what is left is my journaling to God

[Guest guest]

Today is of a day of silent words within me. Words are of a strange

thing God; they come with meaning, or they dance in my head, and

other days they are barricaded from escaping or entering my being at

all. Intrigued by words, I to watch the mouths of others intensely

by how words come and are formed and how the words flow from them

like a river and mine is like a dam, both move, but one is smooth

flowing the way words were intended to come, and mine rushes and

floods people with a mighty force and rapid shifts, and or my words

forbidden, barricaded find escape in other fashions and yet when

they come from me they are different, leaking out in dribbles and

unpredictable fashions. Internally I have no desire to bring forth

words at all, but to survive; words must come, to connect; words

must come, to find my own voice; words must come. I to use to feel

within me God that words have to be spoken but you have shown me

words can come for me more easily in written form and this is of an

outlet to me. It is of a strong force that allows a freeing of

my " soul thoughts " to be set free.

Words, Yes I hear them echoing from other's, their words mumbling

around me, and yet not registering, as if hearing them while under a

body of water. But not coming to me with real regards to meaning and

so I just tune out the mumbling as uneventful ramblings. And if the

words are directed to me as in an expectation to perform in ways

that are not natural to me, it builds an intense sense of anxiety

within me. Causing a surging within me of an emotional explosion and

fearful of my reactions, I to shut down and avoid the task and or

interaction at all cost.

Rages come and go too, like labor pains within me, strong and then

fading away to only emerge again but never coming to the place of

actually delivering out the imprisoned rage within me. Rage to all

the injustice, rage to all the suffering, the lies, the rejection

the cruel isolation barricaded from loving and being, or being loved

and being a part of, both ways I to feel a deep sense of loss.

Expectations accumulate and build like a huge mountain of task all

expected of me and yet inside of me a child exists without the

skills to perform the tasks with success and yet punished or judged

all the same for not meeting the expectations others always place on

me. I to want to run, to scream, to end it all, and yet find no real

place of refuge for the soul of me to find that safe place that

allows me to be me as I am without the judgments condemning me for

not matching up to their expectations.

Anger seething because all I ever to wanted is the safe of a fathers

arms, the love of a mothers words and the spiritual guidance from

both. I to want parents to teach me about life and the rights and

wrongs of it. I to want a sense of belonging, and to be embraced as

in family. But this is a forbidden place for me. It is of a reality

that shatters my soul and yet a reality of dreams that never will be

for me.

I try to do parenting and it consumes me making believe that I can

be like others and it's taking its toll to me. I to find I to fail

at much of the things I set to do in life. Failing the marriage,

failing the children and failing at life. All failures to me that

smother the life out of me at times and yet now a grand baby is

being formed by the Grace of God to join our family and I worry what

can I to give her , what can I to teach her and will she too see me

as a failure in life to her. Will she be angry to me for not being

all she needs, too?

I seek because I feel the expectations there for me to do so, and

yet the only one in life I to feel even comes close to seeing my

worth and my strength in trying is my special friend in life. He

does not condemn of me and when in hims presence I feel accepted and

safe and warm inside, I to imagine this must be what it feels like

to be a baby cradled in a loving gentle parents arms, but I to lack

that feel of security so can only imagine it. He is of the father I

to feel never will have, he is the big brother that I to long for,

and he is of the friend that causes me to feel real in life. He is

many things to me, and yet he is of a strong barricaded, forbidden

person to me. For no matter the want of to seek him as in a role to

me of being ever present in my life as a friend outside of that room

it will never be and this too causes me to have a deep sense of

forbidden friendship to him. It is not that I to see him as you a

God, nor do I to have of the feel of not right thinking of him , as

this is not a place that ever enters my heart or mind. He is with a

wife and has of children all his own and it deeply builds my sense

of safe to him because he in odd fashions role models to me a strong

way in which a man should be in life. Dedicated , loving, caring,

gentle are all things he models to me and it helps me cling to this

safe in life when none other has ever been shown to me of this

character in a person. He illuminates your Grace to me and it is of

the most profound safe he models to me. He is everything I to dream

of often in want from my own father and never will have in life.

