Word Waffles

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Word Waffles

Incompatibility is just a lack of communication. If we only try to

love the way we want to be loved, we are in trouble. Unless you

communicate, it's difficult to know how to love another person.

~ Dr. Lowery ~

As you enjoy today's special, discover how powerful words are; how

saying and understanding them are often taken for granted. Since

words are the major communication tool we have, learn to make sure

you express and interpret them caringly. Learn to not make others

take responsibility for understanding what you mean. After all,

isn't the biggest complaint in relationships centered on lack of

communication, lack of understanding and miscommunication? Forget

the Mars and Venus stuff - that just gave us " excuses " for not

taking responsibility for our own communication.it's time to belly

up to the waffle bar and clear up this whole communication thing.

you'll find it's a lot less complicated than you think.

Let's Play Word Association

Ever notice how words are more highly " charged " in relationships? We

hang on every word. We spend inordinate amounts of time analyzing

their inference using our perceptions to fit our partner's meaning

into our personal dictionary.only to find that sometimes we have

to " eat our words " !!! Ponder this.I bet you don't have the

communication issues in your job that you have in your

relationships? Why? Because you're likely more mindful of your

professional communication than your relationship communication.

Because you're likely more fearful of losing your job than you are

of losing your partner. Because you likely " expect " your partner to

understand what you mean yet you don't have that expectation of your

co-workers. Isn't this a little backwards?!?!? (We'll digest more of

this in future columns: Expectation Espresso and Priority Pancakes).

For now, let's chomp on Word Waffles.

So, there the two of you are...you'd swear English was both your

native tongues, yet suddenly you're frustrated because your partner

obviously has no clue what you're saying and you're convinced that

he/she is speaking some unidentifiable foreign language. What's up

with that???

Remember word association. someone says a word and you respond with

the first thing that comes to mind? Oddly enough, we all

subconsciously play that game every time we participate in

conversation. It's a double-edged sword 'cause not only have we

stopped listening, we're playing mental and emotional word

association inserting OUR definitions and not THEIR meaning.

Let's try it. I'll toss out the word " love " . STOP!!! What came to

mind the instant you read the word " love " ? Hand this column to

someone and ask them to do the same thing. Now chat amongst

yourselves and share each other's " associations " . Did they match?

I'm guessin' maybe a little, but nah-so-much.

Why do we do this? How can we assure our words are not waffled? How

can we carefully choose words to communicate our real message? How

can we make certain we understand our partner's " word waffles " so we

hear what's meant without infusing our word associations?

While we all know dictionary definitions, we've also had a lifetime

of experiences where words were involved and words evoke reactions -

particularly " relationship " words like romance, sex, love, caring,

understanding. Some experiences were positive, some negative. It's

the negative ones that cause " word waffles " . go figure!!!

Stick & Stones May. Well, You Know the Rest

Remember " sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never

hurt me " ? They lied!!! Actually words can hurt more 'cause the scars

don't completely heal - we can't see 'em; but we sure can

feel 'em!!! We ALL have " word " scars, we just don't realize that

shrapnel is hanging around and words re-open the wounds.

Upon hearing some words we subconsciously attach our experiences and

perceptions; then our " association " becomes our definition - likely

not the same definition of our partner.our " definition " is a combo-

platter of the dictionary definition, our experiences and

perceptions. These words become our " triggers " . The word

itself " triggers " our subconscious memory of experiences and

perceptions and we react with associated past feelings, which then

shape our thoughts, attitudes, and actions toward the person who

communicated the word. Pretty convoluted, huh?

Here's where it gets really " waffled " . Your partner is doing the

same thing while subconsciously choosing the word and consciously

speaking it - " associating " his/her " definition " to communicate the

word. What if, to you the word has negative connotations while to

your partner it's all positive? Houston, we have a problem!!!

For me, one " trigger " is " I Love You " . Important folks in my life

have said " I Love You " and ultimately broke my heart. Therefore

later in life I subconsciously " cringed " when someone said " I Love

You " only because experience taught me when someone said " I Love

You " they'd soon break my heart.

How unfair is that? I cringe when a man says " I Love You " and

because of my past experiences with people he hasn't met and likely

never will - I proceed to make his breaking my heart a self-

fulfilling prophecy!!! Talk about relationship ending behavior, huh?

