Re: Take the Knife Out of My Heart

[Guest guest]

Just the subject line is one I don't think you'd find on any other list - it's

so BP! lol

How many times have I heard these same words - let me count....... lol

Carol, I'm surprised you wanted to see your nada. Me...I'm scared if I ever

went back to see her that she would verbally assasinate me. It was what she's

done in the past and I don't ever expect it to change. I do have a horrible

feeling that it's going to be hard to deal with her death, when it comes -

especially if she cuts me out of her will - sort of the final knife.

Hang in there! It sounds like you still need to work on your healing, so that

you can let go.

Ilene

[Guest guest]

My mother's favorite line is: You are just like your father! and....

After all I've done for you. Fact is, I am just like my father, except

that I've a better handle on things emotionally. And....the biggest

thing she did for me was give birth to me. It was downhill after

that. For the first years of my life I was OK bec. the family was

small and she was away from HER FOO. But that didn't last long

and we soon began the living with her FOO and then it went

downhill.

First is was the abandonment to maids, bec. she couldn't stand

up to her mother. I remember going from a simple life in CA to a

simple life in the Philippines, but being very lonely. My mother

was never around!

Then it moved to physical abuse, then emotional abuse by using

and degrading, then she started in on my sisters, and then and

then and then.

I can honestly say that since I was 4, I have never trusted her.

At the age of 4 I had my first experience of her being mean. I had

a horrible earache, and I was crying and she USUALLY took care

of me. But this time, she marched out in filmy baby doll pajamas

(EEEWWW) and scolded me and sort of roughly stuffed baby

aspirin in my mouth and sent me off to bed.

This evening was sitting holding MY baby who is 3.5 because

she has a fever. I sat in a chair and held her and watched my 6

year old sleep bec. he is sick too. I don't find that hard to do.

When I was 10 I had the WORST ear infection but it went

unattended until one day in the car she was shouting at me and I

was looking out the window and I couldn't hear her. My hearing

was 90% gone in one ear and all gone in the other. I couldn't tell,

or I was so used to not making waves. It got worse over

months...I remember when we were living in New Mexico the

previous year she and my aunt would be shouting at me and

making fun of my LOUD voice. I was compensating for slipping

hearing. I can't imagine making fun of one of my kids. Something

like that is a neon light flashing that something is physically

wrong.

Anyway....she's been telling my sibs in CA that my sister and I

are hateful mean horrible crazy women. I guess that out of OZ

that means we are doing just fine.

Knife in the heart indeed. Dontcha hate it?

Kathleen

[Guest guest]

Hi Ilene!

Thanks for your kind and supportive words. See my comments inserted

below..........

> Just the subject line is one I don't think you'd find

> on any other list - it's so BP! lol

Yup! And thank God for this list!

> How many times have I heard these same words - let me

> count....... lol

There aren't enough numbers in the universe! LOL

> Carol, I'm surprised you wanted to see your nada.

> Me...I'm scared if I ever went back to see her that she

> would verbally assasinate me. It was what she's

> done in the past and I don't ever expect it to change.

In my case, I expect mother would act just like before ............ like

nothing happened, at least on the surface. That's how I was able to

brush things aside over the years, because I easily rationalized it to

drunkenness and no substance (didn't know about BPD then).

Mother buries her anger, which surfaces only while drunk every evening,

when she repeats the same angry stories about all the injustices in her

life, going way back to childhood. When sober during the day, she's not

very verbal at all, and actually quite pleasant.

To the best of my recollection, I grew up with no anger, no yelling, no

screaming, and few spankings. What I did grow up with was tension,

megatons of it. Tension is difficult to deal with, because you can

sense something's wrong, but you don't know what. There was no point in

asking, because she would clam up. I think that may be how I got so

good at " second guessing " and judging character.

> I do have a horrible feeling that it's going to be

> hard to deal with her death, when it comes -

> especially if she cuts me out of her will - sort of the

> final knife.

Yes. The finality of it is such a shock, as I found out when mother

completely cut me out of her will. I'm glad she did it, though, because

it gave me time to heal, and it's just that much less I'll have to deal

with after her death.

> Hang in there!

Thanks so much, Ilene.

> It sounds like you still need to work on your healing, so

> that you can let go.

Yes, you're so right. This incident made me realize that I still don't

have everything all neatly tucked away yet. Sigh!

Best wishes,

Carol