Re: Doesn't want to grow up

[Guest guest]

I can remember though being the same way around age 12 and 13...I didn't

know if I still wanted my Barbies or if I wanted to be Captain of the

Cheerleading team & hang with friends at the roller rink. I think that is a

feeling all kids go through in puberty preteens. Some of our kids will

probably go through it a little later or a little longer but still it seems

like a typical feeling.

Re: Doesn't want to grow up

> My missy goes from acting and playing in roles of babies to acting

> like grown teen girl with action and scripts she to sees on TV and it

> is of scare to me because cant get her ti find a balance of who she is

> now and how to be to be okay with her age now. She is stimply still

> struggling in self identity trying to discover who she is to be and

> what is of treu to her in her being. An areas I to feel many on

> spectrum struggle with more so intensely than their NT female peers.

> Sondra

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Autism_in_Girls-subscribe

> ------------------------

> Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe

>

[Guest guest]

My 13 ear old doesn't want to grow up either. She loves baby and toddler

toys and songs and videos. She wants to go back to Kindergarten too. Though

she can't express it, I feel that she feels there was so much less pressure when

she was younger. Expectations weren't as high, school was so much easier and

more fun. Now she's dealing with bras and periods too and there are oh! so

many rules.

I try to respect her and give her the space to be who she is without

completely giving in. So, she can watch baby and toddler shows sometimes, and

she

can sometimes play with baby and toddler toys, as long as it's not ALL she

does and ALL she watches. I have made her several social stories about growing

up. Also I try to point out the neat things that she can do and experience now

that babies can't, and make a big deal about things like her letting me put her

hair in a ponytail with a pretty holder, or her learning to shower, or her

learning to find information in a book. And I mention things that aren't so

great about being a baby like having to wait to have your diaper changed, and

not

being able to make many choices, and not being able to play with lots of toys

that have smaller or more complicated parts, and not being able to use the

computer.

It IS hard to grow up! Especially when one is like a foreigner in a

strange land full of odd rules and strange customs that one is just supposed to

" know " ! Aren't they so very brave and awesome, our daughters?

Melinda

[Guest guest]

hi sonya. i say enjoy the snuggling while it lasts. and happy mothers day( that

is what i call birthdays). maybe you can try taking you daughter to the store

start off in the little girl section then make your way to the big girl section

where she can see all kinds of fun things just for her. my daugther is only 2

but here lately she has been the biggest snuggle bear. i used to dismis things

by saying she was just independant. does your daughter have like little dishes

and other things like mommy? maybe that will help or seeing other children her

age and also babies. i hope this helps so what. strange just yesterday i was

thinking that my daughter seem to want to stay a baby.. could it be that staying

that way is safer?

~ christine~

---------------------------------

Yahoo! Shopping

Find Great Deals on Holiday Gifts at Yahoo! Shopping

[Guest guest]

I was going to write a reply, but Melinda has written it already.

Almost identical story as my 13 year old.

Sometimes when my Lara will tantrum due to stress and anxiety, she will start

crying and screaming that she wants to be a baby, go back to preschool or some

other of her previous schools.

Loren

Re: Doesn't want to grow up

Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 10:46:37 EST

My 13 ear old doesn't want to grow up either. She loves baby and toddler

toys and songs and videos. She wants to go back to Kindergarten too. Though

she can't express it, I feel that she feels there was so much less

pressure when

she was younger. Expectations weren't as high, school was so much easier and

more fun. Now she's dealing with bras and periods too and there are oh! so

many rules.

I try to respect her and give her the space to be who she is without

completely giving in. So, she can watch baby and toddler shows

sometimes, and she

can sometimes play with baby and toddler toys, as long as it's not ALL she

does and ALL she watches. I have made her several social stories about growing

up. Also I try to point out the neat things that she can do and experience now

that babies can't, and make a big deal about things like her

letting me put her

hair in a ponytail with a pretty holder, or her learning to shower, or her

learning to find information in a book. And I mention things that aren't so

great about being a baby like having to wait to have your diaper

changed, and not

being able to make many choices, and not being able to play with lots of toys

that have smaller or more complicated parts, and not being able to use the

computer.

It IS hard to grow up! Especially when one is like a foreigner in a

strange land full of odd rules and strange customs that one is just

supposed to

" know " ! Aren't they so very brave and awesome, our daughters?

