Re: Breaking down

[Guest guest]

Cut back on anything you don't have to do. Make meals as simple as possible.

If she showers every night, see if she can do it without soap or every other

night so that you aren't facing the problem every day. When necessary, we let

our dd brush her teeth outside the bathroom so that it would get done. We still

have to supervise getting her to use the bathroom as she will put it off so long

(to avoid the washing) that it becomes a problem. Cut back on your expectations

of her until she is doing better. We let our dd go to therapy in her nightgown

if that's what it took to get her there.

Try to find even a little time for yourself to help you deal with this difficult

time, and try to find a little time to connect, if possible, with your dd on

something other than OCD battles. Last summer, my dd told me, " you don't care

about anything other than my OCD. " I was spending so much time dealing with

that that I didn't have energy for anything else.

Hang in there. Things will get better. Come here to vent, ask questions, etc.

(mom w/OCD, 9 yo dd w/OCD)

>

> Subject: Breaking down

> To:

> Date: Wednesday, March 3, 2010, 12:10 AM

>

> I don't know how you all do it. Should I REALLY have to

> brush my 9 year olds teeth? Should I REALLY have to wash her

> in the shower? She's been doing these things by herself for

> years. At this point I refuse to take it that far, but I

> feel like that might be easier than the drama and craziness

> that comes from getting her to do it herself. Seems like

> since I talked with her and told her that she may have OCD

> and I have been understanding and encouraging, she has

> gotten worse. There used to be good nights, or one thing a

> night, but now for the last few nights it has been every

> step of getting ready for bed. On the one hand I want to say

> she is manipulating me, on the other she truly seems very

> distraught. (She stayed the night at my moms over the

> weekend and I know the change in routine may have a lot to

> do with it. No more overnights!!!!) We have always been very

> consistant parents and our kids have appropriate

> consequences for thier actions however, I regret not being

> more

> understanding in the past and I certainly don't want to

> make that mistake again. I only have so much patience and I

> don't know what else to do!!!! I spoke with her teacher

> tonight and she hasn't had any problems at school. What do

> you do on those nights where you're tired from working all

> day, you have 20 other things pulling you in other

> directions and you just don't have the patience to handle

> having to walk your 9 year old through everything she does?

> Next Tuesday can't come soon enough!

>

> Heidi

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Seidi-

 

Some of us do it better than others (I am NOT one of those however) and we all

get frustrated and tired - your daughter is probably unaware that her OCD is

manipulating you (and her) - if you are not yet taking her to a thereapist,

please try to find one for both your sakes.  When my daughter was going through

her " tic-check' phase I finally refusred to do it one day - as is often the case

her anxiety moved in another direction.  Hindsight is always 20-20 - there are

so many questions I would have answered diferently if I knew my daughter was

developing OCD at the time.  Now she is 16 - when she says the brand new winter

jacket is contaminated and she has nothing to wear to wear to school I say " oh

well, thats  a shame "  After replacing her bedroom furniture three times over

the past 7 years and having holes in my underpants while I  replaced and

replaced her wardrobe - I'm done.  She refuses to participate in group or ERP,

fine that's her

decision, but I am not throwing any more money at this until she does.  The

point I am trying to make is - it's better for her if I let her know she's in

control, she makes decisions, they have consequences, and she can always change

her mind and participate in therapy - but I will not enable her disease anymore.

 

Hope this helps

M

 

Subject: Breaking down

To:

Date: Wednesday, March 3, 2010, 12:10 AM

 

I don't know how you all do it. Should I REALLY have to brush my 9 year olds

teeth? Should I REALLY have to wash her in the shower? She's been doing these

things by herself for years. At this point I refuse to take it that far, but I

feel like that might be easier than the drama and craziness that comes from

getting her to do it herself. Seems like since I talked with her and told her

that she may have OCD and I have been understanding and encouraging, she has

gotten worse. There used to be good nights, or one thing a night, but now for

the last few nights it has been every step of getting ready for bed. On the one

hand I want to say she is manipulating me, on the other she truly seems very

distraught. (She stayed the night at my moms over the weekend and I know the

change in routine may have a lot to do with it. No more overnights!! !!) We have

always been very consistant parents and our kids have appropriate consequences

for thier actions however, I

regret not being more understanding in the past and I certainly don't want to

make that mistake again. I only have so much patience and I don't know what else

to do!!!! I spoke with her teacher tonight and she hasn't had any problems at

school. What do you do on those nights where you're tired from working all day,

you have 20 other things pulling you in other directions and you just don't have

the patience to handle having to walk your 9 year old through everything she

does? Next Tuesday can't come soon enough!

