Guest guest Posted December 31, 2001 Report Share Posted December 31, 2001 I've been contemplating some possible New Year's resolutions over the past week. Besides the usual (eat more fruits & vegetables, and work out more regularly :-), I am thinking of changing just one bad habit (or getting rid of one flea?). Maybe put it on a sticky note on my mirror to remind me every day. I am considering the habit of defending myself. My family can be so subtle with the put downs (whether toward me or others), and I always get defensive, try to explain, justify, make excuses for others, etc. Maybe I should practice just letting the snide remarks fall right where they land. It would take enormous self control, but should get easier with practice. The other thing I'm considering is not engaging in any conversations about other people in the family, unless it is positive or neutral ( " we had a great time, " or " so-and-so is buying a new house " etc). For example, if my mom calls and attacks my son (to me) because he hasn't called her, I could cut it off and change the subject. As in, " If you have a problem with him, I think you should tell him directly. So, what's new in your neck of the woods? " I'm sick of hearing criticisms of people I love and trying to defend them. Or if she calls to say how hard my brother has it, and that b**tch of a wife of is, etc... I could say, " Well, that's their business, and I'm sure [bro & wife] will work things out. So what's new with you? " What do you all think? Are others making any creative New Year's resolutions? Kathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2001 Report Share Posted December 31, 2001 the talking in the family is one which I applaud my inlaws for modelling. It has carried the family through cancer and deaths and left room for healing and making things right on an individual basis. We've been left out of all the gyrations of my BILs marriages. They connect to their children as individuals and leave room for the boys to connect individually to each other. In my FOO the current problem is that most of them do not have individual relationships with me and so when the mobile gets hit, it tosses everyone out of whack. Nada holds the mobile. The two that I have individual relationships with stay steady in the wind. With the ones I trust, I call and contact them individually and I know in detail from speaking to them what is going on in their life. For the others, a report of what I am doing is what they seem to tolerate. They don't really miss me at all, but at the same time, can't live with the knowledge that I've left, or face the truth. anyway....I think that is a good resolution. One I will make is to try to be easy on myself and give myself room for error. And try not to react to stuff in a kneejerk way (which has usually meant in the past, interactions with the FOO). I am pretty level headed when it comes to my own life. Also to have more fun. Katheen > I've been contemplating some possible New Year's resolutions over the > past week. Besides the usual (eat more fruits & vegetables, and work > out more regularly :-), I am thinking of changing just one bad habit (or > getting rid of one flea?). Maybe put it on a sticky note on my mirror to > remind me every day. I am considering the habit of defending myself. My > family can be so subtle with the put downs (whether toward me or > others), and I always get defensive, try to explain, justify, make > excuses for others, etc. Maybe I should practice just letting the snide > remarks fall right where they land. It would take enormous self control, > but should get easier with practice. > > The other thing I'm considering is not engaging in any conversations > about other people in the family, unless it is positive or neutral ( " we > had a great time, " or " so-and-so is buying a new house " etc). For > example, if my mom calls and attacks my son (to me) because he hasn't > called her, I could cut it off and change the subject. As in, " If you > have a problem with him, I think you should tell him directly. So, > what's new in your neck of the woods? " I'm sick of hearing criticisms of > people I love and trying to defend them. Or if she calls to say how hard > my brother has it, and that b**tch of a wife of is, etc... I could say, > " Well, that's their business, and I'm sure [bro & wife] will work things > out. So what's new with you? " > > What do you all think? Are others making any creative New Year's > resolutions? > > Kathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2001 Report Share Posted December 31, 2001 Good Grief Kathy! Kathy wrote: For example, if my mom calls and attacks my son (to me) because he hasn't called her, I could cut it off and change the subject. As in, " If you have a problem with him, I think you should tell him directly. So, what's new in your neck of the woods? " I'm sick of hearing criticisms of people I love and trying to defend them. Or if she calls to say how hard my brother has it, and that b**tch of a wife of is, etc... I could say, " Well, that's their business, and I'm sure [bro & wife] will work things out. So what's new with you? " What you wrote sounds just like my mother! Christmas was awful with mother and sister because they decided to trash my son. My mother has never once been grandmotherly with him. Always an excuse - " I had chronic fatigue syndrome for ten years " " I was married to that abusive alcoholic " , etc. My mother and sister spend most of their time demonizing me and others. They don't leave the house and live vicariously thorugh TV, internet etc. I have a more than full time job, a house to take care of, pets, etc. plus I'm involved with church and other things. I'm the devil because I don't go and " help them out. " I guess part of the illness is being very critical of others. Barbara __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2001 Report Share Posted December 31, 2001 > I guess part of the illness is being very critical of > others. > > Barbara > Actually that is exactly how it is, unless there is hoovering going on..... Kathleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2001 Report Share Posted December 31, 2001 not to disregard Rita's progress in her situation....but in my situation with nada, the criticism and invalidation and minimizing was constant. She turned sweety pie if she wanted ice cream or a trip to the market. Even turned sweetie pie after the blow up, with steel needles eyes smoldering. Ick.But that was to try to get a ride to the airport. Kathleen > > > I guess part of the illness is being very critical of > > others. > > > > Barbara > > > Actually that is exactly how it is, unless there is hoovering going > on..... > > Kathleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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