Re: splitting

[Guest guest]

I'm an only child. Now that I think about it, I think, that sometimes my cousin

was the good one (she never said anything to hurt her mother, even though she

was mentally ill.....) and I was the bad one. my nada also split my two male

cousins - one good and one bad. Her brother and sister were wonderful to her

and me btw.

Ilene

[Guest guest]

--- nevele wrote:

> she would ALWAYS pick apart anything about me that reminded her of my

> dad...and i look JUST LIKE him, so that didn't help. she was

> constantly snide remarking about the way my eyes flickered when i

> turned my head a certain way...or the way my mouth moved when i

> spoke... " JUST LIKE YOUR DADDY " she would say in that disgusted

> voice. i remember one time, she flew into a RAGE because i wore a

> white belt...that reminded her of when my dad wore a white belt.

> unforgivable. what was i thinking?! when i took the white belt

> off...she started crying and literally begging and pleading with me

> to put it back on. (the brief moment of clarity when she saw how she

> was treating " her angel " )

>

****************************************

We moved in with Grand-nada when my mother died. I was 10 and from the

momement we moved in I was always " No good, like your mother " . My sister (3

years younger) and brother (6 years younger) were always good. I went to

college at 17 and never really did more than visit after that. My sister was

good till she was dating her husband then she was split bad. My brother was

always good. I had come to some sort of peace (for lack of a better term)my

childhood. I had assumed that it had a lot to do with me looking like my

mother. I alway did have a nagging question as to what I could have done by

the age of 10 that was so bad. It was especially confusing since my

Grand-nada's sister was alway said how much she liked my mother, and what a

great person she was, and how many friends she had. After being here the

nagging question has an answer.

Billie

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[Guest guest]

--- nevele wrote:

> someone asked about gender splitting...and i noticed- just from

> reading these posts that it seems more common for the male siblings

> to be split all bad- (yet, i know that isn't the case for the person

> questioning!) i also noticed that the suicides that are written about

> seem to be the male sibling as well.

>

After living with Grand-nada, my father married Step-nada. My sister and I

were always split bad with Step-nada, although it seemed that us kids in

general were a problem with her (she had no children). They moved from

Wisconsin to Florida and although the went to the Galopogus Islands, the

Amazon, walked on glasiers, the Holy lands, they never in 15 years came to

visit. After coming back from the Holy lands my father got an infection and

was in the hospital for 100 days before she let us know. The hospital staff

knew that he had children and said that we should be called for a final visit

because he wasn't expected to make it. That was the first we knew about it.

At that point Step-nada offered to pay for my brother to come down, but my

sister and I were on our own (we could come down if we wanted). He did make it

through that. A number of years later, she ended up with cancer and I had to

go down and take care of them. Her friends finally ended up talking to my

sister and I an appologizing to us. She had talked so badly about us that

every one thought my sister and I were just terrible, and my brother a saint.

Now that I was coming to take care of them instead of my brother, they realized

that she was incorrect. When I was going to Florida to take care of things, it

was a running joke between my sister and I, if anyone was looking to see my

extra head, since we were always portrayed as the evil 2 headed monsters, only

wanting my father's money. By the way after they were married all her money

was in her name only, anything my father had was in joint name with her.

Billie

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> > someone asked about gender splitting...and i noticed- just from

> > reading these posts that it seems more common for the male

siblings

> > to be split all bad- (yet, i know that isn't the case for the

person

> > questioning!) i also noticed that the suicides that are written

about

> > seem to be the male sibling as well.

Billie has a " good split " brother, and so did I.

> >

I was split " good " up until age 10, puberty (sexual competition?),

then I was the worst daughter ever, just plain bad. My little

brother, who was born when I was 8, was never bad. I was jealous of

him early on, then she became jealous of my relationship with him,

which continues even after his suicide. In her narcissistic view, I

could only be good when I was like her. When I developed my own

interests and opinions, she couldn't see herself in me anymore and I

became bad. She projected her physical and mental illness and social

isolation onto my brother. When she saw this in him it translated as

pity and " you can't take care of yourself, let me take care of you " .

This way she could control him, as she hadn't been able to control

any other men in her life, including her father who abandoned her.

I'm back on the pedistal since his death because I am taking care of

her. He's still up there too, even though he abandoned her, so

everyone outside the family is now bad.