I had to eat lots of waffles to realize that a current partner is

not those other people. I had to learn to reprogram my feelings and

attitudes towards hearing those words.

Wanna know how? You each gotta do some soul-searching to identify

your " triggers " , where they come from and why - realize that

sometimes words are used as and " trigger " defense mechanisms. Learn

to " own " your " triggers " and not project them onto the person you're

in or want to be in a relationship with. Then when you hear

the " trigger " .you clarify.with yourself and with your partner to

assure you truly understand each other. Yeah - it'll feel silly at

first, but soon you'll be slapping your head in that " I coulda had a

V8 " fashion - not to mention the stress release and extra time

you'll have for fun 'cause you don't have to be an interpreter

anymore.

Sweeten Your Waffles.

Clarification is the syrup that envelops the waffle with sweetness

making it more appetizing; giving it gusto and passion.just like we

crave in our relationships. As the syrup settles in, open your

personal dictionaries and translate your foreign languages to a

common English base each and both can understand. The really cool

thing is - as you're doing this, you're learning about each other's

experiences and perspectives, hearing each other's words with each

other's definition instead of attaching yours. You're creating an

intimately loving emotional bond.

Without clarification, the syrup sits on the waffle and gets so

gooey that not only do you not wanna take a bite; you can't stand to

even look at the waffle anymore. Dang, that bites!!! Now you gotta

order a whole new waffle and start all over again when, at one time,

you had a perfectly good waffle right there in front of you!!!

Many a relationship has ended due to soggy waffles that lead to

misunderstandings - NOT miscommunication. VERY, VERY different.

Miscommunication is inappropriate use of a word for the message.

Misunderstanding is an inaccurate interpretation of the perspective

from which the word is communicated. If you were to ask, your

partner would likely tell you that you misunderstood what was

said!!! Sound familiar? All the while it was a misunderstanding of

each other's dictionary when clarification and " communication "

could've cleared the whole thing up!!!

See how this can make all the difference? The real kicker is to not

embark on a mission of making your partner " agree " with your

definition or perception. It's not about agreeing- sharing and

clarifying very simply means we learn to understand ourselves and

each other. Don't we all want to be understood? Isn't that the

ultimate goal of a relationship.to be with someone who intimately

understands?!?!?

In the " words " of an old Bee Gees song. " it's only words, and words

are all I have, to take your heart away " . so say 'em and hear 'em

exactly as they're meant.take personal responsibility for

thoughtfully choosing your and interpreting each others' words.let

your words be your love and keys to each others' hearts.

And Now, Dessert. Waffle Wordbook

Create a Waffle Wordbook with words that " trigger " experiences where

you may be unfairly projecting your reactions onto your partner.

For each word, write the experience, how it makes you feel, and your

definition.

Make a date for a candlelight Word Waffle breakfast with your

partner.

Verbally share your Waffle Wordbooks with an open, loving and

empathetic heart. Remember to clarify!!!

Laugh and hug a lot - have fun learning about each other while

deepening your bond!!

Word Waffle Romantic Tips

Serve your Word Waffle breakfast in bed using your finest china and

crystal.

Create a dictionary / thesaurus to describe your partner. Use words

like: divine, alluring, exquisite, marvelous, magnificent, charming,

enticing...be creative in how you share these with your partner!!!

Shari Moss is a spiritually and metaphysically oriented author

residing in Atlanta, Ga. As previous owner of a metaphysical shop,

aptly named Synchronicity, and 23-year Corporate America veteran;

she combines life experience, humor, and metaphysical concepts into

all she writes. Her first book, Couples Café: Where Couples Go to be

Devoured by Love, will be released in early 2004. She is also the

Couples Café columnist for the Blue Ridge Tribune, Skyline Magazine

(not the airline) and has been published on the Conscious Creation

and QuadQuadium websites. Shari is also finishing up her

certification to be a Couples, Marital, Family Counselor.

*¸..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:- ~ @love, Jolene....

¸.·´ .·´¨¨)) ~a seeker... a finder...an encourager~

((¸¸.·´ ..·´ -:¦:-

-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´ * If it doesn't bring peace, make another

choice