Melinda

[Guest guest]

My missy goes from acting and playing in roles of babies to acting

like grown teen girl with action and scripts she to sees on TV and it

is of scare to me because cant get her ti find a balance of who she is

now and how to be to be okay with her age now. She is stimply still

struggling in self identity trying to discover who she is to be and

what is of treu to her in her being. An areas I to feel many on

spectrum struggle with more so intensely than their NT female peers.

Sondra

[Guest guest]

For my missy though it is imiating an ifant or toddler in actions and

words and seeking to play with a toddler toy and many thing she wanted

for christmas were of toys too young for her real of age but we made

good balance with it. then the next day she will try to dress like she

is of 17 with make up on poorly too LOL and try to act and walk like a

teen girl and so we have to remind her she is of only 12.

her development is of close to a 4-7 year old in sub areas of

cognitions. She lacks what a teen really is and thinks all people who

to wear of heels and make up are of teenagers. Even if they are of 40/

Sondra

[Guest guest]

My daughter loves Sesame Street and Ernie. Ernie has a spot in the bed every

night. If he is not there- we have to find him. I think they represent

acceptance- of everyone readily and that 's why I think my daughter likes Sesame

Street so well.

She is interested in some of the things her 14 year old sister likes, like

music. They both love to sing. Their clothes, purses, etc.

However, Ernie is a permanent in our house and for whatever her reason is,

he's staying!

Have a great day!

Candis...daughter is 12 1/2 and 14.

Autism Research Survey online at:

http://www.inclusioncommunitytrainingcenter.org

Candis Firchau,MA,TLPC

Director

Inclusion Community Training Center

Advocacy, Behavioral Interventions, Counseling

and Training

This email is intended exclusively for the person to whom it was addressed. This

email is confidential. If you have received this email by error, please

disregard it.

[Guest guest]

I'm an autistic person who is 58 years and I still watch Seseme Street and

Calliou and other shows like that. I have more stuffed animals, toys and

kids books than FAO Swartz has. THere's nothing wrong with watching Kids

shows. Many are very good. A lot of " grown ups " prefer kids show. Did you

ever hear of Noam Chomsky? He is a famous professor of linguistics at MIT

and he loves Seseme Street and shows like that. I also like animal shows

like Nature and Funniest Animals and Animal Planet. And I have " kids " movies

like Secret of Nimh, Bambi and Babe the Pig. I also have movies like Winged

Migration and March of the Penguins and Fly Away Home. Many kids toys are

very relaxing to play with - like construction toys, musical toys, puzzles.

But even though grown up people can have similar hobbies like wood carving

or playing the guitar, most grownups " relax " by having a stiff drink or

yelling at football people or talking about what some movie star is doing or

wearing.

If a person is home in the daytime there is nothing of any value to watch on

tv in " grown up " programs. Most of it is pure garbage. Jerry Springer has

people abusing and cheating each other followed by fighting and cursing each

other, in another show people fight over who a baby belongs to. Soap operas

are slow motion advertisements for commercials about rugs and drugs and most

talk shows are all filled with stuck up people either bragging or

complaining or telling everyone what to do. Sports shows and games are the

worst waste of time of all. Going for a walk or reading a book beats that

hands down any time. I sometimes watch Judge shows and Dr. Phil, because at

least these are real people and real problems to solve. News shows are a

mixed bag. It's good to know about dangers and storms, but they never tell

any good news, and one can't do anything about the bad news and it is very

depressing. If they have a choice, why wouldn't people want to see simple

things, cute things, educational things instead of things that waste their

brain. Or at least watch them sometimes to balance life a little better.

But it is a sad fact that most people think that they just have to only see

or do what is considered " grown up " . And they don't really know how to have

fun and relax at all. Having drinks and yelling at football people on TV

does something for them, but what it is, is a mystery to me.

Many kids toys are very relaxing to play with. Like construction toys,

musical toys, puzzles. I love my stuffed animals. They are my low

maintenance pets. I can only have a few live pets but I can have a whole zoo

of animals if include them in the family. I pick the ones that look the

most real and I even have tree branches for the birds and forest animals to

perch in.

When I was little I never wanted a fashion doll like Barbie. I wanted a

realistic baby doll. I wanted a boy doll which was hard to find but my mom

found him. BIlly was life size and I could buy him baby clothes and stuff

at the dime store. Fashion dolls did not appeal to me at all. I hated

fashion and dressing up and hair bows and all that stuff. Nobody forced me

to do that stuff. Nobody freaked out because I liked blue clothes instead

of pink. Nobody said I had to do " girl " stuff or couldn't do " boy " stuff.

