Please help

[Guest guest]

Hi Jammifer...

If you cannot handle seeing nada, then don't. Find the time that nada

won't be there and go if you want to.

I didn't go to my own sister's funeral and I was handed lots of guilt

sandwiches. Only go if you can handle it. You can also send flowers,

have prayers offered, all sorts of things.

But you don't have to see nada if you don't want to.

Kathleen

-- In ModOasis@y..., " jammifer2002 " <jammifer2002@y...> wrote:

> I just got two inappropriate messages from nada telling me that my

> childhood friend's father was killed in an accident last night. For

> the sake of this message, I will refer to my friend as Kay. I've

> known Kay since we were both four years old. We lived in the same

> neighborhood and were like sisters from age four all the way

through

> high school. When I went away to college, we grew apart. We talk

> from time to time and even though I don't see her very often, she

is

> still special to me.

>

> I can't stop crying now. I feel so sad that Kay's lost her father,

> who was a wonderful man. I am also so angry at the messages my nada

> left. She started it by saying, " Hi, it's mom. I hate to give you

> bad news, but I have more bad news... " She is so full of it - she

> loves to give bad news and she loves to report that someone has

> died. It's the only time she calls. I am so mad that this news came

> from her and not from my friend. Nada just had to be the one to

tell

> me. And she also had to tell me that she was getting ready to leave

> to go Kay's mother's house (to be the big hero, of course). Nada

> lives an hour away from there. Nada was so dramatic on her message,

> telling me how he died, how devestated Kay is, and how she (nada)

> cried and cried. Then she called back and left a 2nd message

> saying, " Hi, it's mom. I just left you a message but I'm so shook

up

> I don't even remember what I said. " Then she proceeded to tell me

> the whole thing again with more detail about how he died. I think

> she was trying to see if she hooked me with the first message

enough

> to get me to pick up for the 2nd.

>

> I don't know what to do. I called Kay to tell her how sorry I am.

> She was crying. She told me that my nada was coming over. I told

her

> I'd like to attend the service and she said she would call me

> tomorrow with the details. She had to go because they are preparing

> the house for family who are coming in from overseas.

>

> I know this is going to sound very selfish, but all I keep thinking

> is how am I going to go and be there with my friend when nada is

> going to be there. I am so upset right now. I know if nada were not

> in the picture, I would go to be with my friend. Maybe not tonight,

> but definitely for the viewing. Now I don't know what to do. I keep

> playing a tape in my head that says, " you are so selfish that you

> are considering not going to be with your friend just because you

> will be a little uncomfortable. "

>

> I hate nada for this. She somehow always finds a way to get to me.

I

> am going to go out for a few hours to clear my head. I am in a

major

> FOG.

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I think you did plenty when you called your friend. You can go visit

her when you want to - it doesn't have to be right now or when nada is around to

mess things up.

Hugs,

Ilene

[Guest guest]

I am very sorry about your friends father.

I almost didn't attend my own fathers funeral because of my mother and now I am

so thankful that I went.

Here is my story and I really hope it helps you:

My mother called my husband and I while we were on the road traveling back to

Florida from OHio. We left Florida because of a hurricane and there was a

massive evacuation, we went to Ohio and I saw my father he was really sick.

We were only an hour from our destination after traveling for 2 days from the

evacuation when my mother called and said they didn't think my dad was going to

make it. She tried to make me feel guilty by saying " don't you feel guilty,

you left knowing your dad was very sick " We decided that my husband would

show up to work the next morining and ask for time off because of my dad.

The next morning my husband went to work and signed his paperwork for leave to

go back to Ohio so I could see my dad. We were on the road around Atlanta and

my sister called and told me that my mother didn't want me there. I was

driving and trying to talk while our cell phone kept breaking up. We pulled

over and I called them back. She said my mom didn't want me there. All I

could do was sit there, I hung onto the steering wheel and my hands started to

get red. My son was in the back seat and he was taking all of this in.

I started pounding on the steering wheel, I couldn't stop! My son got really

scared and my husband was trying to calm me down. I got even more mad. I

started screaming and I got out of the car and started banging on the side of

the car. I could see my son sitting inside crying. I yelled so loud " I hate my

mother " I kept banging and my husband was trying to calm me down. My son was

just sitting in the back seat crying.

I told my husband we aren't going. He said " no we are going, don't let your

feelings for your mother take this time to say goodbye to your father away from

you " I was so sick. I HATED my mother! Our cell phone kept ringing and

ringing it wouldn't stop. We decided we were not going to answer it. I didn't

want to go to my dads funeral because I didn't want to be there with my mother.

