Re: Re: Why don't people like any autistics?

[Guest guest]

Hi Miminm:Interesting points!After reading your comments. these occured to me;1. We don't 'do subtelties well,' thus sarcasm or hints often go past us. This 'forces' the other person to either be direct, or to let the matter drop!!2. When a person gives a 'social answer,' we either see it as the truth, or 'see through it' and challenge them.3. We don't play 'mind games' well. If someone continues to tell us about their victimization etc, over many months, and will not take steps to over-come there problems, we eventually give up on them.4. We don't allow other people's use of passive aggressive behaviours to manipulate us.5. We don't multi task well.6. We often have a strong focus and can attend to a task while avoiding distractions, which may make others look scattered.How we

cope with different parts of our lives to avoid overload may differ from how many NT"s cope. When I am at work, I 'leave my personal life at the door as much as possible.' My husband and daughter are NOT my family when we are at work together, I speak to them as colleagues. Usually they respect that. Today, my daughter asked me something of a familial nature, I got distracted from work, then remembered what I was supposed to be doing, and reminded her that "I can't deal with personal stuff here, am not your mother at work".7. Things that upset us may be different than what upsets the average NT.8. we enjoy being challenged and are puzzled when others don't.renaissanzelady

I think this is complex

1. people don't like it when you don't agree with nonsense. It is hard to sway an Autie off their beliefs. This makes people that change their minds often and without grounded reasons angry

2. I think by being unflappable, auties make people feel badly about themselves. NT's seem to like to have people they can pity around. If you can focus and do something really really well this makes others feel jealous and while they dislike you they never look to improve themselves

3. People don't like it when they cannot tease you to make themselves feel better (why can't they upset you?? GRRR)

4. People don't like others that remember direct quotes in an arguement.

in essense Auties are like a mirror that shows the true inner reflection of a person. we are like unforgiving light, we show other their warts and lies. That makes us pariahs (It takes true confidence in onesself to like a person with ASD)

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[Guest guest]

Hi Maurice:I certainly seem to show visible stress at times. (if the person I am dialoguing with is into the 'reflective communication style' and says 'you seem to be stressed", I generally don't find this helpful, just intrusive.) I KNOW when I am stressed but am trying to stay calm and focus on what needs to be done. Generally, if I am unable to stay on task becasue of stress, I will say 'I need some time by myself", and I leave the room.I also have my 'baggage' that tends to 'blind' my openness at times, however if someone points this out to me rationally, I will TRY and re-evaluate. Sometimes I will agree with part of what the person says, and tell them that. (Example: a person, with whom I was in a mutually childish personality conflict, accused me of hating people!

After considering this, I replied 'I don't hate people, I just don't understand them.') Years later, it occured to me that people don't seem to understand me either, even when I think I'm speaking plainly. Going for psycho therapy and reading self help books has given me some insight and helped my behave differently --at times-- BUT sometimes I revert to my 'natural state.'(outspoken and challenging inconsistencies)renaissanzeladySubject: Re: Why don't people like any autistics?To: FAMSecretSociety Received: Saturday, March 14, 2009, 5:19 AM

>

> I think this is complex

>

> 1. people don't like it when you don't agree with nonsense. It is hard to sway an Autie off their beliefs.

I wonder whether this is in our favour. It is hard to sway an NT off their beliefs, when they have a motive of feeling comforted or normal if they cling to them.

We tend to think of NTs as less open to facts than us. Maybe not, if we cling to our own baggage too.

>

> 2. I think by being unflappable, auties make people feel badly about themselves.

Some aspies are affected big time by anxiety and visible nerves when speaking, and show strong moral anger about issues.

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[Guest guest]

Miminm:Interesting perspective!

Some years ago, my own daughter accused me of being an "emotionless B* & *%$", as I am not as overtly empathetic as her dad. We did go for counselling, as she thought of me somewhat like a mixture of Klignon Matriarch and Attilla the Hun.

renaissanzelady

Subject: Re: Why don't people like any autistics?To: FAMSecretSociety Received: Tuesday, March 17, 2009, 12:50 PM

>> > 2. I think by being unflappable, auties make people feel badly about themselves. > > Some aspies are affected big time by anxiety and visible nerves when speaking, and show strong moral anger about issues.>what you are saying is true but I am speaking about their perceptions rather than reality. People always say things like I am a strong person (but I often don't feel that way at all) it is more I cannot help but act given certain stimuli. It puzzles me when other people assume that is a strength (like I have to concentrate on it) It is the reverse, but I get what you were saying.

