Re: Autistic and looking for love

August 12, 2009

I've noticed that a lot of people with AS can be rather territorial about their space. I was like that as a teen too. My high school years were spent at a boarding school where we didn't have much privacy at all, though I did have a private room one year and I really liked that. However, I knew my mother was going through my room at home while I wasn't there. That issue was solved with a padlock. She didn't like that, which only confirmed to me that she had been going in there. BTW, the padlock was needed because my room was in the basement and the foundation had settled such that the door didn't close all the way to the lock on the door didn't work.

Eventually Tom's parents decided to send him away to live in care during the week and only come home at the weekend. Later Tom said he actually preferred it away from home as he got a room to himself with a lock on it and nobody coming in all the time and messing with/breaking his stuff. I found it so sad that his family could not meet his needs :-(

August 12, 2009

I watched this last night.

" It also features 15-year-old Tom - a shy teenager struggling to get on with his

parents... "

The way Tom's parents treat him was really annoying. It was obvious that Tom

wanted time and space alone and quite often I saw on camera his parents invading

such. Also there were about 4 other children who also often invaded Tom's space.

Tom said he was fed up of his mother treating him like a kid and she admitted

she sometimes thought of him as a 4 year old, saying that I also noticed she let

him drink alcohol on the houses grounds at his older brothers party (unless she

didn't know). One part of the programe saw her snooping through his room and

reading private letters that had been sent to him.

Eventually Tom's parents decided to send him away to live in care during the

week and only come home at the weekend. Later Tom said he actually preferred it

away from home as he got a room to himself with a lock on it and nobody coming

in all the time and messing with/breaking his stuff. I found it so sad that his

family could not meet his needs :-(

>

> http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8195815.stm

>

> Autistic and looking for love

>

> Page last updated at 15:41 GMT, Tuesday, 11 August 2009 16:41 UK

>

> , who has Asperger's syndrome - a form of autism that can make it

difficult to form relationships - talks to his mum about trying to find himself

a girlfriend.

>

> The 24-year-old's story is told in The Autistic Me - a documentary looking at

three young men trying to manage their condition and make their way in the

world.

>

> It also features 15-year-old Tom - a shy teenager struggling to get on with

his parents, and 23-year-old Oli, who despite an encyclopaedic knowledge of

history is struggling to find a job.

>

> The Autistic Me is broadcast on BBC Three at 2100 BST on Tuesday 11 August.

>

August 12, 2009

" Eventually Tom's parents decided to send him away to live in care during the

week and only come home at the weekend. Later Tom said he actually preferred it

away from home as he got a room to himself with a lock on it and nobody coming

in all the time and messing with/breaking his stuff. I found it so sad that his

family could not meet his needs :-( "

I have oftentimes made the assertion in the Family Forum that this is how Aspies

come to feel about their parents, but I am seldom believed.

Administrator

August 12, 2009

Hi;

I am quite territorial about my space AND possessions,always have been. Don't know if it was due to growing up in a dysfunctional family, or is just part of my nature anyway.IF someone gets into my stuff without asking I am REALLY annoyed, whereas IF they had asked first I might have been willing to loan it to them.

When I tell my family I am going to 'my room' and not to ask me anything, unless a cat becomes ill or the house collapses, I mean that absolute,

but they used to think they were being kind to ask me if i wanted coffee, ice cream or something. Now I add 'please don't ask if I want something to eat or drink' to my statement.

Rl

'My cat Rusty is a servant of the Living God....'

adapted from a poem by Smart

Subject: Re: Re: Autistic and looking for loveTo: FAMSecretSociety Received: Wednesday, August 12, 2009, 2:15 PM

I've noticed that a lot of people with AS can be rather territorial about their space. I was like that as a teen too. My high school years were spent at a boarding school where we didn't have much privacy at all, though I did have a private room one year and I really liked that. However, I knew my mother was going through my room at home while I wasn't there. That issue was solved with a padlock. She didn't like that, which only confirmed to me that she had been going in there. BTW, the padlock was needed because my room was in the basement and the foundation had settled such that the door didn't close all the way to the lock on the door didn't work.

