Re: Bathroom Issues and Wanting to Give Up

[Guest guest]

I have felt like that too. My dd would only take a shower every 4 days, at the

most! If she left the house, which was extremely rare, she would have huge

visible knots in her hair. I didn't want people to look at her. She looked

terrible. I do want you to know it does get better. My dd is doing great right

now. She is even working a job, when 7 months ago she was totally nonfunctional.

She is even planning to go to college. Hang in there. I hope tomorrow is a

better day. Stormy

________________________________

To:

Sent: Tuesday, August 18, 2009 10:13:50 AM

Subject: Bathroom Issues and Wanting to Give Up

 

My 11 year old daughter refuses to go to the bathroom until is it is too late.

She says it " annoys " her to go. When pushed, it's that it interrupts whatever

she is doing. We seem to have tried everything possible; setting a schedule,

punishment, rewards.

Truth be told, I had a complete meltdown yesterday. In trying to understand the

issue better, I asked questions and she became argumentative - changing the

subject just enough that I found we were arguing about a peripheral issue,

coming back, another engagement off topic, etc. I ended up screaming like a

banshee in order to get her attention and finally getting out of her that going

to the bathroom is " annoying. "

Annoying is having to clean the poop out of her underwear. Annoying is smelling

pee in the laundry room 100% of the time. Annoying is smelling her bedroom which

attracts the cat to pee in her bedroom leading to her never wanting to sleep in

it again and sleeping on the floor in the family room where she has accidents

anyway.

Annoying is feeling like a crappy parent when the screaming disturbs your

sensitive son so much that he cries and wonders if I will end up hurting him

because I am so angry at his sister.

I am so tired of caring so much more about personal hygiene and bossing back OCD

than she does. I am exhausted from doing so much laundry. I've tried having her

do it but going into the laundry room is an OCD thing for her. It's one more

battle and I'm battle weary.

She is doing ERP with her therapist but she is doing baby steps. I'm feeling

resentful because her goals are so small they don't address the issues of her

OCD except to give her a little confidence in those little places like stepping

in the imaginary rectangle. I know these are OCD issues for her but I am tired

of her getting e. Coli, bladder infections, and ignoring her three siblings.

By the way, her therapist is not confrontational. I have talked to her about the

bathroom problems and she gauges my daughter's willingness to address it (she

won't) and it gets dropped.

So many issues regarding the bathroom, skin picking until it bleeds, bodily

functions anyplace but the bathroom, spitting on the carpet, personal hygiene

(showering, combing hair and teeth) and the only goals she makes steer

completely clear of these issues.

Anybody else feel like a completely inept parent, want to run away and never

come back, and rolling in a ball in the corner and crying like blubbering baby?

Sorry for the rambling. I am having a bad, bad day.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Well I think I would be having more than just a bad day from all that you

describe!!!! And yes, I had the fantasy to run away all the time, or to not

take the exit to go home. I have written here before how I did leave home one

night, escaped to Chapters for the evening and contemplated taking a hotel room,

but in the end knew we couldn't afford that. I did a lot of escapist reading,

can recommend Gabaldon series, anything to focus my mind away from OCD!

Others here have dealt with toileting issues and hopefully will chime in. We

had some, but nothing like you describe, more in the bathroom for hours stuff.

Really awful, difficult stuff you are dealing with and you have my complete

empathy on it all!!!

I can certainly share your frustration around the therapy not addressing the

biggest OCD issues. There is a purpose in starting small and growing it, and I

think it is what most follow. However, ours said that until he took on the big

stuff it made little difference, and he also said he found doing it little by

little more difficult. Like ripping off a band-aid slow or fast, both painful,

but one is faster. Suspect this is an individual prefence, and would depend on

level of anxiety for sure.

Having said that, we stayed " stuck " not moving on any of it for two years, in

large part because of medication instability, but also it was a waiting game for

him to be " ready and willing " . Unfortunately you can't want them to get better

more than they do, and they often have to reach their own bottom to become

motivated. Not to imply that those not getting better are not motivated, it all

depends on so many factors.

Ours is very clear that only he could get himself better, no one else could, and

when he was sick of having no life he took it on. I suspect the timeline on

this differs for each person, and of course any other comorbid conditions and

factors as well.

In terms of the parenting part, dealing with this disorder is the most

infuriating, debilitating, discouraging, heart wrenching, and humbling

experience I have had. Nothing can prepare you for it, and it feels like an

unending marathon(Dr Chansky's description), that you just get up and continue

every day....