I could help my father build the garage or help my mother cook dinner either

one. I am not gay I am just not a girly girl. I like mechanical things and

scientific things. I am an artist and I make realistic things. I like to

read. I especially like to read about nature, animals, and religion.

I aways liked art and I looked at books of art from age one up. I like to

do any kind of art or crafts. Now I can make a really good portrait of

someone and I can write a really good article about nature or religion.

When I was little I hated sunday school but I loved church. I liked to be

in the church alone and just to sit or to play the piano or organ. Our

priest knew this and I could get the key from his porch and go there anytime

to " unwind " .

I didn't connect with other kids and playing games with them. I was the odd

person out. I didn't do well in school because of my learning problems.

But I could learn on my own and I did very well by myself going to the

library. If we had the internet back then I might have been able to teach

myself enough to have graduated like other kids and gone to college and

maybe even have gotten a real career as a Vet like I wanted to. But they

didn't have special education back then and nobody knew why I was so

different from other kids or had such trouble in school. So I set off on my

own as I was. I got by with jobs like telephone operator or file clerk and

try to stay safe and have a place to retreat to where things were familiar.

But eventually I became someone that people liked to have working for them

because I was very responsible and did tasks very well. I got better at my

jobs and learned new skills. I made friends through work and through music,

art, religion, and animal activities, that interested me. I educated myself

so well that now I could probably get a degree in a number of different

fields. But I don't need to prove anything.

Eventually I found that the perfect thing for life was to be a Franciscan

Hermit. I do many things for other people and then I go home to recharge.

I also do my art, run a bookstore at my church, and help wild animals that

get hurt until they are well enough to be released. My home is very unique.

It is part chapel and part zoo. There is music playing and it very

peaceful. I have many friends now. People even come to me for advice about

things.

So growing up doesn't have to follow a fixed structure called " growing up "

that has to be followed by the person. The person can be helped to build a

that reflects them as a unique person. My life was difficult, yes. But it

worked out ok, in fact very well. I might not have ever found this life, if

I had had to follow the usual course expected. Even if I had managed to fit

in better, judging by how hard that was to do, I would have been miserable a

lot of the time.

Why not try to find out who your child is and what their unique gifts may

be. Maybe not ALL " the rules " are needed. I hated the stuff about bras and

periods because I was also feeling the pressure that relates to dating and

sex and expectations about dresing certain ways. I was a mass of confusion

and the pressures were coming from all sides and I wanted no part of it.

For me, these things were a good 10 years away from holding any attraction.

She should have to feel pressure like that. Why not help reduce that

pressure. I hated it when someone wanted to " put my hair in pretty holder "

or wear certain clothers or otherwise " be grown up " . These are your ideas

of what being grown up is. Why not ask what SHE wants to be, do, or wear

when she is grown up. Talk about how she will be free to do almost anything

in the whole wide world. Talk about helping her find out what that might

be. Growing up should not be such a nightmare. Don't get stuck in

unimportant details like what her hair looks like.

Maybe your daughter has a gift for being a toy inventor or children's author

or child psychiatrist or children's television producer.

My friend, she is about 30 years old now, was like me. She didn't like

getting pushed into a " grown up " mold. Maybe she wasn't sure about what she

wanted to be when she grew up but she knew what she didn't want. She had

many interests and some of them were really different from what was

expected. In particular, was the unusual interest in trains. She learned

all about trains. Of course, this is not considered a girl's interest.

She tried to follow the expected route and went to college but that was a

disaster. She was miserable and got in trouble in school, and got

depressed. Eventually she decided to follow her interest in trains.

And lo and behold, her love for everything about trains turned into a

career. She repaired trains, built trains and drove trains. People began

to look to her expertise. She has worked on trains and train systems all

over the country and even in foreign countries. Eventually, she got a job

on the biggest rail system in the US as a particular kind of specialist, and

recently she became one of the top supervisers of the whole system.

This is not the only thing she does. She has other interests but it is just

an example that people who do unusual things in life and have particular

gifts, have really precrious beginnings where their gift could get waylayed

or even snuffed out by too much pressure to be like everyone else.

Good luck.