In a message dated 8/12/2009 2:53:17 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, julie.stevenson16@ ntlworld. com writes:

Eventually Tom's parents decided to send him away to live in care during the week and only come home at the weekend. Later Tom said he actually preferred it away from home as he got a room to himself with a lock on it and nobody coming in all the time and messing with/breaking his stuff. I found it so sad that his family could not meet his needs :-(

Yahoo! Canada Toolbar : Search from anywhere on the web and bookmark your favourite sites. Download it now!

August 12, 2009

Yes, so am I!

I have a dual diagnosis of Asperger's and PTSD, and can react violently if

provoked. One thing that I consider a provocation which NT's seem not to is

reaching for my food (at a large communal meal, let's say). Generally that gets

a growl.

I've rarely had to progress beyond that, but there you are.

Personally, I have no idea why anyone would reach for another's food in the

first place.

///Dave

>

> Hi;

> I am quite territorial about my space AND possessions,always have been. Don't

know if it was due to growing up in a dysfunctional family, or is just part of

my nature anyway. [...]

August 13, 2009

" one thing that I consider a provocation which NT's seem not to is

reaching for my food (at a large communal meal, let's say). Generally that gets

a growl. "

I don't like it when people pick at my food either. It's mine! Dang it!

Let them get their own if they want some.

Stealing a fry Mc's isn't funny or cute. It's annoying.

Administrator

August 13, 2009

Dave wrote: " ... <snip> ... Personally, I have no idea why anyone would reach

for another's food in the first place ... <snip> ... "

Your comment reminded me of an incident that happened with Cub when he was just

2 years old exactly. His father, who was NT, reached across the table at a

restaurant and took a french fry from Cub's plate.

Cub was quite upset with his father, held out his hand right under his father's

chin and demanded, " PIT IT OUT! PIT IT OUT NOW!!!! "

His father refused and kept chewing and so Cub screamed louder, " PIT IT OUT!

HEY YOU!!!! PIT IT OUT NOW!!!! "

His father swallowed, opened his mouth and then said, " See? It's gone. "

Cub glowered at his father and said just as loudly as he had demanded the return

of his food, " YOU ARE A JERK. YOU STEAL FOOD. STAY AWAY FROM ME! "

His father, now upset with this reaction, turned to me and I shrugged my

shoulders and said, " You shouldn't have touched his food. How many times have I

told you ... don't take food off Cub's plate. If he wants to share, he'll give

you what he wants to share. "

Raven

August 13, 2009

A friend (probably NT) said another friend took a piece of food off her plate at a group dinner, she was shocked but did not confront him, she thought maybe it was a sign of trust;

She is much more tolerant than me,

my opinion; sampling someone else's food without asking could be a sign of dis-respect (OR more likely, the food taker is just ill-mannered, or from a family where such behaviour was OK) I think even if someone wants to take a piece of food that is customarily eaten in the fingers, they need to ask.

On a different note, some of our cats will let the others eat from the same dish, others won't. This is not just who likes the other, there is more to it than that.

RL

'My cat Rusty is a servant of the Living God....'

adapted from a poem by Smart

Subject: Re: Autistic and looking for loveTo: FAMSecretSociety Received: Wednesday, August 12, 2009, 3:45 PM

Yes, so am I!I have a dual diagnosis of Asperger's and PTSD, and can react violently if provoked. One thing that I consider a provocation which NT's seem not to is reaching for my food (at a large communal meal, let's say). Generally that gets a growl.I've rarely had to progress beyond that, but there you are.Personally, I have no idea why anyone would reach for another's food in the first place.///Dave>> Hi;> I am quite territorial about my space AND possessions, always have been. Don't know if it was due to growing up in a dysfunctional family, or is just part of my nature anyway.

[...]

Looking for the perfect gift? Give the gift of Flickr!

