Our Story

[Guest guest]

Hello!

I keep meaning to formally " introduce " myself but the thought of the time

it'll take to type everything out that's going through my head keeps me from

sitting down to do it! (watch out, this is gonna be long! lol) I've been

reading everyone's emails since I joined a few months ago but have only

posted twice I think.

My name is , I am a wife, mother to three children, freelance flutist,

2nd generation homeschooler and music therapist in training (will be

certified following a 6 month 40 hr/week internship that starts this

January). My children are a daughter age 9, a son age 7 and another son age

2. My daughter, Autumn, has had OCD it seems her entire life, beginning

with a need for specifically arranging her toys and food (food couldn't

touch) when she was just a toddler and starting to exhibit rituals (that we

noticed) at bedtime when she was around 3 or 4 years old - Tapping her

bedroom door in a certain pattern, reciting " no bad shadows, no bad

monsters " 3 times when she laid down in her bed, etc.

We have been able to keep Autumn's OCD mostly under control until now

through cognitive-behavioral therapy done at home, without medication or

seeing a therapist, only because of the psychology training I have had, but

we have recently had huge upheaval in our lives because of devastating

financial losses we had last spring and in fact have had to move in with

relatives temporarily. Our daughter's OCD has increased so much as a result

that I think it's time to get some medication for bedtime. She has had such

a high number of complete meltdowns in the last couple of months, she's not

getting enough sleep because she lays in bed with her eyes open in fear, and

none of the rest of the family can get any sleep either when she has a panic

attack.

Autumn's OCD has always revolved around bedtime. When she was younger she

would also become anxious during the day to the point of panic attack or

tantrum if her toys weren't in specific order, her food touched, or she

didn't know exactly what the schedule for the next day was going to be. She

also was very agitated by things like the hall light switches because they

couldn't both be up or down at the same time. These obsessions have

gradually become eliminated over the years as we've worked with her on

recognizing that if she stands up to the fear/anxiety (and tells her head

" NO! " ) she can eventually overcome or at least successfully manage the

obsessions But the bedtime issues are much worse. We've got the rituals

pretty much eliminated, but the fears remain.

I think the best way to describe the bedtime problem is to relay what she

" sees " at night. Two weeks ago she drew very detailed, specific pictures of

all the monsters she imagines and told me fully developed stories about

them. There are monsters that live underground and want to kidnap her.

Nobody else, only her. They cannot appear in the light, so they wait until

its dark and they will grab her and take her underground where the head

monster will lock her up in chains and torture her. They have a special

green fire that can never go out, otherwise any other kind of light hurts

them. There are two tiny flying monsters that watch her at night, waiting

for the room to get dark enough to call the other monsters out to get her.

There are also two monsters living under the toilet that can only come out

to grab her when she flushes the toilet and opens the portal - they want to

get her but always give her a " chance " to get away if she can wash her hands

and get out the door before they count to a certain number (she didn't say

the number). There is also a monster living outside the bathroom door who

can only wake up at night and only when the toilet flushes - he climbs up a

ladder to see if it's her or someone else and if it's not her he just climbs

back down and goes to sleep, otherwise he's going to try to climb in the

window to grab her.. And this is all a very shortened version of what she

told me she sees/imagines! And of course she knows full well that it's all

in her head and can't possibly be real, but she FEELS it's real, and that's

what matters. And as I'm sure you all well know from experience - this is

WAY beyond the " normal " fear of the dark or monsters-under-the-bed phases

that kids go through. She comes running out of the bedroom screaming in

heart-wrenching fear, heart pounding, and can become completely hysterical

when she has to go back to bed. She has a teddy bear that glows in the dark

and changes colors that she relies on to keep the dark at bay just enough

that the monsters can't get her (her brother bought it for her 2 years ago

for Christmas because he felt sorry for her and her fear of the dark).

Right now her panic attacks are so easily triggered, full blown and

long-lasting that we haven't been able to keep the bear from her but we've

been trying to convince her to go for longer and longer periods with it

turned off.

We've been able to get the monster-in-the-toilet mostly under control during

the daytime by helping her to stay longer and longer in the bathroom after

the toilet's been flushed instead of running out of there in terror, but the

bedtime monsters have been much more difficult. And unfortunately those

monsters have begun to pop up in the day now too. Autumn admitted to me a

few days ago that she has begun to take cold showers sometimes because she

thinks the monsters and their green fire have discovered a way to come

through the water pipes if the water is hot enough. She sadly told me that

she knows it doesn't make any sense that they can bring fire through water,

but she just can't help it. Today she spent 20 minutes standing at the door

of the shower, trying to will herself to turn the hot water on and finally

broke down crying, asking me to turn the hot water on for her. When I did,

she started to scream and hide behind me but I grabbed her arm to keep her

next to me and in return she grabbed my arm and held on to me as though she

was trying to keep her own self from pulling away; shaking, eyes wide. She

is trying SO hard to face her fears and is so intelligent and educated/aware

of how this OCD all works, it's both incredible and heartbreaking to see her

fight. :-(

Exposure therapy has worked the best for her with all her

obsessions/rituals. The nighttime monsters have been the most resistant to

it, but she's been trying it with that too, self-initiating a plan to see

how many nights in a row she can force herself to stay in her bed to face

the fears instead of running out/away screaming. She's nearly to a week

tonight and is sooo excited about it! :-) She cries and resists actually

going to bed but this week she's managed to stay in there once she can get

herself in there. Right now it seems like she will come through it even

without medication, but it's been a wild up and down ride for these last few

months, so I don't know yet whether this is actually going to last. I do

also have some ideas forming for some music+relaxation+imaging sessions that

I hope will help her sleep. We'll see.

By the way, I'm not against medication, I just prefer to use it as a sort of

last resort, especially since my husband, Autumn and I are all

allergic/sensitive to everything and have a history of experiencing whatever

adverse side effects various medications carry!

Ramey