Re: Intimacy and Asperger Syndrome – Can They Coexist?

[Guest guest]

But there are some areas where Aspies CHOOSE not to compromise even

though the can, and they hide behind their dx's and use them as a

weapon against their partners. In this case, the Aspies either need to 

find a partner more fitting for them or stay single, or else develop

some maturity.  

Stereotyping really, really upsets me, no matter who does it.

Re: Intimacy and Asperger Syndrome – Can

They Coexist?

-- In FAMSecretSociety , Gail Marie

wrote:

" When I read on forums that say this sort of thing [that NTs are very

put upon and the autistics in their lives just go on their merry

oblivious way getting what they want in these relationships] it makes

me very cranky.

" I think about my current marriage and think of all the things that I

have and do endure. I don't want to go into details, but I most

certainly don't go merrily on doing my own thing while my spouse

suffers. We may suffer about different things at each others hands, but

we both suffer. It comes across to me when I read this sort of thing

that to many, NT suffering is legitimate, while ours is not. It is also

the message I got growing up, that other peoples pain and20concerns

mattered, but not my own.

" Excuse my language, but, bullshit! "

Don't think for a minute that I, as an AS person didn't have problems

with NT girlfriends. I did. And being the one that was " weird " it was

told to me by all of them that it was naturally my responsibility to

change and become normal. Nothing can be more offensive than hearing

something like that.

My view has always been that both partners need to work hard to make

their relationships work be they Aspie or NT or a mix.

Thing is, I tend to observe that many Aspies believe that because it is

they who have the disability, then they must be waited on hand and

foot, even in relationships. There is a sort of learned helplessness

that comes into being sometimes, and I think many Aspies suffer from

this, in which case, they need to face the facts: They either change

and improve the relationship, or they do nothing and let the

relationship implode.

I was watching a TV show about aging, and it was mentioned that older

people tend to have balance problems. To compensate for this, they may

begin to look down at their feet to make sure they watch where they

place them so they do not trip. The next step is to have a cane...and

possibly a case of an arthritic spine in the neck area.

The doctor, himself an old man, said none of that is necessary. The

elderly should NOT watch where they plant their feet

, or they are going

to train their brain to not care about balance. In other words, they

are going to accelerate their loss of balance.

Instead, they should look in the distance as they walk, just as drivers

are taught to look down the road, instead of ten feet in front of the

hood.

Aspies need to quit using their personal handicaps as a comnfort zone

and dwelling in a mire of learned helplessness.

Regarding relationships, there is another alternative, and that would

be to seek out and involve oneself with a compatible person, but it

seems most Aspies fail to do this. While it is rightfully so that

finding a compatible partner for an Aspie is many times harder than it

is for NTs to find NT partners, shouldn't we take right and proper

blame for all that comes with " settling for less " instead of whining

about having to make concessions to someone we CHOSE as a partner in

our passionate impulsivity?

I think one of the problems some of us have that gets us into trouble

is trying to get what we want NOW just to have it, and we don't care

what the reprucussions might be. Relationships are not objects. They

are interactions between two people. Thus another person cannot be

possessed and made to act the way we want them to act. 

If an Aspie is a relationship, then they MUST make some concessions to

the other person just as that person must make concessions to the20

Aspie.

Now there are some areas where an Aspie cannot compromise. In those

circumstances, they need to find a partner who can accept them.

But there are some areas where Aspies CHOOSE not to compromise even

though the can, and they hide behind their dx's and use them as a

weapon against their partners. In this case, the Aspies either need to 

find a partner more fitting for them or stay single, or else develop

some maturity.  

Administrator

[Guest guest]

wrote: " But there are some areas where Aspies CHOOSE not to

compromise even though the can, and they hide behind their dx's and use them as

a weapon against their partners. In this case, the Aspies either need to find a

partner more fitting for them or stay single, or else develop some maturity. "

gprobertson responded: " Stereotyping really, really upsets me, no matter who

does it. "

Again, you are not reading posts as they are written and choosing to insert your

own skewed interpretation of what is being written.

The use of the word " some " indicates that stereotyping is NOT part of the

original post.

It is clear in the original post that IF Aspies are CHOOSING NOT to compromise

where he or she CAN, the suggestion is that the individual CHOOSING NOT to

compromise where he or she CAN would be better served by:

1. remaining single; or

2. developing some maturity beyond what he or she has at that point.

How YOU interpret those comments as stereotyping leaves me gobsmacked ... yet

again!

Raven