Guest guest Posted March 22, 2002 Report Share Posted March 22, 2002 wrote: << Then, later, just by accident I had a look at a larger list of " lies " I tell myself. Things like: I am worth less than everyone else, I am only valuable for the things I do, I am flawed and twisted in my core self, I am nothing unless someone else thinks I'm okay, if anything goes wrong, then it must be my fault, everyone I care about will eventually reject me... you all know the drill. >> Yup, I battle these lies, too. They're not as present as they used to be, but sometimes I think I've just driven them underground. They're still a part of me, but they're hiding because they know I'll drag them out and shoo them away. In a way, that almost makes it harder to deal with. I know they're still there in some form or another, because I still catch them from time to time. << Well, I think my nada, being a nada and having no healthy boundaries and a significantly flawed core, mirrored not ME, but instead projected HERSELF back to me as I was growing up, so now I have HER image imprinted in my psyche as my own, not MINE! >> , I think you've hit the nail on the head ... you've summed it up perfectly ... it makes so much sense. << Okay, so maybe this is a bit obvious, but this is the first time I've actually put it all together like this, and it really is helping me to see clearer on these things. >> I don't think it's that obvious -- I had never thought of it that way, and I don't recall reading anything along those lines either. Although I certainly don't remember everything I've read! Also, I sometimes come across a concept I've already read or thought about, but it has new meaning for me because I'm in a new place. I often find myself revisiting things I had talked about before, but the second (or third, or fourth) time around, more pieces of the puzzle fall into place. It sounds like you're having that kind of moment. << I would really welcome any feedback you folks might care to give me on it. >> I think it's a brilliant observation. Thank you for sharing it. Hugs, Anon > Ok, this is still a bit new, I just realized it this afternoon so > bear with me... > > Earlier today I was thinking about how I grew up being told that I am > disorganized and lack self-discipline, when the truth is that when I > am not fighting off emotional attacks from mentally ill individuals, > I am pretty organized and fairly well disciplined. So I started > trying to think about why I might have absorbed that impression of > myself, and then after thinking about it I realized that this > description fits my nada to a " T. " She projected it on me, and I > believed it. Bingo! > > Then, later, just by accident I had a look at a larger list of " lies " > I tell myself. Things like: I am worth less than everyone else, I > am only valuable for the things I do, I am flawed and twisted in my > core self, I am nothing unless someone else thinks I'm okay, if > anything goes wrong, then it must be my fault, everyone I care about > will eventually reject me... you all know the drill. > > Anyway, while looking at it I realized how much like a " borderline " > it all sounded, and then it HIT ME.... > > When a little kid is developing, it gets a large part of its self > image from its parents, who are *supposed* to " mirror " back to the > child a more or less healthy and positive version of who they (the > child) are. Well, I think my nada, being a nada and having no > healthy boundaries and a significantly flawed core, mirrored not ME, > but instead projected HERSELF back to me as I was growing up, so now > I have HER image imprinted in my psyche as my own, not MINE! > > Okay, so maybe this is a bit obvious, but this is the first time I've > actually put it all together like this, and it really is helping me > to see clearer on these things. I would really welcome any feedback > you folks might care to give me on it. > > thanks, > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2002 Report Share Posted March 22, 2002 Hi, , Thanks for sharing your " epiphany. " It made me think about all the things my nada drilled into my head as a kid, and I just about wore myself out trying to prove her wrong...like I was lazy, thoughtless, ungrateful...and the list goes on & on & on. Now I see that she is all of those things. I'm still amazed and genuinely touched when someone likes me, and aside from my dh, dd & 2 ds's, I have no close relationships and never did. I'm much better than I once was, though. Everyday I read these messages, I understand myself a little better. Thanks again, Joy > Ok, this is still a bit new, I just realized it this afternoon so > bear with me... > > Earlier today I was thinking about how I grew up being told that I am > disorganized and lack self-discipline, when the truth is that when I > am not fighting off emotional attacks from mentally ill individuals, > I am pretty organized and fairly well disciplined. So I