Guilt

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/27/02 7:06:27 AM Eastern Standard Time,

hnjstaff@... writes:

> She has a room full

> of books that she hasn't read. I'm talking about stacks of books on the

> floor, on the bed, in the bookcase. She always has to buy the newest thing

> that comes out. Yet she always cries poor. Oh and when someone suggests

> she works because of her money problems, she says the only job she can get

> is a minimum wage job and she just can't bear the thought.

This is my mother. Open an e-mail, and boom, there is my mother in text

form.

She buys things she doesn't need, but things that give her some kind of

" status " feeling. For example, she and my step dad bought a camper at this

post camp ground. My step dad passed away 3 years ago. The other day, my

mother informs me that she has just bought a new camper. The one she had was

big enough for 6 people. She is 1 person. But, it's the " appearance " to be

something they are not. You won't like me for my personality, so how about I

wow you with my jazzy new camper? Then, if I should say, it's my daughters

birthday (her only grandchild) she will say " oh, I am on a limited income " .

A card? Could we remember a card? If it's not about her - then it's not

important to her.

You should not, in my opinion, use your money to buy your mother anything

short of a headstone. I'm not trying to sound cold, but that's the only

expense that I would say a child would need to provide for a parent if the

parent was out of money. If you have 2 children, and buy them each an ice

cream, and one eats there's slow, and the other fast, and the one who is done

first, expects the one who has taken their time to hand over their cone. Is

that fair? No. Your money is yours. Hers is hers. If she used her up

already - well then, she was done first.

That's my opinion. Know I can totally relate to what you are going through.

I am an only child so I can't even complain to my siblings about her crying

poverty all the time.

[Guest guest]

Jules, you wouldn't give a child this much money when they acted like this, so

why her?

All of your reasons point to a very selfish and irresponsible person. Besides,

20% isn't really all that much. There are hard choices we all make when we

can't afford something. We do WITHOUT!! She won't die without them. You can't

buy her love by giving her the money. Your own kids need things and will

continue to. You need the money you have for them and for yourself!! Please

don't feel guilty.

Irresponsibility doesn't make them our duty!! We don't expect anyone else to

rescue us if we squander our money.

Ilene

[Guest guest]

I know how you would feel guilty, but don't. I think there would be longer

term guilt/anger for not being able to provide the things for your children.

Let her get going and sell some of the stuff she spent her money on. Although

the lesson would be lost, it is just suffering the consequences of your

actions. I just love the fact that she can't bear the thought of a minimum

wage job, but can bear the thought of taking money away from you and your

children. And did you say that her HUSBAND suggested calling? What is up with

that?

Billie

--- Stafford wrote:

> Hi all. I need some help with some guilt I'm going through. Talked to my

> nada last night. She was crying on the phone. She went to the ENT

> yesterday. The ENT said she could get some new hearing aids that would help

> her hear 20% better for 5,000.00. She was so upset because she doesn't have

> 5,000.00 and she didn't know who to ask for help. Her husband suggested she

> ask her family mainly her brother. Let's talk about taking responsibility.

> Now this is the woman who told me at a very young age that I needed to learn

> to take care of myself as there was no one who could take care of me like

> she was taken care of (her dad left her a trust fund). She has gone through

> all her money and claimed bankruptcy. After she claimed bankruptcy she

> still had some credit cards so they maxed them out too. She has a room full

> of books that she hasn't read. I'm talking about stacks of books on the

> floor, on the bed, in the bookcase. She always has to buy the newest thing

> that comes out. Yet she always cries poor. Oh and when someone suggests

> she works because of her money problems, she says the only job she can get

> is a minimum wage job and she just can't bear the thought.

>

> Of course me in my KO mode feels I need to buy her the hearing aids out of

> my trust fund (probably only 15,000.00 left after stock market this past

> year). You know I have kept my trust fund. I want to continue to keep it

> to send my kids to camp, school trips, etc. I don't want her to squander

> mine like she did hers. But yet I know she expects me to supply her with

> this money. And she is sure she deserves it.