> Our nada also threw in the message that she could die at any

moment. This trapped my brother between " I can't take care of

myself...men are supposed to take care of themselves...she has to

take care of me. " and " She could leave me and I have to take care of

myself (but I can't)...or I have to take care of her because she's

sick (which means I can't take care of myself). " It's no accident

that his suicide was 3 wks. after his 21st birthday. He was still

living with her.

Her suicidal threats pretty much stopped, as far as I know, about 5

yrs. before his death. She substituted them for her heart condition

and daily obsession with her impending death. Since he died, it's an

" any minute now " thing, and by God, don't upset her cuz you could

cause the " big one " . I have read that youth suicide is an acting out

of a parent's death wish, either expressed or unexpressed. Has her

death wish become her heart condition? Does it save her the trouble

and guilt of having to kill herself? Your posts are helping me

connect the gender-splitting dots to the double-bind dots to the

death dots. This dot game for her is truly do or die.

amz

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Nevele,

I was also an only child who constantly changed

between being " all good " and " all bad " . I never knew

what to expect. Most of the time, I was " all good "

and my stepdad was " all bad " . When I would be split

" all bad " was usually when I tried to gain some

independence, like disagreeing with her opinion of

something. Also, serious problems arose when I dated,

particularly when I met my fiance. She also hated

anyone I was friends with, male or female. To her,

they were all " trash " .

In a way, I think that being tossed back and forth

made it easier than being either split good or bad all

the time. I learned never to take anything she said

seriously. When she would tell me how proud she was

of me and, my personal favorite, how much she wished

she was like me, I would remember the times she would

tell me what an embarrassment I was, and vice versa.

I think it kept me from really taking anything

personal that she said about me. I mean, how could

anyone go from being an angel to a slut in 60 seconds

flat :-) Of course, now that I'm away from it, it has

left me with a very wobbly sense of who I am.

--- nevele wrote:

> i am also interested in this splitting issue. i

> always knew this was

> happening with my nada...but i didn't have words or

> a label for it

> until i joined this group. i have no siblings...but

> i feel like my

> nada split ME. she would split me through my dad.

> in her

> opinion...my dad was evil incarnate. and i was his

> seed. by the

> same token...she was the goddess and i was HER seed

> too. so, i never

> knew- from one moment to the next how she was going

> to relate to

> me...as the HORRIBLE LOATHSOME child or the perfect

> angel she

> idolized.

>

> she would ALWAYS pick apart anything about me that

> reminded her of my

> dad...and i look JUST LIKE him, so that didn't help.

> she was

> constantly snide remarking about the way my eyes

> flickered when i

> turned my head a certain way...or the way my mouth

> moved when i

> spoke... " JUST LIKE YOUR DADDY " she would say in that

> disgusted

> voice. i remember one time, she flew into a RAGE

> because i wore a

> white belt...that reminded her of when my dad wore a

> white belt.

> unforgivable. what was i thinking?! when i took

> the white belt

> off...she started crying and literally begging and

> pleading with me

> to put it back on. (the brief moment of clarity when

> she saw how she

> was treating " her angel " )

>

> someone asked about gender splitting...and i

> noticed- just from

> reading these posts that it seems more common for

> the male siblings

> to be split all bad- (yet, i know that isn't the

> case for the person

> questioning!) i also noticed that the suicides that

> are written about

> seem to be the male sibling as well.

>

> i suppose i was lucky, in a way, not to be the

> target of a

> perpetual " all bad " split. and i certainly

> empathize with those that

> were. and how hard it must be to be the " all good "

> sibling and watch

> the injustice and pain that is caused to your

> sisters or brothers.

> (i do have 2 half brothers- from my dad's side- that

> i love more than

> my very life!)

>

> interesting...i, too, would love to hear more about

> splitting if

> anyone has anything to offer. (any " only children "

> out there???)

> nev

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

erin, you were right on the money! the nada vocabulary is learned at

that nada university too, apparently. ALL OF MY FRIENDS were

also " TRASH " . i have heard that word numerous times. like you, i

feel fortunate that i was not the sole target of one type of behavior

or another...this is what gave me some perspective into her

personality at an early age. i knew she was crazy even if everyone

else thought she was great!!! LOL

now that i am older, and developed a bit of a " back bone " with

her...she tries to keep her opinions to herself, but it's funny to

watch her, because she is SOOOO physically repulsed by other people

in my life that i love, it's like she is right on the edge of

EXPLODING anytime she is around them. (eye rolling, exasperated

sighs, snide little comments...)

i have also noticed that people in my life that DON'T

particularly " move " me...like my nice neighbor next door whose

children play with my daughter...my nada just ADORES her... " she would

be a PERFECT friend for you!!! " nada can sense who i am more

apathetic about- thus does not threaten her- so they are JUST FINE to

be my friend. she did this my whole life...she tried to choose my

friends based on how intense i felt about them. so sad.

thanks and love to all!

nev

> > i am also interested in this splitting issue. i

> > always knew this was

> > happening with my nada...but i didn't have words or

> > a label for it

> > until i joined this group. i have no siblings...but

> > i feel like my

> > nada split ME. she would split me through my dad.