My feelings were so sick towards my mother I was letting that control me.

My husband told me we are going there and we are going to say goodbye to your

father and we are going to hold our head high and ignore all of the comments.

This was for my father. As much as he told me this I didn't want to go. I

also knew that my moms side of the family gangs up on someone at funerals and it

was my turn to take the heat.

My husband and I showed up at the funeral home the next day. We walked in with

our heads held high and I walked up to my dads casket. My mother was standing

there and she looked at me and said " your dad was so disappointed in you! "

Oh, I wanted her in that casket so bad I thought if she keeps up this is going

to be a double funeral!!! Of course my moms sister and my sister and her

husband was standing there glaring at me. I just looked at my father and I

felt the biggest sense of relief for him. I felt calm and peaceful. The

whole time they glared and talked about me to other people.

I was there for my dad!! My mother wasn't going to take that from me. She has

taken many things from me but I wasn't going to let myself get cheated out of

saying goodbye to my dad because of how I felt for her.

I know the last thing you feel like reading stories but because I didn't want to

deal or be around my mother I almost didn't go to my dads funeral. I would be

feeling worse to this day had I not gone.

Be strong for your friend, right now nothing your mother says or does should let

it stand in your way to comfort your friend. Don't let her have that power,

you have the power.

take care and I hope this helps,

Aimee

---------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing this story Aimee. I appreciate it and it does

help. Tonight (after 10:30) my dad left me a nasty message. He had

an attitude and was saying how he doesn't understand why I don't

return his calls and that he is starting to get concerned. He said

he doesn't know what he did to me for me to be ignoring his calls.

Does he think I'm that stupid???? I know why he called and I know

who put him up to it. I am so sick of this. I am so sick of giving

them the power to hurt me. I thought about your story about you not

answering the door when your mother was ringing the bell like crazy.

I've drawn all the shades and I'm unplugging the phone when I get

off of the computer. If they come here (I know that probably won't

happen, but my mind is racing), I will call the police.

>

> I am very sorry about your friends father.

>

> I almost didn't attend my own fathers funeral because of my mother

and now I am so thankful that I went.

>

> Here is my story and I really hope it helps you:

>

> My mother called my husband and I while we were on the road

traveling back to Florida from OHio. We left Florida because of a

hurricane and there was a massive evacuation, we went to Ohio and I

saw my father he was really sick.

>

> We were only an hour from our destination after traveling for 2

days from the evacuation when my mother called and said they didn't

think my dad was going to make it. She tried to make me feel

guilty by saying " don't you feel guilty, you left knowing your dad

was very sick " We decided that my husband would show up to work

the next morining and ask for time off because of my dad.

>

> The next morning my husband went to work and signed his paperwork

for leave to go back to Ohio so I could see my dad. We were on the

road around Atlanta and my sister called and told me that my mother

didn't want me there. I was driving and trying to talk while our

cell phone kept breaking up. We pulled over and I called them

back. She said my mom didn't want me there. All I could do was

sit there, I hung onto the steering wheel and my hands started to

get red. My son was in the back seat and he was taking all of this

in.

>

> I started pounding on the steering wheel, I couldn't stop! My son

got really scared and my husband was trying to calm me down. I got

even more mad. I started screaming and I got out of the car and

started banging on the side of the car. I could see my son sitting

inside crying. I yelled so loud " I hate my mother " I kept banging

and my husband was trying to calm me down. My son was just sitting

in the back seat crying.

>

> I told my husband we aren't going. He said " no we are going,

don't let your feelings for your mother take this time to say

goodbye to your father away from you " I was so sick. I HATED

my mother! Our cell phone kept ringing and ringing it wouldn't

stop. We decided we were not going to answer it. I didn't want to

go to my dads funeral because I didn't want to be there with my

mother. My feelings were so sick towards my mother I was letting

that control me.

>

> My husband told me we are going there and we are going to say

goodbye to your father and we are going to hold our head high and

ignore all of the comments. This was for my father. As much as

he told me this I didn't want to go. I also knew that my moms

side of the family gangs up on someone at funerals and it was my

turn to take the heat.

>

> My husband and I showed up at the funeral home the next day. We

walked in with our heads held high and I walked up to my dads

casket. My mother was standing there and she looked at me and

said " your dad was so disappointed in you! " Oh, I wanted her

in that casket so bad I thought if she keeps up this is going to be

a double funeral!!! Of course my moms sister and my sister and

her husband was standing there glaring at me. I just looked at my

father and I felt the biggest sense of relief for him. I felt calm

and peaceful. The whole time they glared and talked about me to

other people.

