Re: kassi

[Guest guest]

<< to also be of interest in how many here might have of daughters who

show no interest, nor share of sad over not having a friendship to

them. are they of content like of me to just be to connect when they

are of able but not really be intenrally driven to seek out

friendships?>>

THis is my daughter....absolutely no interest whatsoever in friends.

Sherry

[Guest guest]

Friends. That's a difficult topic because it's so

COMPLICATED!

Most (over 90% probably, and I've only had friends for

10 years) of the friends I've had I've made through

the thing autistic people do better than our peers:

Special Interests! I'm unusual in that I'm an athletic

autistic (like Aimee is unusual in that there aren't

that many autistic dancers), but there are sooo many

things that made me more friends.

There are a couple choices here: In person (which is

harder) and online (which is easier, but riskier if it

progresses to in person).

I made friends in person from choir, autism

conferences, tumbling meets (you see each other once a

month, they don't know you're THAT unusual till you go

to Nationals with their family! and when that happened

it was with a family where the oldest daughter is

Aspie and the mom is a special ed teacher and said she

had me 'spotted' from the first meet *grin*), book

groups, Scholastic Bowl and Math Counts, both kinds of

team Jeopardy, aikido (a martial art for self

defense), and I think that's it. I like the kids in

gymnastics but they're teammates, not friends.

Online, I've made friends from knowing about autism,

neurology, psychopharmacology, big words, gymnastics

fan stuff, gymnastics technique, gymnastics coaching

technique, Lord of the Rings & Harry Potter book &

movie nerd-dom, other nerd-dom...either on chat rooms,

IM, message boards, or email lists like this. With a

few select people I may move from the electronic to

phone FIRST (even though I REALLY hate phone) and then

to meeting in person. If there's a conference around

the subject I know the person from, though, then the

phone contact first is only necessary if they're going

to be my roommate.

I've learned that it's easier for me to maintain

friendships with people a few years older or a few

years younger than me if the person is non spectrum,

on the spectrum age doesn't matter so much. I have

also learned that men are a little more autistic than

women, so usually they are easier for me to understand

socially. Since I have abuse issues, I tend to prefer

that my male friends be of a size where, should the

need arise, I can put them through a wall-since I'm

VERY strong there is exactly one friend of mine where

this could be an issue.

LOOKING for friends isn't something I actively do, I

look for the information sharing, but it's kind of

nice to make a friend. I only see friends in person a

few times a year and that doesn't bother me, too much

people-time and I get overloaded. So I spend all my

time at gymnastics or doing my nerd-girl thing and

that makes me happy. I have cats, I don't need people

*grin*.

Kassiane

--- sondra wrote:

> I to be to wonder of a things to you ? how do you

> work out of

> friendships? how do you develop of them to be to

> gain of life

> experiences in areas of friendships. i to never been

> of able to get

> to that level and have no desier and yet find some

> with spectrum do

> and so was of wondeing if you can share of how you

> to discover

> friends and relatinships with them?

>

> Does it make of you happy and do you seek of the

> frienships and if so

> how do you do it to gain success. I to want to learn

> as I to see some

> with spctrum who do have of tjhis ability and yet I

> to not be of able

> to do this level of relationships yet. I to ahve of

> many aquantances

> and so often call of them friends but I to not

> really have of a true

> friendship in life.

>

> I to wonder if you and or any others here on

> spectrum who have

> ability to gain and maintain of frienships can give

> of the insight to

> them..

>

> the only so called friend ships I to have ever

> achieved has been of

> those in care provider roles to me not a strong

> relationship based

> off of mutal exchanged ways of seeking and sharing

> in a back and

> forth way.

>

> if any families here have of daughters in spectrum

> too who have of

> friends can you share of how they work it out and do

> they seek if it

> from that person and is the other person also a

> seeker of you child

> in a treu give and take way?

>

> I to also be of interest in how many here might have

> of daughters who

> show no interest, nor share of sad over not having a

> friendship to

> them. are they of content like of me to just be to

> connect when they

> are of able but not really be intenrally driven to

> seek out

> friendships?

>

> Or are they seeking but not able to establish and so

> are of sad to it,

>

> Sondra

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

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[Guest guest]

I be to wonder what makes some with autism this way, why does our

brains not develop to a place that most all living things seek; a

companion and or to connect in some ways naturally but for some of us

we really dont have that internal drive. I to wonder if it is parts of

our brain just is severely missing that part or never develops past the

basic survival level of connect but is never internally able to

gofurther?