Anastasia

[Guest guest]

Anastasia, one of the problems I have as a mom is knowing what it is

my Allie likes to do. For example, she loves to watch the girls dance

and tries to go in there and dance with them. Yet when I try to put on

dancing shoes to allow her to attend dance class, she says " no " when I

ask her if she wants to take dance. My gut tells me she wants to but

gets scared and that if I pushed her a little she would enjoy it

greatly. By pushing I mean taking her even though she told me no and

having her go in for a couple of classes. But then I start telling

myself I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to

do, but then I tell myself that by not giving her a little nudge she's

missing out on something she really does want to do. Then I get so

frustrated at not knowing what to do I just get angry at myself. Lol,

these are the problems of mothering! I would gladly welcome any advice.

We recently had a kids' chorus (we don't usually have this) do a

little singing/play for church. Allie loved going and singing and even

loved practicing on stage. After a while she would start falling down

on purpose, so we (kid's minister and myself) that she would stand and

sing the first 3 songs then I would go over to the stage and take her

down. We figured that way she would get the enjoyment of singing with

her group, as she seemed to enjoy, but not force her to do it the

entire time. Well, the night of the performance came and she would NOT

stand there at all, she kept running all over the stage. I went up

there in front of the 300 people and gently took her over to her spot

and told her to stand like a good girl next to big sis and sing her

songs. I even stood next to her. First chance of my letting go of her

she started running across the stage and fell in the floor. I went and

got her and took her off the stage and she sat with family & me during

the performance. In my mind I was upset because I felt I was taking

her away from something she loved, yet she was not behaving and could

not ruin it for the other kids who had worked hard. And I also told

myself that I gave her the chance to behave, told her what was

expected and I know she knew it because we had worked through it

during other practices. Then I was angry at myself because I knew I

wanted to see her singing with the group and felt that I was forcing

her to perform when she didn't want to. So again, I had no idea what

was best for Allie.

These are just 2 examples of the problems I have in knowing what to

do. I try to look at what she's showing me and work with her on her

level. Yet she isn't able to communicate exactly what her needs are

and I'm not able to read her mind. Her actions indicate conflicting

messages. If her actions were consistent OR she could otherwise

communicate her needs/wants, then there would be no problem. This is

the aspect of autism frustrated me and I really believe it frustrates

her because she isn't able to express to me in a way I can understand.

If she doesn't want to dance or sing, I'm totally okay with that. If

she wants to dance or sing, I want to give her every opportunity. But

it's the not having a clear message that wears me out!

Debi

[Guest guest]

Debbie yes this can be of hard. But I to feel you are doing right to

allow her exposure but remember her emotional/social ages are uneven

so while she may be to want to dance and sing she may not have the

attention span developmentally to be of complete success to this

yet. Sometimes if we get of sensory overload we can be to act as

some to say off the wall in behavior but we lack what else to do to

get out of the situation but we have learend that if we act out we

get removed and it is then teached to us this is how we get out of

what is too overwhelming for us.

As adult I to find self emerged in to self stimming and or mild acts

of aggressions that can escalate when upset or overwhelmed by

peoples but if attention focuses to me it increases my anxiety if

othere apprach my space in want to help of me. So yes it is hard for

non spectrums to know what to do and when they try to respond as

thier hearts say it sometimes increases our reaction in negative

ways and it seems to cause more barrier than unity at times.

But maybe Allie will respond to social story with a reinforcer

during practice times such as it she stands on the X spot (by

placing taped on X in her spot) for 3 songs she can then sit with

you for treat and or reward of her favorite things . Not used as a

constant to her but to increase ofher ability to tolerate of

settings, and or teach her too if she needs a break to have a cue

she has learned as sign languge to you and this will have to be

reinforced and looked for her in her as she might not know to

reference you when she signals the learned signed cue so it will

have to be watched for and immediatly reienforced and such with a

good reinforcer. It is of better to have this even if it turns for a

time to a escape for her because I to rather her escape with

digntity than to meltdown own stage and or act out in ways that

might center her in a negative fashion . I to like that you did not

allow for her to do that on stage because it would be to be of then

a humilty to her being by to act in odd fashions as it would bring

laughter to her instead of being seen as her trying to communciate

she is overwhelmed. Practice is of practice on stage but when real

audience comes it can increase the overwhem to anyone. which may be

why she can or did do of well in practice but struggled greatly in

performance.