started > trying to think about why I might have absorbed that impression of > myself, and then after thinking about it I realized that this > description fits my nada to a " T. " She projected it on me, and I > believed it. Bingo! > > Then, later, just by accident I had a look at a larger list of " lies " > I tell myself. Things like: I am worth less than everyone else, I > am only valuable for the things I do, I am flawed and twisted in my > core self, I am nothing unless someone else thinks I'm okay, if > anything goes wrong, then it must be my fault, everyone I care about > will eventually reject me... you all know the drill. > > Anyway, while looking at it I realized how much like a " borderline " > it all sounded, and then it HIT ME.... > > When a little kid is developing, it gets a large part of its self > image from its parents, who are *supposed* to " mirror " back to the > child a more or less healthy and positive version of who they (the > child) are. Well, I think my nada, being a nada and having no > healthy boundaries and a significantly flawed core, mirrored not ME, > but instead projected HERSELF back to me as I was growing up, so now > I have HER image imprinted in my psyche as my own, not MINE! > > Okay, so maybe this is a bit obvious, but this is the first time I've > actually put it all together like this, and it really is helping me > to see clearer on these things. I would really welcome any feedback > you folks might care to give me on it. > > thanks, > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2002 Report Share Posted March 22, 2002 <<Well, I think my nada, being a nada and having no healthy boundaries and a significantly flawed core, mirrored not ME, but instead projected HERSELF back to me as I was growing up, so now I have HER image imprinted in my psyche as my own, not MINE! >>>> I absolutely hate it when I do or say something that sounds like nada - even when it's an okay thing! that old joke about sounding just like your mother takes on new meaning for us KOs. Ilene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2002 Report Share Posted March 22, 2002 I would call it projective identification... Although your epiphany sounds like a very important component to it. When I was posting on the VA board and learning all I could about VA I was told that a good VA'er will take your best quality and tell you there is something inherently wrong with it. Another words, your quality is a flaw or worthless. You may be a brilliant artist and be told your art is chicken scratch. You may be a brilliant mathmetician and be told you can't add two plus two. You begin to doubt your abilities and your gifts and what are you left with? Nothing to believe in about yourself. I have good common sense - however, this attribute was discounted and countered by both nada and my ex. In fact I was ruthlessly punished by nada for my common sense. My ex was threatened by it and compounded nada's effect. I was left to feel stupid. My sensical opinions meant nothing to them. I in turn, began to believe this. People who know me today see me as the complete opposite of who I was back then. I'm still trying to come to terms with believing it for myself. Here's an exercise for you - Think of three good qualities about yourself... If you're like me, you'll sit there and say - what?! Cyndie __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2002 Report Share Posted March 23, 2002 > but it has new meaning for me because I'm in a new place. I often > find myself revisiting things I had talked about before, but the > second (or third, or fourth) time around, more pieces of the puzzle > fall into place. It sounds like you're having that kind of moment. Yes, I think so. It's funny - it's almost comforting to know that I'm a 'normal' person who just happens to have a borrowed 'borderline's self image' - weird as that may seem, lol. > I think it's a brilliant observation. Thank you for sharing it. > > Hugs, > Anon Thanks for the feedback, and the hugs! hugs back, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2002 Report Share Posted March 23, 2002 > Hi, , > Thanks for sharing your " epiphany. " It made me think about all the > things my nada drilled into my head as a kid, and I just about wore > myself out trying to prove her wrong...like I was lazy, thoughtless, > ungrateful...and the list goes on & on & on. Now I see that she is > all of those things. I'm still amazed and genuinely touched when > someone likes me, and aside from my dh, dd & 2 ds's, I have no close > relationships and never did. I'm much better than I once was, > though. Everyday I read these messages, I understand myself a little > better. Yes, I'm dealing with this, too. I was just talking to a friend about it here this morning - how I hesitate to change my self image because part of me still has a hard time believing I'm worth the effort, and how that attitude of not being worthy is reflected in my