> > in her

> > opinion...my dad was evil incarnate. and i was his

> > seed. by the

> > same token...she was the goddess and i was HER seed

> > too. so, i never

> > knew- from one moment to the next how she was going

> > to relate to

> > me...as the HORRIBLE LOATHSOME child or the perfect

> > angel she

> > idolized.

> >

> > she would ALWAYS pick apart anything about me that

> > reminded her of my

> > dad...and i look JUST LIKE him, so that didn't help.

> > she was

> > constantly snide remarking about the way my eyes

> > flickered when i

> > turned my head a certain way...or the way my mouth

> > moved when i

> > spoke... " JUST LIKE YOUR DADDY " she would say in that

> > disgusted

> > voice. i remember one time, she flew into a RAGE

> > because i wore a

> > white belt...that reminded her of when my dad wore a

> > white belt.

> > unforgivable. what was i thinking?! when i took

> > the white belt

> > off...she started crying and literally begging and

> > pleading with me

> > to put it back on. (the brief moment of clarity when

> > she saw how she

> > was treating " her angel " )

> >

> > someone asked about gender splitting...and i

> > noticed- just from

> > reading these posts that it seems more common for

> > the male siblings

> > to be split all bad- (yet, i know that isn't the

> > case for the person

> > questioning!) i also noticed that the suicides that

> > are written about

> > seem to be the male sibling as well.

> >

> > i suppose i was lucky, in a way, not to be the

> > target of a

> > perpetual " all bad " split. and i certainly

> > empathize with those that

> > were. and how hard it must be to be the " all good "

> > sibling and watch

> > the injustice and pain that is caused to your

> > sisters or brothers.

> > (i do have 2 half brothers- from my dad's side- that

> > i love more than

> > my very life!)

> >

> > interesting...i, too, would love to hear more about

> > splitting if

> > anyone has anything to offer. (any " only children "

> > out there???)

> > nev

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Billie wrote: <<<I went to college at 17 and never really

did more than visit after that.>>>

When I was in college, the only reason I came 'home' was to

see the dog, whom I couldn't bring to college since I lived

in the dorms.

Hope

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Nev,

" JUST LIKE YOUR DADDY " was also my Nada's favorite insult

to me. It was the worst insult possible - I knew that from

her tone and facial expressions, not because I knew my Fada

independently. Until I finally went to visit him when I was

14. What a shock. I found out he was a really nice guy and

there is LOTS to like about him. Boy did I cry an ocean of

tears during that visit.

But there's also lots NOT to like about Fada, and it makes

it all soo confusing... Anyway, it is such a relief to hear

I'm not the only one who got that kind of insult thrown at

them (and isn't that ludicrous: getting relief from hearing

how somebody else's parents hurt their feelings!!)...

Well, I seem intent on filling up the list with a zillion

responses tonight :-)

Ciao

Hope

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

--- Hope wrote:

> Billie wrote: <<<I went to college at 17 and never really

> did more than visit after that.>>>

>

> When I was in college, the only reason I came 'home' was to

> see the dog, whom I couldn't bring to college since I lived

> in the dorms.

>

> Hope

>

After I went to college my back troubles ended. I used to get knots in the

muscles in my back and I was on something called soma-compound during high

school. I'm lucky I made it to college. Actually I was reading on a 12th

grade level by the time we moved in with her (sixth grade).

Billie

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for responding -- I think you may be right

about the gender splitting. My nada (and fada)really

wanted boys, and then I was an " accident " so she may

just have been splitting us by whether she wanted us

or not.

My nada also used to put on her slinky nightgown and

sit and watch TV or stand in front of the fireplace

" warming herself " -- she had a lot of loose spots, so

it was pretty disgusting.

Boy...a lot of posts have hit home today...I don't

have time to respond to them all, but I also

appreciate this list.

tg

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