Re: question to those on spectrum

June 11, 2006

Sondra, I'm not officially on spectrum, but I've struggled greatly

over the years with not " getting it " like everyone else seems to get.

I often think people are making jokes when they're serious and think

people are serious when they're joking. I seem to be the only one in

the room who this happens to and i don't know what it is I'm missing.

I would venture those who have said Kassi isn't on spectrum is because

Kassi presents herself as so mild. It's been my experience those who

have experience with people very low-functioning tend to dismiss those

higher-functioning. I think this is very wrong and harmful to fail to

acknowledge all spectrum people. I remember Kassi saying a few yrs ago

that a particular group told her she's not on spectrum, dispite Kassi

knowing herself much better than these people who'd met her for a

whopping 10 seconds.

Sondra, I think that you should give yourself a break. By that I mean

you shouldn't be so frustrated with yourself for seeing things

differently than others. Your ball example. If you don't see that it's

blue, or round, or any of the other things people see, what does that

really change? If you see it as more purple, or you see slick while

everyone else sees round, that doesn't make you less of a person or

stupid or anything else. It just makes your perceptions different.

That's okay, we need differences. This world needs that to function.

I know it can be frustrating and feel lonely to not get what everyone

else gets. But to me, your different perceptions mean you are an

individual. How sad it must be for everyone else to be so boring they

can only see what has been drilled into them to see. The scientific

breakthroughs and musical compositions and paintings and sculptures

didn't happen because they saw things like everyone else. If we all

saw things the same, how many " Stary Stary Night " paintings would we

have? We'd all be composing the same song over and over. We wouldn't

have spoons because no one would have ever thought to make a dipped

piece to hold liquid. No one would have ever said, " You know, I'll bet

toilet paper is better than leaves. " <g> Toileting stuff always makes

me laugh.

Words are just imitations. I use the words I've read over the years

and heard over the years and repeat them back. I use cliches of others

all day long. But when you do echo those words you are getting your

point across. We always understand what you are saying, even if you

feel it's all copied from other sources.

Has someone been telling you you're wrong or not doing something

right? Your words tonight sound as if someone has been upsetting you.

Debi

June 12, 2006

Sondra,

Once again I am in awe of your willingness and ability to express yourself.

This helps me understand you and also my daughter and others on the spectrum so

much better. Thank you so much. I wish you lived near me so I could offer you

some Yoga and relaxation classes! And, hard as it is, please don't stop

trusting. There are lots and lots of really good hearted people out there that

want

to understand and to help.

Melinda

June 12, 2006

yes someone has been of bullying me for much different times and

fashions for a few years in my state. she has never met ofme but

continues to find ways to hurt of me and then be to deny of it to

all because if they lack history will not be to know of what she is

refering too. then if I to confront of her it she twists the words

somuch so that it makes me unsure of self and to feel crazy . she

ignores simple facts of truth and goes to things she makes up as

parts of lie things as her own truths and even though many list

members to tell her to stop she continues. I to finally found out

how to block of her. But this is to be causing me great uncertain.

But secondly brining up the kassi things yes that is the time i to

be speaking of and my point is of this once those other people

shared of things to me much time back it got imprinted in my

thinking as a true even though not know how to base off anything but

those wrods because they were of the first words to go in about

Kassi at a time I was to be fearful of her anger issues on the list.

And so it is like stored echoed words at times and I to wonder if

others are of this they hear of words from others and take them as

complete trues even though they have no way to read or discern aobut

the real of the truths around it such as if one told of me as a

little girl the sky was of green it would be to me get imprinted it

was of green and nothing will be of able to help me learn a new

script because the sky is green and it cant be changed because it is

what was told in the very begin of my discovery of the sky. I to be

not able to see for self in my own cognitions maybe that the sky was

of blue? it would not be of a thing i for self have learend from my

own self teaching but stored words others have sayed becaomes part

of my over all cognitions and it seems to be permanently rooted

there. And even when experiences and exposure is maybe over time

teaching me new things and I to try to force self to alter the past

thinking and or to change of it I can be to script the words in some

fashions but deep within me is the imprinted words that never seem

to be of able to get erased to be to add the real or new truths in

its place.