Sondra

[Guest guest]

I to also wanted to share there is of some on spectrum who to enjoy

observing much better than participating and then liking to play in

imiations to our own perceptions of the events later. I to love of

dance and to watch it but have no real ability to coordinate to

dance but at same time my anxiety to learn it would be of ever so

high so it it to me would not be of a reality for me to learn to

dance because to perfom in movement or words as in acting or using

any form of non verbals that others WANT me to do causes a shut down

and resistance for me. I to not be of able to do things is there is

of an expecation for me to do it. Such as in role playing or showing

emotions via use of dolls or such things as pretend play cant do

them at all such as playing real roles from people through dolls I

to have no ability in me to do that. But can pretend play of making

up words I to think my real pets would say and saying words for them

as if they are to be saying them from their own doggie or kitty

world.

I to be off task here but wanted to add that for some of us we to be

to might appear as though we want to be a part of but instead we

might be of just very content to observe siblings dance and or sing

or whatever. I to prefer activities that do not have a focus to me

such as writing and or maybe to learn to create art.

Sondra

[Guest guest]

Re: dance class...

Could Allie observe a class her age before deciding?

Another thing is to see if anywhere has autism dance or dance for kids with

disabilities,

maybe. And still observe before participating. Peoria, where I used to live,

has, or at least

had, an autism " ballet " class that ended up with an anonymous donor who's

funding till the

end of time, pretty much, so it's free for the families. They didn't do actual

ballet, they

explored dance movements and the finished product for recital was more like

jazz, but they

DID participate in recital. When I worked with it they even made a point of

having the

costumes sensory-friendly, each child had a one-to-one volunteer in class and

for recital. It

was a *really* cool program, and they got a standing ovation at recital every

year. Plus it was

a smaller class, and less threatening than " regular " dance. It was at the ballet

studio that was

home to the professional ballet company, of all places.

Just a couple thoughts.

Kassiane

who was afraid to take dance till she was in college and had taken gymnastics

for years, so

knew she wouldn't be TOO bad at it

[Guest guest]

Awesome insight! Thanks for posting, Anastasia.

PennY

>

> I'm an autistic person who is 58 years and I still watch Seseme

Street and

> Calliou and other shows like that. I have more stuffed animals,

toys and

> kids books than FAO Swartz has. THere's nothing wrong with

watching Kids

> shows. Many are very good. A lot of " grown ups " prefer kids

show. Did you

> ever hear of Noam Chomsky? He is a famous professor of

linguistics at MIT

> and he loves Seseme Street and shows like that. I also like

animal shows

> like Nature and Funniest Animals and Animal Planet. And I

have " kids " movies

> like Secret of Nimh, Bambi and Babe the Pig. I also have movies

like Winged

> Migration and March of the Penguins and Fly Away Home. Many kids

toys are

> very relaxing to play with - like construction toys, musical toys,

puzzles.

> But even though grown up people can have similar hobbies like wood

carving

> or playing the guitar, most grownups " relax " by having a stiff

drink or

> yelling at football people or talking about what some movie star

is doing or

> wearing.

>

> If a person is home in the daytime there is nothing of any value

to watch on

> tv in " grown up " programs. Most of it is pure garbage. Jerry

Springer has

> people abusing and cheating each other followed by fighting and

cursing each

> other, in another show people fight over who a baby belongs to.

Soap operas

> are slow motion advertisements for commercials about rugs and

drugs and most

> talk shows are all filled with stuck up people either bragging or

> complaining or telling everyone what to do. Sports shows and

games are the

> worst waste of time of all. Going for a walk or reading a book

beats that

> hands down any time. I sometimes watch Judge shows and Dr. Phil,

because at

> least these are real people and real problems to solve. News

shows are a

> mixed bag. It's good to know about dangers and storms, but they

never tell

> any good news, and one can't do anything about the bad news and it

is very

> depressing. If they have a choice, why wouldn't people want to

see simple

> things, cute things, educational things instead of things that

waste their

> brain. Or at least watch them sometimes to balance life a little

better.

> But it is a sad fact that most people think that they just have to

only see

> or do what is considered " grown up " . And they don't really know

how to have

> fun and relax at all. Having drinks and yelling at football

people on TV

> does something for them, but what it is, is a mystery to me.

>

> Many kids toys are very relaxing to play with. Like construction

toys,

> musical toys, puzzles. I love my stuffed animals. They are my low

> maintenance pets. I can only have a few live pets but I can have a

whole zoo

> of animals if include them in the family. I pick the ones that

look the

> most real and I even have tree branches for the birds and forest

animals to

> perch in.

