Re: Take the Knife Out of My Heart & Disinheritance

[Guest guest]

--- ilene@... wrote:

I do have a horrible

> feeling that it's going to be hard to deal with her

> death, when it comes -

> especially if she cuts me out of her will - sort of

> the final knife.

Mommie Dearest was on HBO this month. I sat there &

watched & got so mad!!!

In the end and her brother were sitting in

the attorneys office as he read the will. Mommie

Dearest said, " To my children, I leave nothing... for

reasons they both understand. " It was a final knife

for her and also the catalyst for her writing her

book. I imagine it's the final zinger, the final hand

of control and one upmanship. Nasty, nasty. My anger

gets triggered by it & she's not even my mother.

I don't have to worry about nada cutting me out of any

will. But I do know what it's like to see her hand

down valuables to my brother and his kids while I and

mine sat there and watched (and got nada.) Yup. And

the pleasure she took from it too... But she's living,

so I can say what I need to say to her without saying

anything at all.

If she disinherited me after the fact and I'd still

ahd expectations, I might feel like she took my voice

to the grave with her - controlled my final say. That

might eat at me... least for awhile.

I'll never forget the satisfaction on her face when

she passed up me and my kids and never forget my

brother & his wifes gloating either... Her gifts to

them proved their worth over mine (or so they think.)

I didn't sacrifice my integrity for a buck. They did.

I don't know, I believe in sharing and equality. If

the shoe were on my foot and nada gave me everything,

I think I'd have it within me to see that the scales

were grossly tipped in my favor. I think I'd feel

uncomfortable of having so much gain while another

sibling got nothing. But that's just me... I have to

stop thinking that my brother & his wife think in

terms of fairness and what is right. I have to stop

thinking that they can see what nada does like I do.

They just don't and I give them too much credit.

I give my power away to them by wanting them to get

it. I want to knock them upside the head w/a mental

two by four and say, " Hey! Get it? See what she's

doing? I'm not all bad ya know? Nada is sick and she's

only giving you gifts to punish me. And you're taking

them all as if you're more deserving than I is wrong.

Can't you see that? " Aargh! It's frustrating to know

that they really do think they're more deserving than

me.

Maybe I need a knock upside the head with a mental two

by four concerning my brother & his wife? Maybe I need

to look into the BP siblings list. Maybe I'll find

things there that I can identify with my brother. Nada

is nada, that's one thing - I can find acceptance in

her behavior, but for some reason I find it harder to

accept my brother & SILs behavior.

Cyndie

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Cyndie McCoy wrote:

> Mommie Dearest was on HBO this month. I sat there &

> watched & got so mad!!!

I read that book years ago, probably in the 80s, when my relationship

with mother was fine. I believed the story, but it just didn't seem

possible. I wondered if the daughter was " sour grapes " and trying to

get even somehow. It was beyond my comprehension. I'll have to read it

again.

> If she disinherited me after the fact and I'd still

> ahd expectations, I might feel like she took my voice

> to the grave with her - controlled my final say. That

> might eat at me... least for awhile.

Yes, when I found out about being disinherited, it felt exactly like

she'd " controlled my final say " . It was like she had a string, and I

was still on the end of it, getting jerked around.

> I don't know, I believe in sharing and equality. If

> the shoe were on my foot and nada gave me everything,

> I think I'd have it within me to see that the scales

> were grossly tipped in my favor. I think I'd feel

> uncomfortable of having so much gain while another

> sibling got nothing. But that's just me... I have to

> stop thinking that my brother & his wife think in

> terms of fairness and what is right. I have to stop

> thinking that they can see what nada does like I do.

> They just don't and I give them too much credit.

Gosh! That reminds me of when mother had her first will drawn up in

'78. She gave me everything, and my brother nothing, because he had

been a thorn in her side all of his life. I didn't fight it, because I

never fought mother on anything. I rationalized that it was my

brother's fault, and he was getting his just due. And besides, it would

be a million years before mother died and brother found out anyhow.

Ten years later, mother tried to manipulate my preteen daughter by

telling her she could have all her things, house included, if she'd come

live with her. Mother told her we favored her brother, that it wasn't

fair, and that she didn't have to put up with it.

In 1998, mother offered $100,000 to each my dad and brother, who live

together, if they'd let her come live with them. They declined, because

they knew what was in store.

In 1999 mother disinherited me and effectively gave her entire estate to

a greatly despised sister-in-law.

In 2001, mother turned on sister-in-law and gave her entire estate to

the retirement home. Turned out to be the best thing she ever did, as

it turned out.

I've never threaded these incidents together before. What a

revealation.

> It's frustrating to know that they really do think

> they're [sic, brother and sister-in-law] more

> deserving than me.

I can relate, because I felt much more deserving than my brother.

Brainwashed.

> Nada is nada, that's one thing - I can find

> acceptance in her behavior, but for some reason I

> find it harder to accept my brother & SILs

> behavior.

Yes, it really hurts. It's all part of nada's attempt to control her

environment and those in it, and with money is the convenient weapon.

