(Hilary)

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks so much, I just emailed her. I think it is a great idea too. Take care,

both of you!

Love Always,

________________________________

From: Stillsdisease on behalf of Hitchcock

Sent: Sun 10/16/2005 8:12 PM

To: Stillsdisease

Subject: same age to KATE VASQUEZ

Hi Kate,

I just read your post and told my daughter she will be 19 in November and

also has STILLS . We leave in Olympia Wa. Anyway she ask me to give you her

email address .

also knows about giving up things she loves. Her email address is.

gymnast_16@... I hope you email her I think it would do you both good.

( mom)

Kate Vasquez wrote:

Caroline,

I want to thank you for your email. It came from love and care and I truly

appreciate it. I really am not sure how I would be doing without all of you, and

I am not sure I want to. The coffee shop is called " The Service Station " on

Nevada in Spokane, just south of Hawthorne Road (well it is North Spokane if you

will).

The truth is, is that there is no real need right now for SS, and my parents

don't want to stress me, so they tell me it is better than it is. I know

however, I am smarter than they like to realize sometimes, that without medical

insurance, medicine, doctors appointments, hospitalizations, etc will eat up our

money really quickly, especially if I keep going to school at this rate. I am

not necessarily worried...just aware of the situation. I know it will be ok, but

that doesn't mean it isn't a little scary.

In terms of life and school and work, I will be ok there too. I know that. That

isn't the problem. I am just hurt. I just want to grieve a little, and no one

here is really letting me do that.

They don't see how much I have lost already, and I am only 19. How much more do

I have left to lose? They are all too young, so to speak, to know what loss is.

How do you explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it? You can't really.

They can sympathize, but not empathize.

Some of them want me to talk about it sometimes, but then I do, and they just

sit there. They don't know what to do. I leave them speechless. There is so much

they don't know; they just can't comprehend at this point in their lives, and

that has been hard on me in this whole process.

Where do I turn in the middle of the night when I have cold sweats and my mind

is awake and I am too achy to get out of bed, and I lie there, going, " This

sucks...I don't want to play anymore. " I turn to God. I know that. But, God only

satisfies the spiritual need. What about that human contact? Where do I get that

from while everyone here cracks jokes about how easy my life is because I only

have five credits right now? They see me in bed most of the day and think that

is a good thing...that I am lucky. I don't want to be the mean, bitter girl that

tells them how life really is...I try nicely, but it gets me nowhere. I keep

turning my cheek and I swear my TMJ gets worse and worse than it already is.

I tried the counselor here. Bad choice. Stills...what is that? So I spend an

hour trying to explain and she just sits there, not knowing what to say...boy

did I give her a run for her money. Ahhh...I don't know. I just need to vent,

and then I am happy again, and then I remember that this isn't much fun. Like

fall break is coming, and everyone is going camping in Canada. I would love to

go, but where do I get ice to keep my shots cold? Will I remember to take my

meds, I usually don't when I camp. What if I flare, where will we go? I will

ruin the fun...and I don't want to be that girl. Simple things that my friends

can do without thinking, is a whole entire ordeal for me. They don't get it, and

I think that is why I am so bitter lately. It isn't the fact that I am

experiencing loss, but that no one really sees it as a loss, no one truly

understands how it makes me feel every time something like this happens.

Anyways, thanks for listening and helping...I will go to the websites when there

is time and energy. I am just frustrated with this community here and at home

and have no where to really turn except up and here, which isn't a bad thing, it

is just weird. These people didn't used to have to see Stills in order to

believe my life is challenging in ways they can't comprehend, and now they do.

What happened? Why does it frustrate me when they complain about a test, while I

sit here wondering if today is " the day. " You know, the day I can't get out of

bed, and I need to go to the ER. It is frustrating to listen to " trivial " things

that they complain about 24-7, even after I explained how hard it is for me to

show as much empathy as they need because I am not doing well at all...they just

still keep on doing it. Is it hard for you to listen to people complain about

what to us is " trivial " ?

Ok, gtg, have homework. Seriously, thanks for listening. Take care. God bless!

P.S. I have play dough!!!!

Love Always,