>

> When I was little I never wanted a fashion doll like Barbie. I

wanted a

> realistic baby doll. I wanted a boy doll which was hard to find

but my mom

> found him. BIlly was life size and I could buy him baby clothes

and stuff

> at the dime store. Fashion dolls did not appeal to me at all. I

hated

> fashion and dressing up and hair bows and all that stuff. Nobody

forced me

> to do that stuff. Nobody freaked out because I liked blue clothes

instead

> of pink. Nobody said I had to do " girl " stuff or couldn't

do " boy " stuff.

> I could help my father build the garage or help my mother cook

dinner either

> one. I am not gay I am just not a girly girl. I like mechanical

things and

> scientific things. I am an artist and I make realistic things. I

like to

> read. I especially like to read about nature, animals, and

religion.

> I aways liked art and I looked at books of art from age one up. I

like to

> do any kind of art or crafts. Now I can make a really good

portrait of

> someone and I can write a really good article about nature or

religion.

>

> When I was little I hated sunday school but I loved church. I

liked to be

> in the church alone and just to sit or to play the piano or

organ. Our

> priest knew this and I could get the key from his porch and go

there anytime

> to " unwind " .

>

> I didn't connect with other kids and playing games with them. I

was the odd

> person out. I didn't do well in school because of my learning

problems.

> But I could learn on my own and I did very well by myself going to

the

> library. If we had the internet back then I might have been able

to teach

> myself enough to have graduated like other kids and gone to

college and

> maybe even have gotten a real career as a Vet like I wanted to.

But they

> didn't have special education back then and nobody knew why I was

so

> different from other kids or had such trouble in school. So I set

off on my

> own as I was. I got by with jobs like telephone operator or file

clerk and

> try to stay safe and have a place to retreat to where things were

familiar.

> But eventually I became someone that people liked to have working

for them

> because I was very responsible and did tasks very well. I got

better at my

> jobs and learned new skills. I made friends through work and

through music,

> art, religion, and animal activities, that interested me. I

educated myself

> so well that now I could probably get a degree in a number of

different

> fields. But I don't need to prove anything.

>

> Eventually I found that the perfect thing for life was to be a

Franciscan

> Hermit. I do many things for other people and then I go home to

recharge.

> I also do my art, run a bookstore at my church, and help wild

animals that

> get hurt until they are well enough to be released. My home is

very unique.

> It is part chapel and part zoo. There is music playing and it very

> peaceful. I have many friends now. People even come to me for

advice about

> things.

>

> So growing up doesn't have to follow a fixed structure

called " growing up "

> that has to be followed by the person. The person can be helped

to build a

> that reflects them as a unique person. My life was difficult,

yes. But it

> worked out ok, in fact very well. I might not have ever found

this life, if

> I had had to follow the usual course expected. Even if I had

managed to fit

> in better, judging by how hard that was to do, I would have been

miserable a

> lot of the time.

>

> Why not try to find out who your child is and what their unique

gifts may

> be. Maybe not ALL " the rules " are needed. I hated the stuff about

bras and

> periods because I was also feeling the pressure that relates to

dating and

> sex and expectations about dresing certain ways. I was a mass of

confusion

> and the pressures were coming from all sides and I wanted no part

of it.

> For me, these things were a good 10 years away from holding any

attraction.

> She should have to feel pressure like that. Why not help reduce

that

> pressure. I hated it when someone wanted to " put my hair in

pretty holder "

> or wear certain clothers or otherwise " be grown up " . These are

your ideas

> of what being grown up is. Why not ask what SHE wants to be, do,

or wear

> when she is grown up. Talk about how she will be free to do

almost anything

> in the whole wide world. Talk about helping her find out what

that might

> be. Growing up should not be such a nightmare. Don't get stuck in

> unimportant details like what her hair looks like.

>

> Maybe your daughter has a gift for being a toy inventor or

children's author

> or child psychiatrist or children's television producer.

>

> My friend, she is about 30 years old now, was like me. She didn't

like

> getting pushed into a " grown up " mold. Maybe she wasn't sure

about what she

> wanted to be when she grew up but she knew what she didn't want.

She had

> many interests and some of them were really different from what was

> expected. In particular, was the unusual interest in trains. She

learned

> all about trains. Of course, this is not considered a girl's

interest.

> She tried to follow the expected route and went to college but

that was a

> disaster. She was miserable and got in trouble in school, and got

> depressed. Eventually she decided to follow her interest in

trains.

> And lo and behold, her love for everything about trains turned

into a

> career. She repaired trains, built trains and drove trains.