Also, nada may be " brainwashing " your brother with all sorts of untruths

about you, such that it causes your brother to pity your poor nada, who

suffers so dreadfully because of you (all untrue, of course).

Therefore, brother feels he deserves everything, and you nothing. This

sort of thing is very powerful. I was lulled into it myself.

Hang in there.

Carol

[Guest guest]

We all read Mommy Dearest when it came out. And watched the

movie too. I think that was the first light bulb with my and my two

" awake " sisters and it was such a revelation that we went around

saying, " And we thought nada was the only one " .

Well.........then nada read the book and nada's comment was to

say that all these people who went around criticizing their

mothers had no pride and were low class to leak their family

secrets.

Well...I started reading " tell - alls " then. One of the more recent

ones was by Mia Farrow.

anyway, back to nada. I was ashamed like her about things

getting revealed. But fortunately, I had a lot of public spectacles

such as the repo-ing of our house in the Philippines (in the

paper), my father's several trips to the mental hospital, the

suicide of husband #1 which hit the news. It is painful to

experience, but it all lead up to this, the outing of my BPD mother,

who was my biggest and most painful secret of all. From the

other humiliations, I learned that there was an inner part of me

that no one could get to and was above the froth and scramble of

daily gossip. It was the wheel of life, up one day, down the next.

anyway....when husband #1 committed suicide, the survivors

went on a massive distortion campaign, and that was my first

experience of not reacting to something scary. I was on my own,

away from them by an ocean, no longer related bec. the bond

was severed by his death. I didn't hear it, didn't look to engage

with them, because I was free.

I weathered it without much difficulty (separating from that inlaw

batch- there was major incest in that family too, right under the

nose of the psychologist mother). Awful awful.

I am seeking that objectivity and detachment from my FOO at this

time too.

As far as inheritance...there isn't any, and I don't want any of

nada's stuff. I've seen people hold it over others though and it is

painful to be cut out.

Kathleen

[Guest guest]

----- Cyndie McCoy wrote:

--- ilene@... wrote:

I do have a horrible

> feeling that it's going to be hard to deal with her

> death, when it comes -

> especially if she cuts me out of her will - sort of

> the final knife.

Mommie Dearest was on HBO this month. I sat there &

watched & got so mad!!!

In the end and her brother were sitting in

the attorneys office as he read the will. Mommie

Dearest said, " To my children, I leave nothing... for

reasons they both understand. " It was a final knife

for her and also the catalyst for her writing her

book. I imagine it's the final zinger, the final hand

of control and one upmanship. Nasty, nasty. My anger

gets triggered by it & she's not even my mother.

I don't have to worry about nada cutting me out of any

will. But I do know what it's like to see her hand

down valuables to my brother and his kids while I and

mine sat there and watched (and got nada.) Yup. And

the pleasure she took from it too... But she's living,

so I can say what I need to say to her without saying

anything at all.

If she disinherited me after the fact and I'd still

ahd expectations, I might feel like she took my voice

to the grave with her - controlled my final say. That

might eat at me... least for awhile.

I'll never forget the satisfaction on her face when

she passed up me and my kids and never forget my

brother & his wifes gloating either... Her gifts to

them proved their worth over mine (or so they think.)

I didn't sacrifice my integrity for a buck. They did.

I don't know, I believe in sharing and equality. If

the shoe were on my foot and nada gave me everything,

I think I'd have it within me to see that the scales

were grossly tipped in my favor. I think I'd feel

uncomfortable of having so much gain while another

sibling got nothing. But that's just me... I have to

stop thinking that my brother & his wife think in

terms of fairness and what is right. I have to stop

thinking that they can see what nada does like I do.

They just don't and I give them too much credit.

I give my power away to them by wanting them to get

it. I want to knock them upside the head w/a mental

two by four and say, " Hey! Get it? See what she's

doing? I'm not all bad ya know? Nada is sick and she's

only giving you gifts to punish me. And you're taking

them all as if you're more deserving than I is wrong.

Can't you see that? " Aargh! It's frustrating to know

that they really do think they're more deserving than

me.

Maybe I need a knock upside the head with a mental two

by four concerning my brother & his wife? Maybe I need

to look into the BP siblings list. Maybe I'll find

things there that I can identify with my brother. Nada

is nada, that's one thing - I can find acceptance in

her behavior, but for some reason I find it harder to

accept my brother & SILs behavior.

Cyndie

----- End of Original Message -----

I won't even let my mother do that to me with whatever

remains of her inheritance. I don't want anything

from her, and if by chance I ever speak with her

again, I will let her know that in no uncertain terms.

And if by chance I wind up with something, good for

me. But I am not counting on it nor expecting it.

She's a vindictive b*tch and I wouldn't put it past

her for disinheriting me, so I will not give her the

power to hurt me again. I am learning that I truly do

not need her, nor anything she could possibly give me.

From now on, everything is either on *my* terms, or

not at all.

Patty

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Thank you Carol. It was refreshing to read your post,

even it wasn't coming from my brother & SIL. It helps

me to understand their perspective a little better. I

do understand how they could rationalize that they

could be more deserving than me d/t distortions, etc.