Heidi

[Guest guest]

Isn't it awful! I am so sorry. Learning to parent a child with extreme OCD was

one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I am sure we still have more to

learn. It is not a natural style of parenting, but it can be learned & with

practice, will come to seem quite normal and empowering. I just posted about

ERP - but I wanted to add here, that no, long term, you don't have to do all

those things for your child. And long term they will not help anyway. They are

called accomodations, and then tend to feed the OCD. In the short term, you

can't just withdraw - you need a good therapy plan that is agreed up and

carefully practiced by both you and your daughter. But with some hard work, you

can teach her to be able to do this again on her own.

I guess on those rough nights, I usually got out a book on OCD and desperately

alternated between reading & crying & doing a plan for the next day. It's

really hard, and I hope you have support for yourself as well. It'll be hard to

really know this now, but it does get much easier, and there is so much hope for

all of our children. I'm sorry you are both going through this.

A great book for a parent to read, if you need one is Aureen Wagners " What to do

when your child has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder " .

If you (or anyone else) needs a referral to a good ERP therapist that is good

with kids, feel free to post here, or go to the OCD Foundation's website.

All my best - in NC

>

>

> I don't know how you all do it. Should I REALLY have to brush my 9 year olds

teeth? Should I REALLY have to wash her in the shower? She's been doing these

things by herself for years. At this point I refuse to take it that far, but I

feel like that might be easier than the drama and craziness that comes from

getting her to do it herself. Seems like since I talked with her and told her

that she may have OCD and I have been understanding and encouraging, she has

gotten worse. There used to be good nights, or one thing a night, but now for

the last few nights it has been every step of getting ready for bed. On the one

hand I want to say she is manipulating me, on the other she truly seems very

distraught. (She stayed the night at my moms over the weekend and I know the

change in routine may have a lot to do with it. No more overnights!!!!) We have

always been very consistant parents and our kids have appropriate consequences

for thier actions however, I regret not being more understanding in the past and

I certainly don't want to make that mistake again. I only have so much patience

and I don't know what else to do!!!! I spoke with her teacher tonight and she

hasn't had any problems at school. What do you do on those nights where you're

tired from working all day, you have 20 other things pulling you in other

directions and you just don't have the patience to handle having to walk your 9

year old through everything she does? Next Tuesday can't come soon enough!

>

> Heidi

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It really sounds like a major increase in anxiety.

I recently increased my daughter's zoloft for the same

reason. She was able to take her shower at 7pm by herself

but then she started going up there and just sitting and

spacing out.

I have a homework pass in place. It is a necessity. I can't

be doing so much assisting and try to get homework done.

This has been in place since the fall.

If she needs the help with hygiene,she needs it.But then the plan has

to be to work toward indepence again. Step by step. Today

you help her wash but tommorrow she brushes her teeth.

When she can brush her teeth by herself a few days then add another

task can be added. This is the way we work ourselves out of these

issues.

I would work on reducing her anxiety though either with

medication, less stress at school, a homework pass, or

more down time after school etc.

Pam

>

>

> I don't know how you all do it. Should I REALLY have to brush my 9 year olds

teeth? Should I REALLY have to wash her in the shower? She's been doing these

things by herself for years. At this point I refuse to take it that far, but I

feel like that might be easier than the drama and craziness that comes from

getting her to do it herself. Seems like since I talked with her and told her

that she may have OCD and I have been understanding and encouraging, she has

gotten worse. There used to be good nights, or one thing a night, but now for

the last few nights it has been every step of getting ready for bed. On the one

hand I want to say she is manipulating me, on the other she truly seems very

distraught. (She stayed the night at my moms over the weekend and I know the

change in routine may have a lot to do with it. No more overnights!!!!) We have

always been very consistant parents and our kids have appropriate consequences

for thier actions however, I regret not being more understanding in the past and

I certainly don't want to make that mistake again. I only have so much patience

and I don't know what else to do!!!! I spoke with her teacher tonight and she

hasn't had any problems at school. What do you do on those nights where you're

tired from working all day, you have 20 other things pulling you in other

directions and you just don't have the patience to handle having to walk your 9

year old through everything she does? Next Tuesday can't come soon enough!

