Re: Why, why why....is my son only bad for me?-update and long post

[Guest guest]

Just an update-this evening was the worst. We came in from playing outside and

he just let loose without warning. He is out of control. Outside he was trying

(and succeeding ) to pull parking signs out of the ground. In the house he

yelled " dad I broke the chain on my bike " which he knows not to yell and which

he broke on purpose. Then he attacked me for about an hour-or I had to restrain

him to prevent attack. At one point I slapped his hand once-now I feel awful and

like I hurt him and he will never trust me again. My hubby just says " we can't

live like this anymore " because he can't sleep. No words of support or that I

did good handling it. I ended up giving him an extra meletonin and he went to

bed a half hour early. I couldn't even get to bathe him-too wild. He screamed

for a good five minutes for no reason. He would not say what what was causing

this.I may have to take him to community mental health after school because I

don't know what to do. I have been crying since he went to bed. I am so alone

and it doesn't help things. My mom jsut got done telling me I " allow " him to be

this way. I don't know where to find the strength to make it another day, right

now. If someone would just be kind and if I could forgive myself (I know there

are parents that spank and slap all the time but I don't. Maybe I said too

negative things and triggered this. It's like he would try to con me he calmed

down only to start throwing again. He threw several gold balls at my head while

I was getting his meds. I jsut feel like a failure. Just needed to vent I guess.

Can't sleep-I am too upset. It's all my fault-or so it feels.

mcihelle

-- In , " barb020961 " wrote:

>

> Bonnie thank you for stating this so succintly. There were many times I

wanted to, well frankly, let loose on a professional, who did not seem to

understand this phenomenon. And it is very difficult to not take it all

personally, since you cannot show evidence...Although I have read here that some

have videotaped their child and showed it to a disbelieving professional. Wish

I'd thought of that.

>

> I did have a degree of vindication on this one once. As our son was waiting

for me to pick him up from his hospital based program, the psychiatrist happened

to be nearby, and witnessed the change of face and demeanor that came over my

son simply seeing me drive up. She commented on this to me, and did speak to my

son, which was something.

>

> Even when they understand this happens, since they don't live it, they can

have no real understanding of the depth and breadth of the whole thing.

AAAAAAHHHHH.....I hate to even remember how crazy making it all was!!!! So glad

to be past it.

>

> Barb

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like a really tough day. I just wanted to send some hugs!!! Everyone does

things they regret later. That is perfectly normal. When my dd was in

residential her very wise therapist told me that everyone deserves some grace,

including ourselves. Please give yourself some grace tonight. You are a loving

mom who is trying to hard to make things better for your son. Good luck, Stormy

________________________________

To:

Sent: Monday, September 21, 2009 8:32:24 PM

Subject: Re: Why, why why....is my son only bad for me?-update

and long post

 

Just an update-this evening was the worst. We came in from playing outside and

he just let loose without warning. He is out of control. Outside he was trying

(and succeeding ) to pull parking signs out of the ground. In the house he

yelled " dad I broke the chain on my bike " which he knows not to yell and which

he broke on purpose. Then he attacked me for about an hour-or I had to restrain

him to prevent attack. At one point I slapped his hand once-now I feel awful and

like I hurt him and he will never trust me again. My hubby just says " we can't

live like this anymore " because he can't sleep. No words of support or that I

did good handling it. I ended up giving him an extra meletonin and he went to

bed a half hour early. I couldn't even get to bathe him-too wild. He screamed

for a good five minutes for no reason. He would not say what what was causing

this.I may have to take him to community mental health after school because I

don't know what to do. I

have been crying since he went to bed. I am so alone and it doesn't help

things. My mom jsut got done telling me I " allow " him to be this way. I don't

know where to find the strength to make it another day, right now. If someone

would just be kind and if I could forgive myself (I know there are parents that

spank and slap all the time but I don't. Maybe I said too negative things and

triggered this. It's like he would try to con me he calmed down only to start

throwing again. He threw several gold balls at my head while I was getting his

meds. I jsut feel like a failure. Just needed to vent I guess. Can't sleep-I am

too upset. It's all my fault-or so it feels.

mcihelle

-- In @ yahoogroups. com, " barb020961 " <barbnesrallah@ ...>

wrote:

>

> Bonnie thank you for stating this so succintly. There were many times I wanted

to, well frankly, let loose on a professional, who did not seem to understand

this phenomenon. And it is very difficult to not take it all personally, since

you cannot show evidence...Although I have read here that some have videotaped

their child and showed it to a disbelieving professional. Wish I'd thought of

that.

>

> I did have a degree of vindication on this one once. As our son was waiting

for me to pick him up from his hospital based program, the psychiatrist happened

to be nearby, and witnessed the change of face and demeanor that came over my

son simply seeing me drive up. She commented on this to me, and did speak to my

son, which was something.

>

> Even when they understand this happens, since they don't live it, they can

have no real understanding of the depth and breadth of the whole thing.

AAAAAAHHHHH. ....I hate to even remember how crazy making it all was!!!! So glad

to be past it.

>

> Barb

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hang in there, . You did not cause this and you are doing the best you

can. Your mom's generation (and my mom's) just won't get it, so don't allow her

words to get to you. It seems like your husband should be offering more help

and support. Is there any way he can go to a mental health appointment with

you? It sure seems like something is bothering your son that he just can't

explain to you and probably doesn't even understand himself. Taking him back to

mental health may be the best thing you can do for both of you.

Thinking of you and sending you all hugs,

> >

> > Bonnie thank you for stating this so succintly. 

> There were many times I wanted to, well frankly, let loose

> on a professional, who did not seem to understand this

> phenomenon.  And it is very difficult to not take it

> all personally, since you cannot show evidence...Although I

> have read here that some have videotaped their child and

> showed it to a disbelieving professional.  Wish I'd

> thought of that.

> >

> > I did have a degree of vindication on this one

> once.  As our son was waiting for me to pick him up

> from his hospital based program, the psychiatrist happened

> to be nearby, and witnessed the change of face and demeanor

> that came over my son simply seeing me drive up.  She

> commented on this to me, and did speak to my son, which was

> something. 

> >

> > Even when they understand this happens, since they

> don't live it, they can have no real understanding of the

> depth and breadth of the whole thing. 

> AAAAAAHHHHH.....I hate to even remember how crazy making it

> all was!!!!  So glad to be past it.

> >

> > Barb

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Sorry it was another tough day . It sure sounds like you could use more

support than you have. I'm not sure what all would be helpful, or what might be

available, hope the community health centre might have some ideas on this.

Do you think it would be helpful to see someone for yourself? We have this

available through community health centre, and I found this helpful myself.

Sometimes just having someone that you can unload it all to, even if they don't

have answers, can help. Of course we are always here!

I'm sure your son does not even know why he is acting as he is, he just can't

cope and so is lashing out. This is not personal, you are just the only person

he can lash out at.

Remember you are a good enough mother, doing the best you can, under impossible

circumstances. This disorder can truly bring you to your knees. As awful as

was today, you made it through, and you will again tomorrow.

I send you love and strength to carry on.

Many hugs,

Barb

>

> Just an update-this evening was the worst. We came in from playing outside and

he just let loose without warning. He is out of control. Outside he was trying

(and succeeding ) to pull parking signs out of the ground. In the house he

yelled " dad I broke the chain on my bike " which he knows not to yell and which

he broke on purpose. Then he attacked me for about an hour-or I had to restrain

him to prevent attack. At one point I slapped his hand once-now I feel awful and

like I hurt him and he will never trust me again. My hubby just says " we can't

live like this anymore " because he can't sleep. No words of support or that I

did good handling it. I ended up giving him an extra meletonin and he went to

bed a half hour early. I couldn't even get to bathe him-too wild. He screamed

for a good five minutes for no reason. He would not say what what was causing

this.I may have to take him to community mental health after school because I

don't know what to do. I have been crying since he went to bed. I am so alone

and it doesn't help things. My mom jsut got done telling me I " allow " him to be

this way. I don't know where to find the strength to make it another day, right

now. If someone would just be kind and if I could forgive myself (I know there

are parents that spank and slap all the time but I don't. Maybe I said too

negative things and triggered this. It's like he would try to con me he calmed

down only to start throwing again. He threw several gold balls at my head while

I was getting his meds. I jsut feel like a failure. Just needed to vent I guess.

Can't sleep-I am too upset. It's all my fault-or so it feels.

>

> mcihelle

>

>

[Guest guest]

Don't blame yourself. The problem is there just aren't good tools

for medication management like there is with diabetes. Your son's levels of

something dopamine, serotonin are too low and he does not

have good impulse or emotional control. What made the levels get worse ...school

started, too much stress at school socially perhaps.

We are living still in the dark ages for medication management of

brain chemistry disorders.

We can take a blood level and see that a person's insulin levels

need adjusting and keep the person stablized, but we can't do that

with the brain. So all kinds of bad things happen.

" A life in the day " from the bipolar foundation is a good DVD,

and in it they talk about how the child saves up his rage for

the mother often.

Too much stress I think can trigger manic like behaviors

(throwing, hitting, biting). I know my daughter is not bipolar

she but yet when the stress at school was too high she

could be enraged if I didn't let her keep doing something

excessively. She looked and acted manic yet she didn't have other

symptoms.

I know how you feel. I really do. It is so lonely not knowing

how to help your child.

The Yale Parenting Conduct Clinic has a over the phone service on using positive

reinforcements to control extreme behaviors.

If you look for a therapist make sure that they understand

behavior modification for kids with severe problems.

I didn't have any luck with any program until the

medication was right and the stress was kept low. Then Yale's

program was great!!!!

He either needs his stresses reduced or medication adjusted. Or

maybe both.

There is hope. Our lives are finally happier now.

It was a storm we were in. And that is where you are at.

Keep looking for treatment for your son.

I am hoping that you find a MD that can really help

your son!

Pam

> >

> > Bonnie thank you for stating this so succintly. There were many times I

wanted to, well frankly, let loose on a professional, who did not seem to

understand this phenomenon. And it is very difficult to not take it all

personally, since you cannot show evidence...Although I have read here that some

have videotaped their child and showed it to a disbelieving professional. Wish

I'd thought of that.

> >

> > I did have a degree of vindication on this one once. As our son was waiting

for me to pick him up from his hospital based program, the psychiatrist happened

to be nearby, and witnessed the change of face and demeanor that came over my

son simply seeing me drive up. She commented on this to me, and did speak to my

son, which was something.

> >

> > Even when they understand this happens, since they don't live it, they can

have no real understanding of the depth and breadth of the whole thing.

AAAAAAHHHHH.....I hate to even remember how crazy making it all was!!!! So glad

to be past it.

> >

> > Barb

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This kind of behavior does sound med related. Have you called the psychiatrist?

Bonnie