People began

> to look to her expertise. She has worked on trains and train

systems all

> over the country and even in foreign countries. Eventually, she

got a job

> on the biggest rail system in the US as a particular kind of

specialist, and

> recently she became one of the top supervisers of the whole system.

>

> This is not the only thing she does. She has other interests but

it is just

> an example that people who do unusual things in life and have

particular

> gifts, have really precrious beginnings where their gift could get

waylayed

> or even snuffed out by too much pressure to be like everyone else.

>

> Good luck.

>

> Anastasia

>

[Guest guest]

She has observed, that's when she tries to get involved, then when we

put on the shoes she freezes and backs off. I tried to get her in

t-ball and I was shadowing her during practice. I was walking her to

bat and I heard her say ever-so-quiet, " I won't be afraid, I won't be

afraid... " That's what makes me think the performance aspect of it is

overwhelming her.

I'm gonna try it again next week. Thankfully, the owners of the dance

studio are SUPER nice. They have told me for over a year to bring her

in and let her try. We're gonna put her with some 4-5 yr olds. She's 6

1/2, but small for her age and think it'll help her blend in. My 3 yr

old takes tap & ballet, it's SO CUTE to see these little girls and

their chubby legs in tights! Many of the 3-4 yr olds run off during

class and stuff, the teacher is SO KIND with them. Seeing the little

ones gives me hope that the studio will be very comfortable with her

and she with them. we don't have any sort of class for sped kids

around, there was one place but I was very unimpressed with the

attitude of those running the class.

Thanks for the advice.

Debi

[Guest guest]

Debi I to wonder if she is of to be part of a class but not told

this and has no demands to participate in the begin in ways of

others entering her space. And ask if she can be to just stay in

socks with no shoes (as the shoes must cue her an expectation is

there for her to participate). Allow you child to enter as she can

when she is able to with no redirections of teaching her steps or

moves in the begin that are of directed for her to learn of them.

Maybe have the teacher at times get close to you child and model the

moves to her in a slower fashion but not directing it to her in

genral sometimes some of us on spectrum learn best by just observing

but the anxiety of one in our space can shut off the ability to

learn for some. Even if it takes of a year of dance in this fashion

or more for her to build a comfort zone or safe within that setting

before trying to add new things such as the shoes to her feet. and

or the teacher directing her to learn a step or two with the

children. She can be encoruaged but is she shys away from this

thinking allow it for now. take the inclusion to the dance slowly as

in the small steps and or chunking it for her.

Sondra

[Guest guest]

>

> She has observed, that's when she tries to get involved, then when we

> put on the shoes she freezes and backs off. I tried to get her in

> t-ball and I was shadowing her during practice. I was walking her to

> bat and I heard her say ever-so-quiet, " I won't be afraid, I won't be

> afraid... " That's what makes me think the performance aspect of it is

> overwhelming her.

Maybe if she went to class already IN shoes, all she'd have to do is get up and

go dance?

Less time to think about messing up between the impulse of " that looks FUN, I

want to do

it! " and " I can't do that, I'll make a mistake! " . Just a thought. It may or may

not be practical

or work. " I won't be afraid " definately does sound like a performance thing.

> I'm gonna try it again next week. Thankfully, the owners of the dance

> studio are SUPER nice. They have told me for over a year to bring her

> in and let her try. We're gonna put her with some 4-5 yr olds. She's 6

> 1/2, but small for her age and think it'll help her blend in. My 3 yr

> old takes tap & ballet, it's SO CUTE to see these little girls and

> their chubby legs in tights! Many of the 3-4 yr olds run off during

> class and stuff, the teacher is SO KIND with them. Seeing the little

> ones gives me hope that the studio will be very comfortable with her

> and she with them. we don't have any sort of class for sped kids

> around, there was one place but I was very unimpressed with the

> attitude of those running the class.

The little tiny ones really are cute. I taught preschool and up tumbling, and

the younger

ones were always the most fun.

It's too bad that the class for kids with special needs isn't well done, those

programs have

the potential to be so rewarding for all involved.