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[Guest guest]

Hi :I found your insights really thought provoking and (maybe) cautionary.Human nature seems to prefer positive feedback rather than correction, for example: "I found this helpful, but that was not helpful," may not be as well recieved as the half truth "I really appreciated your help" When I was a new mom, I remember hearing someone say to their child;"if you want to help, you must really be helping" As my child grew I used that phrase much more with adults than with her, as I wanted to direct her positively and not squelch her interest in learning. BUT at times found adults would just 'jump in' without asking HOW or IF they could help me, and particlularily in my own territory, I had my own way of doing things, and knew what I was going to do.Refusing help does seem to offend some; when I was younger

and walked most places, acquaintances would offer me a ride, I would say "no thanks" and they would then ask "are you sure?" That was probably a social game that I was not following the rules in.renaissanzelady

Regarding No.2 I believe that many expect one to be grateful for any crumbs (metaphorically) thrown at one, like to be grateful for any help recieved even if that help is more of an hinderance or even harmful.

The story of the lady (sorry can't remember her name, but the article was posted on this forum) who was left without care because she pointed out her carers were lax and not doing the job correctly. I sometimes feel that if we don't gush about how great, fantastic and wonderful the help we recieving is (even if it isn't) then people are less inclined to help - almost like many want grateful victims who will fulfil their own need to help. Hoping I worded this correctly.

Oh and refusing help seems to put people off too, seems to offend some.

>

> I think this is complex

>

> 1. people don't like it when you don't agree with nonsense. It is hard to sway an Autie off their beliefs. This makes people that change their minds often and without grounded reasons angry

>

> 2. I think by being unflappable, auties make people feel badly about themselves. NT's seem to like to have people they can pity around. If you can focus and do something really really well this makes others feel jealous and while they dislike you they never look to improve themselves

>

> 3. People don't like it when they cannot tease you to make themselves feel better (why can't they upset you?? GRRR)

>

> 4. People don't like others that remember direct quotes in an arguement.

>

> in essense Auties are like a mirror that shows the true inner reflection of a person. we are like unforgiving light, we show other their warts and lies. That makes us pariahs (It takes true confidence in onesself to like a person with ASD)

>

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[Guest guest]

A few years ago I took a business course that was designed for working adults. We had people from many different professions and they all had interesting stories to tell.

One of them worked for a German owned chemical company in the next town. For a long time the German executives gave a lot of praise for even the smallest thing. The employees really didn't like this and came to see it as condescending. The fellow in our class finally spoke to them about it. They had been told in Germany that Americans needed a lot of praise and such or they would become demoralized and not work as hard. Our fellow told them that a little praise was good but they were taking it much too far and the workers were seeing it as an insult. So the Germans cut back to a more modest level and morale improved.

I suppose that is the reputation that we have over there.

In high school I had a room mate who's summer job was working at a Hardee's. He used to tell me all the time about how hard the work was, especially breakfast shift making all the biscuits.

Because it motivates people. I don't need "gushing", but I do like to be told I am doing a good job, especially when I am busting my behind and doing more than expected. It is discouraging to not get acknowldegment of a job well done, especially if you are always told whenever you come up short. To be constantly told what you are dong wrong, without ever being recognized for doing well, just sucks the motivation out of many people, including me.[i work at Mcs, which contrary to what some people believe, is very hard work]YMMV.~gail~ A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

[Guest guest]

>>This is so true! I don't understand why, if someone is just doing their job,

they should get lots of praise and thanks and general gushing.

Because it motivates people. I don't need " gushing " , but I do like to be told I

am doing a good job, especially when I am busting my behind and doing more than

expected. It is discouraging to not get acknowldegment of a job well done,

especially if you are always told whenever you come up short. To be constantly

told what you are dong wrong, without ever being recognized for doing well, just

sucks the motivation out of many people, including me.

[i work at Mcs, which contrary to what some people believe, is very hard

work]

YMMV.

~gail~

[Guest guest]

>>My sister worked there. She said it was indeed hard work...and stressful.