>

> I was there for my dad!! My mother wasn't going to take that

from me. She has taken many things from me but I wasn't going to

let myself get cheated out of saying goodbye to my dad because of

how I felt for her.

>

> I know the last thing you feel like reading stories but because I

didn't want to deal or be around my mother I almost didn't go to my

dads funeral. I would be feeling worse to this day had I not gone.

>

> Be strong for your friend, right now nothing your mother says or

does should let it stand in your way to comfort your friend. Don't

let her have that power, you have the power.

>

> take care and I hope this helps,

>

> Aimee

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Kathleen. The guilt sandwiches made me laugh. Thank you for

your other ideas. It helps me to think about all of the different

ways that I can handle this.

> > I just got two inappropriate messages from nada telling me that

my

> > childhood friend's father was killed in an accident last night.

For

> > the sake of this message, I will refer to my friend as Kay. I've

> > known Kay since we were both four years old. We lived in the

same

> > neighborhood and were like sisters from age four all the way

> through

> > high school. When I went away to college, we grew apart. We talk

> > from time to time and even though I don't see her very often,

she

> is

> > still special to me.

> >

> > I can't stop crying now. I feel so sad that Kay's lost her

father,

> > who was a wonderful man. I am also so angry at the messages my

nada

> > left. She started it by saying, " Hi, it's mom. I hate to give

you

> > bad news, but I have more bad news... " She is so full of it -

she

> > loves to give bad news and she loves to report that someone has

> > died. It's the only time she calls. I am so mad that this news

came

> > from her and not from my friend. Nada just had to be the one to

> tell

> > me. And she also had to tell me that she was getting ready to

leave

> > to go Kay's mother's house (to be the big hero, of course). Nada

> > lives an hour away from there. Nada was so dramatic on her

message,

> > telling me how he died, how devestated Kay is, and how she

(nada)

> > cried and cried. Then she called back and left a 2nd message

> > saying, " Hi, it's mom. I just left you a message but I'm so

shook

> up

> > I don't even remember what I said. " Then she proceeded to tell

me

> > the whole thing again with more detail about how he died. I

think

> > she was trying to see if she hooked me with the first message

> enough

> > to get me to pick up for the 2nd.

> >

> > I don't know what to do. I called Kay to tell her how sorry I

am.

> > She was crying. She told me that my nada was coming over. I told

> her

> > I'd like to attend the service and she said she would call me

> > tomorrow with the details. She had to go because they are

preparing

> > the house for family who are coming in from overseas.

> >

> > I know this is going to sound very selfish, but all I keep

thinking

> > is how am I going to go and be there with my friend when nada is

> > going to be there. I am so upset right now. I know if nada were

not

> > in the picture, I would go to be with my friend. Maybe not

tonight,

> > but definitely for the viewing. Now I don't know what to do. I

keep

> > playing a tape in my head that says, " you are so selfish that

you

> > are considering not going to be with your friend just because

you

> > will be a little uncomfortable. "

> >

> > I hate nada for this. She somehow always finds a way to get to

me.

> I

> > am going to go out for a few hours to clear my head. I am in a

> major

> > FOG.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Ilene. I am going to give all of the options some thought

and then decide once I am not so tired and angry. I also have the

shakes right now because of my dad's message.

>

>

> , I think you did plenty when you called your friend. You

can go visit

> her when you want to - it doesn't have to be right now or when

nada is around to

> mess things up.

>

> Hugs,

> Ilene

[Guest guest]

Remember .....no abuse. That is why I got a new phone

number and sometimes I turn the answering machine off so I let

it ring forever. I won't pick up the phone, and if it is coming from a

certain number, I will opt not to even hear the voice.

They have no rights over us. Only love is the reason to maintain

blood relationaships. Healthy love.

Stay strong....and keep posting. You can do it.

Kathleen

> >

> > I am very sorry about your friends father.

> >

> > I almost didn't attend my own fathers funeral because of my

mother

> and now I am so thankful that I went.

> >

> > Here is my story and I really hope it helps you:

> >

> > My mother called my husband and I while we were on the

road

> traveling back to Florida from OHio. We left Florida because of

a

> hurricane and there was a massive evacuation, we went to

Ohio and I

> saw my father he was really sick.

> >

> > We were only an hour from our destination after traveling for

2

> days from the evacuation when my mother called and said they

didn't

> think my dad was going to make it. She tried to make me feel

> guilty by saying " don't you feel guilty, you left knowing your dad

> was very sick " We decided that my husband would show up

to work

> the next morining and ask for time off because of my dad.