surprise when someone else thinks I'm actually worth getting to know! thanks, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2002 Report Share Posted March 23, 2002 > I absolutely hate it when I do or say something that sounds like nada - even > when it's an okay thing! > that old joke about sounding just like your mother takes on new meaning for us > KOs. Oh, yeah, that's not a joke for us. It's deadly serious. Most of us are still fighting for our lives, our SELVES, even after all these years. I hate it when I do or feel or sound like or look like or say something that sounds like my nada, too. All of my life I've worked hard to not be like her, it's been a driving force in my development as a person. Not good, really, because it keeps me locked in orbit with her, our positive and negative images doing the same old dance, but I'm never really free to be me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2002 Report Share Posted March 23, 2002 > I would call it projective identification... Although > your epiphany sounds like a very important component > to it. Yes, I've been doing some reading on that today, thanks! > Here's an exercise for you - Think of three good > qualities about yourself... If you're like me, you'll > sit there and say - what?! Yes, I know that feeling. It's like I think there is something I *should* or *could* say, but because I don't really believe it myself, I *can't* say it. I feel like if I did, I'd be a fraud, because according to my self image, those things aren't *really* me... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2002 Report Share Posted March 23, 2002 , I can really identify with this because every time I look in the mirror I see my nada's face. I still believe that my dad couldn't love me as I got older because I looked so much like her. Reading the posts, some things hit me like a ton of bricks. I realize I've been doing that projective identification thing for a long time, to my husband, my son. It's a way of coping I picked up from nada and one I'm not particularly proud of. I made a vow to myself to allow my husband and my son to have their own thoughts and feelings without any interference from me! Peace Anni > > I absolutely hate it when I do or say something that sounds like > nada - even > > when it's an okay thing! > > that old joke about sounding just like your mother takes on new > meaning for us > > KOs. > > Oh, yeah, that's not a joke for us. It's deadly serious. Most of us > are still fighting for our lives, our SELVES, even after all these > years. > > I hate it when I do or feel or sound like or look like or say > something that sounds like my nada, too. All of my life I've worked > hard to not be like her, it's been a driving force in my development > as a person. Not good, really, because it keeps me locked in orbit > with her, our positive and negative images doing the same old dance, > but I'm never really free to be me. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2002 Report Share Posted March 23, 2002 The summer of 2000 I visited my very spry 86 year old dad whom I hadn't seen in 13 years. One day while sitting on the front steps watching him tinker with his tractor lawn mower, he looked over at me, pondered for a moment, then lovingly said, " You remind me of your mother, sitting there like that. " Although he didn't mean any harm, his comment hurt very deeply, and it was all I could do to hold back the tears. He was very sensitive to my reaction and immediately said he was sorry for saying the wrong thing. I felt bad that he felt bad. At that point in my life, I was in the depths of despair. I was so full of anger, bitterness, hatred, and resentment. I was at the end of my rope, but no one understood, not even dad. The last person in the whole world I wanted to look like, or be like, was mother. The truth of the matter is, I do look like her, and the resemblance grows the older I get. And it's really bad when I can look in the mirror and see her in my own face. That was then. It doesn't bother me too much now. In fact, I haven't even noticed it much anymore. I've come a long way since my dad's comment. I feel so sorry for her. I love her very much, and always will. It's such a shame her sense of reality denies the love that's hers. I can't change her, and I accept it. I have some wonderful memories that I will cherish forever. I am so grateful things weren't tons worse. Smiles! Carol Anni wrote: > > , I can really identify with this because every > time I look in the mirror I see my nada's face. > Peace wrote: > > I absolutely hate it when I do or say something that > > sounds like nada - even when it's an okay thing! > > that old joke about sounding just like your mother > > takes on new meaning for us KOs. > > > > I hate it when I do or feel or sound like or look like > > or say something that sounds like my nada, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2002 Report Share