Re: Marriage falling apart over Dignosis?!

[Guest guest]

I first started suffering from RA when I was 46 and the beginning well-to-do

husband and father. Well, things change daily when you're battling RA and

life at the same time. Now, I've disposed of many heirlooms, retirement

plans, pride, friends, and many other tangible items. I even had trouble

with my wife for a while because I was still the same person but wouldn't do

things I used to do, wanting her to do them for me. I also told her she

would have to go to work so we could eat. Until then, she worked part-time

when we needed something important or that she personally wanted. Now it was

for real, and she didn't understand even though she kept the books for the

family. It took a couple of years to accept the facts, and another few years

learning that it was to be this way. Our love was so strong otherwise that

it held us together and actually made us stronger. BTDT!

I don't know if you will have that luck, but it does take that much

understanding and caring. Sudden changes are hard for anyone to accept and

often lead to depression, which it sounds like both of you are suffering. If

you can, both of you go to a doctor or councilor to talk about this and get

it under control as soon as you can. You and he will be better for it. We

will pray for you both.

Dennis

[ ] Marriage falling apart over Dignosis?!

> For the first time in over 2 years I am starting to feel like myself

> again. But as a lot of you know this disease seems to bring on many

> other health issues as well. Along with my RA and Lupus, I also have

> mononeuropathy multiplex which cause my legs to loose feeling and I

> have to sit immediately or I fall and foot drop. I also have

> vasculitis from the lupus and I have severe iron defficient aneamia.

> At first my husband was very supportive and excited that we were

> finally getiing some answers. Then he started to become distant and I

> just thought maybe this was his way of dealing. He didn't want to

> hear anything the doctors had to say and I just thought that he was

> having a hard time watching me be sick, taking soooo many medications

> and adjusting to them. But now he won't talk to me at all. I try to

> talk to him but he flat out ignores me. I can tell he feels annoyed

> and frustrated because I can't do the things that I used to be able

> to. I can't stay out in the sun, I can't drink anymore so I don't

> feel like going out. Has anyone else had problems because of their

> illnesses. I am tired of trying to make things better with him and

> work on getiing better myself mentally and physically. Any

> suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He is my highschool

> sweatheart and I love him very much. We have been married 8 years and

> we are both 26 and I am starting to feel like all this is too much for

> him to handle, not me. Best wishes to all of you and sorry about the

> long post. Holly

[Guest guest]

Hi Holly!

I had to giggle about the post because it probably reads like a typical married

couple's life. You both got married young and had a major bomb laid on you. I

started dating my husband when I was 16, married him at 19, and developed RA at

20. You are use to each other being a certain way and it just all collapses.

Of course when my hubby was diagnosed with MS in 2000 I was, and still am, an

annoyance by asking him tons of questions when he is quiet. " Something wrong

with your eye? " , " Any numbies in your hands? " and I will continue going down a

list of ailments I have ever known him to have. The BOTH of our worlds were

turned upside down when our son was diagnosed with Juvie Diabetes in November.

It is bad enough having a 10 year old, with all the attitude and bumps and

bruises they get. Now we had to worry about him slipping into diabetic comas if

his blood sugar goes too low in his sleep or if he is out with friends...because

you ahve to let them go out and be 10. These diseases just drain the life out

of you. However when we met we were perfectly healthy, not knowing that before

too long we all would have some autoimmune mess.

My first instinct when I first read your email was wondering if there might be

other issues with him. Some spouses do shut down because they cannot deal well

with the situation. Some spouses shut down because they no longer want to deal

with the situation. Not saying it is one or the other...just throwing that out

there.

What you should take stock of is what he needs and expects out of you and see

what you would need out of him. Sometimes we get uptight and need to vent,

being too sensitive. But sometimes when we vent there is a serious need to

address the problem. None of us can really provide the answer for you, since it

is all so personal and subjective.

However if he is expecting you to be the same person you were when you were 18,

RA, Lupus and MNM aside, someone needs a wake up call. Diseases aside, at some

point we all grow up, lose interest in a particular lifestyle or hobby we once

had. From the time I was 16 to about 27 I had been to over 1000 concerts. I

haven't been to one in 3 1/2 years. It was a major part of my life that defined

me, but no longer does. Sometimes we go one way and our spouse goes the other

way. It happens. But ultimately it is you that has to decide how to approach

and deal with it.