> >

> > The next morning my husband went to work and signed his

paperwork

> for leave to go back to Ohio so I could see my dad. We were

on the

> road around Atlanta and my sister called and told me that my

mother

> didn't want me there. I was driving and trying to talk while our

> cell phone kept breaking up. We pulled over and I called them

> back. She said my mom didn't want me there. All I could do

was

> sit there, I hung onto the steering wheel and my hands started

to

> get red. My son was in the back seat and he was taking all of

this

> in.

> >

> > I started pounding on the steering wheel, I couldn't stop! My

son

> got really scared and my husband was trying to calm me down.

I got

> even more mad. I started screaming and I got out of the car

and

> started banging on the side of the car. I could see my son

sitting

> inside crying. I yelled so loud " I hate my mother " I kept

banging

> and my husband was trying to calm me down. My son was just

sitting

> in the back seat crying.

> >

> > I told my husband we aren't going. He said " no we are

going,

> don't let your feelings for your mother take this time to say

> goodbye to your father away from you " I was so sick. I

HATED

> my mother! Our cell phone kept ringing and ringing it wouldn't

> stop. We decided we were not going to answer it. I didn't want

to

> go to my dads funeral because I didn't want to be there with my

> mother. My feelings were so sick towards my mother I was

letting

> that control me.

> >

> > My husband told me we are going there and we are going to

say

> goodbye to your father and we are going to hold our head high

and

> ignore all of the comments. This was for my father. As much

as

> he told me this I didn't want to go. I also knew that my moms

> side of the family gangs up on someone at funerals and it was

my

> turn to take the heat.

> >

> > My husband and I showed up at the funeral home the next

day. We

> walked in with our heads held high and I walked up to my dads

> casket. My mother was standing there and she looked at me

and

> said " your dad was so disappointed in you! " Oh, I wanted

her

> in that casket so bad I thought if she keeps up this is going to

be

> a double funeral!!! Of course my moms sister and my sister

and

> her husband was standing there glaring at me. I just looked

at my

> father and I felt the biggest sense of relief for him. I felt calm

> and peaceful. The whole time they glared and talked about

me to

> other people.

> >

> > I was there for my dad!! My mother wasn't going to take that

> from me. She has taken many things from me but I wasn't

going to

> let myself get cheated out of saying goodbye to my dad

because of

> how I felt for her.

> >

> > I know the last thing you feel like reading stories but because

I

> didn't want to deal or be around my mother I almost didn't go to

my

> dads funeral. I would be feeling worse to this day had I not

gone.

> >

> > Be strong for your friend, right now nothing your mother says

or

> does should let it stand in your way to comfort your friend.

Don't

> let her have that power, you have the power.

> >

> > take care and I hope this helps,

> >

> > Aimee

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> >

[Guest guest]

.........

The most difficult time for the bereaved usually isn't when all the

family is there with tons of support, but afterwards, when everyone's

gone. I think Kay would be delighted to have your company after

everyone's gone, including nada.

Smiles!

Carol

jammifer2002 wrote:

> I know this is going to sound very selfish, but all I keep thinking

> is how am I going to go and be there with my friend when nada is

> going to be there. I am so upset right now. I know if nada were not

> in the picture, I would go to be with my friend. Maybe not tonight,

> but definitely for the viewing. Now I don't know what to do. I keep

> playing a tape in my head that says, " you are so selfish that you

> are considering not going to be with your friend just because you

> will be a little uncomfortable. "

[Guest guest]

Thank you, I thought about this too, but then of course I thought

maybe it was just my way of rationalizing so that I can take the

easy way out. It is good to hear that you thought of it as an option

too. I could definitely be a better support for her if there is no

nada around.

>

> > I know this is going to sound very selfish, but all I keep

thinking

> > is how am I going to go and be there with my friend when nada is

> > going to be there. I am so upset right now. I know if nada were

not

> > in the picture, I would go to be with my friend. Maybe not

tonight,

> > but definitely for the viewing. Now I don't know what to do. I

keep

> > playing a tape in my head that says, " you are so selfish that you

> > are considering not going to be with your friend just because you

> > will be a little uncomfortable. "

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Kathleen. The encouragement really helps. I unplugged

both phones last night. I still had trouble sleeping and I was sick

to my stomach all night, but at least it wasn't made worse by a

phone ringing off the hook.