The other issues I to be one who believes all people are going to be

100% honest to me and so I to trust of thems words as facts always ,

because have no real way to seek out the discovery of the truth if

it alters from the words others have shared. sometimes though two

opposite scripts get stored in me over the same issues Such as the

ABAers feel that ABA is the only option for thems child, (it is not

but it is the only one with science to back the theory and i to

agree it is one effective approach if it is a GOOD run ABA program

that allows dignity to be a priority of the child) And i to feel

this thinking is correct,

but if I to read things of RDI another of my favorite approaches I

to find its words to be very true and right as well, but the RDI

people often do not have much good to say about ABA and the ABAers

have little good to say about RDI and it leaves me unsure of my own

to evalauate which is of true and or is my own assumptions of the

fact that both can be of good and both can be combined with very

good skills and imagination of how to combine both so the child

learns. But usually both sets the RDI and the ABAers are in complete

disagree that they can or should be combined.

Or back to Kassi as an example those over the past who shared to me

Kassi was not of spectrum and it got imprinted as a true to me and

it caused me to repeat the scripts of those people for a time

because was confused and fearful of this truth and such. It caused

me to be cuatious of Kassi and somewhat fearful of her.

Yet my exposure to her on line when she was not of angry caused me

to listen and explore the facts that some shared on the list she is

indeed of spectrum? And it is not an issues really if she is or not

just sharing how things get imprimited in me and i to lack the

ability to discern of which people are of being truthful and which

ones are not of the knowing of the truths and such. My imprinted

things given to me in the very begin is still there saying she is

not but other parts of me have another scripted side that feels she

is maybe of spectrum.

But I to think too my challenge is to see spectrum in milder

versions or higher functioning people because lack the ability to

read or discern and or interpret the actions and words of others

like NT people can and it causes me a fear of vulnerability. Yes my

own children some are very high functioning now and as childrens of

me I to see thier challenges because I to live with the challenges

daily. i to be of one not able to do that with kassi and or others

who are mild or very high to see of the challenges enough to say yes

this is of from my own experiences with my childrens is similar or

same. So i to lack what is of true from words saying one things and

other peoples words saying another and not haveing ability to see

for self to evalaute the real of truth from own eyes that makes of

me feel stupid and vulnerable and I to not like that feeling. I to

be to trust too much peoples and find later those same people used

of me and or manipulated me into a new mess and then left of me to

drown in it.

Such as one list a person began to post of me and i to thinked hims

words were nice and felt maybe he was going to help me understand

this bully on line. I to be to telled him much things such as my

testing scores and evalauation results and things I to not normally

share to others at all but inside of me thinked he was of

professional so did and he then typed a response for me to send to

the list to verify of the truth of my dx. I to did of this and then

the next day he to comed back with much postings of attack to the

bully and to the ones who were of supportive of me and to a

professional on that same list. it caused me great confusions

because lacked for true what most of the words meant but this only

added the anger of the bully claiming I to manipulated this and had

full knowing of all of this and pretend to not be in the knowing of

it which is not true what is of 100% true is i to ahd no clue what

happened or why and so it maked me be more vulnerable to all and now

I to not be to feel to connect to peoples. i to be in honest this

day feel fearful of all people except those i to be to have much

words and long history too. I to simply feel in the heart ofme is

growing angry and bitter the more exposure i to have to people the

more complex my life becomes , the more mass confusions , the more

frustrated to self and agitated to self my workd becomes.

People all strive to get there kids to a higher level of functioning

and yet when they do they think they have reached thier goal but

what is more true is it makes us more a target and more vulnerable

to attacks because we look as though we have of skills that inside

do not match up and it leaves us always feeling as though sucked

into a tornado or hurricane and no anchor to really support us. To

me felt all of life if can be to just learn to be like normal people

then would be to have of real life like them, I to never found that

real life yet and feel as if all my life to reach this areas of life

was in vain and angry because I to feel my life would be to ahve

been better in the early autistic states of no connect and no

awareness to the world around me just me and the inner self play of

a worold that once was a safe place for me due to the severeity of

autism back as a little girl and angry that my brain got to where

itis today. living locked away in an isolated cell room seems more

like a safe haven than this world to me right now. while fear was

there at least it would be a force isolations to me and would keep

people away and allow me to self absorb to the way my brain is

really wired to be . forcing self too long in this worlds of

confusion is playing its toll on my health and my motivations to

continue to make any gains at all in life. I to be to feel as if

need to just run away and find a small shack and self isoalte as a

hermit person for the rest of my days living on this planet.

Sorry to ahve vented of my inner confusions and fears and mass

frustrations right now to the list but sometimes words must come to

survive if we survive at all.....