However I am sorry you are going through this...your illnesses and the problem

with your spouse.

Shandi

[ ] Marriage falling apart over Dignosis?!

For the first time in over 2 years I am starting to feel like myself

again. But as a lot of you know this disease seems to bring on many

other health issues as well. Along with my RA and Lupus, I also have

mononeuropathy multiplex which cause my legs to loose feeling and I

have to sit immediately or I fall and foot drop. I also have

vasculitis from the lupus and I have severe iron defficient aneamia.

At first my husband was very supportive and excited that we were

finally getiing some answers. Then he started to become distant and I

just thought maybe this was his way of dealing. He didn't want to

hear anything the doctors had to say and I just thought that he was

having a hard time watching me be sick, taking soooo many medications

and adjusting to them. But now he won't talk to me at all. I try to

talk to him but he flat out ignores me. I can tell he feels annoyed

and frustrated because I can't do the things that I used to be able

to. I can't stay out in the sun, I can't drink anymore so I don't

feel like going out. Has anyone else had problems because of their

illnesses. I am tired of trying to make things better with him and

work on getiing better myself mentally and physically. Any

suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He is my highschool

sweatheart and I love him very much. We have been married 8 years and

we are both 26 and I am starting to feel like all this is too much for

him to handle, not me. Best wishes to all of you and sorry about the

long post. Holly

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[Guest guest]

Every one of us react differently to what life throws at us. Would you and your

husband consider going to a therapist? It might help both of you put things in

their proper perspective.

Good luck.

Holly <hollybgroovin2003@...> wrote:

For the first time in over 2 years I am starting to feel like myself

again. But as a lot of you know this disease seems to bring on many

other health issues as well. Along with my RA and Lupus, I also have

mononeuropathy multiplex which cause my legs to loose feeling and I

have to sit immediately or I fall and foot drop. I also have

vasculitis from the lupus and I have severe iron defficient aneamia.

At first my husband was very supportive and excited that we were

finally getiing some answers. Then he started to become distant and I

just thought maybe this was his way of dealing. He didn't want to

hear anything the doctors had to say and I just thought that he was

having a hard time watching me be sick, taking soooo many medications

and adjusting to them. But now he won't talk to me at all. I try to

talk to him but he flat out ignores me. I can tell he feels annoyed

and frustrated because I can't do the things that I used to be able

to. I can't stay out in the sun, I can't drink anymore so I don't

feel like going out. Has anyone else had problems because of their

illnesses. I am tired of trying to make things better with him and

work on getiing better myself mentally and physically. Any

suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He is my highschool

sweatheart and I love him very much. We have been married 8 years and

we are both 26 and I am starting to feel like all this is too much for

him to handle, not me. Best wishes to all of you and sorry about the

long post. Holly

[Guest guest]

Dear Holly

I am very sorry to hear about your many health troubles and about the

behaviour of your husband. This is really very sad, because I know that you need

his nearness and support the most. I wonder if you have ever tried to confront

him, tried to ask him why he is behaving like that? I guess you need to have a

big talk together, he might then be able to let out whatever is bothering him

and then you would also get a chance to get your point of views across.

good look

amira

" C. Y. " <cjmy3454@...> wrote:

Every one of us react differently to what life throws at us. Would you

and your husband consider going to a therapist? It might help both of you put

things in their proper perspective.

Good luck.

Holly <hollybgroovin2003@...> wrote:

For the first time in over 2 years I am starting to feel like myself

again. But as a lot of you know this disease seems to bring on many

other health issues as well. Along with my RA and Lupus, I also have

mononeuropathy multiplex which cause my legs to loose feeling and I

have to sit immediately or I fall and foot drop. I also have

vasculitis from the lupus and I have severe iron defficient aneamia.