August 13, 2009

I tend to be fairly territorial too. I can be able to sense very

subtle indicators that my space has been disturbed, and really do not

like it when I can tell someone attempted to cover up the indicators.

I also do not take well to people interfering with my food. The

anecdote with Cub is fairly insightful.

August 13, 2009

" On a different note, some of our cats will let the others eat from the same

dish, others won't. This is not just who likes the other, there is more to it

than that. "

I have two cats, they always seem to be worried the other one has something

better food wise :-)

>

> A friend (probably NT) said another friend took a piece of food off her plate

at a group dinner, she was shocked but did not confront him, she thought maybe

it was a sign of trust;

> She is much more tolerant than me,

> my opinion; sampling someone else's food without asking could be a sign of

dis-respect (OR more likely, the food taker is just ill-mannered, or from a

family where such behaviour was OK) I think even if someone wants to take a

piece of food that is customarily eaten in the fingers, they need to ask.

>

> On a different note, some of our cats will let the others eat from the same

dish, others won't. This is not just who likes the other, there is more to it

than that.

>

> RL

>

> 'My cat Rusty is a servant of the Living God....'

> adapted from a poem by Smart

August 13, 2009

My father was like that. I hated sitting near him at the table because he would filch food off of my plate. I wasn't a big eater as a kid, but I usually ate everything on my plate. But if I wasn't eating fast enough to suit him, over would come his fork snatching things, sometimes even whole pieces of fish that I haven't gotten to yet. I finally stopped it by one day telling him that I wasn't done yet but he kept watching my plate like a hawk saying "I'm just looking to see if there is anything I can eat." He did make a got for my last piece of fish and I just narrowly missed stabbing his hand with my fork. It hit the table so hard it bent and I had to straighten it out again. Rather extreme, but he never did it again.

Your comment reminded me of an incident that happened with Cub when he was just 2 years old exactly. His father, who was NT, reached across the table at a restaurant and took a french fry from Cub's plate.

August 14, 2009

This reminds me of my growing up. It only happened at fast food places. But

anytime growing up if we went out to eat at a fast food joint my mother would

always insist that she had to sample something from my order. Not just a french

fry but a bite out of the burger or of ice cream. When I asked her why she

insisted she would just tell me it was her way of reminding me that she paid for

the meal with her money. Why exactly that is pertinent to someone as young as I

was at the time I'm not certain. My guess is she was trying to make sure I

didn't think eating a Mc ice cream cone was something I had a right to

demand, but rather it was a privilege she could take away again.

>

> My father was like that. I hated sitting near him at the table because he

> would filch food off of my plate. I wasn't a big eater as a kid, but I

> usually ate everything on my plate. But if I wasn't eating fast enough to

suit

> him, over would come his fork snatching things, sometimes even whole pieces

> of fish that I haven't gotten to yet. I finally stopped it by one day

> telling him that I wasn't done yet but he kept watching my plate like a hawk

> saying " I'm just looking to see if there is anything I can eat. " He did make

a

> got for my last piece of fish and I just narrowly missed stabbing his hand

> with my fork. It hit the table so hard it bent and I had to straighten it

> out again. Rather extreme, but he never did it again.

>

> In a message dated 8/13/2009 1:58:45 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> ravenmagic2003@... writes:

>

> Your comment reminded me of an incident that happened with Cub when he was

> just 2 years old exactly. His father, who was NT, reached across the table

> at a restaurant and took a french fry from Cub's plate.

>

August 14, 2009

Hummingbirds don't share well either.

The Ruby-throated Hummingbird is by far the most common species that breeds in the eastern half of North America, although most states have sporadic Rufous sightings, and Bob and Martha Sargent have banded eight other hummingbird species as winter visitors to five southeastern states. Ruby-throats are intensely inquisitive and thus easily attracted to feeders, where males in particular typically display aggressive territoriality toward rival hummers, other birds, and even insects such as bees, butterflies, and sphinx moths. They quickly become accustomed to human presence, and will swoop down to investigate red articles of clothing, possibly as potential food sources. Feeders hung at windows attract as many visitors as ones farther from structures, and the bird that claims a feeder as its territory may spend much of the day perched nearby, guarding the food source against intruders. Many hummingbird watchers find "Hummer Warz" endlessly entertaining, although the chases are obviously serious business to the hungry birds. For a short period immediately after fledging, a female will tolerate the presence of her own young at the feeder, but they are soon treated the same as other adult birds - as rivals in pursuit of the food necessary to prepare for the fall migration.

>> A friend (probably NT) said another friend took a piece of food off her plate at a group dinner, she was shocked but did not confront him, she thought maybe it was a sign of trust;> She is much more tolerant than me, > my opinion; sampling someone else's food without asking could be a sign of dis-respect (OR more likely, the food taker is just ill-mannered, or from a family where such behaviour was OK) I think even if someone wants to take a piece of food that is customarily eaten in the fingers, they need to ask.> > On a different note, some of our cats will let the others eat from the same dish, others won't. This is not just who likes the other, there is more to it than that.> > RL

August 14, 2009

>

> Hummingbirds don't share well either.

That is worded incorrectly and I should have said that hummingbirds do

not like others feeding at what they have claimed as theirs. I am of

the opinion if I have put food on my plate it belongs to me and the same

goes for everyone else at the table. If I did not order say french

fries and someone else had I would have to ask if I may have one if I

wanted to eat one.

Kim

August 16, 2009

" It only happened at fast food places. But anytime growing up if we went out to

eat at a fast food joint my mother would always insist that she had to sample

something from my order. Not just a french fry but a bite out of the burger or

of ice cream. "

What I dislike is when someone wants to try a bite of what I am eating just to

get a taste because they ordered something else. I don't let them. If they want

what I have, they should have ordered it.

Administrator

August 26, 2009

I found my space invaded often as a child. it led me to emit even less

responses and made me more secluded. It may be why I often choose not to leave

my protected space, but even a significant other may be a snooper. In that case

i must keep everything in my own head. (this can be difficult and at times

painful (if one is confused or has questions) It also led to my rich fantasy

worlds. I often am afraid to put down my thought as later thay might be used

against me. in any case I think many aspies guard against invasion (even at

risk to themselves) Like my mistrust of doctors, car repair people, lawyers

August 29, 2009

Mimi wrote excerpted:I found my space invaded often as a child. it led me to emit even less responses and made me more secluded. ........I think many aspies guard against invasion (even at risk to themselves) Like my mistrust of doctors, car repair people, lawyers...my reply;My parents invaded my space both mentally and physically. As a teenager, I had acne, and occasionally my dad would order me to 'stand still,' he would grab my chin and peer at my face, under the guise of concern about my skin. Now the thoughts of a parent doing that to a teen would be really out of place.I grew up extremely guarding of my space. AS an adult, differ from others in that I am outspoken when I think my space is being invaded. Some times a friend will tell me that I have an wider sense of boundaries,than they do (if I were a cat my territory would

be large) other times they will say they generally such it up (keep quiet) when faced with a minor invasion. Some seem to admire me for having few qualms about speaking out. They seem to be bound? by ingrained social constraints.When it comes to dealing with service people, plumbers, doctors etc, I try to take a pragmatic view, but probably feel as stressed about having work done on my house as on my body. Making arrangements for th work to my house is interesting, it's actually having a person over to 'invade' the mechanisms that sets my teeth on egde. When a tradesperson is doing work on my house, I ask if it is Ok if I watch. I am paying $$$ and don't want him to be nervous & less efficient. I only talk if he does. Only one fellow said he used to be nervous, but had gotten used to the resident watching. (he was a younger fellow, working for the gas company, instaling a device to send a meter reading via

the phone lines)When an life insurance agent etc wanted to meet at our house, I would

either say NO we meet at office or we find someone else, or I would put

a firm stop to their requisite pitter patter of small talk when they

arrived, seat them at a table, sit down and say: let;s get to business.

(I am the consumer here! and in MY territiry)(I realize that NT's seem to fnd small talk helps to relax and unwind, but iit winds me up in a negative way.rl'My cat Rusty is a servant of the Living God....'adapted from a poem by SmartSubject: Re: Autistic and looking for loveTo: FAMSecretSociety Received: Wednesday, August 26, 2009, 2:38 PM

I found my space invaded often as a child. it led me to emit even less responses and made me more secluded. It may be why I often choose not to leave my protected space, but even a significant other may be a snooper. In that case i must keep everything in my own head. (this can be difficult and at times painful (if one is confused or has questions) It also led to my rich fantasy worlds. I often am afraid to put down my thought as later thay might be used against me. in any case I think many aspies guard against invasion (even at risk to themselves) Like my mistrust of doctors, car repair people, lawyers

Looking for the perfect gift? Give the gift of Flickr!

August 30, 2009

I pretty much always watch the tradesmen who come to work on my house. I generally don't ask if they mind, I just keep out of the way. None have minded so far, particularly since they usually need something pointed out or located and it saves time for me to be there rather than having to keep calling me about it.

We might be getting those kinds of meters for the water meters before long. They also want to put up "smart meters" for the power system, but I really don't like the idea of that.

When a tradesperson is doing work on my house, I ask if it is Ok if I watch. I am paying $$$ and don't want him to be nervous & less efficient. I only talk if he does. Only one fellow said he used to be nervous, but had gotten used to the resident watching. (he was a younger fellow, working for the gas company, instaling a device to send a meter reading via the phone lines

August 30, 2009

"When a tradesperson is doing work on my house, I ask if it is Ok if I watch. I am paying $$$ and don't want him to be nervous & less efficient. I only talk if he does. Only one fellow said he used to be nervous, but had gotten used to the resident watching. (he was a younger fellow, working for the gas company, instaling a device to send a meter reading via the phone lines)."

Tradespeople often charge by the hour, and if they can stretch one hour into two by conversing, they will. Usually when I hire people for anything, it is because even though I know what needs to be done and how to do it, I don't have the equipment to do it, and renting the equipment would cost more than paying a contractor to do it. Oftentimes, I have done the job before with someone else at someone else's house, so I have a good idea of how long a job takes and whether or not a contractor is wasting time. So I get a contractor and then try to make sure he works efficiently.

Most home improvement projects and fix it jobs are things I know how to do, so it is very rare that I hire anyone for anything.

"When an life insurance agent etc wanted to meet at our house, I would either say NO we meet at office or we find someone else, or I would put a firm stop to their requisite pitter patter of small talk when they arrived, seat them at a table, sit down and say: let's get to business. (I am the consumer here! and in MY territiry)(I realize that NT's seem to find small talk helps to relax and unwind, but it winds me up in a negative way."

You are wise. It is a good idea NEVER to have anyone come to your home and try to sell you anything. Studies show that home visits are more likely to cause people to buy from vendors than if people went to the vendor's place of business.

The reason for this is manifold:

1) A vendor's office may be too hot or cold, or styled in an unappealing way, or too bright or too dim, or have a funny smell. So customers might not want to stay long for that reason alone. At home, a person is more likely to relax and wait patiently for a vendor to get through his sales spiel.

2) At a vendor's business, there may be people around waiting in line, and so vendors have to operate faster to take care of customers before they lose them. At home, there is only the vendor and the buyer, and the buyer can ask as many questions as s/he wants until s/he is compelled to buy something.

3) A person can leave the vendor's office at any time for any reason. At home, a person may feel rude trying to kick out the vendor.

4) At a vendor's office, the vendor has to guess what the house needs, so the vendor is forced to sell the product based on the product's own merit, but at home, the vendor can see the house and can make convincing, yet spurious arguments about why the house needs the product.

5) If it is a matter of insurance, at a vendor's place, the vendor is forced to make due with the information you give him or her, but at home, the vendor can look at pictures of family and appeal to your emotions, or can look at your property, and overvalue it.

6) At a vendor's, you have the option of taking the materials they may offer and thinking about the purchase. At home, the vendor will sit there while you nervously review the materials and try to get you to buy quickly.

7) If you are buying something like carpeting or blinds or flooring, you can go to the vendors and look at their entire selection. At home, you can only look at the samples they bring, and the samples they bring may be the most expensive items.

8) If you go to a vendor, you can then leave and go to see what other vendors have. At home, you have no basis for comparison unless the vendor is willing to leave all their samples with you so that you can call in another vendor to see what their samples are like.

9) At the vendor's, you may not like the salesperson and can leave. At home, you have to deal with who you get, YOU wind up feeling bad because of how you feel about the vendor, and you might be inclined to buy something out of pity.

10) People tend to think of business establishments like stores where you can browse and leave, but at home, people feel that if someone went to all the trouble of coming over, a person ought to buy something from them to make the trip worth their while.

11) If a business can afford to send salespeople to your house and spend an entire afternoon trying to make a sale, they must have a huge sales staff which costs money in both pay and benefits, and they have to make up for this cost somehow. Where do they do it? The price of what their selling you. Chances are it will be more than what you would pay if you went into their place of business. If the price is identical or cheaper, there may be something wrong. There may be hidden fees or the credit they offer may mean lower payments, but over a very lengthy piece of time.

12) You cannot trust anyone that you admit to your home. Just because a person may be an insurance salesman does not mean that he isn't casing your house while he is selling you insurance. Something to consider: Investment officers at banks either get paid on commission, or are paid a flat salary which is comparable to any other customer service rep. Investment reps from regular insurance companies probably get paid the same. So they are not making much, and stand much to gain from robbing you.

13) (Raven's inclusion) They can just as easily send you all the information by mail of by e-mail so you can do the research at your leisure, and if they won't do this, there must be something wrong with what they are offerring.

14) (Raven's inclusion) If you don't buy from a salesperson that is in your home and they feel you have wasted their time while they have been giving their presentation, they may feel like getting even by putting in an anonymous phone call to chiold protective services if you have children or the humane society if you have animals. The reason being that you took up their time so they will take up yours.

Administrator

August 30, 2009

wrote;excerpted; (with inclusions from Raven)It is a good idea NEVER to have anyone come to your home and try to

sell you anything. Studies show that home visits are more likely to

cause people to buy from vendors than if people went to the vendor's

place of business.My reply:So I am not paranoid, about who i have over, as some friends have said, just cautious.Points 12 and 14 are particularly chilling!ON an amusing note, relating to point 3.... At home, a person may feel rude trying to kick out the vendor. ....When we were young and rather naive, we would accept a vendor coming to our house to demo a product, usually a vacuum cleaner. (and would get a 'free prize' as part of the 'deal' for evaluating the product. The last demo we agreed to, when we spoke with a rep over the phone, I asked 'how long will the demo take, she said "20 minutes' So my hubby and I agreed before the rep arrived that we would ask no questions, give mono sylabic answers if he asked questions, let the rep do his speel, and after 20 minutes I would tell him 'time's up.'We stuck to our plan, After 20 minutes, I said' times up, pack up and leave' he acted flustered and said he was not

done his demo. I said 'your offcie told me 20 minutes', he claimed to not be aware of that. I said 'your employers' communication problems are NOT my problem, leave now.' he argued, and said If he left before completing the demo, he would not get paid.I told him 'pack up and go NOW, or I will throw your vacuum out the door, and you will follow it.'He sat like a mute sheep, so my hubby said 'she means it, GO.'The fellow left. THAT is the last demo i agreed to in my home, probably 20 years ago.IN retrospect the situation DOES sound ratrher childish, at the time we thought it was hilarious.rl'My cat Rusty is a servant of the Living God....'adapted from a poem by SmartFrom: environmental1st2003 <no_reply >Subject: Re: Autistic and looking for loveTo: FAMSecretSociety Received: Saturday, August 29, 2009, 4:47 PM