Sondra

In Autism_in_Girls , " Debi "

wrote:

>

> Sondra, I'm not officially on spectrum, but I've struggled greatly

> over the years with not " getting it " like everyone else seems to

get.

> I often think people are making jokes when they're serious and

think

> people are serious when they're joking. I seem to be the only one

in

> the room who this happens to and i don't know what it is I'm

missing.

>

> I would venture those who have said Kassi isn't on spectrum is

because

> Kassi presents herself as so mild. It's been my experience those

who

> have experience with people very low-functioning tend to dismiss

those

> higher-functioning. I think this is very wrong and harmful to fail

to

> acknowledge all spectrum people. I remember Kassi saying a few yrs

ago

> that a particular group told her she's not on spectrum, dispite

Kassi

> knowing herself much better than these people who'd met her for a

> whopping 10 seconds.

>

> Sondra, I think that you should give yourself a break. By that I

mean

> you shouldn't be so frustrated with yourself for seeing things

> differently than others. Your ball example. If you don't see that

it's

> blue, or round, or any of the other things people see, what does

that

> really change? If you see it as more purple, or you see slick while

> everyone else sees round, that doesn't make you less of a person or

> stupid or anything else. It just makes your perceptions different.

> That's okay, we need differences. This world needs that to

function.

>

> I know it can be frustrating and feel lonely to not get what

everyone

> else gets. But to me, your different perceptions mean you are an

> individual. How sad it must be for everyone else to be so boring

they

> can only see what has been drilled into them to see. The scientific

> breakthroughs and musical compositions and paintings and sculptures

> didn't happen because they saw things like everyone else. If we all

> saw things the same, how many " Stary Stary Night " paintings would

we

> have? We'd all be composing the same song over and over. We

wouldn't

> have spoons because no one would have ever thought to make a dipped

> piece to hold liquid. No one would have ever said, " You know, I'll

bet

> toilet paper is better than leaves. " <g> Toileting stuff always

makes

> me laugh.

>

> Words are just imitations. I use the words I've read over the years

> and heard over the years and repeat them back. I use cliches of

others

> all day long. But when you do echo those words you are getting your

> point across. We always understand what you are saying, even if you

> feel it's all copied from other sources.

>

> Has someone been telling you you're wrong or not doing something

> right? Your words tonight sound as if someone has been upsetting

you.

>

> Debi

>

June 12, 2006

Sondra,

You sound as if you are tired. I understand because to be as complex as we

are and live in a world of completely different complexities, we become

weary and suspicious. I admit I too have spent the past few years intently

worried about WHAT I am, WHO am I supposed to be and WHY can't I fit in. I

would look at the circle too, Sondra, and I would not see blue.

To see the world through autism's spectacles comes with tremendous and

numerous burdens that can become unbearable at times. But Sondra, we are so

spectacular that even the greatest of minds and the most advance science

cannot explain our mysteries. We are such gems in the world that there is

no comparison. Should a diamond be any less valuable just because there are

no other stones like it? Should an Emerald be of lesser beauty just because

it cannot be used to cut like the diamond? No and in fact their rareness

and individuality is what makes them so special.

Some of the greatest mysteries in our world awe and inspire people everyday

not because of their descriptions and causes, but because of the impact of

their mystery upon people's minds. The Bermuda Triangle, the Oregon Vortex,

Atlantis. there are no proofs, no right answers to these phenomenons, yet it

spurs the imaginations of so many people to explore, learn and create. We

are one of the phenomenons of the human experience. We are people which awe

and inspire so many to want to know more about the beautiful human mind.

This does not always ease our frustrations because there are always those

who in their ignorance fear us and therefore bully us. There will always be

those who fear phenomenon and therefore bash it, or hide from it. But we

have to learn, my dear friend, to not allow the small amount of ignorant

people to displace our hope, trust and belief in our world. According to a

poll, 71 % of Americans are interested in learning more about autism. That

means we cannot allow the other 29% who are too locked away inside their

fears to make us feel inferior.