I to wonder God, if you sended him to me for a reason outside of the

knowing I to have of him so far. Is there a purpose for him to cross

of my life path?

I to feel locked or encased as in a glass coffin and can see out

from it, and yet as if buried alive and smothering, seeing hope

outside the glass casket but all of life outside the encased box is

forbidden of me since birth and I to lack why? Why is it that some

are born of this life and made to feel as if they are being punished

simply for being born. I to sometimes have of tears to those little

children murdered and abused so greatly in life to not have survived

and it brings me great tears at times but now have come to a place

to see that instead they are freed from this life prison and yet I

to not be allowed to escape of it. I to lack why some appear to have

of a mercy shadowing of them and others are left as vulnerable prey

to life and so for this feel never will come to this place of escape

I to seek. Nor never coming to terms with understanding this

injustice that is of foreign to me.

Sometimes fear consumes me because can hear the death whispers

whispering to me , beckoning me to come and seek it, but the heart

of me looks back and sees the children I to birthed ,the special

friend in my life , and the husband and I to try to force the

whisperings to go away , but at times they consume me. It makes me

feel as if mad within me, and simply trying to live out a lie that I

am not autistic at all, but crazy and retarded and this is why I

cant make life work for me. I to lack God why my birth was of

important and why was I allowed to be formed and created to live

here. I to be one born to live in pain and feel as if will die in

the same heart ways . Forgive my anger for this but I to feel anger

to you for allowing me to be born of this cruel world. Sometimes I

to want to give back my ticket to heaven because of the anger, and

other times trying to understand this message others are trying to

teach this stupid soul in regards to you and why you have done the

things you have and why you are of God in of itself. I to want to

understand you but feel this brain I was born with barricades me

from grasping the things I to seek in regards to you.

Some tell me what appears to be truth of you and others tell me the

opposite and I read and read and never seem to connect what is the

truth of it all and why that you love me so much because every one

tells me that and yet I to lack feeling the love and or embracing

because life dictates to me a rejection and so cant feel loved or

embraced except for the special friend, I to feel it flow from him

to me, and from some of hims workers to me, but since you are not of

flesh maybe you are of the Love coming from them and this is how you

are of loving me and embracing me in life. I not know of that but

was thinking of this as I to allowed my fingers to come tap out the

words flowing from my brain this day.

Yet this is my ramblings to you God this day. I to wished could have

been born a different person, one who was borned to a family who

did care and was of gentle and caring and make me feel as my special

friend does in life. Yet reality is not a reality at all it is of

only an illusion for those who are barricaded from living. Yet some

of my church people teach me we are working in life not for the

living of our beings but for our physical death, because once the

physical death arrives our real living begins ….. this sounds

opposite and again no disrespect to you God but I to wonder if you

are not of autism too. You thinking at times seems very autistic to

me.

Sondra /January 10, 2006

Today I to mechanically did of my expectations of getting kids up

and to school and yet the soul of me feels void as if nothing exists

within the shell of me. I to feel nothing, nothing at all in an

emotional way, or maybe I to be feeling too much that my body is not

recognizing it as the pain, the numb pains, the pains that eat like

a cancer to me. What is this God, that consumes me like a deep fog,

where nothing is clear many days over and over? Is it of the autism

processing out of sync, or is it to be of a mental crazy way of

reacting to life, or am I of a being without a soul; crushed by

human beings who were also created by grace. Yet, still void to

existing, but forever seeking. What are the depths of my being for?

I to be confused of it, and wonder do I to really exist, or in true

is my life an illusion of distorted dreams, thinking I to exist but

am of void to connect to all of life in ways others do so easily.

I to have to go to the community this day and inside is of a battle,

a real battle of cant's and have too's. And if not, because cant,

will be punished for not doing the expected things of me in life

ways, ways that others to feel my being is able to do. It is of hard

to know which is right to them and which is of right to me. Yet

inside, I to force self to push past my fear, my anxiety of being

among people and it is of an all day things, things my brain can't

cope and yet other autistics do seek this and find success among

people. My true self is unable to be of this level and yet pushed

and forced to be because expectations are there but again I to not

match up, not even among my own culture of peoples. I to match up no

where.