Posted March 24, 2002 I am but a poorly reflected image of my mom's projected fears. Cyndy --- bpdsurvivor wrote: > wrote: > > << > Then, later, just by accident I had a look at a larger list of > " lies " > I tell myself. Things like: I am worth less than everyone > else, I > am only valuable for the things I do, I am flawed and twisted > in my > core self, I am nothing unless someone else thinks I'm okay, > if > anything goes wrong, then it must be my fault, everyone I care > about > will eventually reject me... you all know the drill. > >> > > Yup, I battle these lies, too. They're not as present as they > used > to be, but sometimes I think I've just driven them > underground. > They're still a part of me, but they're hiding because they > know I'll > drag them out and shoo them away. In a way, that almost makes > it > harder to deal with. I know they're still there in some form > or > another, because I still catch them from time to time. > > << > Well, I think my nada, being a nada and having no healthy > boundaries > and a significantly flawed core, mirrored not ME, but instead > projected HERSELF back to me as I was growing up, so now I > have HER > image imprinted in my psyche as my own, not MINE! > >> > > , I think you've hit the nail on the head ... you've > summed it > up perfectly ... it makes so much sense. > > << > Okay, so maybe this is a bit obvious, but this is the first > time I've > actually put it all together like this, and it really is > helping me > to see clearer on these things. > >> > > I don't think it's that obvious -- I had never thought of it > that > way, and I don't recall reading anything along those lines > either. > Although I certainly don't remember everything I've read! > Also, I > sometimes come across a concept I've already read or thought > about, > but it has new meaning for me because I'm in a new place. I > often > find myself revisiting things I had talked about before, but > the > second (or third, or fourth) time around, more pieces of the > puzzle > fall into place. It sounds like you're having that kind of > moment. > > << > I would really welcome any feedback you folks might care to > give me > on it. > >> > > I think it's a brilliant observation. Thank you for sharing > it. > > Hugs, > Anon > > > > Ok, this is still a bit new, I just realized it this > afternoon so > > bear with me... > > > > Earlier today I was thinking about how I grew up being told > that I > am > > disorganized and lack self-discipline, when the truth is > that when > I > > am not fighting off emotional attacks from mentally ill > individuals, > > I am pretty organized and fairly well disciplined. So I > started > > trying to think about why I might have absorbed that > impression of > > myself, and then after thinking about it I realized that > this > > description fits my nada to a " T. " She projected it on me, > and I > > believed it. Bingo! > > > > Then, later, just by accident I had a look at a larger list > of " lies " > > I tell myself. Things like: I am worth less than everyone > else, I > > am only valuable for the things I do, I am flawed and > twisted in my > > core self, I am nothing unless someone else thinks I'm okay, > if > > anything goes wrong, then it must be my fault, everyone I > care > about > > will eventually reject me... you all know the drill. > > > > Anyway, while looking at it I realized how much like a > " borderline " > > it all sounded, and then it HIT ME.... > > > > When a little kid is developing, it gets a large part of its > self > > image from its parents, who are *supposed* to " mirror " back > to the > > child a more or less healthy and positive version of who > they (the > > child) are. Well, I think my nada, being a nada and having > no > > healthy boundaries and a significantly flawed core, mirrored > not > ME, > > but instead projected HERSELF back to me as I was growing > up, so > now > > I have HER image imprinted in my psyche as my own, not MINE! > > > > > Okay, so maybe this is a bit obvious, but this is the first > time > I've > > actually put it all together like this, and it really is > helping me > > to see clearer on these things. I would really welcome any > feedback > > you folks might care to give me on it. > > > > thanks, > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2002 Report Share Posted March 24, 2002 I dodn't remember the specifics on your father. I wonder if your father could love you because you do look like your mother. The person he fell in love with with out the BPD. In my case, I look like my mother also. To the point that her sister and brother would stop like they had seen a ghost (my mother died when I was 10). I'm sure that was the reason at age 10 my Grand-nada had want me put in an orphange (I was supposedly so bad), I reminded her of the person her son abandoned her for. Billie --- anni2911 wrote: > , I can really identify with this because every time I look > in the mirror