>

> Heidi

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sometimes with OCD, I tried to relate in ways I could. Compare some moods,

stress, preferences, etc., to 's not having control over his OCD.

Like with menstrual periods, I could have months in a row where I'd get moody (I

called it my bipolar week - it was that bad; and hope those dealing with bipolar

in family don't take offense, but moods were up/down, emotional, bad mood...).

And when all 3 sons were younger (grown now), I had my " rule " to leave me alone

for the first 30 min I was home from work as getting " smacked in the face " with

problems/questions the first 60 seconds they saw me was not the best thing to do

and not likely to result in the answers you want. (but yeah, we said " hi " , " how

was your day " etc.; but first let me change clothes, get a cup of coffee, sit

down and breathe a bit, LOL).

And I smoke (no lectures please). So out on a shopping trip with 3 sons and

after 2.5 hours or so I am wanting a cigarette (not that they may not have added

to that need with testing my patience) and I feel myself just being...irritated,

less patient and a short break with a cigarette will fix that. Point being

getting irritated due to my need for nicotine. Speaking of which, I'm grumpy in

the morning before my coffee too, do NOT run out of coffee!

And when I was pregnant -- oh the emotional rollercoaster! First time I thought

" well I won't go through all that, if I start to I will tell myself it's just

because I'm pregnant, it's hormones, and I will retain control and NOT get

emotional, whatever. HA! I had no control, LOL. Whew! I didn't even attempt

that logic with following pregnancy.

And when I got my birth control pills switched. I had been on one type many

years and then got switched (first quit working right, messed up my periods).

Took me maybe a couple months to realize that it was the new pills that had me

feeling daily like just punching someone in the face (really!). I realized it,

stopped the pills, and went back to being my nice, sweet self almost immediately

and didn't feel like hitting anyone (luckily that was years before any kids; and

I didn't hit anyone, just really, really wanted to).

So -- just ways I tried to empathize with what was going through with

OCD bossing him around and causing shorter temper or tears or frustration,

anxiety and having to obey OCD to relieve the anxiety, etc. Sometimes it's hard

to be in control 24 hours.

>

> Great insight and suggestions, .

>

> It's hard, Heidi. OCD will test your patience to the MAX. The thing that

helped me to let go of some of the frustration, (notice I said " some " , because

OCD is frustrating) was to realize our son was in the grip of OCD at that given

time and didn't know how to get himself out of it. It's a balance of enabling

if it's too hard for

[Guest guest]

Okay, I'm laughing my behind off picturing you, with a cigarette in one

hand, a cup of coffee in the other, and a menacing look on your face as your

hormones surge, with your teenage boys cringing and rolling their eyes across

the room. rofl

Yep, we all have our moods and moments. . I can only imagine how much harder it

is to have OCD bossing you around too, on top of that.

BJ

> >

> > Great insight and suggestions, .

> >

> > It's hard, Heidi. OCD will test your patience to the MAX. The thing that

helped me to let go of some of the frustration, (notice I said " some " , because

OCD is frustrating) was to realize our son was in the grip of OCD at that given

time and didn't know how to get himself out of it. It's a balance of enabling

if it's too hard for

>

[Guest guest]

BJ, well I'm sure they rolled their eyes! As much as I would have liked them to

" cringe " so they'd listen to me (i.e, do as I said), as teens they all got

taller than me (except ) so I wasn't so intimidating.

> > >

> > > Great insight and suggestions, .

> > >

> > > It's hard, Heidi. OCD will test your patience to the MAX. The thing that

helped me to let go of some of the frustration, (notice I said " some " , because

OCD is frustrating) was to realize our son was in the grip of OCD at that given

time and didn't know how to get himself out of it. It's a balance of enabling

if it's too hard for

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, I know what you mean. Boys do that. It's hard to be intimidating when you

have to look up at them.