This rejections and isolations is building, building a place within

me for a great catastrophe is looming for my emotional states and

yet I to play this game of Russian roulette with my life. The dreams

come and dictate of my fate. I to see self in the dream as outsider

looking in and can see the damage of the inner being taking its toll

when I to see dream-self , an empty image back to pre-autistic

states of no words and self absorbed into my own world no longer

able to connect and or have any desire within me too. What made me

to come out to a higher level was need for to survive and yet what

will encase me back is my lack of ability to survive. I to see it ,

I to sense the doom looming over head and I to be aware this bomb

ticking in me dictating to me that time is of the essence of when

the being will hold no more and yet I to try to fight and move

forward when in reality with in me I to not be moving ahead but

rapidly backwards to a different place, but a familiar place one I

to knowed of and existed in and yet parts of me seek to embrace it

freeing me from life expectations to perform at levels cant and yet

parts of me is of fearful of it, aware of it and its whisperings to

me that the great fall is on the edge of survival for me. Autism is

not a personal choice of being so cant will self to be to return of

the autistic state of my childhood cant will that at all, but trauma

has a way of severing the soul from the mind and so for this I to

feel will regress to a state of no connecting, for the fear of

connecting means trauma to me. It is best to retreat to my own inner

ways of finding comfort within self. In part it will mean being

consumed by the autism I was to be born with and consumed by the

trauma of my life which impacts a being of no soul left within the

shell. An empty place caused the by the hands of human beings

through my attempts to survive among them. Survival does not seem

like my ultimate goal anymore. Survival does not have the same

motivational drives for me to survive in life anymore. And for what

am I to be surviving for? Survival has been my curse and had I to

had any knowing this was of my curse early on would not have seeked

it as strongly as I to did all of the life of me. Yet God I to feel

you wanted of me to survive and I to lack why? What is it that you

seek from me?

Yet through all this I to still find ways to connect and do what I

can be to do to make changes and help and in so doing it will be the

ultimate death of me because the connect is to bring forth good and

yet not for me but for others, and at same time the connect for me

brings me closer to the day of doom, the day of death to Sondra as

others to knowed of me. Not a physical death at all but a soul

death, a being death, a death few understand but I to know of it

have felt its powers looming for so long. Metaphorically, there is

this rope with strong holding knots that I to cling too, sent to me

from the special friend in life and I to cling to those knots with

all my might and sometimes I to see people threatening me, trying to

take the knots from me and I to fight with all my might to cling and

not let go. For me it will not be an easy task for any to take of

my hands and clinging soul away from those knots for it will be met

with much fight of screams kicks and the tearing of the flesh of

self and the beings who to try. the ultimate soul death of Sondra

will be then for me, because there will be no fight left , no hope

left, and nothing for me to cling too.

God I to seek you wisdom to my soul and to help of me in life to be

strong enough to hold on. To give of me strength to learn how to

find hope in you alone, and yet so hard because can't see of you,

touch you, or feel of you reality within me. Yet told you exist and

my special friend is ever so smart to life and if he believes and

seeks out you in hims life and teaches me you are ever so true a

being then I to reach for this illusion of a hope that he shares to

me. It is not that I to not believe of you My God, it is that cant

see you, touch you or be held by you as in safe and loving ways and

I to seek it but cant obtain it because you are not of a flesh of a

being that my reality tells me exists in life in way my brain

understands. It is of like you are of a dream reality and one that

many say is of true that you exist but to me you exist as in dream

states or make believe states. Yet others speak of you as though you

live in flesh and are of their friend and I to want to know you of

that way too. The writing of this brings me to tears, tears come

when reality of things I to seek are of strong within me and I to

lack how to obtain it.

I to go to church as often as can because of the seeking and even

there so many changes my brain cant cope and yet to seek you have to

force self beyond the safe, the clear to me, the foundation is

always shattering and I to have no stable way to learn of things. It

makes of me angry and frustrated to points of self hurt and rage to

self for being so different and slow in life ways. Tired of walking

away in life pretending as though have understood for fear of being

seen as the birth family always seen of me. I to self protect by not

disclosing my ignorance daily. Fearful to share of my thinking for

fear it will be discovered of my inability to get life as people

assume of me.