>

> When I was 17 she took me and left my dad and moved into a house. She then

> proceeded to move out of the house and move in with some guy. One day I

> called her and she told me I wasn't allowed to call into this guys house

> because it bothered him. But yet now, I'm supposed to give up for her.

> It makes me so mad.

> jules

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi Jules

It's not your responsibility to buy her anything that costs

that much money.

How about not letting her have a clue as to how much money

you have? " Sorry, Nada, I'm not able to give you the

money. "

Being a Nada, I doubt it would help to suggest other ways

she could get the aids, like a bank loan, or a volunteer

organization that recycles medical aids, a religious

organization that helps people get them as part of charity,

etc, etc, etc.

I've had my Nada ask me for things I've refused, when I

suggested other options to her she raged... to me that

means she didn't really want X, Y, or Z, she just wanted to

exercise her power over me.

Stick to your guns, that money is not extra stuff you don't

have use for.

Let us know how it works out

Thinking of you

Hope

--- Stafford wrote:

> Hi all. I need some help with some guilt I'm going

> through. Talked to my

> nada last night. She was crying on the phone. She went

> to the ENT

> yesterday. The ENT said she could get some new hearing

> aids that would help

> her hear 20% better for 5,000.00. She was so upset

> because she doesn't have

> 5,000.00 and she didn't know who to ask for help. Her

> husband suggested she

> ask her family mainly her brother. Let's talk about

> taking responsibility.

> Now this is the woman who told me at a very young age

> that I needed to learn

> to take care of myself as there was no one who could take

> care of me like

> she was taken care of (her dad left her a trust fund).

> She has gone through

> all her money and claimed bankruptcy. After she claimed

> bankruptcy she

> still had some credit cards so they maxed them out too.

> She has a room full

> of books that she hasn't read. I'm talking about stacks

> of books on the

> floor, on the bed, in the bookcase. She always has to

> buy the newest thing

> that comes out. Yet she always cries poor. Oh and when

> someone suggests

> she works because of her money problems, she says the

> only job she can get

> is a minimum wage job and she just can't bear the

> thought.

>

> Of course me in my KO mode feels I need to buy her the

> hearing aids out of

> my trust fund (probably only 15,000.00 left after stock

> market this past

> year). You know I have kept my trust fund. I want to

> continue to keep it

> to send my kids to camp, school trips, etc. I don't want

> her to squander

> mine like she did hers. But yet I know she expects me to

> supply her with

> this money. And she is sure she deserves it.

>

> When I was 17 she took me and left my dad and moved into

> a house. She then

> proceeded to move out of the house and move in with some

> guy. One day I

> called her and she told me I wasn't allowed to call into

> this guys house

> because it bothered him. But yet now, I'm supposed to

> give up for her.

> It makes me so mad.

> jules

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure my nada ever really felt guilty over anything...she'd make excuses

like " I didn't mean it that way " or " you took it wrong " etc. Then when she

finally wrote her apology for disowning me, she still manged to say forgive

me...but it was your fault, because you made me so mad. No wonder I always

doubted what I was thinking or feeling! Not any more!!!!!!!! These days I may

doubt whether or not I'm right , but not about how I feel - I've even learned

the difference! lol

Ilene

[Guest guest]

Aimee Chappelear <achappelear@y...> wrote:

>

> I never saw that my mother was ever guilty about anything she said

or did. She could look you in the eye and lie and look me in the

eye and abuse me. I do not think she ever felt guilty.

>

> This is confusing, she did some extremely horrible things to me and

never even once looked like she cared all I got was her telling me

she wished I would die.

>

> Aimee

>

Yeah, Aimee, and I bet when you weren't " over it " the next day, it

was because you were " bitter and resentful " , huh? Oh, no, that was

ME. Sorry, I got confused b/c it sounded so much like my life. You

ever hear someone say they wished they could be a kid again? You

won't find them on this list, that's for sure. Must be time for me

to go to bed (lol).

Joy

[Guest guest]

My mom has two modes, one in which she is a saint, and

the other in which she blames herself for everything -- of

course it's just a dramaqueenscene to get us to tell her that

she's a good person and to turn the situation back to focus

on HER.