However, I'm not entirely convinced that what they did

wasn't based solely on greed either.

When my eldest brother was dying, my surviving brother

helped him handle final arrangements. He'd run errands

for him. All of this was done on the premise that he

would be compensated for it.

After my brother passed, he took his entire family to

my brothers home and went through his belongings. They

each chose items they wanted to have. He put his wife

& kids ahead of me and I was immediate family. He

called me after the fact & said, " Wife & I want the

washer/dryer - you can have the fridge... " There were

other things that he felt *entitled* to and took as

well. All without my inclusion or prior knowledge...

I could have cared less for the things! All I cared

about was my brother who passed!!! Gosh! Couldn't they

see what happened here? We just lost a 2nd brother to

AIDS! He died young and painfully... Where was their

grief for goodness sakes? They honed right in on the

stuff as if that was all that mattered...

I confronted him on his greed. His rationalization was

this, " I ran errands for him. I spent time and gas

money on these errands. Where were you? " Let's just

say I was busy surviving a high functioning BP

marriage... of which would sound like a feable excuse

to my brother so I didn't bother to devulge the gory

details.

To me, it appeared he did none of what he did out of

the goodness of his heart, but only b/c there was some

final compensation (and more to the point, actual

financial gain.)

To me, you don't do something for a dying loved one

b/c there's something financial to gain from it, you

do it b/c you love someone and you want their mind at

ease...

In the end the gifts I received I received from my

brother who passed surpassed my brothers financial

gains by far. I was left w/integrity and validation

from my dying brother... He waited for me to die

with... and that's something NO ONE can take from me!

Well, it's a New Year, out with the old and in with

the new... least I hope it's an attainable goal...

Cyndie

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

" He waited for me to die with ... and that's something NO ONE

can take from me! "

You made out like a bandit!

Cyndy

--- Cyndie McCoy wrote:

> Thank you Carol. It was refreshing to read your post,

> even it wasn't coming from my brother & SIL. It helps

> me to understand their perspective a little better. I

> do understand how they could rationalize that they

> could be more deserving than me d/t distortions, etc.

>

> However, I'm not entirely convinced that what they did

> wasn't based solely on greed either.

>

> When my eldest brother was dying, my surviving brother

> helped him handle final arrangements. He'd run errands

> for him. All of this was done on the premise that he

> would be compensated for it.

>

> After my brother passed, he took his entire family to

> my brothers home and went through his belongings. They

> each chose items they wanted to have. He put his wife

> & kids ahead of me and I was immediate family. He

> called me after the fact & said, " Wife & I want the

> washer/dryer - you can have the fridge... " There were

> other things that he felt *entitled* to and took as

> well. All without my inclusion or prior knowledge...

>

> I could have cared less for the things! All I cared

> about was my brother who passed!!! Gosh! Couldn't they

> see what happened here? We just lost a 2nd brother to

> AIDS! He died young and painfully... Where was their

> grief for goodness sakes? They honed right in on the

> stuff as if that was all that mattered...

>

> I confronted him on his greed. His rationalization was

> this, " I ran errands for him. I spent time and gas

> money on these errands. Where were you? " Let's just

> say I was busy surviving a high functioning BP

> marriage... of which would sound like a feable excuse

> to my brother so I didn't bother to devulge the gory

> details.

>

> To me, it appeared he did none of what he did out of

> the goodness of his heart, but only b/c there was some

> final compensation (and more to the point, actual

> financial gain.)

>

> To me, you don't do something for a dying loved one

> b/c there's something financial to gain from it, you

> do it b/c you love someone and you want their mind at

> ease...

>

> In the end the gifts I received I received from my

> brother who passed surpassed my brothers financial

> gains by far. I was left w/integrity and validation

> from my dying brother... He waited for me to die

> with... and that's something NO ONE can take from me!

>

> Well, it's a New Year, out with the old and in with

> the new... least I hope it's an attainable goal...

>

> Cyndie

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

See comments added below.

Cyndie McCoy wrote:

>

> Thank you Carol. It was refreshing to read your post,

> even it wasn't coming from my brother & SIL. It helps

> me to understand their perspective a little better. I

> do understand how they could rationalize that they

> could be more deserving than me d/t distortions, etc.

You're very welcome, Cyndie.

> He waited for me to die with... and that's something

> NO ONE can take from me!

Wow! What a gift, the best one of all!

You know, I think as we travel down the healing path, each in his/her

own way is learning that it isn't the " material " things in life that

matter, but the " soul " things.

This scourge of an experience with mother has been the most difficult

thing I've ever had to go through in my entire life, and I wouldn't wish

it on anyone. But, you know what? I wouldn't trade it for all of

mother's possessions, all of the oil in the bowels of the earth, and all

the gold in Fort Knox. Nope! The wisdom, knowledge and growth I've

gained from it is safely tucked under my belt now, and no one can take

it away, not even by the most cunning thief. It's a testament to where

I began, where I am now, and where I still strive to be before I

die.

It takes pressure to make diamonds!

Best wishes,

Carol