I see my nada's face. I still believe that my dad > couldn't love me as I got older because I looked so much like her. > Reading the posts, some things hit me like a ton of bricks. I > realize I've been doing that projective identification thing for a > long time, to my husband, my son. It's a way of coping I picked up > from nada and one I'm not particularly proud of. I made a vow to > myself to allow my husband and my son to have their own thoughts > and feelings without any interference from me! > > Peace > Anni > > > > > I absolutely hate it when I do or say something that sounds like > > nada - even > > > when it's an okay thing! > > > that old joke about sounding just like your mother takes on new > > meaning for us > > > KOs. > > > > Oh, yeah, that's not a joke for us. It's deadly serious. Most of > us > > are still fighting for our lives, our SELVES, even after all these > > years. > > > > I hate it when I do or feel or sound like or look like or say > > something that sounds like my nada, too. All of my life I've worked > > hard to not be like her, it's been a driving force in my development > > as a person. Not good, really, because it keeps me locked in orbit > > with her, our positive and negative images doing the same old dance, > > but I'm never really free to be me. > > > > > > > > To get off the list, send a blank message to > ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to > ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for > non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of > contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2002 Report Share Posted March 24, 2002 --- Cyndy wrote: > I am but a poorly reflected image of my mom's > projected fears. > Cyndy Look on the bright side - you're not a good reflected image of nada's projected fears. I have to tell you that the hugest fear of my life was ending up like my nada. A single mother, alone and on welfare. I took the step, separated from my abusive exh and faced that HUGE FEAR!!! But it took months. During those months I was mortally frightened. And I do mean MORTALLY!!! That was the time she went psycho and did the phone stalking. She would call me and tell me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Tell me what an awful b!tch I was, how it was all MY fault! This is NOT what I needed to hear. She projected her ugly, pathetic, waif/hermit/witch/queen life onto me. And I bought it! I thought I was going to come unglued. I changed my phone number and found some instant relief. It took another a few weeks after that for me to realize I needed to get out of my reclusive hole and reach out for help. I was SO incredibly hard on myself. I was scared to death. Paralyzed with fear... and utterly ALONE - just like nada. I WAS her!!! In my mind... I phoned area churches in search of divorce support groups. By the grace of God, who has ALWAYS been there for me, the church which I had briefly attended a few years prior (a church I loved but felt was too good for me at the time,) was just, that very year, that very month, kicking off thier first ever divorce support group. It started a week after my phone call. Now if that isn't the grace of God, I don't know what is. I remember going to church that sunday, for the first time in a few years and the theme was, The Potter and the Clay. We were all handed a piece of the clay that the potter was to shape... I sat there among total strangers and could not hold back my tears. I prayed for God to lift me and change me - mold me, shape me... I felt my soul lift up... and I found hope. I'm not shaped and molded to where I want to be. But I will never forget that day and I still hold that piece of clay in my heart and in my possesion. I will never let it go... The divorce group was basing their healing on the book by Bruce B Fishcer, Rebuilding when your Relationship Ends. There is a chapter in there on fear. An exercise was to list your fears. My fears were HUGE! I wrote them down and I again, cried like a baby. It was then and there that something within me changed and I said, " NO MORE!!! I am NOT my mother. I will not fall apart and become her. " I got angry and I found some resolve. I sat there every month and paid my bills. Don't know how I always managed to pay them all. Didn't always pay them on time - and bounced a few checks in between (and still do on occasion.) But it's OK. I work two jobs now. I help facilitate the Divorce Group at my church. My kids are fed - clothed and loved. I manage to get out, and on occasion have some fun. I'm not perfect - but I am OK. I CAN take care of me and the kids - just fine. I am NOT my mother and I never will be. I take responsibilty for my life. I own what's mine. I will NOT take responsiblity for her shxt or my exh's shxt. EVER AGAIN!!! I may not have the life I want - but it's MY LIFE!!! It takes time - lots of time and hard work. It is very hard work to have to be the sole person who keeps