Re: Thanks for the reply ilene

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the reply ilene

I have been trying to set boudaries with her but she is so hard to

manage. My uncle, with whom she staying for the weekend, contacted

me today and says that we (meaning him, my stepdad and me/my fiance)

should all contribute towards a monthly amount for her to support her

and so that she can get help. She had managed to get him to do what

she couldn't get me to do this time - ie manage her affairs for her.

I believe that if we do this she will feel that it is some sort of

personal victory for her and she will continue as before. I have not

ruled out doing this because I do think she has never received the

correct diagnosis, and perhaps she should be given one last chance.

When I pointed out my reservations about helping her financially to

my uncle he was very understanding, but said to me that she " can't "

look after herself (which at this point is probably true). I'm

damned if I do and damned if I don't.

[ Stafford] I'm kind of in the same position as you. My nada spent

years telling us kids that when she ran out of money we would have to

support her. She had a trust fund from my grandfather that she went

through. We all told her we couldn't support her. I'm not going to take

away from my kids to give her money to buy junk. Plus she refuses to work

and always has, and it just gets my gall to get up every morning at 5:00am

to go to my job (which I'd love to quit) while she refuses to work. It's

beneath her. I know it sounds cruel and I've dealt with a lot of guilt over

it. But she is surviving on her own. She used to call me 3-5 times a day

and talk for hours. I use my caller ID now to keep that from happening.

Since I have set boundaries she seems to have found ways to cope. And I am

certainly much happier. She has a therapist, who I think is really helping

her. They need a certain type of therapist, who is able to see who they are

and help them without alienating them.

jules

[Guest guest]

My first concern for you is that once you start to help financially you will

never be able to stop...as hard as it may be not to come to her rescue doing

so may only serve to enable further helplessness on her part...you know your

situation better than anyone...are you willing and able to help support your

mom, perhaps for the rest of her life and at what cost to you and your life?

Thanks for the reply ilene

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> I have been trying to set boudaries with her but she is so hard to

> manage. My uncle, with whom she staying for the weekend, contacted

> me today and says that we (meaning him, my stepdad and me/my fiance)

> should all contribute towards a monthly amount for her to support her

> and so that she can get help. She had managed to get him to do what

> she couldn't get me to do this time - ie manage her affairs for her.

> I believe that if we do this she will feel that it is some sort of

> personal victory for her and she will continue as before. I have not

> ruled out doing this because I do think she has never received the

> correct diagnosis, and perhaps she should be given one last chance.

> When I pointed out my reservations about helping her financially to

> my uncle he was very understanding, but said to me that she " can't "

> look after herself (which at this point is probably true). I'm

> damned if I do and damned if I don't.

>

> [ Stafford] I'm kind of in the same position as you. My nada spent

> years telling us kids that when she ran out of money we would have to

> support her. She had a trust fund from my grandfather that she went

> through. We all told her we couldn't support her. I'm not going to take

> away from my kids to give her money to buy junk. Plus she refuses to work

> and always has, and it just gets my gall to get up every morning at 5:00am

> to go to my job (which I'd love to quit) while she refuses to work. It's

> beneath her. I know it sounds cruel and I've dealt with a lot of guilt

over

> it. But she is surviving on her own. She used to call me 3-5 times a day

> and talk for hours. I use my caller ID now to keep that from happening.

> Since I have set boundaries she seems to have found ways to cope. And I

am

> certainly much happier. She has a therapist, who I think is really

helping

> her. They need a certain type of therapist, who is able to see who they

are

> and help them without alienating them.

> jules

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