Good luck to Allie and her mom,

Kassiane

[Guest guest]

I think it is the structure that is the problem. She wants to dance, but

she probably just wants to dance in a free form way, to express herself. But

the only opportunity she has To dance with the big girls is in a class

situation and so it entails dancing shoes and classes and lessons and a

forced structure. Any kind of FORCED structure about ANYTHING is going to

be met by opposition. That only changes when she accepts the structure on

her own as her own. This usually means having some understanding of the

structure and why it is good and how it is helpful. I don't think she

really understood the concept of what a play is. AS far as the dancing, if

she could dance with the big girls or even with just you in a non-structured

way she might really like that. Put on some music she likes or that you

like and can communicate with a feeling, like your favorite hit songs you

used to dance to, and dance in a free form way, what they used to call

modern dance or dance exercise, but with no rules or special clothing

needed. Just moving to music. As for the plays, why not have her give a

family play first before one with a big crowd. Act out a story she likes,

or make up one. You could do a little play first your self, maybe

Goldilocks or even act out going to the library. You could be the narrartor

instead of her talking if she doesn't talk much. Noah's Ark would work.She

could be Noah and put all her toy animals in a box/boat and then be the Rain

throwing blue socks or washcloths up in the air. Later she could hold up a

rainbow she colored. She would be the star. Later you could do a play

with the siblings too. She would see how her part is important.

>

> Reply-To: Autism_in_Girls

> Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 20:57:24 -0000

> To: Autism_in_Girls

> Subject: Re: Doesn't want to grow up

>

> Anastasia, one of the problems I have as a mom is knowing what it is

> my Allie likes to do. For example, she loves to watch the girls dance

> and tries to go in there and dance with them. Yet when I try to put on

> dancing shoes to allow her to attend dance class, she says " no " when I

> ask her if she wants to take dance. My gut tells me she wants to but

> gets scared and that if I pushed her a little she would enjoy it

> greatly. By pushing I mean taking her even though she told me no and

> having her go in for a couple of classes. But then I start telling

> myself I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to

> do, but then I tell myself that by not giving her a little nudge she's

> missing out on something she really does want to do. Then I get so

> frustrated at not knowing what to do I just get angry at myself. Lol,

> these are the problems of mothering! I would gladly welcome any advice.

>

> We recently had a kids' chorus (we don't usually have this) do a

> little singing/play for church. Allie loved going and singing and even

> loved practicing on stage. After a while she would start falling down

> on purpose, so we (kid's minister and myself) that she would stand and

> sing the first 3 songs then I would go over to the stage and take her

> down. We figured that way she would get the enjoyment of singing with

> her group, as she seemed to enjoy, but not force her to do it the

> entire time. Well, the night of the performance came and she would NOT

> stand there at all, she kept running all over the stage. I went up

> there in front of the 300 people and gently took her over to her spot

> and told her to stand like a good girl next to big sis and sing her

> songs. I even stood next to her. First chance of my letting go of her

> she started running across the stage and fell in the floor. I went and

> got her and took her off the stage and she sat with family & me during

> the performance. In my mind I was upset because I felt I was taking

> her away from something she loved, yet she was not behaving and could

> not ruin it for the other kids who had worked hard. And I also told

> myself that I gave her the chance to behave, told her what was

> expected and I know she knew it because we had worked through it

> during other practices. Then I was angry at myself because I knew I

> wanted to see her singing with the group and felt that I was forcing

> her to perform when she didn't want to. So again, I had no idea what

> was best for Allie.

>

> These are just 2 examples of the problems I have in knowing what to

> do. I try to look at what she's showing me and work with her on her

> level. Yet she isn't able to communicate exactly what her needs are

> and I'm not able to read her mind. Her actions indicate conflicting

> messages. If her actions were consistent OR she could otherwise

> communicate her needs/wants, then there would be no problem. This is

> the aspect of autism frustrated me and I really believe it frustrates

> her because she isn't able to express to me in a way I can understand.

> If she doesn't want to dance or sing, I'm totally okay with that. If

> she wants to dance or sing, I want to give her every opportunity. But

> it's the not having a clear message that wears me out!

>

> Debi

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Autism_in_Girls-subscribe

> ------------------------

> Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe

>

[Guest guest]

She puts on her shoes sometimes here at home with her sisters. She

loves me to crank up my music and she will dance, dance, dance, and

create her own obstacle course around the pink room (the room we

listen to music in). It's usually walking across a piano stool,

hopping on a cedar chest & walking across it, then onto an end table,

then walking balance-beam across the couch back, hopping into the bay

window seat, then walking on over to a filing cabinet, climbing from

that onto the computer desk, then jumping down and doing it all over

again. She alternates between the obstacle course and standing on the

cedar chest and dancing and singing. What's funny is her sister's

couldn't get her to dance with them, so they started following her

obstacle course and doing it with her. They figured if they couldn't

get her in their world, they'd get in her's, one way or the other they

aim to have their sister!

Debi