Very! Since you are constantly working with a team and as a team, the dynamics

of that can be stressful as well as the actual work. If you have good management

and crew around you it is great. If not, not so much. I have worked for stores

that had good management and bad. The bad was so bad that I left the two stores

that had bad management. The one I am in now is pretty good.

Years ago I got made fun of by a few people as they saw it as not a " real " job,

and assumed anyone could do it. When I first started working at one at age 29, I

was told by my trainer that not everyone was suited to that type of work, and

not to be ashamed if I couldn't hack it.

To my surprise I actually thrived in it. It is very well structured, so I know

what is expected of me and when. When it gets really busy I rise to the

challenge. I can socialize with the customers very well because it is within

that structure, just as you mention that you do well in front of a podium. The

customers like me as I am always polite and friendly to them [as is my nature],

even if I am having a bad day myself.

Since I have been working at this store I have had a few customers in drive-thru

tell me that I am the most polite order taker they have come across, and one

even said I had the most " personality " . A few even said I have a great " radio

voice " . Which I find encouraging and kind of amusing considering the social

struggles of my youth [and some in present day].

~gail~

[Guest guest]

Willliam wrote:

>>In high school I had a room mate who's summer job was working at a Hardee's.

He used to tell me all the time about how hard the work was, especially

breakfast shift making all the biscuits.

 

We hate the breakfast shift at Mcs. It is much harder to cook and much

harder to take orders for. Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief when we

are told we can change to lunch. :-)

~gail~

[Guest guest]

hi Gail Marie;

maybe people differ in what motivates them in a work setting. I don't need lots of affirmation, my current boss tends to be more generous with constructive criticism than he is with praise. I find his constructive criticism is genuinely helpful...

however, he is formally polite, says thank you for someone doing the duties inherent in their work, and does say he really appreciates it when he ask asked someone to do an additional tasks, and they give him the info.

renaissanzelady

Subject: Re: Re: Why don't people like any autistics?To: FAMSecretSociety Received: Monday, April 20, 2009, 2:24 PM

>>This is so true! I don't understand why, if someone is just doing their job, they should get lots of praise and thanks and general gushing. Because it motivates people. I don't need "gushing", but I do like to be told I am doing a good job, especially when I am busting my behind and doing more than expected. It is discouraging to not get acknowldegment of a job well done, especially if you are always told whenever you come up short. To be constantly told what you are dong wrong, without ever being recognized for doing well, just sucks the motivation out of many people, including me.[i work at Mcs, which contrary to what some people believe, is very hard work]YMMV.~gail~

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[Guest guest]

Tom wrote:

>>My sister (who is also an Aspie) hated the drive through the most.

For some reason I am very good at taking orders. It gets more difficult when I

have to take the money as well as take orders, though.

>>She worked drive thru and the front counter sometimes also. Her biggest

complaint was when a carload of people came through and then spent minutes

trying to figure out what to order, and then changing their order as they

ordered.

Ah, yes. I run into that a lot. My coworkers are amazed at how patient I am when

customers do that. I am, also. I am not sure how or why I am able to keep my

cool and just go with the flow.

>>I told her the advertisements on TV that you see with brimming fry boxes must

be a bait and switch operation.

The policy is that the bags and boxes are to be filled so that the fries fit

easily in them. Filled to the top but not stuffed. You would love our store as

our workers tend to stuff the boxes.

>>Incidentally, if anyone ever asks, the reason they are losing money is the

menu. They can rebuild their restaurants and revamp their kitchen, but the food

is no good.

One thing that I loved that they discontinued in my store is the Asian salad. I

loved it. I don't like the other salads.

~gail~

[Guest guest]

>>I think their hamburgers taste good...but they don't taste good. Maybe it is

because they are too greasy.

They are supposed to be a little juicy, but not overly so.

>>Pricing is probably the other problem I have with McD's. If they lowered their

prices a little they could get more customers.

I remember when Mcs prices were a lot lower. These days one sandwich is

almost 5 dollars [the premimum chicken ones]. I remember when you could get a

whole meal for under that.

Pretty soon we are starting the McCaffe, featuring a bunch of specialty coffee

drinks like StarBucks and Dunkin Donuts. Now I have to learn to make those!

~gail~