Re: anger

[Guest guest]

Hi Hania,

I am not great at managing my anger either, but I try very hard to

turn it into " I " statements about how I feel rather than " you make me "

statements. A good book to read is " The Dance of Anger. " I can't

remember the author's last name right now, but her first name I

believe is Harriet. Hope this helps some.

Anni

> Hey listmates,

> I am having a really hard time dealing with anger. Because I

had/have a bp nada who stuffs anger, then drinks and rages AND having

spent 20 years with a bph who would stuff anger, then rage (including

physical abuse), I do not know how to deal with anger.

>

> I read Melody Beattie's books on codependency and realized that it

is OK to feel anger. I am working hard on it. But, I still don't

feel like I have a grip on it. Like how to release anger before it

explodes. I do NOT rage at my kids (I am so terrified of being nada),

but I do take my anger out on myself by playing all the old tapes of

things nada and fada used to say.

>

> Any advice would be appreciated.

> Hania

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My hardest problem is dealing with my ex. I still have to " walk on eggshells "

around him. I have SWOE and have read it many times. Still, I get scared

whenever we have a conflict. And, we are in the middle of a BIG one now.

I live far from him, yet he still gets to me.

Hania

Re: anger

Hi Hania,

I am not great at managing my anger either, but I try very hard to

turn it into " I " statements about how I feel rather than " you make me "

statements. A good book to read is " The Dance of Anger. " I can't

remember the author's last name right now, but her first name I

believe is Harriet. Hope this helps some.

Anni

[Guest guest]

--- Hania wrote:

> Hey listmates,

> I am having a really hard time dealing with anger.

But, I still don't feel like I have a

> grip on it. Like how to release anger before it

> explodes.

I also have a battle with anger. One thing that helps

me is when I go walking. That helps release a little

of it. Also, drawing with crayons even if you just

want to scribble -- that has helped me some.

Unfortunately, I also curse when I am in traffic --

not at other people but to myself.

I used to stuff my anger and never express it and I

had constant migraine headaches. I am expressing it

now (not at others, or at least admitting that I *am*

angry and the headaches are gone. But I am still

battling how to get rid of it. I am angry most of the

time because of my parents and my two ex spouses.

I am in counseling and I think that the coping skills

I learn there will help me. I don't know if this

helps any, but that's what I am doing so far.

Holly

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi Hania,

I started seeing a therapist a few weeks back. He

stated that he's worked with many BP's, and

thankfully, advises that he doesn't see it in me.

However, he does understand abuse issues, and BP, and

from the standpoint of being a victim of abuse by a

nada and an exh, he's been right on target with his

approach and assessment of what he sees in me. I do

have fleas. One of the most pre-dominant is beating

myself up. (And this is a cause for depression.

Gheesh, just when I thought I wasn't depressed

anymore!)

From what he's been able to gather about me, his plan

of treatment is to use cognitive behavioral therapy.

Next week he'll be introducing the concept of

cognitive distortions. That being, that we, as KO's

have a pattern of the way we process our thoughts. Ie,

beating ourselves up -blaming ourselves,

interanalizing crap - ***Crap, that doesn't even

happen to exist - it's just a matter of our perception

of a situation.***

Sometimes we don't see reality for what it really is

because our perceptions are distorted.

Fer instance, this past weekend I sent off birthday

cards for my nephews. I told my T that I felt angry

that I sent them. I felt as if sending the cards off

were being directed (controlled,) by some deep seated

FOG precedent found within the FOO. (Even though no

one contacted me and guilted me to send them...!) In

reality - they were just acknowledgements for my

nephews who happen to be innocent in the scheme of

things. In reality, this acknowlegement is not about

the *stuff*, it's about two little boys who will

appreciate being acknowledged. In reality, I sent them

because *I* wanted to - but it was the negative

self-talk and distorted perceptions of the past that

*I* also added to the mix that left me feeling the way

I did. It's got nothing to do with the FOO. (But damn,

that's a hard one for me to get past!)

I don't know about you, but just about everything I've

ever done or thought in my life is the result of

having my perceptions distorted b/c of my BP nada and

my exh. I haven't even begun to work on this issue

yet. But I can't wait... Positive self-talk will be

part of the therapy in seeking the truest reality of

any given situation and turning off old tapes.

As for anger, yes, I've had a lot of anger which was

more than likely being experienced d/t cognitive

distortions - and a whole lot of abuse.

You wrote:

> I read Melody Beattie's books on codependency and

> realized that it is OK to feel anger.