I'm not sure what to do about my father's phone call. I've been

ignoring him, but his message last night was so scary. I was afraid

he would drive up here. I'm not sure whether to call him to tell him

to leave me alone, or to just let it go. I know if I call, I am

rewarding the bad behavior, but I'm afraid if I don't, that he will

keep calling and harrassing. I just really want them to both leave

me alone.

> Remember .....no abuse. That is why I got a new phone

> number and sometimes I turn the answering machine off so I let

> it ring forever. I won't pick up the phone, and if it is coming

from a

> certain number, I will opt not to even hear the voice.

>

> They have no rights over us. Only love is the reason to maintain

> blood relationaships. Healthy love.

>

> Stay strong....and keep posting. You can do it.

>

> Kathleen

>

> --- In ModOasis@y..., " jammifer2002 " <jammifer2002@y...>

[Guest guest]

, if you can hang strong, the calls will diminish. Nadas and fadas are

big boundary violators and they'll try everything to get through the walls you

build. Ignore them. You were right about rewarding them by answering - I

wouldn't do it. If you plan to separate from them, then stay separate!

Ilene

[Guest guest]

That is a good point. I think when they begin a calling frenzy, I

feel like it will never end. Thanks for the reminder that it will

diminish. They are just trying to break me down so they can " get in. "

I make the mistake of thinking that my dad is calling because he

cares. Ha! I should know better by now. If he cared about me, he

would not try to trick me into becoming his nada shield.

>

>

> , if you can hang strong, the calls will diminish. Nadas

and fadas are

> big boundary violators and they'll try everything to get through

the walls you

> build. Ignore them. You were right about rewarding them by

answering - I

> wouldn't do it. If you plan to separate from them, then stay

separate!

>

> Ilene

[Guest guest]

Hi ...

I had a really scary father too. When the time finally comes when

the break is made, there is usually a corresponding toxic

backlash. In Toxic Parents the author says to strap oneself to a

mast because its going to be a rough ride.

It is important to maintain the lockout so that the nadafada bunch

is unsuccessful in their attempt to knock open the gates.

Since you are of legal age, too bad if your parents want to see

you. They legally cannot force it.

But it can be done. I've done the gate shutting and I never thought

I could.

Kathleen

[Guest guest]

You're welcome, ! It's a WIN-WIN situation all the way around,

except for nada, and who cares about her anyhow?

Smiles!

Carol M

wrote:

> Thank you, I thought about this too, but then of course I thought

> maybe it was just my way of rationalizing so that I can take the

> easy way out. It is good to hear that you thought of it as an option

> too. I could definitely be a better support for her if there is no

> nada around.

Carol M wrote:

> The most difficult time for the bereaved usually isn't when

> all the family is there with tons of support, but afterwards,

> when everyone's gone. I think Kay would be delighted to have

> your company after everyone's gone, including nada.

[Guest guest]

My son has had a really difficult last several days. He's been defiant and

aggressive where, while we've never gotten it completely under control, we

had made good progress. The only connection/change I can see is that he is

coughing a lot when he lies down at night to go to bed. It's a real

phlegm-like cough. Also, he's had a hard time going to bed again. We've

had to go back to giving melatonin where we hadn't given it in over a month.

And he woke up this morning at 4:30! Ugggh!

We started the diet about 2-3 months ago and we're doing pretty well now

that I've found out many of the hidden sources of gluten and casein. He's

on Carbatrol and Lamictal for a seizure disorder, however we should be

dropping the Carbatrol soon. He also takes DHA, PediaNutrients, M12 Brain

drops, and CarniClear drops. We also use digestive enzymes.

TIA,

In raising my children I have lost my mind but found my soul. -

Shepherd

[Guest guest]

Have you checked to see if he has asthma?That sounds like my daughter normally

the cough is alot worse at night and sometimes only at night. Just my 2 cents.

Dee Mom to 2.

" H. " wrote: My son has had a really

difficult last several days. He's been defiant and

aggressive where, while we've never gotten it completely under control, we

had made good progress. The only connection/change I can see is that he is

coughing a lot when he lies down at night to go to bed. It's a real

phlegm-like cough. Also, he's had a hard time going to bed again. We've

had to go back to giving melatonin where we hadn't given it in over a month.

And he woke up this morning at 4:30! Ugggh!

We started the diet about 2-3 months ago and we're doing pretty well now

that I've found out many of the hidden sources of gluten and casein. He's

on Carbatrol and Lamictal for a seizure disorder, however we should be

dropping the Carbatrol soon. He also takes DHA, PediaNutrients, M12 Brain

drops, and CarniClear drops. We also use digestive enzymes.

TIA,

In raising my children I have lost my mind but found my soul. -

Shepherd