Guest guest Posted May 3, 2002 Report Share Posted May 3, 2002 Aimee wrote: << Is there a time that you actually feel totally free from this? >> Aimee, I don't know if KOs will ever really be " free " from their upbringing and nadas/fadas. The past cannot be erased, and what we went through will always be there. It's why we are who we are today -- and for that reason, I wouldn't change it ... I'm actually starting to like who I am today. What we *can* change is how we feel about it. We can change the unhealthy coping mechanisms that got us through childhood intact, but hamper our ability to be healthy adults. We can change how we treat our own children, so we don't perpetuate the cycle of abuse. Unfortunately, there's no cookbook approach to going through these changes. Each KO is unique, each of us has our own process and our own timeline. I've been in therapy for ~4 years, and learned about BPD around 18 months ago. Although my pre-BPD therapy helped, I really took off and changed much more rapidly after learning about BPD. I still have fleas and issues, but I am 1000 times healthier than I was 18 months ago. I'm happier, calmer, more at peace, less anxious, more secure. I have faith in myself. I'm learning to like myself. I'm learning to listen to and believe in myself. I don't know exactly how I got to this point, and I'm still changing, too. I just went to therapy, read books, posted here, talked to friends and my hubby, and followed my nose. Each of us has the capacity to do this, but we each must look within to find it. If you feel sick to your stomach when you see your mom or hear her messages, your body is sending you a very strong message. Listen to it, and try to honor it, and give yourself what you need. I don't think I'll ever feel free of this. I hope to someday feel at peace with it, though. And I think I'm a lot closer to that point than I was 18 months ago. Good luck. Anon --- Aimee Chappelear wrote: > > I would like to know when you start to feel free? > > I had cut my mother out of my life for a while. Just recently > I started to have limited contact with her. I had to see how > I felt talking to her. I've actually only seen her about 3-4 > times and only for about an hour each time. For the longest > time, everytime she looked at me or left messages on my > answering machine I would feel so sick to my stomach. > > When I didn't have contact with her I did start to feel > better, but at the same time I wondered if she could ever say > she was sorry. Since I have had this contact I feel the same > way. Sick to my stomach when I did see her and sick when she > leaves messages on my machine. I feel icky and very ugly to > talk to her. I see that she will never say I'm sorry for all > the hurt and pain I have caused you. > > I know I still have a lot of anger to deal with, but I try to > fill my head with the love I have for my children instead of > the hurt she has caused me. > > Is there a time that you actually feel totally free from this? > > > Aimee __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2002 Report Share Posted May 3, 2002 Anon ~ That was beautifully well said... Cyndie --- Anon Mous wrote: > Aimee, I don't know if KOs will ever really be > " free " from their > upbringing and nadas/fadas. The past cannot be > erased, and what > we went through will always be there. It's why we > are who we > are today -- and for that reason, I wouldn't change > it ... I'm > actually starting to like who I am today. What we > *can* change > is how we feel about it. We can change the > unhealthy coping > mechanisms that got us through childhood intact, but > hamper our > ability to be healthy adults. We can change how we > treat our > own children, so we don't perpetuate the cycle of > abuse. > > Unfortunately, there's no cookbook approach to going > through > these changes. Each KO is unique, each of us has > our own > process and our own timeline. I've been in therapy > for ~4 > years, and learned about BPD around 18 months ago. > Although my > pre-BPD therapy helped, I really took off and > changed much more > rapidly after learning about BPD. I still have > fleas and > issues, but I am 1000 times healthier than I was 18 > months ago. > I'm happier, calmer, more at peace, less anxious, > more secure. > I have faith in myself. I'm learning to like > myself. I'm > learning to listen to and believe in myself. I > don't know > exactly how I got to this point, and I'm still > changing, too. I > just went to therapy, read books, posted here, > talked to friends > and my hubby, and followed my nose. Each of us has > the capacity > to do this, but we each must look within to find it. > If you > feel sick to your stomach when you see your mom or > hear her > messages, your body is sending you a very strong > message. > Listen to it, and try to honor it, and give yourself > what you > need. > > I don't think I'll ever feel free of this. I hope > to someday > feel at peace with it, though. And I think I'm a > lot closer to > that point than I was 18 months ago. __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2002 Report Share Posted May 3, 2002 i think the free feeling began for me when I realized that I was the boss of the boundaries I set. Like dealing with irritating telemarketers, I didn't have to drop my day to deal with whatever the FOO was sending me. Feeling the full extent of the negative feelings was also a turning point for me. I gave myself permission and support to feel the anger about the events inflicted on me, I recognized that *I* didn't deserve the treatment or the experience, and that nada was responsible. When as a child, I was never allowed to ever show any negative feelings, this is a HUGE liberation, and made me feel like I was walking in totally new territory. I felt sort of like I was committing a sacrilege, to face the past and call it what it was. Going to therapy also helped to hear the clinical names for the activities in our house, " self medicating " " domestic violence " " child abuse " . Reading Toxic Parents, Understanding the Borderline Mother, SWOE, If You Had Controlling Parents, the Adult Child's Guide to Normal, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Incest.... these books all helped me. Posting on this list helped me most of all perhaps, because it ties in with the concepts in the books. It is a painful process of mourning, naming and dealing with the family secrets, and doing so without the support of the family. If you grew up in a family where family " came first " and there was a cult of devotion to the family, this can be a very hard step. But by reading the posts and archives on this list, I began to see a pattern and get the feeling that I was not alone. There is a lot of hidden violence in my FOO, a lot of secrets, a lot of scary things. But I found out on this list that I don't have to carry the secrets anymore. take care...it takes a while..... kathleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2002 Report Share Posted May 3, 2002 <<<<<Is there a time that you actually feel totally free from this? Aimee >>>>>>>>> YES! there is a time. When you finally do what is best for you and not for nada, you will start to feel free. The guilt will lessen as you learn to confront your thoughts and to challenge them with the truth. You can not run through the tunnel, though, it takes time!!! Ilene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 21, 2004 Report Share Posted April 21, 2004 How many times have I told you I need you free to do all that has to be done? When will you learn to let go and be free? You will never know the meaning of freedom until you are willing to let go, have confidence that you can do it and take those first few struggling steps. Only you can do it; no one else can do it for you. Are you afraid of what is around the corner; afraid of what the future holds? Where are your faith and trust? Why not learn to live fully and gloriously in the ever-present now, and let Me look after the future for you? I have wonderful things waiting for you when you are free and cease to cling to what you already have because you are afraid of losing everything. Be willing to lose everything to gain something far, far greater. All is in My hands, and all is very, very well. With love and many blessings, Eileen -- You can now buy many of Eileen's books online at: http://www.findhorn.org/link/eileen -- To subscribe to this list please go to: http://www.findhorn.org/link/subscribeguidance *¸..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:- ~ @love, Jolene.... ¸.·´ .·´¨¨)) ~a seeker... a finder...an encourager~ ((¸¸.·´ ..·´ -:¦:- -:¦:- ((¸¸.·´ * If it doesn't bring peace, make another choice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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