I to look outside of my office window and see of the gray, much gray

world, and it is of rain and cool and the trees are not dancing but

moving as unsettled and it reminds me of my soul. A secret place of

unexpressed emotions, a place of hidden thoughts so very well

protected and yet for the first time I to allow them to come out

like vomit when one is ill and cant prevent the stopping of this

because it is of out of my control to do so. It comes in projectile

fashions spewing forth all the trapped words and emotions and

thinking as if the getting out will change any effect within me. I

to doubt of it but will allow the spewing of it anyways.

The tears have been to stop and fall back to there forbidden place.

Tears those unseen tears that have come all of life and no one felt

them , no one seen of them but I to want to believe that you my God

metaphorically have held onto them and caught everyone and never

walked away as humans do. I to pray that you felt my tears, and yet

all I to wanted for much years is to have a human being feel my

tears, few did briefly but then left me to survive on my own .

Walking out of my life as though had no emotion or worth so the end

was as alone as the begin; to survive on my own. And all the while

not knowing that maybe you my God was there feeling each and

everyone of my tears, I to wonder of what you did with my tears and

why you did not turn of my sad tears to tears of happy and peace.

What is of my purpose to endure mass of hidden tears ones that

saturated of my soul much of life and yet what outcomes did it serve

of me. Has it changed of me? Has it maked me a stronger person as

some to claim of me?

Is it part of a spiritual plan that I am of unaware of? Where do my

tears lead me God? I to lack and am of seeking from you.

Sondra /January 11, 2006

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*

The noise down stairs is so much loud right now and too much

movements and so find self retreating to my safe place here at the

computer. I to listen and find self angry to self for not being able

to join in and feel balanced sensory wise to join into their

laughter and play. I to try at times and my brain is so out of sync

afterwards it takes me a long time to mentally recover. Usually I

to try to interact but often find the noise gets too much and or the

movement is too confusing to me. And at times even painful words to

my differences cause me to retreat. I to be fearful of being seen

by my childrens as a different an outcast like society sees of me,

and or the negative the birth family sees of me. I to not want them

to see it in me, so fearful to the point of most often disconnecting

to my safe place for fear of failure in my children's eyes. Yet told

to connect to them in ways that others expect of me to do.

God there are of many woman who to want of children's and would have

ability to do so well. And yet for me I to not be of one of those

woman's so why was the womb open to me and closed to others I to

lack. I to not be of able to God, be of parent like I to want to

be, there is a barrier preventing it. Blocking me from gaining

access. I to see other parents have this magic in them and I to try

it and it does not work. I to see relating when I to see it between

infants even to thems mothers and yet I to lack how even such a

small child can do what my brain cannot be to do.

January 12, 2006 sondra

Today was hearing the song of " amazing grace " and while I to like of

the song I to lack its real meaning and yet the song can bring of

tears to me sometimes as it makes me have emotions I to not

understand within me. " Amazing grace how sweet the sound " . Maybe it

is of that way the words sound to me that produces that soft safe

but strong emotion of unknown to me that makes me feel something I

to lack but know it is there. It is like one aware of a presence but

yet not seeing or hearing of one. The part that to says " that saved

a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I am found, was blind but

now I see " . I to be think on them word smuch God and I ot

understand you are of the only way one can find salavation. If one

accepts you , you are given a special ticket to go to heaven and

when I to die an earthly physical death the angels will bring of me

my ticket so I can be to enter into heaven. I to want to enter in.

