who will be there for me?

[Guest guest]

What happens when you are always the strong one? What

if you get sick? What if you just can't take any more?

Everyone says that God doesn't give you more than you

can handle, but this isn't about God. I believe in

him, but I don't think that he has to do with

evrything. Sometimes I think he just sits back and

lets us live our lives. Sometimes maybe he wants to

help us, just like we long to help our loved ones,

husbands and little ones, etc. but we can't. Yah he is

all powerful and all that, but maybe he has physical

laws that restrain him from just stepping in to help.

Maybe the reason he is all powerful, is because he

knows all the laws of nature and physics and how to

manipulate and use them to his advantage, but in order

to do that and for things to not be chaotic he also

has laws to abide by. What if he can't save my

daughter or husband. Maybe he wants to but he can't

make them better. Or else maybe he would be breaking

his own laws.

I don't know, All I know is that at this point, I am

tired of everyone's answer and excuse for everything

is that " oh well, that's what God thinks you can

handle " . The thing is there are people who have died

of stress and overload and their are some who have

killed themselves when the stress is too, much, so

obviousely if it was true about God knowing how much

we can bare and handle that would not ever happen.

I have too much to bare right now, not alone anyway. I

can't even sleep anymore. I get too wound up. My hubby

has been sick since we've been married but he

progressively gets worse and more and more depressed

with his Crohn's disease and always talks about not

making it much more or feeling like he is dying or

wanting to die from the pain. He honestly can't help

much, with anything. I am not mad at him, and don't

expect him too, but it is so hard when I do everything

myself.

My kids are not progressing, infact quite the

opposite. My is still sick and the doctors

said, well it's not Luekemia now, becaus the wacko

white blood count finally went down. But now they

aren't even trying to find out what it is, even though

she is not even close to better yet and they act like

I am an over paronoid mom for wondering after they

told me it was cancer for two weeks and now it is

magically nothing. Even though she has lost 6 pounds

and sleeps 7 hours a day and through the night without

her Melatonin, and gets a fever of 101 or more every

three days or so and then it spikes again and she's

back in the hospital.

Why won't she talk to me. I know she can't but I pray

every day that she will just tell me where it hurts.

My (so far) NT 8 month old baby is sick now too with

just an ear infection, but he's always up screaming. I

never eat and all I do is go go go and I never get a

break and yet I just keep gaining and can never loose

a pound.

Nobody ever seems happy no matter what food I make,

what I do, everybody is always tantruming and fussing

and griping no matter what, it seems like and I am

worn to nearly nothing.

I don't even know if I really want an answer or what

any of you would even answer. I just honestly don't

know how much more I can take. It's past 2am and why

am I not sleeping? I know I should be, but sleep wont

come, I always just feel like throwing up, and I am so

unhealthy myself, but haven't been able to get into a

doctor for me in ages. Oh well, what are moms for

right?

Anyhow, my baby just started screaming and I don't

want him to wake up anyone else so I have to go. But I

wish I could get a break and that just something,

Money, extended family, school, work, something could

go right and easy. I guess that's why it is called

Wishing I will talk to you more later my faceless

friends.

Please don't worry too much about me, I know this is

going to sound like a red flag letter here, but I will

still always stay with my family and take care of

them, because I love them and I KNOW how much they

need me, I am not running away anywhere.

But I just wish I had somebody there just for me. I

want it to be my husband, because he used to be so

good at that, he was so understanding and stuff, but

now it is like he is turning Autistic and even worse.

How selfish that I want someone to be there for me

huh? But it never happens. Oh well, I guess that is

what God is for, and heck even if he isn't real, at

least I can talk to myself outloud without feeling too

stupid at 2, 3 or 4am. Thanks for listening. I'm

sorry, I just don't understand it all. I thought out

of anybody, you guys might be able to understand.

PS my normally non-poop-smearing decided to

have fun today :) along with everything else. I

thought that would bring a smile to others faces.

Thanks for your responces in advance! Esther

__________________________________________________