At first my husband was very supportive and excited that we were

finally getiing some answers. Then he started to become distant and I

just thought maybe this was his way of dealing. He didn't want to

hear anything the doctors had to say and I just thought that he was

having a hard time watching me be sick, taking soooo many medications

and adjusting to them. But now he won't talk to me at all. I try to

talk to him but he flat out ignores me. I can tell he feels annoyed

and frustrated because I can't do the things that I used to be able

to. I can't stay out in the sun, I can't drink anymore so I don't

feel like going out. Has anyone else had problems because of their

illnesses. I am tired of trying to make things better with him and

work on getiing better myself mentally and physically. Any

suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He is my highschool

sweatheart and I love him very much. We have been married 8 years and

we are both 26 and I am starting to feel like all this is too much for

him to handle, not me. Best wishes to all of you and sorry about the

long post. Holly

[Guest guest]

--- In , " Holly " <hollybgroovin2003@...>

wrote:

>

> For the first time in over 2 years I am starting to feel like myself

> again. But as a lot of you know this disease seems to bring on many

> other health issues as well. Along with my RA and Lupus, I also

have

> mononeuropathy multiplex which cause my legs to loose feeling and I

> have to sit immediately or I fall and foot drop. I also have

> vasculitis from the lupus and I have severe iron defficient

aneamia.

> At first my husband was very supportive and excited that we were

> finally getiing some answers. Then he started to become distant

and I

> just thought maybe this was his way of dealing. He didn't want to

> hear anything the doctors had to say and I just thought that he was

> having a hard time watching me be sick, taking soooo many

medications

> and adjusting to them. But now he won't talk to me at all. I try

to

> talk to him but he flat out ignores me. I can tell he feels annoyed

> and frustrated because I can't do the things that I used to be able

> to. I can't stay out in the sun, I can't drink anymore so I don't

> feel like going out. Has anyone else had problems because of their

> illnesses. I am tired of trying to make things better with him and

> work on getiing better myself mentally and physically. Any

> suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He is my highschool

> sweatheart and I love him very much. We have been married 8 years

and

> we are both 26 and I am starting to feel like all this is too much

for

> him to handle, not me. Best wishes to all of you and sorry about

the

> long post. Holly

>

holly i'm sorry for what you are going through, it breaks my

heart to hear your story. i wish that there was something i could

tell you that would help. maybe it's just your husband doesnt

understand. its hard enough for those of us who have this to

understand. i wish that he could be more supportive for your sake.

since he doesnt seem to be now, you have us here in this group to

support you. you do need to take care of your self. i will keep you

in my prayers...hugs brenda

[Guest guest]

Holly, if I were you, I'd try to get my hubby to go to counseling with

me. I base that on my own experience. First, my daughter suffered

from severe depression while she was in high school, a big part of it

brought on by trying to deal with asthma and psorasis, and of course,

our favorite, prednisone. We spent five years in family counseling,

and not only did it help her, I was able to see a lot of things in my

relationship with my hubby, and really learned how to deal with my

problems, even though he only particpated in the counseling for a few

sessions here and there.

Second, dear friends of ours have been battling cancer. She was

diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer a little over a year ago; he

talks to me because he doesn't want to upset her, wants to be strong

for her. But he's devestated, and has had a lot of trouble dealing

with it. He doesn't get much support because everyone is focusing on

her, yet his life has been turned upside down, too. Besides his fear

of losing her, he's had to take on a lot more responsiblity for their

children, etc.

You two need to be able to communicate your fears, your hopes - then

maybe you can help each other deal with the changes in your lives,

On 6/17/06, Holly <hollybgroovin2003@...> wrote:

> For the first time in over 2 years I am starting to feel like myself

> again. But as a lot of you know this disease seems to bring on many

> other health issues as well. Along with my RA and Lupus, I also have

> mononeuropathy multiplex which cause my legs to loose feeling and I

> have to sit immediately or I fall and foot drop. I also have

> vasculitis from the lupus and I have severe iron defficient aneamia.

> At first my husband was very supportive and excited that we were

> finally getiing some answers. Then he started to become distant and I

> just thought maybe this was his way of dealing. He didn't want to

> hear anything the doctors had to say and I just thought that he was

> having a hard time watching me be sick, taking soooo many medications

> and adjusting to them. But now he won't talk to me at all. I try to

> talk to him but he flat out ignores me. I can tell he feels annoyed

> and frustrated because I can't do the things that I used to be able

> to. I can't stay out in the sun, I can't drink anymore so I don't

> feel like going out. Has anyone else had problems because of their

> illnesses. I am tired of trying to make things better with him and

> work on getiing better myself mentally and physically. Any

> suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He is my highschool

> sweatheart and I love him very much. We have been married 8 years and

> we are both 26 and I am starting to feel like all this is too much for

> him to handle, not me. Best wishes to all of you and sorry about the

> long post. Holly

>

>

--

South Pasadena, CA

See my galleries! - http://www.pbase.com/arenared986

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. I feel for both sides. I

love my wife, who has RA since she was about 9 years of age.

When were were engaged we used to go out a lot more. Even in our

younger days of marriage we did.

Now with all of her meds and migranes we are seldom up past 10 pm.Som

days I pray for strength for when we have big things planned she has

a major flare up.

The celebrex and shots help plus the tramadol, but It hurts me too.

When we try to talk she gets defensive and has gonne as far as to

say, " how dare I talk to her about feeling sorry for myself> " I feel

for her greatly, but seek some parts of a normal life too.

Before we married, I skied, biked, ran, and traveled.

I used to buy here fitness memberships (at her request, pool passes,

a new piece of exercise equipment, but after using it for a month or

two she would be too sore, loose interest or forget about it)

Now we sit home and once in a great while I get out to do something.

I want to do things with her but she can not or won't.

Through it all we love each other, but at times it is not easy.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/17/06 11:10:42 PM, mnpmail@... writes:

> I am tired of trying to make things better with him and

>   work on getiing better myself mentally and physically. Any

>   suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He is my highschool

>   sweatheart and I love him very much

>

I think men are " fixers " .

If they can't fix something, they become distant and frustrated.

Women are venters or just " talkers " .

I know my husband does not respond (much) when I talk about my

disease..they do not understand we are just venting.

Also, we seem to be burdening them with it. It is hurtful for them (or

children).

Maybe talking to someone else rather than him would be better...unless

there's something he can really do. It can wear a person out, EVEN THOUGH THEY

CARE

VERY MUCH.

Try an experiment, quit talking about it all, and let him bring it up....

and vent to this list, not friends or family.

Hugs,

Pris

[Guest guest]

>

>

> In a message dated 6/17/06 11:10:42 PM, mnpmail@... writes:

>

>

> > I am tired of trying to make things better with him and

> >   work on getiing better myself mentally and physically. Any

> >   suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He is my highschool

> >   sweatheart and I love him very much

> >

>

> I think men are " fixers " .

> If they can't fix something, they become distant and frustrated.

> Women are venters or just " talkers " .

> I know my husband does not respond (much) when I talk about my

> disease..they do not understand we are just venting.

> Also, we seem to be burdening them with it. It is hurtful for

them (or

> children).

> Maybe talking to someone else rather than him would be

better...unless

> there's something he can really do. It can wear a person out, EVEN

THOUGH THEY CARE

> VERY MUCH.

> Try an experiment, quit talking about it all, and let him bring it

up....

> and vent to this list, not friends or family.

> Hugs,

> Pris

>

> I read that somewhere...that men are fixers. I think it was those

venus/mars books. It said that when we keep repeating the same

problem (which is merely venting to us)that they feel bad becuse they

haven't been able to fix it for us.They feel they haven't done their

job. They begin to feel helpless to help. So maybe if we change our

wording so that it isn't a " red flag " for them then we would get them

to listen more. Like..It really helped me when you did (whatever it

was he did), and I appreciate it but It doesn't seem to be working as

well for me now, can we look at it again and see what we can come up

with? That way we have not accused them of not fixing our problem,

but have just asked for help in a different direction. Can you see

how this approach would look different and maybe not so threatening

(as in you didn't fix it for me )because that is what they're hearing

no matter what we think we are saying!!!....make any sense???? to

anybody??

> Jenna

>

>

>