lifting you up. We have to learn to look for the positives. Go ahead and list three positive things about yourself. If your brain hurts because you have to keep re-telling yourSelf that you believe them - that means it's working... But yeah, it does hurt and it IS hard work - exhausting. Go ahead and write down your deepest, darkest fears. When you get them down on paper you will clearly see who they belong to. You can give them, you can get angry, you can tell them to eat shxt becasue you are NOT those fears. You can grieve them, cry them out, claim them and then LET THEM GO. Hugs to all us OK's today... It's spring, time to plant some new seeds... Cyndie __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2002 Report Share Posted March 24, 2002 Thanks, Cyndie McCoy! What a wonderful testament you wrote to the strength we all have, way down deep inside, when we dare to face our demons with faith, patience, resolve, and determination. We can do it! We will do it! Smiles! Carol Cyndy wrote: > > I am but a poorly reflected image of my mom's > > projected fears. Cyndie McCoy wrote: > Look on the bright side - you're not a good reflected > image of nada's projected fears. > > I have to tell you that the hugest fear of my life was > ending up like my nada. A single mother, alone and on > welfare. I took the step, separated from my abusive > exh and faced that HUGE FEAR!!! But it took months. > During those months I was mortally frightened. And I > do mean MORTALLY!!! That was the time she went psycho > and did the phone stalking. She would call me and tell > me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Tell > me what an awful b!tch I was, how it was all MY fault! > This is NOT what I needed to hear. She projected her > ugly, pathetic, waif/hermit/witch/queen life onto me. > And I bought it! I thought I was going to come > unglued. I changed my phone number and found some > instant relief. It took another a few weeks after that > for me to realize I needed to get out of my reclusive > hole and reach out for help. I was SO incredibly hard > on myself. I was scared to death. Paralyzed with > fear... and utterly ALONE - just like nada. I WAS > her!!! In my mind... > > I phoned area churches in search of divorce support > groups. By the grace of God, who has ALWAYS been there > for me, the church which I had briefly attended a few > years prior (a church I loved but felt was too good > for me at the time,) was just, that very year, that > very month, kicking off thier first ever divorce > support group. It started a week after my phone call. > Now if that isn't the grace of God, I don't know what > is. > > I remember going to church that sunday, for the first > time in a few years and the theme was, The Potter and > the Clay. We were all handed a piece of the clay that > the potter was to shape... I sat there among total > strangers and could not hold back my tears. I prayed > for God to lift me and change me - mold me, shape > me... I felt my soul lift up... and I found hope. > > I'm not shaped and molded to where I want to be. But I > will never forget that day and I still hold that piece > of clay in my heart and in my possesion. I will never > let it go... > > The divorce group was basing their healing on the book > by Bruce B Fishcer, Rebuilding when your Relationship > Ends. There is a chapter in there on fear. An exercise > was to list your fears. > > My fears were HUGE! I wrote them down and I again, > cried like a baby. It was then and there that > something within me changed and I said, " NO MORE!!! I > am NOT my mother. I will not fall apart and become > her. " I got angry and I found some resolve. > > I sat there every month and paid my bills. Don't know > how I always managed to pay them all. Didn't always > pay them on time - and bounced a few checks in between > (and still do on occasion.) But it's OK. I work two > jobs now. I help facilitate the Divorce Group at my > church. My kids are fed - clothed and loved. I manage > to get out, and on occasion have some fun. I'm not > perfect - but I am OK. > > I CAN take care of me and the kids - just fine. > > I am NOT my mother and I never will be. I take > responsibilty for my life. I own what's mine. I will > NOT take responsiblity for her shxt or my exh's shxt. > EVER AGAIN!!! > > I may not have the life I want - but it's MY LIFE!!! > It takes time - lots of time and hard work. It is very > hard work to have to be the sole person who keeps > lifting you up. We have to learn to look for the > positives. > > Go ahead and list three positive things about > yourself. If your brain hurts because you have to keep > re-telling yourSelf that you believe them - that means > it's working... But yeah, it does hurt and it IS hard > work - exhausting. > > Go ahead and write down your deepest, darkest fears. > When you get them down on paper you will clearly see > who they belong to. You can give them, you can get > angry, you can tell them to eat shxt becasue you are > NOT those fears. You can grieve them, cry them out, > claim them and then LET THEM GO. > > Hugs to all us OK's today... > > It's spring, time to plant some new seeds... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2002 Report Share Posted March 24, 2002 --- Carol M wrote: > Thanks, Cyndie McCoy! > > What a wonderful testament you wrote to the strength > we all have, way > down deep inside, when we dare to face our demons > with faith, patience, > resolve, and determination. > You are welcome Carol McKay! I really do believe that we ALL do have it within us to beat these demons. Many times when I become complacent is when those demons resurface. And it appears I have been so in recent months. I'm facing a personal challenge right now, and I have been forced to draw upon those strengths once again. I will do this. > We can do it! We will do it! Yes, we will. Cyndie __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2002 Report Share Posted March 25, 2002 Wow, Cyndie, I don't remember the last time I read anything so uplifting and encouraging. Hats off to you! You are a hero, to your children and to us. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I hope to see a little more of it soon, too. My husband has told me for years to do what I'm now doing, setting boundaries, but without SWOE and UTBM, I was clueless. If I had faced life alone, as you have, I don't think I would have had your courage. You are truly OK, KO. Joy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2002 Report Share Posted March 26, 2002 > > Yes, I'm dealing with this, too. I was just talking to a friend > about it here this morning - how I hesitate to change my self image > because part of me still has a hard time believing I'm worth the > effort, and how that attitude of not being worthy is reflected in my > surprise when someone else thinks I'm actually worth getting to know! ******************************************************** This was a remark that I can relate to - I found that even though I truly believed I wasn't worth anything there was still a part of me buried deep that knew differently or, at least, hoped this was wrong -challenging that self image took a big risk - maybe I'd discover that I truly was worthless...but eventually the pain of feeling worthless got too great - there were a couple of ah ha's that helped me...the first was having a cognitive therapist ask me how do I challenge the mental distortions I had of myself...challenge them?...that hadn't even occurred to me ....then he asked how do they start, are there any triggers I can identify so I can challenge the beatings ....that's when I noticed that anyting that even remotely reminded me of my dad could start the negative self-talk (I'm no good, worthless etc)...yes, I'd had therapy...years of therapy...no success there...then he said that he thought this sounded that it was a " philosophy " I had of life...I got that !...being worthless was my philosophy...carved in stone and completely irrefutable even without evidence...that's just how it was... once I got that I could then related having a philosophy to the time when everyone believed the earth was flat... that was the same kind of irrefutable truth...but they were wrong so maybe, just maybe, if this is a philosophy I could be wrong...that was the first wedge I was able to use to start to challenge my own rigidly ingrained belief system carved into my psyche by years of emotional abuse and degredation...fathers can't be wrong....that's like trying to think that god was wrong (or a close equivalent)...I could go on at length on this topic...another thing that helped was figuring out that how I saw myself had also gotten to be a habit...yes, and an addiction of sorts...there is a chemical reaction our bodies have to our thoughts...feeling worthless and all the chemical stress type reactions it creates in our bodies becomes what feels normal and that was a part of this that had to be dealt with...challenging the habit of how I thought of myself and then dealing with withdrawal symptoms when my body was feeling like it just needed a good self beating session...that was interesting...consciously trying to wean myself off victim spree's and martyrdom...two comfie places to go...I hope some of what has helped me will help you...hugs, (Yes, I am still reading the posts with a ridiculous busy life right now so I don't often get time to write)... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 27, 2002 Report Share Posted March 27, 2002 --- wrote: then he > said that he thought this sounded that it was a > " philosophy " I had of > life...I got that !...being worthless was my > philosophy... Wow! That really sums it up for me! I hope some of what has helped me > will help you...hugs, It did, thanks... Cyndie __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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