BJ

>

> BJ, well I'm sure they rolled their eyes! As much as I would have liked them

to " cringe " so they'd listen to me (i.e, do as I said), as teens they all got

taller than me (except ) so I wasn't so intimidating.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your support, advice and encouragement. It really does help,

especially since we don't even have a solid diagnosis yet!

Today was much better then last night. I had my 9 year old daughter brush her

teeth at the same time as I brushed my 4 year old sons teeth and she just

followed along with us and it was so much better! I would highly reccommend this

method to anyone who may be having the same problem with teeth brushing. Even

just to have them follow along while you brush your own teeth. It worked

wonders.

Taking a shower just isn't going to work that way however, LOL! Guess we'll have

to figure out something else there. Showers are 3 times a week, so cutting back

on them isn't an option.

Anyways, I really appreciate the feedback. I'm learning a lot from all of your

posts. Joined a group on Facebook too, but no one ever seems to be on there. I

like this one! Thanks again.

Heidi

[Guest guest]

Heidi, do you think she might have a fear of the shower? Just wondering. When

our son Josh was younger (maybe 6 0r 7), he was afraid to be in the bathroom

alone while in the shower. On busy, crazy nights I would just put him the

shower with his Dad. Other times, I would sit in the bathroom and keep him

distracted by talking to him while he showered, to keep his mind

active/distracted and not thinking about whatever it was that made him fearful.

Sometimes we would make a game out of it, with me timing him to see how fast he

could wash his hair, etc. Or we would play games with math or something, where

he would get to ask me a math problem, then I would ask him... Or spelling

words. . Even 20 questions. Anything to try to lighten the mood.

He also used to go into the bathrooms and leave all the shower curtains open.

He was worried someone was in there and needed them to be open so he could see

whenever he was near them. Do you think it could be something like that with

her? Just trying to think what could be happening and what might help.

It's so hard to know what is going on inside their heads sometimes. They have

all the typical childhood fears on top of the OCD thoughts.

BJ

>

>

> Thank you all for your support, advice and encouragement. It really does help,

especially since we don't even have a solid diagnosis yet!

> Today was much better then last night. I had my 9 year old daughter brush her

teeth at the same time as I brushed my 4 year old sons teeth and she just

followed along with us and it was so much better! I would highly reccommend this

method to anyone who may be having the same problem with teeth brushing. Even

just to have them follow along while you brush your own teeth. It worked

wonders.

> Taking a shower just isn't going to work that way however, LOL! Guess we'll

have to figure out something else there. Showers are 3 times a week, so cutting

back on them isn't an option.

> Anyways, I really appreciate the feedback. I'm learning a lot from all of your

posts. Joined a group on Facebook too, but no one ever seems to be on there. I

like this one! Thanks again.

>

> Heidi

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Very interesting thought! I know taking a little portable cd player in there and

listening to music while she showered used to help. She doesn't say that she is

afraid. She says she is worried that she isn't getting her body clean enough. I

will have to ask her if any of that is going on though. Thank you! =)

Heidi

Re: Breaking down

Heidi, do you think she might have a fear of the shower? Just wondering. When

our son Josh was younger (maybe 6 0r 7), he was afraid to be in the bathroom

alone while in the shower. On busy, crazy nights I would just put him the shower

with his Dad. Other times, I would sit in the bathroom and keep him distracted

by talking to him while he showered, to keep his mind active/distracted and not

thinking about whatever it was that made him fearful. Sometimes we would make a

game out of it, with me timing him to see how fast he could wash his hair, etc.

Or we would play games with math or something, where he would get to ask me a

math problem, then I would ask him... Or spelling words. . Even 20 questions.

Anything to try to lighten the mood.

He also used to go into the bathrooms and leave all the shower curtains open. He

was worried someone was in there and needed them to be open so he could see

whenever he was near them. Do you think it could be something like that with

her? Just trying to think what could be happening and what might help.

It's so hard to know what is going on inside their heads sometimes. They have

all the typical childhood fears on top of the OCD thoughts.

BJ

>

>

> Thank you all for your support, advice and encouragement. It really does help,

especially since we don't even have a solid diagnosis yet!