There is a song by Colvin " I never saw Blue like that " on the Runaway

Bride movie soundtrack. Try to find this song and listen to it. Tim, when

he and I first met, put this song on a CD for me. He told me that this song

described how I made him feel. Some of the words are:

Today I took a walk up the street

And picked a flower and climbed the hill

Above the lake

And secret thoughts were said aloud

We watched the faces in the clouds

Until the clouds had blown away

And were we ever somewhere else

You know, it's hard to say

And I never saw blue like that before

Across the sky

Around the world

You've given me all you have and more

And no one else has ever shown me how

To see the world the way I see it now

Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

I can't believe a month ago

I was alone, I didn't know you

I hadn't seen or heard your name

And even now, I'm so amazed

It's like a dream, it's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

And something's are the way they are

And words just can't explain

And I never saw blue like that before...

Tim was so intrigued by my view of the world that he felt his view of the

world was made brighter. I think that is what you are too, Sondra. Your

view of the world makes all of our views brighter. I only hope that someday

I have the honor of meeting you in person and spending time exchanging

thoughts. Truth is black and white, but people's perspective of that truth

is multicolored. People may think they are honest and speaking truths but

are mistaken, not because they are vicious, but because they are blind.

They have just never seen blue like that before.

Believe in the truth within yourself.

Nadine

question to those on spectrum

I to have a question to others on the spectrum , if you to hear

others words aobut certain subjects do you take the words as

complete trues and or does it make you ahve an uncertain of peoples.

Such as being honest in the past had trusted of some peoples words

because had met them in the real of life and they were ever so nice

to me but these same people to telled me at one point that Kassianne

was not of spectrum but of other things and it triggered an

uncertain and fear of her (kassi ) for a time this was a time back

Kassi not current.

But since not ever really spend of time with Kassi in the real of

life could not be to say if she is of spectrum or not but it has

caused me to often have this triggered fear (nothing personal kassi

but using this as example) and so it leaves a strong lasting fear of

what is of true and what is not. And how can one read the trues of

another and or the lies of another. I to be to feel as if missing

big parts and lack what it is about me that does not get it. Even my

fellow spectrum people I to be around at conferneces and such all

seem to get things that is of simply foreign to me.

It can be like metaphorically one hold up a blue circle and everyone

sees it and is able to say that is of a blue circle but my brain

simply looks at it too but does not gain the same information or

timing as the rest. I to see it but it is as though it does not

register at all. I to not gain anything from to look at it as others

might be to get by looking at dirty pebbles in the road. useless

information to me but others see it and begin to share words of hte

blue circle and make much words to it and I ti stand back wondering

why?

I to also discovered about self for much of life I to never really

had Sondra words much of the words from my past were of borrowed

words and scripted words and so i to walked around much of the day

just echoing and many thinked oh sondra you are of so smart and

knowing of this and that. no not in the real I to had no clue I to

just echoed back the words. Echoing all the day all the time just

echo, echo echoing and never really haveing words that comed from

Sondra but also found too that Sondra comes in many forms of words

can imiate magazine words, news words, others speakers words echoing

not just words but formats and styles of words. but when in my own

words my own stupid ways of being in words there are of the truest

expression of Sondra that comes deep from with my heart.

Yet I to feel I to be too complex of a person one who is complicated

to explain and yet trying to not just discover autism in me, but

somethings more. trying to still define me. but simply cant because

i to be ever so blind to even seeing self or to have words to

understand of self. And in true wish in all the life of me that was

never to be born or exist in life but the fact I to do is a cruel

statement to have to be forced to live in word where one cant be to

even have of an essence of her own being that is of to feel like a

true inner part of me. I ti feel as it not know how to be or what to

be or how to go beyond self to see life as others and cant tell real

or fake and cant be to know how to do things like other no matter

how hard i to try and even when trying to free self and be of self

get of told wrong for that too.

I to be to still be stuck and cant feel anything but stuck and have

been to try to clarify self and often in the doing get so tangled

into much other webs that i to not even see coming and I to find

trust everyone and things too much that cant tell when one is trying

to do me harm instead of good.

Kassi please to not take of it personal as I to be to not be one who

can say yes or no to you in the dx but have that fear not because I

alone to thinked it but because it was planted and lack how to get

planted thinkings out of my brain from others. I to be in much

honest to say I to have been to try now for a long time and find

over time have discovered a liking to you and less fear to you and

not here to make words to disoute of you dx at all but confused by

the words of some to say that and how to get those words out of me

and try to find the real of truth in anythings not just this sample

but all samples.

