FYI: Emotional abuse

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" Sticks and Stones " from Dateline on 09/18/2000

Emotional abuse may include any of the following:

name-calling

blaming/shaming unfairly

putting down

ridiculing

insulting

constantly criticizing

screaming

shouting

yelling

raging

throwing things

ignoring

rejection

abandoning

threatening to or hurting people or pets

threatening to, or damaging, property

withholding affection or approval as punishment

repeatedly frightening

repeatedly threatening to leave

manipulating with lies

making you feel guilty

making you feel like you are crazy

telling/treating you like you are worthless

distorting your reality (mind games)

making you fear for your safety or the safety of others

Emotional abuse, the least understood form of domestic violence and

child abuse, is difficult to both define and recognize. When one is from

a dysfunctional family and estranged from the rest of the world, that

person has no basis for comparing what is happening in their world to

what is happening elsewhere.

Police officers, courts, doctors, lawyers and other professionals are

far more likely to respond to a victim who has a black eye, broken bone

or other physical evidence of abuse but the pain of words can not only

hurt, when hurled like sticks and stones, but that pain rarely ends when

the abuse ends. Most victims of emotional abuse internalize the abusive

messages, and continue the emotional abuse in his or her own self-talk.

Emotional abuse victims can become withdrawn, anxious, depressed or even

suicidal. They may experience sleep disorders, compulsions, panic

attacks or engage in self-harm or obsessions, phobias, and risky

behavior.

For child victims, emotional abuse has been known to cause speech

disorders, hysterical outbursts, and delays in physical, mental and/or

emotional development. It can lead to addiction. It can severely impair

the child's ability to truly bond with others. In cases where a

caretaker emotionally abuses a child by withholding love, emotional

abuse can cause a " failure to thrive " . The lives of adults who were

emotionally abused as children are often marked by a deep, pervasive

sadness, a severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly

engage and bond with others. Thus, many emotionally abused children

engage in a lifelong drive for the approval (which they translate as

" love " ) of others. So eager are they for love - and so convinced that

they don't deserve it - that they become prime candidates for abuse in

intimate relationships.

Emotional abuse is often trivialized. Police officers, courts, lawyers,

etc may be unwilling or legally unable to respond to abuse where there

is no actual physical evidence of harm or threat of harm. Victims of

physical abuse need both time and specialized treatment to heal. Friends

and family, however, may fail to see the pain of the survivor of

emotional abuse. And, when emotional abuse occurs in childhood, it is

more likely to be believed that the victims will " just get over it " when

they become adults. But, unfortunately, such victims are not likely to

" just get over it. " Many victims won't even realize that they have been

subjected to emotional abuse - they just " numb out " emotionally.

Abuse is defined in the dictionary as follows: To use wrongly or

improperly; misuse. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use. To

assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile. Obsolete.

To deceive or trick. Using the dictionary definition of abuse, emotional

abuse is " to assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words " or

" to deceive or trick " or to hurt someone emotionally. In that

definition, there is no mention of intent. Emotional abuse, however, can

be intentional such as someone yelling " You're stupid! " or unintentional

as, for example, when parents are involved in a bitter divorce, and

place too much pressure on their children to choose between the parents

or to meet their emotional needs.

According to the National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse,

emotional abuse of a child is a pattern of behavior that attacks a

child's emotional development and sense of self-worth. For children,

emotional abuse by a caretaker may include a failure to provide the

necessary love, support and guidance a child needs to thrive. It can

also include placing excessive or unreasonable demands on the child,

such as a parent who uses their child in the place of a confidante. And,

according to Pamela Brewer in her book Emotional Abuse, emotional abuse

of an adult is the " ongoing emotional environment created by the abuser

for the purposes of control " . For adults, emotional abuse may include

isolating them from friends or family. The abuser may make one's life

miserable whenever they associate with anyone else or they may be rude

to their friends or family. Emotional abuse can also include using money

or children to control another person.

Like guns, knives, fists or feet, words are simply another weapon that

an abuser can use. For the victim, there is little difference in the end

result - pain that can last a lifetime.

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