My heart thinks of heaven often and I to be almost feel its warmth

the sun from Heaven can bring and I can be to smell the heaven as if

the new earth of spring time, flowers in forever bloom and trees

forever the greenest it can ever be. The bird songs sing the most

best of songs with peace that radiates around the meadows. Where I

to see childrens playing and no fear of dangers to lurk after them ,

they are of safe to be of children , forever children of God, safe

and loved. I to see of the calm waters of the heaven oceans and the

warm sand full of shells that are not broken but sparkle much into

the sun lights. It is of a place where darkness never comes; it is

of the warm sun of spring and the place where peace is of seen and

felt everywhere. I to see of my heaven in my dream thinking of it

and so I to imagine it will have of the wonderful things I to

enjoyed here on earth in abundance there. NO waiting for a turn to

the swings or play things as the heart will want and it will be and

no one will be sad or rejected out as being different or not perfect

in Gods eyes. There will be no human thinking minds there as in

Earth where man judges and cast judgments from what their eyes see

instead of their hearts.

Yes Amazing Grace how sweet the sound I to be wonder on this today

God.

January 26, 2006 sondra williams

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***

Some say Sondra you need to learn to like of you self and who you

are in life. But I to ask of God how can one like self if they lack

who self is and what self is about. Some say God maked you and you

are of special and loved, but people of life tell me differently.

They see of my flaws they judge of me before knowing of me. They do

not take the risk to know me they reject me from very begin and it

leaves the heart of me uncertain of my own being. Life has this odd

double way of being, God metaphorically has a mirror and it reflects

hims trues , when I to look in the mirror I to see how God has

formed of me and how my heart is of not like others ways of being in

heart. I to like of the person I to be discovering. I to feel safe

and content when seeing self in that mirror, but at times people rip

me from that mirror and say here look this is the real truth of you.

I to look in and see an ugly person there. I to even look like a

person who is not smart. A person slow and not like others. I to

try to smile and think I to be but find my smile is a artificial

one, one I to be to put on the face of me when I to want to match up

and yet still find am not. I to not be matching up at all, and not

have the ability to do life as expected of me. I to see behind me

the angry peoples eyes to me, the shout words to me, the rejection

and condemnation of me for not being as they expect of me to be. I

to see people shoving me through life rushing me , pushing me aside

because I to be too slow and in their way. If I to cry am of told

you are acting like a baby, if I to shout out they say you are being

a brat and rude. If I to go silent then am told I to be purposely

trying to manipulate those around me. All wrongs and untrues of me

but people assume it as a truth and over time I to believe of it

too.

At my church the acting preacher person to speaked on this saying

that many are trying to fit in and to be to not be content with who

they are and try desperately to be others instead of self. God I to

understand of that and yet if I to be of true to self then none

would be to like of me , many more would fear of me and think of me

with negative eyes. Many more would be to try to intervene and teach

me to act like them and be like them and so over life have learned

to try to imitate of actions to fit in to some settings and be less

noticed. If I to let of my own brain ways of being come the people

would them be to try to find ways to keep me out of the sanctuary

and or find a secluded class in the back of the church somewhere

hidden away and not a part of. God I to be confused as to what is

the right and what is the true expectations you have set for me. If

born of autism is it then being biblically right obe of autism as

you have designed of me or should I to stuff who I to be born to be

to fit in and be to find a place of feeling as though a falsified

equal in the scheme of things. If I to be of self they maybe would

be to get of angry to me for running down front to see the Bell

people and the hearing of the THUNK they do with the big bells and

my want of to touch the shiny of the metal and to try to ring the

bells. They would not like of me to shout out my questions. They

would not like me to shout to the people for touching me or seeking

to shake of my hands. They would not like of me scream when changes

come that cause me fear or confusions. All things that are a part of

me and yet I to stuff them away because it leave me uncertain of

where my boundaries are. God how much is okay to be me and how much

do I to need to stuff away for sake of others. How much would they

be to understand is part of me and how I to be in life and created

by you as much as they and yet while they understand of social

behavior my brain does not it self restrains for sake of fear of

being punished for being self. FEAR is a mighty word. Many say we

are not to fear if we serve of God and while I to know this I to

have lived so much pains and uncertains that FEAR seems to be

ingrained within me. It is not a trait of a being but is like a arm

or leg of my being it is of a part of me that is as much a knowing

and familiar feel to me as my hands to my arms are. Fear produces

of the anxiety and the anxiety feeds the overload of neurology to me

and short circuits the functional abilities within me shutting

things down like a nuclear reaction. It is like a domino effect. One

things feeds another and another and until it shuts down my whole

system and I to be to find people are angry for me to do that too.