Case in point. The day I told my mother I was molested

by a neighbor as a child. I spent an hour telling her it wasn't

her fault! Of course it was her fault, she didn't see the signs

or stop me from going over to their house, in fact, she

arranged the " play dates " over there!

Well, don't get me started!

--Maxx.

Re: guilt

I'm not sure my nada ever really felt guilty over anything...she'd make

excuses

like " I didn't mean it that way " or " you took it wrong " etc. Then when she

finally wrote her apology for disowning me, she still manged to say forgive

me...but it was your fault, because you made me so mad. No wonder I always

doubted what I was thinking or feeling! Not any more!!!!!!!! These days I

may

doubt whether or not I'm right , but not about how I feel - I've even learned

the difference! lol

Ilene

[Guest guest]

The day I told my mother I was molested

> by a neighbor as a child. I spent an hour telling her it wasn't

> her fault! Of course it was her fault, she didn't see the signs

> or stop me from going over to their house, in fact, she

> arranged the " play dates " over there!

When I told nada that her brothers were molestors she said, " I

am not responsible for the sins of my brothers " then she got that

look like she wanted to flee and then told me " what kind of

person would raise her voice at her mother? "

That made me really want to slap her face and kick her out the

door. We were raised with extended family deities where the

uncles and aunts had full rights over us. And they certainly took

advantage of it!

That particular uncle was my favorite and when my father went

nuts, I transferred my affection to him as a savior of sorts. I was

about 11 at the time of the big meltdown. Uncle S. was the

original Mister Nice kind of uncle. I heard when I was 14 that he

fondled my cousin and that news was very traumatic to me, until

it started happening to me at 17! I was working for him- that

bastard- I worked for him every afternoon, going to college in the

AM....

finally I got myself fired...

how could I tell nada that her brother was a molestor? Then her

Jabba the Hut deity brother turned out to be a full rapist.

Did it turn my stomach to see nada so thrilled to go to the

Philippines to stand at the wedding of one of the cousins? Nada

was so thrilled.

then the FOO gets mad at me for having a problem with the

molestors coming to bury my father.

that part of the nada tale, the betrayal by HER FOO was a really

nasty turn of reality. I am happy to be very very very far away from

them all.

kathleen

[Guest guest]

GUILT

" When guilt rears its ugly head confront it, discuss it and let

it go. The past is over. It is time to ask what can we do right,

not what did we do wrong. Forgive yourself and move on. "

                                              --Bernie S.

Siegel

" I have made it a rule of my life never to regret and never to

look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy . . . you can’t

build on it; it’s only good for wallowing in. "

                                          --

Mansfield

" If we don't forgive ourselves for our mistakes, and others for

the wounds they have inflicted upon us, we end up crippled with

guilt. And the soul cannot grow under a blanket of guilt, because

guilt is isolating, while growth is a gradual process of

reconnection to ourselves, to other people, and to a larger

whole. "

                                               -- Joan

Borysenko

" Light burdens borne far become heavy. "

                                   -- French proverb

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[Guest guest]

Excellent article..Thanks so much for posting it.

Hugs

Live Long....Laugh Hard....Email Often

" I Forgive Myself For Any Wrong Doing " Written by Louise

L. Hay

" So many of you live under a heavy cloud of guilt. You always

feel wrong. You are not doing it right. You are apologizing all

the time. You will not forgive yourself for something you did in

the past. You manipulate others, as you once were

manipulated. Guilt does not solve anything. If you really did

something in the past that you are sorry about, stop doing it!

If you can make amends to the other party, do it. If not, then

don't do it again. Guilt looks for punishment and punishment

creates pain. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Step out of

your self-imposed prisons. "

Meditation: " Guilt never makes anyone feel better, nor does it

change a situation. Stop feeling guilty. Let yourself out of

prison. "

Copyright 1990. " Heart Thoughts " (book) Written by Louise L.

Hay. Published by Hay House Inc.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AffirmationstoDe-Stres

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