Sondra

June 12, 2006

Sondra,

It makes me so sad to read your post. I wish you didn't feel this

way. I wish there was a way I could help you know that there are

lots of people here that care very much for you and we would never

do anything to hurt you in the ways others have. I read your posts

more often than others in the group because you are so honest and

open about your feelings and the way your see things. I have learned

alot about my daughter and myself from reading what you write. I

have dx of ADD, and although that is differen't from yours, there

are alot of things you write that could be right out of my own head.

I'm not as open as you are though, and could not express myself as

well as you do either. I hate to think that you feel fearful of

writing your own thoughts and feelings because someone might bully

you. People who do things like that are usually much more brave

talking from a keyboard than they would ever be in person. It would

be easy for me to tell you to just ignore people who do these

things. After all, if you haven't done anything to deserve that kind

of treatment then the problem is with the other person. It's their

problem, not yours. But I know from my own experiences that it's

easier said than done. I do know that so often what we worry so much

about is really nothing at all, just our fears getting the best of

us. And others will have forgotten about it in a short time. It

wouldn't even be an issue for them. I worry for so long about things

I say or write, wondering if it will be taken the wrong way. I very

carefully edit things so they won't make others upset. And alot of

times I leave out too much of what I want to say. Or say nothing at

all so I won't have to feel stupid. I look up to you for voicing

things others won't for fear of putting themselves out.

And even now as I'm writing this I wonder if others who read this

will think I sound stupid or something. But I know from your posts

that you won't. And so I feel that I can be honest and open to you.

Most of the time even people you think of as more normal than you,

are having the same feelings and fears. Sometimes they even say

things they shouldn't because of their fears. But as you communicate

with more and more people you're going to get a better feeling of

who to trust and also know that even if you disagree it's not a big

issue. They'll still care for you in a way that won't change because

of your differences. I think people on the spectrum just worry way

more than the average person is all.I know that's true of me.

And as long as I'm on here rambling, I have to add something about

the rest of your post. I have a problem with the issues you do about

early on getting an imprint so to speak of something and it

sticking. Alot of the things my Brain does make me nuts. But I

realize that it's my mind. It's not what makes me ME. It's not what

makes you YOU either. And the ways you see yourself are too often

distorted by your fear. At least I know that's true of myself. I've

had to work really hard to learn to just let things go. It's very

hard, very very hard for me sometimes, but I MAKE myself get away

from what ever it is that I feel I'm over analizing. And get busy

with something I can get lost in and forget for a little while what

I was obsessing or worring over. If it keeps coming back. I keep

switching to something else till it looses it's power. Sometimes I

make up silly songs in my mind about whatever it is and sing it over

a few times till I have to laugh at myself. And when I can look at

it without feeling anxious then I decide if it's something I can

actually do anything about, or just let it go. For the longest time

I was DXed with OCD. So I learned alot of coping skills from books.

I know that for myself, after alot of practice and trying new

things, issues don't get to me so much. I hope that there is

something in this post to make you feel alittle better about it all.

Know that there are quite a few people on here that think you are a

very intelligent, wonderful & caring person. And you'll see, as we

all get to know each other better that you have real true friends on

here that would love to give back to you as much as you have given

us.

Cristy

> >

> > Sondra, I'm not officially on spectrum, but I've struggled

greatly

> > over the years with not " getting it " like everyone else seems to

> get.

> > I often think people are making jokes when they're serious and

> think

> > people are serious when they're joking. I seem to be the only

one

> in

> > the room who this happens to and i don't know what it is I'm

> missing.

> >

> > I would venture those who have said Kassi isn't on spectrum is

> because

> > Kassi presents herself as so mild. It's been my experience those

> who

> > have experience with people very low-functioning tend to dismiss

> those

> > higher-functioning. I think this is very wrong and harmful to

fail

> to

> > acknowledge all spectrum people. I remember Kassi saying a few

yrs

> ago

> > that a particular group told her she's not on spectrum, dispite

> Kassi

> > knowing herself much better than these people who'd met her for a

> > whopping 10 seconds.

> >

> > Sondra, I think that you should give yourself a break. By that I

> mean

> > you shouldn't be so frustrated with yourself for seeing things

> > differently than others. Your ball example. If you don't see

that

> it's

> > blue, or round, or any of the other things people see, what does

> that

> > really change? If you see it as more purple, or you see slick

while

> > everyone else sees round, that doesn't make you less of a person

or

> > stupid or anything else. It just makes your perceptions

different.

> > That's okay, we need differences. This world needs that to

> function.