And yet that is like me to say to them if you have legs do not use

them ever . do not let you brain react to the tickling of you feet,

the stepping on a nail. DON'T REACT because if you do then you are

not being as God expects of us to be. When my body and emotions

react it does so impulsively and usually out of my control such as

my fears they come as much as a blinked eye or a sneeze as long as a

trigger is there to activate it. My fear is a reaction to my life

time need of survival.

Yet God if I to let self be am of condemned and if stuff true self,

feel as if wrong too and so I to really lack where it is that I to

be expected to be in life. Please show of me the boundaries of

being me and being what is expected of me to be in life.

Sondra January 27, 2006

Today is of a quiet day. Too much expectations crowding my space and

forever smothering me. I retreat to this place here God where can be

alone for a few moments to reflect and seek out you.

Been distant in my mind and so much consumed by random thinkings

that have no real purpose yet for me but they still flood my brain

with much. Thinking some fo the baby coming, some of the life

changes she will bring and some of the worry will it all be to turn

out well. I to try to visualize of her in my arms and cradling her.

Aimee was sharing of names this day and one to be to standed out to

me was the name of morgan it means at the edge of the sea. I to

telled my kids lots of times if I to ever run away seek me by the

ocean coasts as there I to often find of peace and calm within me.

It refreshes me and brings me to a new hope to be near the ocean. So

for me the baby if her name is ot be of to have in it will be

like a refreshing place to be. Calm a refuge if you will by my

favorite places in the world. She is thinking this day of the name

Delanie morgan/ If this is who she is to be in this world than her

earthly name will bring forth the destiny her name will bring.

Delanie that means the off spring of a challenger , or one who

challenges which is truly reflective of Aimee. So I to see her name

to mean Delanie ( a strong challenge, being set in her ways and bold

to stand up for what she believes in and the meaning she is

ready to conquer the vast world and all its power, as she stands

await on the edge of the sea knowing that beyond all this worldly

ways is a God so big that she stands seeking him beyond that horizon

into a place of faith knowing there is more to the world to

conquer . She will know her biggest challenges will be her own

strength to push aside all that ries to consume her to a world of

sin and to reach out past and seek of the God she cannot see but

knows exist and to move onto living a life pleasing to God and not

one filled with pleasing man.

My son, my beautiful little son shared to me a few weeks

back hims thinking was to pursue religion and ministry. To me was

shocked of this as this is of a dream to me I to be to want and

desire for my sons. Yet the little one the one who explores and

seeks so much fads of today's youth and strong bold thinkings of the

reality of you God and honestly pours out hims doubts for years of

you true existence, speaks of this as a career for self in life. I

to wonder what within him brings him to this place and thinking,

what is working within him God that only you and he to knows. I to

stay silent in respect of you work with in him as I to be of only

human and my words might not be as you have planned for him and so

to nto set a wrong thinking in compare to where you are of leading

him I to stay silent and let you work be within him. Yet I to still

have strong prayer words for him.

My little Missy is struggling within her and is trying to make of

her self worldly smart God she blames her lack of skills on her self

and she feels the pressure of all to make her smart when her brain

is just slower in learning. She does not understand this yet and is

seeking ways to fix the barriers within her. My heart breaks. She is

smart in her own fashions. She is beautiful and caring. She in ture

desperately seeks to learn and absorb her brain simply fights

against her desire and I to worry of where her breaking point will

be. When will it be too much? When will it be to cause her reality

within her to shatter her future hope of seeking? I to be to admire

her strength and perserverance. I to admire that attribute within

her. in this she is like me to many degrees and fashions. I to just

hope the reality when it comes clear to her will not fog up her

dreams or discourage of her ability to seek out to learn . God she

often expresses the negative thinkings she has within her too. She

hates this within her. Give her strength to learn to fight the

sinful nature to seek of those things . Give her strength to seek

out truth and what is right over what is wrong.

Sondra

[Guest guest]

thank you as this is of my most truest of thinking is when can be to

let the words of my heart flow out the God. I to have of words to him

often.

Sondra