Yes, it is. But I've even had to rethink a lot about

what's making me angry. Are they triggers, is it mine,

is this something *I'm* really angry about - or is it

some reaction - some deep seated cognitive distortion.

Then there's that type of anger that's a build up of

years of abuse. That very deep anger - rage - that

needs to come out. I've felt this too... and it DOES

need to come out.

I am working

> hard on it. But, I still don't feel like I have a

> grip on it. Like how to release anger before it

> explodes. I do NOT rage at my kids (I am so

> terrified of being nada), but I do take my anger out

> on myself by playing all the old tapes of things

> nada and fada used to say.

>

Well, from what I see here - and what you wrote about

how both your nada and your exh would *stuff* and then

blow - it appears you may be headed in the same

direction if you don't get it out. It appears you're

holding back b/c you don't want to explode. If we keep

holding back, we can't help but become the *stovepipe*

that finally builds up w/so much creosote that it

blows it's top.

I could be wrong, but there's not enough information

here to know how you react. When you beat yourself up,

what do you do? Rage at yourself? I've had times where

I've walked around in a mumbling rage - not directed

at the kids, but still raging... I also HAVE raged at

my kids...

Maybe, I'm seeing something that's not there and am

pulling upon my own experience - but in my experience,

KO's DO have a lot of anger... and as for me, it

didn't diffuse itself by sitting around *saying,*

" Cyndie, your a bad girl. " It came out in *acting out*

the emotions - yelling! A healthy way to do that might

be to find some secluded area and just scream it out -

kick a tree and pretend it's nada and exh - take a

drive and scream in the car. These types of things

have worked for me. It's a release.

Hania, you have a very full plate and are in the

process of processing a lot of stuff as well as caring

for 4 special needs kids. My question is, what are you

doing for yourself? We need to find the time to

nurture ourselves... We also need to look for the good

that we do. We spend too much time looking at and for

the bad in us, that we forget and don't see the good.

My T asked me to name three things about myself that

are good. I couldn't really think of anything and

grasped at straws to come up with only two. I'm sure

there's a lot of good in me and a lot of good that I

do - but I don't look for and nurture those things - I

tend to self-flaggelate and dwell on the negative. I

can even take something good and make it bad! Or at

the least, not give myself the credit that my actions

may merit. My T already sees a lot in me that I don't

give myself credit for... but he's not telling just

yet!

I believe you stated that you can't afford a T. I

found mine through a local DV shelter. There is a lot

of free counseling to be found. I would suggest trying

your DV shelter - let them know about nada and BPex

and see if there isn't something you can do to get

some real life help.

I can't see myself getting through my personality

quirks w/o the help of a good therapist...

Peace,

Cyndie

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I started seeing my therapist 5 years ago. I was a terrible stuffer. Also

many years of being angry with Grand-nada saying " You are no good like your

mother " and KO father saying that I had to just not say anything back. There

was always the threat of the orphanage over my head.

It is sort of odd, that I have learned how to handle anger in the work setting,

not having a knee-jerk reaction, and just examining the situation to see how it

could be handled.

I am still not so good in the personal arena. On big things that are

emotional, my therapist suggested writing it down. This works good to take the

emotion out, although I usually have to rewrite several times to make it how I

feel instead of a " you did this, you did that " .

I also read a book on boundries " where I begin and you end " , and it says that

anger occurs when your boundries are broached. I do try just to restate my

boundry, which is not always easy, it is much easier to either stuff, or just

call someone a jerk.

I just attended an IT Technical conference last week and we had one of the

Keynote speaker give a session at night. It was called Yes, and... This was

taking what was said to you and fully accepting it, the Yes part, and then

going on to maybe explain. The saying 'Yes' does not necessarily suggest that

you agree with the person, but that you acknowledge what is said. I will let

you know how it goes on that one..it is going to take some practice...not

reacting when someone has something to say that may make you angry.

Billie

--- Hania wrote:

> Hey listmates,

> I am having a really hard time dealing with anger. Because I had/have a bp

> nada who stuffs anger, then drinks and rages AND having spent 20 years with a

> bph who would stuff anger, then rage (including physical abuse), I do not

> know how to deal with anger.

>

> I read Melody Beattie's books on codependency and realized that it is OK to

> feel anger. I am working hard on it. But, I still don't feel like I have a

> grip on it. Like how to release anger before it explodes. I do NOT rage at

> my kids (I am so terrified of being nada), but I do take my anger out on

> myself by playing all the old tapes of things nada and fada used to say.

>

> Any advice would be appreciated.