> >

> > I know it can be frustrating and feel lonely to not get what

> everyone

> > else gets. But to me, your different perceptions mean you are an

> > individual. How sad it must be for everyone else to be so boring

> they

> > can only see what has been drilled into them to see. The

scientific

> > breakthroughs and musical compositions and paintings and

sculptures

> > didn't happen because they saw things like everyone else. If we

all

> > saw things the same, how many " Stary Stary Night " paintings

would

> we

> > have? We'd all be composing the same song over and over. We

> wouldn't

> > have spoons because no one would have ever thought to make a

dipped

> > piece to hold liquid. No one would have ever said, " You know,

I'll

> bet

> > toilet paper is better than leaves. " <g> Toileting stuff always

> makes

> > me laugh.

> >

> > Words are just imitations. I use the words I've read over the

years

> > and heard over the years and repeat them back. I use cliches of

> others

> > all day long. But when you do echo those words you are getting

your

> > point across. We always understand what you are saying, even if

you

> > feel it's all copied from other sources.

> >

> > Has someone been telling you you're wrong or not doing something

> > right? Your words tonight sound as if someone has been upsetting

> you.

> >

> > Debi

> >

>

June 12, 2006

Nadine,

(Hope you don't mind be chiming in)

That was just beautiful. Your posts are inspiring.

Cristy

>

> Sondra,

>

> You sound as if you are tired. I understand because to be as

complex as we

> are and live in a world of completely different complexities, we

become

> weary and suspicious. I admit I too have spent the past few years

intently

> worried about WHAT I am, WHO am I supposed to be and WHY can't I

fit in. I

> would look at the circle too, Sondra, and I would not see blue.

>

> To see the world through autism's spectacles comes with tremendous

and

> numerous burdens that can become unbearable at times. But Sondra,

we are so

> spectacular that even the greatest of minds and the most advance

science

> cannot explain our mysteries. We are such gems in the world that

there is

> no comparison. Should a diamond be any less valuable just because

there are

> no other stones like it? Should an Emerald be of lesser beauty

just because

> it cannot be used to cut like the diamond? No and in fact their

rareness

> and individuality is what makes them so special.

>

> Some of the greatest mysteries in our world awe and inspire people

everyday

> not because of their descriptions and causes, but because of the

impact of

> their mystery upon people's minds. The Bermuda Triangle, the

Oregon Vortex,

> Atlantis. there are no proofs, no right answers to these

phenomenons, yet it

> spurs the imaginations of so many people to explore, learn and

create. We

> are one of the phenomenons of the human experience. We are people

which awe

> and inspire so many to want to know more about the beautiful human

mind.

>

> This does not always ease our frustrations because there are

always those

> who in their ignorance fear us and therefore bully us. There will

always be

> those who fear phenomenon and therefore bash it, or hide from it.

But we

> have to learn, my dear friend, to not allow the small amount of

ignorant

> people to displace our hope, trust and belief in our world.

According to a

> poll, 71 % of Americans are interested in learning more about

autism. That

> means we cannot allow the other 29% who are too locked away inside

their

> fears to make us feel inferior.

>

> There is a song by Colvin " I never saw Blue like that " on

the Runaway

> Bride movie soundtrack. Try to find this song and listen to it.

Tim, when

> he and I first met, put this song on a CD for me. He told me that

this song

> described how I made him feel. Some of the words are:

>

> Today I took a walk up the street

> And picked a flower and climbed the hill

> Above the lake

>

> And secret thoughts were said aloud

> We watched the faces in the clouds

> Until the clouds had blown away

>

> And were we ever somewhere else

> You know, it's hard to say

>

> And I never saw blue like that before

> Across the sky

> Around the world

> You've given me all you have and more

> And no one else has ever shown me how

> To see the world the way I see it now

> Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

>

> I can't believe a month ago

> I was alone, I didn't know you

> I hadn't seen or heard your name

> And even now, I'm so amazed

> It's like a dream, it's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

>

> And something's are the way they are

> And words just can't explain

>

> And I never saw blue like that before...

>

> Tim was so intrigued by my view of the world that he felt his view

of the

> world was made brighter. I think that is what you are too,

Sondra. Your

> view of the world makes all of our views brighter. I only hope

that someday

> I have the honor of meeting you in person and spending time

exchanging

> thoughts. Truth is black and white, but people's perspective of

that truth

> is multicolored. People may think they are honest and speaking

truths but

> are mistaken, not because they are vicious, but because they are

blind.