I wrote to yesterday, that for me, it was letting go of it needing to

be different, acceptance of what is, that brought me some relief. The ache of

it all doesn't go away, but the frustration part lessened.

Like you, I accomodated stuff that would just create more battles, laundry being

one. Kind of have to pick and choose, as everyone is on overload all the time.

I'm wondering if you could negotiate that she wear a diaper, at least at night?

It might force the issue? It seems like a reasonable solution to me, and

addresses your side of the issue. Maybe you could take this up with the

therapist?

If you can try to work solutions framed from your side of things, and yell at

the OCD, and maybe see if you can get her to yell at it too. Anything you can

do to mobilize her against the OCD, and to separate herself from it, so she can

want to be her, without the OCD. Then it can be both of you against the OCD.

Not sure if she is willing talk much about it? Often they are not, and it makes

it difficult to work any solutions. So then you are left to just work your side

of things as best you can.

Again, you have my total empathy . You are not an " inept " parent, just a

normal parent who is levelled by an insanely difficult disorder.

I am sending you cyber hugs!!! and hoping for a better day for you tomorrow, or

the next day....

Warmly,

Barb

Ontario, Canada

Son, 18, OCD, LD - doing quite well now.

>

> My 11 year old daughter refuses to go to the bathroom until is it is too late.

She says it " annoys " her to go. When pushed, it's that it interrupts whatever

she is doing. We seem to have tried everything possible; setting a schedule,

punishment, rewards.

>

> Truth be told, I had a complete meltdown yesterday. In trying to understand

the issue better, I asked questions and she became argumentative - changing the

subject just enough that I found we were arguing about a peripheral issue,

coming back, another engagement off topic, etc. I ended up screaming like a

banshee in order to get her attention and finally getting out of her that going

to the bathroom is " annoying. "

>

> Annoying is having to clean the poop out of her underwear. Annoying is

smelling pee in the laundry room 100% of the time. Annoying is smelling her

bedroom which attracts the cat to pee in her bedroom leading to her never

wanting to sleep in it again and sleeping on the floor in the family room where

she has accidents anyway.

>

> Annoying is feeling like a crappy parent when the screaming disturbs your

sensitive son so much that he cries and wonders if I will end up hurting him

because I am so angry at his sister.

>

> I am so tired of caring so much more about personal hygiene and bossing back

OCD than she does. I am exhausted from doing so much laundry. I've tried

having her do it but going into the laundry room is an OCD thing for her. It's

one more battle and I'm battle weary.

>

> She is doing ERP with her therapist but she is doing baby steps. I'm feeling

resentful because her goals are so small they don't address the issues of her

OCD except to give her a little confidence in those little places like stepping

in the imaginary rectangle. I know these are OCD issues for her but I am tired

of her getting e. Coli, bladder infections, and ignoring her three siblings.

>

> By the way, her therapist is not confrontational. I have talked to her about

the bathroom problems and she gauges my daughter's willingness to address it

(she won't) and it gets dropped.

>

> So many issues regarding the bathroom, skin picking until it bleeds, bodily

functions anyplace but the bathroom, spitting on the carpet, personal hygiene

(showering, combing hair and teeth) and the only goals she makes steer

completely clear of these issues.

>

> Anybody else feel like a completely inept parent, want to run away and never

come back, and rolling in a ball in the corner and crying like blubbering baby?

>

> Sorry for the rambling. I am having a bad, bad day.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi - you got some great responses, so I won't repeat. First of all, I am so

sorry you are all going through this. It is a very painful experience. I just

want to weigh in a little on therapists. There are some wonderful ERP

therapists out there for kids with OCD. Unfortunatly, there are also a lot that

think they understand how to do ERP therapy, but actually don't. We went

quickly backwards with a very kind woman, who just did not fully understand how

to motivate therapy, or how to build the heirarchy of fears. I found that I

had to become an expert on the experts in order to really evaluate the therapy

my daughter, age 8, was getting.

After reading Dr. March's book - Talking Back to OCD: The Program that Helps

Kids and Teens say NO WAY - and Parents Say Way to Go - we immediately changed

therapists, to amazing success. I did not fully understand how helpful it would

be to have a ranked plan of issues that could be slowly dealt with. We do

babysteps as well, but there is always a plan for how to move forward, or off

plateaus. At that age, a lot of family involvement may be needed, especially

for issues that are significantly effecting the entire family. Does she involve

& educate the entire family in the plan? How long has she been in therapy?