> Hania

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I was in a dynamic meditation workshop last year where we

did a lot of exercises on anger. I didn't even realize I

repressed my anger until about seven months into the

workshop. Some of the exercises included stuff like we all

lay on our backs on mats and kicked and punched the air.

Or, in a dark room, with loud annoying music, we'd all

scream and kick and punch the mats.

I thought I was just enjoying the physical release of

yelling, it took me months to realize how angry I really

was, and the exercises really helped me alot.

Good night

Hope

--- Hania wrote:

> Hey listmates,

> I am having a really hard time dealing with anger.

> Because I had/have a bp nada who stuffs anger, then

> drinks and rages AND having spent 20 years with a bph who

> would stuff anger, then rage (including physical abuse),

> I do not know how to deal with anger.

>

> I read Melody Beattie's books on codependency and

> realized that it is OK to feel anger. I am working hard

> on it. But, I still don't feel like I have a grip on it.

> Like how to release anger before it explodes. I do NOT

> rage at my kids (I am so terrified of being nada), but I

> do take my anger out on myself by playing all the old

> tapes of things nada and fada used to say.

>

> Any advice would be appreciated.

> Hania

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I tend to do the same thing. I never thought of writing letters to my

husband, that is a good idea. My therapist and I talked about it yesterday.

It comes back to the old boundary issue. I still have weak boundaries in

some aspects of my life. The areas where I have learned to establish

boundaries, i find that I can discuss the issue calmly and a confrontation

doesn't develop. Where my boundaries are weak I tend to become resentful

and that's when I explode. For me I feel that my problems with boundaries

are partly due to the fact that I don't know who I am and what my needs are.

Melody Beatties Codependent No More has helped me with that and listening to

my gut reactions has also helped.

jules

anger

i don't know about you guys, but i tend to hold things in as long as

possible...then EXPLODE!!!!!! i despise confrontation...at any

cost. and i suffer as a result of that. i keep all my feelings

inside...and when i have finally reached my limit, i literally turn

inside out. it's horrible. i am such a doormat/mouse 99 percent of

the time...but, i can make the mightiest of men tremble when i rage.

i never really saw this part of myself until i married and had a

family. it scares me. so much like nada. and even though that

behavior is infrequent, even ONE TIME is too much for me. i have

really been praying and working on managing my anger. it's a very

CONSCIOUS effort for me. i have to stop, relax and FORCE myself to

make a better choice.

and i also need to confront my wimpy side too!!! the doormat. my

explosions would not be so bad, if i wouldn't let things bottle up.

my fear of confrontation is sooooo strong. i can't even express my

feelings to my husband!! i usually write letters to him to get a

point across. in a sense, that is good...my thoughts are rational

and presented in a calm way...but in another sense, it's bad...i feel

like i FEAR standing up for myself- like i fear HIM- and there is no

rational reason for that.

i need to find balance. express my anger in a HEALTHY way right up

front...rather than let things build up...or " wimp out " with letters.

nev

[Guest guest]

--- Hope wrote:

Some of the exercises included stuff like

> we all

> lay on our backs on mats and kicked and punched the

> air.

> Or, in a dark room, with loud annoying music, we'd

> all

> scream and kick and punch the mats.

this sounds great too. I forgot that I like to go to

a sports store like Academy and punch the heavy bag.

I would *love* to have one at home. One time I hung

all my old coats up on a hook against the wall and

punched at those. That really helped with anger.

Holly

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

My roomate in college had a punching bag up in our room!!

All our neighbors in the dorm used to come over for

punching sessions.

One trick I learned really early was to pretend I'm

sticking my tongue out at Nada without actually opening my

mouth.

Today I like to go on a hard, fast bike ride when I have

strong feelings to deal with. If it's raining, sometimes I

close all the windows and put on loud music, and scream and

jump and bash pillows. My dog, Jewel, can really get into

this with me. She'll be following me around, wagging, with

this look on her face that's like: 'mommy? is something

going on?'

Bye

Hope

--- Holly Chermack wrote:

>

> --- Hope wrote:

> Some of the exercises included stuff like

> > we all

> > lay on our backs on mats and kicked and punched the

> > air.

> > Or, in a dark room, with loud annoying music, we'd

> > all

> > scream and kick and punch the mats.

>

> this sounds great too. I forgot that I like to go to

> a sports store like Academy and punch the heavy bag.

> I would *love* to have one at home. One time I hung

> all my old coats up on a hook against the wall and

> punched at those. That really helped with anger.

>

> Holly

>

> __________________________________________________

>