Re: have no idea what is going on with my 6 yr old-help?-could this

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Your post brings back the horror of those days with my DD. To

say it is draining is an understatement. I definitely was presenting

PTSD symptoms myself. You really have to hate the behavior, not the

child. For me, I could only imagine how hard it was for DD to live

with herself 24/7, at least I had 6 hours while she was in school to

try and take care of myself.

I believe my DD's improvement was getting the medications right

(and that is a long process) as well as finding a good therapist and

finally, as Judy said, letting a whole lot go and focusing on reducing

the raging/meltdowns/aggression.

I have three thoughts to share. First, the school needs to be a

support and if you haven't already, start the IEP process. You have

clearly identified that the added stress of school is what has caused

the problems to become unmanageable.

Second, keep a journal so you don't miss the small signs of

progress. 2 kicks in one day and observing you DS stopping himself

once is huge. Don't let anyone tell you that is not progress. I

remember saying to DD that I don't care how much she swears at me,

just don't show aggression. I now can " consequence " swearing and it

rarely happens. We've had no aggression in almost 3 weeks and in the

last 3 months it has been very, very minor. Yet, if I had expected

" zero tolerance " it would have required residential treatment and no

one was going to pay for that.

Third, you have to find what works for your child. I didn't try

removing everything from her room (as described in the Explosive

Child). I knew that would really set her off due to the OCD. The

smallest change in a room (different pilows on the couch for example)

would create an explosion. What did work was small negative

consequences using a point system (minus 10 pts. for a hit, + 30

points for avoiding hitting.) I had been using a " behavior plan " that

my therapist " threw out " saying it was too complicated. (And it

was). Instead she helped us develop one customized for my daughter.

We had shared with her that the transitions (even from good things)

was the biggest problem. " If only we could get through the first 15

minutes into the house " . From that, she gave my daughter 30 minutes a

day of tv or computer (those things calmed her) regardless of how few

points she had. She also got to " boss us " for 30 min. a day as long

as it wasn't dangerous. She really " needed " physical contact....

tickling game for example. I think this part of the plan was key. My

DD already knew her behavior was bad. She already felt bad about her

aggression. She needed to feel good and have a little fun each day.

When her therapist first proposed this, I dreaded the 30 min./day of

bossing. Controlling behavior was what we were trying to prevent.

Ironically, my daughter rarely used her 30 minutes. We have been

doing this for a year now and things are 95% better. I use to

describe our position as " dysfunctional family " . Now, I think we're

just as " abnormal " as most families. It's still a daily struggle and

second guessing whether I'm being too lenient, too overprotective, too

dependent on medication ..... but I no longer live with a daily fear

that I will need to call the police if I " make a mistake " that sets

her off.

Dorelle

view my vacation rentals in Colorado at www.vrbo.com/44235

[Guest guest]

Thank you. Yes, I feel as though I walk on eggshells during the week and that a

6 yr old should not be controlling the house but yet I feel helpless. I grew up

in an abusive home and did have PTSD and wow-it has felt like it is back lately.

I vowed not to raise my son the same way and haven't and have been so frustrated

at how he is turning out. I need to keep pointing out the positives, I know. We

are going to start using hte reward charts again-sometimes he loves

them-sometimes they don't work.

The school refuses to do an IEP as he shows absolutley NO behaviors there and I

am told hee is one of the best kids in the school (for now, we'll see). He has a

best freind but she hits him alot and ihave told them this and they don't do

anything. Their answer is " they'll TRY to see if MAYBE the school counselor has

time to talk to her " . His therapist will be paying the school a visit next week.

WE see the pdoc every 21/2 months thanks to community mental health really being

bad (it's all they give us) so it makes it really ahrd to tweak meds. What meds

is your daughter on? I always wonder if my sons meds are playing a part. The

Zoloft winds him up but he takes it first thing in the AM so by 3:30 shouldn't

he have settled from it? And we didn't have as many problems in the summer and

same meds.

I will try to find the energy to journal-definately a good suggestion.

Thanks so much!!!

>

> Hi ,

>

> Your post brings back the horror of those days with my DD. To

> say it is draining is an understatement. I definitely was presenting

> PTSD symptoms myself. You really have to hate the behavior, not the

> child. For me, I could only imagine how hard it was for DD to live

> with herself 24/7, at least I had 6 hours while she was in school to

> try and take care of myself.

> I believe my DD's improvement was getting the medications right

> (and that is a long process) as well as finding a good therapist and

> finally, as Judy said, letting a whole lot go and focusing on reducing

> the raging/meltdowns/aggression.

> I have three thoughts to share. First, the school needs to be a

> support and if you haven't already, start the IEP process. You have

> clearly identified that the added stress of school is what has caused

> the problems to become unmanageable.

> Second, keep a journal so you don't miss the small signs of

> progress. 2 kicks in one day and observing you DS stopping himself

> once is huge. Don't let anyone tell you that is not progress. I

> remember saying to DD that I don't care how much she swears at me,

> just don't show aggression. I now can " consequence " swearing and it

> rarely happens. We've had no aggression in almost 3 weeks and in the

> last 3 months it has been very, very minor. Yet, if I had expected

> " zero tolerance " it would have required residential treatment and no

> one was going to pay for that.

> Third, you have to find what works for your child. I didn't try

> removing everything from her room (as described in the Explosive

> Child). I knew that would really set her off due to the OCD. The

> smallest change in a room (different pilows on the couch for example)

> would create an explosion. What did work was small negative

> consequences using a point system (minus 10 pts. for a hit, + 30

> points for avoiding hitting.) I had been using a " behavior plan " that

> my therapist " threw out " saying it was too complicated. (And it

> was). Instead she helped us develop one customized for my daughter.

> We had shared with her that the transitions (even from good things)

> was the biggest problem. " If only we could get through the first 15

> minutes into the house " . From that, she gave my daughter 30 minutes a

> day of tv or computer (those things calmed her) regardless of how few

> points she had. She also got to " boss us " for 30 min. a day as long

> as it wasn't dangerous. She really " needed " physical contact....

> tickling game for example. I think this part of the plan was key. My

> DD already knew her behavior was bad. She already felt bad about her

> aggression. She needed to feel good and have a little fun each day.

> When her therapist first proposed this, I dreaded the 30 min./day of

> bossing. Controlling behavior was what we were trying to prevent.

> Ironically, my daughter rarely used her 30 minutes. We have been

> doing this for a year now and things are 95% better. I use to

> describe our position as " dysfunctional family " . Now, I think we're

> just as " abnormal " as most families. It's still a daily struggle and

> second guessing whether I'm being too lenient, too overprotective, too

> dependent on medication ..... but I no longer live with a daily fear

> that I will need to call the police if I " make a mistake " that sets

> her off.

>

> Dorelle

> view my vacation rentals in Colorado at www.vrbo.com/44235

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