Building a foundation for the work can take 4-8 weeks of work.

ERP therapy can be scary, but very rewarding for everyone involved. I just want

to reassure you that questioning the plan is a healthy and smart thing to do if

you are not seeing progress in a reasonable time frame. If it has only been a

few weeks - then maybe give it some more time, and try to find some relief from

the stress for yourself and your son.

Finally, bathroom issues can be for a wide variety of reasons, that kids often

find way too embarrassing to be truthful about. For example, my child thinks

that if she looks down while pooping, it will get in her mouth. Other kids

think that this will take them one step closer to dying. The usually know that

this is irrational, and that makes them feel really pressured for all sides,

including their own brain, to be rational. Hearing from someone very

experienced, about all the things that OCD can " make " you do, if you don't know

how to fight back, can be really helpful. I would bet a lot of money , that

the issue is not that it's " annoying " to her, and I bet she is as mad inside and

as fearful as you are. It's an awful disease for everyone, and I am so sorry

you have had this invade your home and your child. It is so illogical, and can

push anyone past the norm - I have been where your are. Hoping for you with all

my heart - in NC.

>

> My 11 year old daughter refuses to go to the bathroom until is it is too late.

She says it " annoys " her to go. When pushed, it's that it interrupts whatever

she is doing. We seem to have tried everything possible; setting a schedule,

punishment, rewards.

>

> Truth be told, I had a complete meltdown yesterday. In trying to understand

the issue better, I asked questions and she became argumentative - changing the

subject just enough that I found we were arguing about a peripheral issue,

coming back, another engagement off topic, etc. I ended up screaming like a

banshee in order to get her attention and finally getting out of her that going

to the bathroom is " annoying. "

[Guest guest]

Really good advise , to become an expert on the experts!!! This is a

really critical piece.

Unfortunately not everyone has access to these experts, still such a shortage,

and unfortunately many do not follow a family approach. I begged for this. I

am so envious, but happy for you, that this is something you have. Here's

hoping someday this is more available to all!!!

Barb

[Guest guest]

,

running away? cowering in the corner with a pillow over my head? walking out

the door and taking a looooong vacation: ALONE!? You bet! But we stay because

who else would hold it all together and provide the stable foundation our kids

need?

We have the opposite bathroom issues, my dd thinks she has to go all the time!

This is recent, so can't tell if it's medical or OCD. She feels like she

" hasn't got it all out " , so has to return frequently. I checked her for a UTI

which was negative, but that was a couple of weeks ago. She goes for a physical

next week and I have some things to discuss with her ped.

The biggest hygiene issue we have is with her period; I have to constantly talk

to her about hiding the " completed " pads in the trash, wiping up " accidents " ,

and carrying the " products " around with her when she knows she's about to start.

She's had it since she was 11 and is now 15, so you'd think she'd get it, but

I'm sure the OCD is in there somewhere.

Debbie

http://twochinadolls.blogspot.com

____________________________________________________________

Click for a wide selection of quality scales.

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[Guest guest]

Debbie:

 

My daughter also felt she had to go all the time or was not finished. It was an

OCD thing for her. Kerry

Subject: Re: Bathroom Issues and Wanting to Give Up

To:

Date: Tuesday, August 18, 2009, 7:36 PM

 

,

running away? cowering in the corner with a pillow over my head? walking out the

door and taking a looooong vacation: ALONE!? You bet! But we stay because who

else would hold it all together and provide the stable foundation our kids need?

We have the opposite bathroom issues, my dd thinks she has to go all the time!

This is recent, so can't tell if it's medical or OCD. She feels like she " hasn't

got it all out " , so has to return frequently. I checked her for a UTI which was

negative, but that was a couple of weeks ago. She goes for a physical next week

and I have some things to discuss with her ped.

The biggest hygiene issue we have is with her period; I have to constantly talk

to her about hiding the " completed " pads in the trash, wiping up " accidents " ,

and carrying the " products " around with her when she knows she's about to start.

She's had it since she was 11 and is now 15, so you'd think she'd get it, but

I'm sure the OCD is in there somewhere.

Debbie

http://twochinadoll s.blogspot. com

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Click for a wide selection of quality scales.

http://thirdpartyof fers.netzero. net/TGL2241/ fc/BLSrjpYSwFLbs 6I2A79Fv6pssayu0

5uFP1g9gQPqhe45f y0NgMlPiTjiPAE/