> Today was much better then last night. I had my 9 year old daughter brush her

teeth at the same time as I brushed my 4 year old sons teeth and she just

followed along with us and it was so much better! I would highly reccommend this

method to anyone who may be having the same problem with teeth brushing. Even

just to have them follow along while you brush your own teeth. It worked

wonders.

> Taking a shower just isn't going to work that way however, LOL! Guess we'll

have to figure out something else there. Showers are 3 times a week, so cutting

back on them isn't an option.

> Anyways, I really appreciate the feedback. I'm learning a lot from all of your

posts. Joined a group on Facebook too, but no one ever seems to be on there. I

like this one! Thanks again.

>

> Heidi

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That does sound more like contamination stuff, or even the " doubting " that OCD

causes.

I had forgotten that Josh used to do that too. . With the music, even up to a

few years ago (when his anxiety was high), to help him focus on something else

while in the shower.

If it used to help her, it sure worth trying again. )

BJ

> >

> >

> > Thank you all for your support, advice and encouragement. It really does

help, especially since we don't even have a solid diagnosis yet!

> > Today was much better then last night. I had my 9 year old daughter brush

her teeth at the same time as I brushed my 4 year old sons teeth and she just

followed along with us and it was so much better! I would highly reccommend this

method to anyone who may be having the same problem with teeth brushing. Even

just to have them follow along while you brush your own teeth. It worked

wonders.

> > Taking a shower just isn't going to work that way however, LOL! Guess we'll

have to figure out something else there. Showers are 3 times a week, so cutting

back on them isn't an option.

> > Anyways, I really appreciate the feedback. I'm learning a lot from all of

your posts. Joined a group on Facebook too, but no one ever seems to be on

there. I like this one! Thanks again.

> >

> > Heidi

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your feedback on this! The encouragement help so much!

Heidi

Re: Breaking down

Isn't it awful! I am so sorry. Learning to parent a child with extreme OCD was

one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I am sure we still have more to

learn. It is not a natural style of parenting, but it can be learned & with

practice, will come to seem quite normal and empowering. I just posted about ERP

- but I wanted to add here, that no, long term, you don't have to do all those

things for your child. And long term they will not help anyway. They are called

accomodations, and then tend to feed the OCD. In the short term, you can't just

withdraw - you need a good therapy plan that is agreed up and carefully

practiced by both you and your daughter. But with some hard work, you can teach

her to be able to do this again on her own.

I guess on those rough nights, I usually got out a book on OCD and desperately

alternated between reading & crying & doing a plan for the next day. It's really

hard, and I hope you have support for yourself as well. It'll be hard to really

know this now, but it does get much easier, and there is so much hope for all of

our children. I'm sorry you are both going through this.

A great book for a parent to read, if you need one is Aureen Wagners " What to do

when your child has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder " .

If you (or anyone else) needs a referral to a good ERP therapist that is good

with kids, feel free to post here, or go to the OCD Foundation's website.

All my best - in NC

>

>

> I don't know how you all do it. Should I REALLY have to brush my 9 year olds

teeth? Should I REALLY have to wash her in the shower? She's been doing these

things by herself for years. At this point I refuse to take it that far, but I

feel like that might be easier than the drama and craziness that comes from

getting her to do it herself. Seems like since I talked with her and told her

that she may have OCD and I have been understanding and encouraging, she has

gotten worse. There used to be good nights, or one thing a night, but now for

the last few nights it has been every step of getting ready for bed. On the one

hand I want to say she is manipulating me, on the other she truly seems very

distraught. (She stayed the night at my moms over the weekend and I know the

change in routine may have a lot to do with it. No more overnights!!!!) We have

always been very consistant parents and our kids have appropriate consequences

for thier actions however, I regret not bein g more understanding in the past

and I certainly don't want to make that mistake again. I only have so much

patience and I don't know what else to do!!!! I spoke with her teacher tonight

and she hasn't had any problems at school. What do you do on those nights where

you're tired from working all day, you have 20 other things pulling you in other

directions and you just don't have the patience to handle having to walk your 9

year old through everything she does? Next Tuesday can't come soon enough!

>

> Heidi

>

>

>