> They have just never seen blue like that before.

>

> Believe in the truth within yourself.

>

> Nadine

>

> question to those on spectrum

>

> I to have a question to others on the spectrum , if you to hear

> others words aobut certain subjects do you take the words as

> complete trues and or does it make you ahve an uncertain of

peoples.

> Such as being honest in the past had trusted of some peoples words

> because had met them in the real of life and they were ever so

nice

> to me but these same people to telled me at one point that

Kassianne

> was not of spectrum but of other things and it triggered an

> uncertain and fear of her (kassi ) for a time this was a time back

> Kassi not current.

>

> But since not ever really spend of time with Kassi in the real of

> life could not be to say if she is of spectrum or not but it has

> caused me to often have this triggered fear (nothing personal

kassi

> but using this as example) and so it leaves a strong lasting fear

of

> what is of true and what is not. And how can one read the trues of

> another and or the lies of another. I to be to feel as if missing

> big parts and lack what it is about me that does not get it. Even

my

> fellow spectrum people I to be around at conferneces and such all

> seem to get things that is of simply foreign to me.

>

> It can be like metaphorically one hold up a blue circle and

everyone

> sees it and is able to say that is of a blue circle but my brain

> simply looks at it too but does not gain the same information or

> timing as the rest. I to see it but it is as though it does not

> register at all. I to not gain anything from to look at it as

others

> might be to get by looking at dirty pebbles in the road. useless

> information to me but others see it and begin to share words of

hte

> blue circle and make much words to it and I ti stand back

wondering

> why?

>

> I to also discovered about self for much of life I to never really

> had Sondra words much of the words from my past were of borrowed

> words and scripted words and so i to walked around much of the day

> just echoing and many thinked oh sondra you are of so smart and

> knowing of this and that. no not in the real I to had no clue I to

> just echoed back the words. Echoing all the day all the time just

> echo, echo echoing and never really haveing words that comed from

> Sondra but also found too that Sondra comes in many forms of words

> can imiate magazine words, news words, others speakers words

echoing

> not just words but formats and styles of words. but when in my own

> words my own stupid ways of being in words there are of the truest

> expression of Sondra that comes deep from with my heart.

>

> Yet I to feel I to be too complex of a person one who is

complicated

> to explain and yet trying to not just discover autism in me, but

> somethings more. trying to still define me. but simply cant

because

> i to be ever so blind to even seeing self or to have words to

> understand of self. And in true wish in all the life of me that

was

> never to be born or exist in life but the fact I to do is a cruel

> statement to have to be forced to live in word where one cant be

to

> even have of an essence of her own being that is of to feel like a

> true inner part of me. I ti feel as it not know how to be or what

to

> be or how to go beyond self to see life as others and cant tell

real

> or fake and cant be to know how to do things like other no matter

> how hard i to try and even when trying to free self and be of self

> get of told wrong for that too.

>

> I to be to still be stuck and cant feel anything but stuck and

have

> been to try to clarify self and often in the doing get so tangled

> into much other webs that i to not even see coming and I to find

> trust everyone and things too much that cant tell when one is

trying

> to do me harm instead of good.

>

> Kassi please to not take of it personal as I to be to not be one

who

> can say yes or no to you in the dx but have that fear not because

I

> alone to thinked it but because it was planted and lack how to get

> planted thinkings out of my brain from others. I to be in much

> honest to say I to have been to try now for a long time and find

> over time have discovered a liking to you and less fear to you and

> not here to make words to disoute of you dx at all but confused by

> the words of some to say that and how to get those words out of me

> and try to find the real of truth in anythings not just this

sample

> but all samples.

> Sondra

>

June 12, 2006

Larua I to b eto have to go to my therapist today but will comment

on posts later. i to think what hurts is this bully is among the

autism community because she has of two sons who are of HFA and it

is of scary that she cannot see the multiple complex ways autism can

present itself and very little is known of autism itself but add the

mix of severe abuse and trauma to the mix and you have of a very

different complexing individual which is hard formy professionals to

be to sift out what is autism cores realted to me and what is driven

by the abuse and trauma under the PTSD. this woman often cycles my

PTSD to cycle rapid to depressions and withdraw. she is not just

mean but vicious and very degrading and hurtful and attacks with so

much untrues it is of painful and I to be to have no clue how to

escape her clutches once she begins.

Sondra

In Autism_in_Girls , " " wrote: