Re: Re: Intimacy and Asperger Syndrome – Can They Coexist?

[Guest guest]

Tom wrote:

>>My view has always been that both partners need to work hard to make their

relationships work be they Aspie or NT or a mix.

Agreed. :-)

>>Thing is, I tend to observe that many Aspies believe that because it is they

who have the disability, then they must be waited on hand and foot, even in

relationships.

I personally have not really run into that in the forums and lists I am a part

of. I see more of what I mentioned in my post, that the Aspie is trying very

hard, and the effort is not being appreciated or even recognized. But I agree

that if an Aspie is doing what you describe, it is definitely not right!

That said, I know that I sometimes get accused by DH of using being autistic as

an excuse rather than an explanation of why I may not be able to do something,

or do it well. He even wants me to discontinue being on Aspie lists and forums

as he thinks it is " holding me back " and may make me " worse " , when I am just

taking better care of myself.

For instance, avoiding going into a social situation when I am already

approaching overload. In the past I would have pushed myself to go, which would

usually result in my taking flight out to the car to await my husband when the

sights and sounds finally push me over the edge. To me, not going to a social

function in that instant would ensure this embarrassing situation would not

occur, yet DH sees it as " regressing " . If he was willing to leave when I reached

critical mass, this would help also. But he is not willing to leave if he is

still having a good time.

If I try to explain the difficulties, he says " You need to stay away from those

Asperger places, they are not good for you! " I have always tried very hard in

relationships. So I am definitely approaching this issue from the opposite end

of what you describe.

>>Now there are some areas where an Aspie cannot compromise. In those

circumstances, they need to find a partner who can accept them.

I have been musing lately at all the limitations I *do* have when it comes to

forming, and keeping, relationships. There are just some bits that seem to be,

well, not there. My pastor was talking today about how much he struggled in

algebra in high school, and was even tutored by the resident math genius. No

matter how hard he tried, he couldn't do well.

In his senior year in his final exam in order to graduate he needed a passing

grade. He studied hard, but only got a 63. When his teacher found out that he

had been tutored by the previously mentioned math genius, he changed his grade

to a 65 [passing]. He told my pastor that if even the math genius could not

teach him algebra, then " He didn't have it in him. It is just not there in his

brain to learn it. " and it would be useless to keep taking tests, so he passed

him.

I have learned that there are some things that are just not " in me " either.

There are a lot of things that are, but some that are not. If the bits that are

missing are a deal breaker for someone, then we need to go our separate ways. I

have told DH more than once to feel free to leave me, to not make a martyr out

of himself if I am too difficult to live with. It will not please me and even

will cause me distress.

Usually when I tell him that after he is venting about how it is " Hell on earth

living with me " , he quickly tells me that there are too many wonderful things

about me, so of course he doesn't want to leave. I then tell him that it would

be helpful to tone down the rhetoric. I am very literal and when he says things

like that, I take it at face value and really believe that it has become

unbearable for him to live with me. It gets confusing to hear how I am the most

wonderful person he has ever known, to being " hell to live with " . It does not

compute, Will .

When I married my husband I did not know that I was on the spectrum, though I

knew that I was definitely not " normal " and told him this at the time. If I had

to do it over with the knowldege of myself that I have now, I probably would not

have married him. I am not convinced that I really have the ability to be in

this kind of relationship and do it well enough, even though I want to. I would

never want to be the cause of someone else's misery, even accidently.

So I would never want to get married again if this marriage fails. Not just

because of my deficits, but also beause of what being in this type of

relationship does to me. There are times I think I should have remained as I was

as a child, communing with nature and the animals instead of people. But as it

was I became interested and aware of people around me when I was about 14 and

here I am today.

I am 52.

Take care,

Gail :-)

[Guest guest]

Hi Gail Marie;In some ways we have similarities;I told my husband, before we married, that I was not like other people, had few of the common social traits or constraints, was a non-conformist AND an extreme intorvert. It is almost as if he either did not believe me or did not realize how different I really am. He claims also to be an introvert, yet has always been non-empathetic of my need for time alone or to get overloaded by human contact. When we moved to the city, I was not dependent on him for transportation, so often would go to a social event with him, AND leave before him, either walk or take transit home.This, he seemed to be accepting of, but our friends and acquiantances were not very tolerant. One of my 'people whisperers' suggested that I say "than you, I have had a good time, and am going now",

then when asked to stay, say "I have had enough of a good time", then leave.We do have some differences in coping; Unlike you, I have not told my husband about this forum, or that I possess some of the traits of Aspergers. However, I did tell my daughter, as she has been diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder. My husband's and my life have been made more challenging by our different approaches to others: I am assertive or aggressive and he uses some passive aggresive behaviours. (he avoids conflict like the plague, we have gone for counselling together at times but eventually he saw no need) Also I am a literalist and logical, and he is more sensitive and intuitive. It's almost like you and I are living in a different world or mental space, socially, from many others.renaissanzelady

>>My view has always been that both partners need to work hard to make their relationships work be they Aspie or NT or a mix.

Agreed. :-)

>>Thing is, I tend to observe that many Aspies believe that because it is they who have the disability, then they must be waited on hand and foot, even in relationships.

I personally have not really run into that in the forums and lists I am a part of. I see more of what I mentioned in my post, that the Aspie is trying very hard, and the effort is not being appreciated or even recognized. But I agree that if an Aspie is doing what you describe, it is definitely not right!

That said, I know that I sometimes get accused by DH of using being autistic as an excuse rather than an explanation of why I may not be able to do something, or do it well. He even wants me to discontinue being on Aspie lists and forums as he thinks it is "holding me back" and may make me "worse", when I am just taking better care of myself.

For instance, avoiding going into a social situation when I am already approaching overload. In the past I would have pushed myself to go, which would usually result in my taking flight out to the car to await my husband when the sights and sounds finally push me over the edge. To me, not going to a social function in that instant would ensure this embarrassing situation would not occur, yet DH sees it as "regressing" . If he was willing to leave when I reached critical mass, this would help also. But he is not willing to leave if he is still having a good time.

If I try to explain the difficulties, he says "You need to stay away from those Asperger places, they are not good for you!" I have always tried very hard in relationships. So I am definitely approaching this issue from the opposite end of what you describe.

>>Now there are some areas where an Aspie cannot compromise. In those circumstances, they need to find a partner who can accept them.

I have been musing lately at all the limitations I *do* have when it comes to forming, and keeping, relationships. There are just some bits that seem to be, well, not there. My pastor was talking today about how much he struggled in algebra in high school, and was even tutored by the resident math genius. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't do well.

In his senior year in his final exam in order to graduate he needed a passing grade. He studied hard, but only got a 63. When his teacher found out that he had been tutored by the previously mentioned math genius, he changed his grade to a 65 [passing]. He told my pastor that if even the math genius could not teach him algebra, then "He didn't have it in him. It is just not there in his brain to learn it." and it would be useless to keep taking tests, so he passed him.

I have learned that there are some things that are just not "in me" either. There are a lot of things that are, but some that are not. If the bits that are missing are a deal breaker for someone, then we need to go our separate ways. I have told DH more than once to feel free to leave me, to not make a martyr out of himself if I am too difficult to live with. It will not please me and even will cause me distress.

Usually when I tell him that after he is venting about how it is "Hell on earth living with me", he quickly tells me that there are too many wonderful things about me, so of course he doesn't want to leave. I then tell him that it would be helpful to tone down the rhetoric. I am very literal and when he says things like that, I take it at face value and really believe that it has become unbearable for him to live with me. It gets confusing to hear how I am the most wonderful person he has ever known, to being "hell to live with". It does not compute, Will .

When I married my husband I did not know that I was on the spectrum, though I knew that I was definitely not "normal" and told him this at the time. If I had to do it over with the knowldege of myself that I have now, I probably would not have married him. I am not convinced that I really have the ability to be in this kind of relationship and do it well enough, even though I want to. I would never want to be the cause of someone else's misery, even accidently.

So I would never want to get married again if this marriage fails. Not just because of my deficits, but also beause of what being in this type of relationship does to me. There are times I think I should have remained as I was as a child, communing with nature and the animals instead of people. But as it was I became interested and aware of people around me when I was about 14 and here I am today.

I am 52.

Take care,

Gail :-)

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[Guest guest]

I agree. Society has been coarsening over the last several decades. What is happening now is that people are reacting to the economic troubles in a negative way. What I mean by that is that instead of remaining calm and buckling down, a growing number are turning to crime or demanding a living based on the productivity of others.

I also think that this is going to get worse. Not only is the economy in for more trouble by virtue of all that has happened, the massive expansion of bureaucracy is going to be horribly expansive. That in turn will mean more debt and higher taxes which are both going to stress the economy and the people even more.

Sad to say, but in tough times, being rough is a survival mechanism because being tough, people are less likely to mess with you. Also sadly, if most people tried this approach, they would end up in prison, while the real bad people remained free to plunder.

In a message dated 4/24/2009 5:44:13 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, no_reply writes:

Yes, but I think you are picking up on the vibes that society has been putting out. There have been a lot of shootings and killings as the economy is getting worse. People are getting fearful and angry. I think Aspies are sensitive to the general mood change society is undergoing.Administrator The Average US Credit Score is 692. See Yours in Just 2 Easy Steps!

[Guest guest]

Hi Mimi wrote, excerpted;anyway I have been mostly silent as I myself am dealing with stronger

anxiety in being near people and this makes it hard to do any talking,

I am pretty overwhelmed lately with any exchanges. Maybe I am

rationalizing but I am saving myself for my children. (I think I may be

getting worse as I don't remember being this frightened)

It was school vacation week and I had to see more people than I liked

as in any(strangers)It is only in the past few years that I have learned to 'budget' my contact with others, hence my energy expenditures, If 'work' takes more contact than usual, then I cut back in other areas. My husband at times is quite snide about that, I have learned to ignore his snide remarks. When I over extend myself then I am more likely to hav a meltdown, which with me often takes th form of a 'temper tantrum.'Personally I thnk it is better for us to "budget our time with others," if we need to, so that we can use our time with others where it needs to be used (for Mimi; your kids)when my child was younger I also needed time away from her, that my husband understood to some extent, but 'society' didn;t.renaissanzelady

Subject: Re: Intimacy and Asperger Syndrome – Can They Coexist?To: FAMSecretSociety Received: Friday, April 24, 2009, 9:43 AM

>

snip>

> I think the tone of the book does seem insulting, implying that if the NT partner's emotional/intimacy needs are not being met, it is the fault of the Apergers/autistic person.

> renaissanzelady

>

> > As a psychologist, Dr. Marshack shares poignant true stories â€" based on her own life as well as the lives of her clients.

Mimi adds: I thought this was a giant jab at her ex and a way to prove with a book she was right and he was wrong. This is a bitter woman with little compassion blaming everything on another and admitting nothing (I know plenty of people like this)

The book and the website seems to paint the ASD individual in a relationship as a paria (sp) sucking the life and emotion from another. Often the ASD person in a relationship with an NT is the silent sufferer (never is that person going to write a book)

I would also assume the ASD person may also have a fear of people and conflict and never speak.

Perhaps the relationship is not the one the NT wanted but why crusify another. Why not be honest and ask for what you want.

I have been in relationships where the other person was only intrested in their own desires and not at all in "a partnership relationship" People expect nirvana--- life is not guaranteed nirvana. There is no money back guarentee, and life is work

anyway I have been mostly silent as I myself am dealing with stronger anxiety in being near people and this makes it hard to do any talking, I am pretty overwhelmed lately with any exchanges. Maybe I am rationalizing but I am saving myself for my children. (I think I may be getting worse as I don't remember being this frightened)

It was school vacation week and I had to see more people than I liked

as in any(strangers)

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[Guest guest]

when my child was younger I also needed time away from her, that my

husband understood to some extent, but 'society' didn;t.

I can relate to this and to the importance of budgeting time. I like

those words and will use them in future when I try to explain to people

that I cannot be with people continuously.