And then some with autism do want of friendships and do a poor job an

become so frustrated over this they end up retreating and being ofa

person who sabbatogges the relationships before they get of started.

And then others on spectrum can develop long term friendships and such.

So I to wonder if there is a part in our brain that is responsible for

this lacking or skills within us... or is it really simply the mirror

nerons that some of us simply are more challenged by being able to see

selfs in others in an emotional connected way?

Sondra

In Autism_in_Girls , " gldcst " wrote:

>

> << to also be of interest in how many here might have of daughters

who

> show no interest, nor share of sad over not having a friendship to

> them. are they of content like of me to just be to connect when they

> are of able but not really be intenrally driven to seek out

> friendships?>>

>

> THis is my daughter....absolutely no interest whatsoever in friends.

> Sherry

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kassi the dictionary to says a friend is a person you know very

well... and to me is of one that is with much face to face times in

shared and enjoyed times.

I to be of not really have that with anyone although have an over

developed sense of connect to a very few peoples in the life of me..

I to be to know forme most of online connections I to refer to as

friends are of really a aquaintance and not really a knowing of the

person so not really a friend is this what it is of to you too....

I to know I to use of the word friend much and yet had a knowing from

ny own use of he word what it was of saying to me but ow aware

itmight be to give off a thinking differently to others such as Ito

thinked by reading of you posts much that you had of real friends

like the dictionary term of friends.

I to ahve a strong overly sensitive nature to people and so know HOW

to be of friendly and respond in a connected fashions on the computer

and such but fail more in relationships when it is in the real.

I to never had been of able to explore self interest into the

community and so much of the interest I to ahve are of done in

isolations not in connect to another so this may be too why never

develop beyond into shared things with others. The only connect I to

be of to have strongly is lists and conferences in autism where some

who know of me from online seek of me out, or the people who

contracted with me stay connected to me to assure of safe... and yet

have been of mildly able to seek out some on spectrumat conferences

now as I to did with you in RI when aware it was of you. I to be to

also share did much enjoy of that connect as dont often get a chance

to find adult females in my area on spectrum. I to think we are of in

two very different places on spectrum but the spectrum itself brings

forth a feel of connect in understood fashions.

I to also feel safe among the parents of kids on spectrumin my

community as they are of very embacing to me and giving to me and

make of me feel like a real person in life who has of any worth and I

to feel validated in life because of their care and love to me. Many

are of strong gift givers to me. I to not be to seek of the gifts

they just come to me and ae of cherished to me and palced in my

office. One such gift was from a young girl at a conference who was

of maybe of 13 and on spectrum writed me a note saying I to like you

sondra williams and so thatis of special to me becase if I were to be

fo 13 now and had met an adult sharing of the same issues I to be of

struggling to it would bring forth a realconnect that in much of the

life had no had . it would be to inspire of me. yet she inspired of

me to keep working for her eyes tell of me the srory within her...

Sondra

[Guest guest]

Hi Sondra,

My daughter is 11 and she really doesn't have any friends. She is not sad about

it. She seems to not realize that she doesn't have friends. She has many

acquaintances in school and at girl scouts, basketball etc. She calls these

people her friends but they really are not. She doesn't get invited over to

play or to birthday parties. She is very happy with her life and doesn't

realize that there is a depth to real friendships that she doesn't have.

I on the other hand am not on the spectrum in any way. I do have OCD and that

interferes sometimes with my life. I find myself in the same situation as my

daughter with a great many acquaintances but no real close girl friends. I

don't know why I am like that but I have always been. If I wanted to call a

girlfriend to go out or to just come over to have coffee there really isn't

anyone. I do however have many people that I am " friendly " with through my

children. I always look at women who have close girlfriend relationships and

don't know how to go about doing that either. Like I said, I am not on the

spectrum and I don't have any other issues that would be considered social

issues but yet I have been unable to put forth the effort it takes to maintain a

proper friendship. I spend some time wondering what is wrong with me and then I

decided that is just how I am. I have a close relationship with my husband and

with my mother and sister in law so maybe that is just how I am and will always

be.

I read you mention about friendships before and I am wondering if you are sad

about your lack of friendships. I also wanted to mention that to open up to

people the way we open up here is very difficult for people. I don't think that

is a situation unique to you. I know I would not be able to talk to people in

person the way I write in here. This is a very unique situation and I think we

are all lucky to have eachother here. I know we can't sit with you and have a

cup of tea together but in a way we are your friends. I also wanted to point

out to you that you do a great amount of reaching out. You are always making

comments and asking questions. This is very outgoing of you and I think you are

doing great.

Terri

kassi

I to be to wonder of a things to you ? how do you work out of

friendships? how do you develop of them to be to gain of life

experiences in areas of friendships. i to never been of able to get

to that level and have no desier and yet find some with spectrum do

and so was of wondeing if you can share of how you to discover

friends and relatinships with them?

Does it make of you happy and do you seek of the frienships and if so

how do you do it to gain success. I to want to learn as I to see some

with spctrum who do have of tjhis ability and yet I to not be of able

to do this level of relationships yet. I to ahve of many aquantances

and so often call of them friends but I to not really have of a true

friendship in life.

I to wonder if you and or any others here on spectrum who have

ability to gain and maintain of frienships can give of the insight to

them..

the only so called friend ships I to have ever achieved has been of

those in care provider roles to me not a strong relationship based

off of mutal exchanged ways of seeking and sharing in a back and

forth way.

if any families here have of daughters in spectrum too who have of

friends can you share of how they work it out and do they seek if it

from that person and is the other person also a seeker of you child

in a treu give and take way?

I to also be of interest in how many here might have of daughters who

show no interest, nor share of sad over not having a friendship to

them. are they of content like of me to just be to connect when they

are of able but not really be intenrally driven to seek out

friendships?

Or are they seeking but not able to establish and so are of sad to it,

Sondra

[Guest guest]

I have always got along better with men than women. They were just

easier. However, I realized when I was a young adult you can't be

friends with men because their girlfriends/wives don't like it. It

clicked with me because I didn't like females being so buddy-buddy

with my man, lol. Still though, I cut up with men very easily, they're

just easier to understand!

Debi

--- In Autism_in_Girls , Kassi

>

> I've learned that it's easier for me to maintain

> friendships with people a few years older or a few

> years younger than me if the person is non spectrum,

> on the spectrum age doesn't matter so much. I have

> also learned that men are a little more autistic than

> women, so usually they are easier for me to understand

> socially. Since I have abuse issues, I tend to prefer

> that my male friends be of a size where, should the

> need arise, I can put them through a wall-since I'm

> VERY strong there is exactly one friend of mine where

> this could be an issue.

>

[Guest guest]

> I read you mention about friendships before and I am wondering if

you are sad about your lack of friendships. > Terri

terri not really sad at all but aware I to be missing somethings I to

see in other peoples and aware others have of this and seek it but

inside of me I to not be to desire or seek out people in that way so

it just makes me feel broken and or not normal is all but not desire

to make of firends to a higher level. just feel brokenbecause do no

have a normal so called brain and this makes me feel unsure of self

and crazy at times in compare to others. Ito sometimes wish I to had

of that ability in me to desire and make of friend sbut only to

appear more normal.

Yes many to say of that to me I to be of a very personal like person

but can do that in the words via computer and sometimes in real if

the scripted words are of autsm related but outside of that and in my

presentaion am of told I to lack personal space and voice tones and

levels of speech and related ways to connect to people and to me it

causes me a frsutration because I to feel I to b of relating to the

best of my ability. but those in the autism community do accept that

as part of me and do not judge of me in it, but people that do not

understand this in me see me in bad ways and judge of my presentaion

under false assumptions.

I was to be of curious to Kassi if she had of real friends or people

she to calls as friends for the same reasons I to do when they are of

not true friends at all.

Kassi do you want of friends and seek of them for shared experiences?

do you get of lonely for others such as do you even find going to a

place by self more fun and such by self or do you prefer to go with

peoples in the community as in friend bond and not for the use of a

support bond.

Sondra

[Guest guest]

yes woman are socially complex to me and cause me overwhelmed feelings

as they are of too hard for me to do.

Mens are easier for me they are just wired in a way my brain can keep

up with for the most part in words and or connecting. I to like of the

way some mens to smell and their voice tones and movements but not in a

sexual way just a connected way that is more engaging to me or ways

that cause me to attend to them. I to find some more safe to me but at

same find self can be of more vulnerable among them becuas ecant read

of any intentions they may have towards me but my nature is of more

trusting to them then females even though had been traumatized by a

male in hte early life of me. Yet I to not transfer of that fear to all

men only old men.

Sondra