Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Leah, God has a plan, although it seems so cruel. Sending up lots of prayers for you and Ash. To: From: leahbbaker@... Date: Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:16:33 -0800 Subject: from Leah to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack... she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy... i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will. so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry.... ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 My Dear Leah: We love you dearly, you-Ash-Cam...My heart aches for what you are all going through..and how hard it is not to be torn between what we know and what we want. All we can do is pray...as you said..the inevitable is in God's Hands. Love, Liz > ** > > > to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, > prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting > me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in > beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at > any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend > and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am > having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child > but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't > vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i > left my journal packed and cant unpack... > > she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up > once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was > up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i > wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so > much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and > watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the > hospital and said sorry mommy... > > i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to > the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, > leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my > active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on > her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she > is god's child and it's his will. > > so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love > and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i > have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but > who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i > just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... > sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am > sorry.... > > > ha > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Leah, Baby. I believe that God is crying with you, along with the rest of us......that His heart is breaking too. I believe that God loves you, loves Ashton, and isn't doing this TO you. I believe God wants you to lean on Him. Vent all you need sweetie; we are here. We love you; we love Ashton, and we are praying that you all have peace!!!! As always, all my love and of course, HUGS, Donna > to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack... > > she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy... > > i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will. > > so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry.... > > > ha > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Leah, my heart breaks for you and I am lifting you and your darling girl up in prayer. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. Hugs and prayers, Beth, mom to , 11, ds/autism/leukemia survivor Sent from my iPhone > to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack... > > she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy... > > i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will. > > so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry.... > > > ha > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Leah, I just don't know what to say..........I do want you to know that we are feeling your pain and your anger. It's so hard to take in what I'm reading about Ashton. I hope that all of us are able to give you some kind of comfort if that is even possible knowing what is happening. > to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack... > > she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy... > > i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will. > > so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry.... > > > ha > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 I'm sending hugs...nothing I can say would add anything to what has already been said...This brings memories of my . He passed from this world to the next, in my arms..many years ago, but hearing your words have brought it all back, like it just happened...sending to you...HUGS...PRAYERS...MORE HUGS...and MORE PRAYERS... > ** > > > to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, > prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting > me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in > beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at > any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend > and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am > having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child > but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't > vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i > left my journal packed and cant unpack... > > she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up > once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was > up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i > wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so > much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and > watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the > hospital and said sorry mommy... > > i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to > the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, > leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my > active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on > her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she > is god's child and it's his will. > > so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love > and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i > have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but > who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i > just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... > sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am > sorry.... > > > ha > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Leah, I know it's all been said but I am praying constantly for Ashton and you and Cam. I know it doesn't make it any easier but we all love you and the Queen. She is such a big part of our lives even though we never met in person. I've always been inspired by you and Ashton and all that you have done for her. Terry from Leah to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack... she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy... i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will. so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry.... ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Leah - losing your child is a pain I would wish on no one. Losing the Queen is unbelievable. And yet it is happening. I see her smile, her flower arrangements, her lovely dresses and hear her spirit in your words. As to making funeral arrangements - so difficult to contemplate. But I do have a suggestion IF you are not wanting a traditional funeral. When my mother died, we used a anatomic gift foundation. *http://www.anatomicgift.com/ * These people took care of everything at no cost to us. Then we were free to plan a memorial service to honor her. * * On Sun, Nov 27, 2011 at 9:25 PM, Louise < louise@...> wrote: > Leah, God has a plan, although it seems so cruel. Sending up lots of > prayers for you and Ash. > > To: > From: leahbbaker@... > Date: Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:16:33 -0800 > Subject: from Leah > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending > thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this > is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put > me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a > child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my > best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my > decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly > she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for > venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i > came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack... > > > > she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up > once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was > up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i > wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so > much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and > watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the > hospital and said sorry mommy... > > > > i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to > the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, > leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my > active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on > her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she > is god's child and it's his will. > > > > so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love > and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i > have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but > who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i > just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... > sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am > sorry.... > > > > > > ha > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 My Dear Leah, I have no words to ease your broken heart. I am crying with you. I have been sitting by the computer waiting for the next tidbit of news. Our kids are insightful. Zeb asked me, " What's wrong Mom, are you okay? Are you happy with me? " How do I tell him that I am grieving over the internet but that reminds me how much our kids just want to please us. Ashton has done that for you over and over. She is not finished. Embrace every moment. Praying for a miracle, sending my love and hugs. Charlyne Subject: from Leah To: " " < > Date: Sunday, November 27, 2011, 9:16 PM  to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack...  she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy...  i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will.  so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry....    ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2011 Report Share Posted November 28, 2011 Leah - i having been thinking about you all and praying for you and your whole family. Your words are so vivid and heartfelt - I ache for you and cry inside with you. You're right - life is not fair. You should have many many more years ahead with your best friend. You've been the best Mom she could have wanted, and you made her strong and so loved. I'm praying that you find peace in the joyful, happy years you shared. So many people never experience that kind of love - she has been a great gift to you as you were to her. Please feel the hugs of so many friends out here - we're all holding you close today in thought and in prayer. - Theresa ________________________________ To: " " < > Sent: Sunday, November 27, 2011 9:16 PM Subject: from Leah  to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack...  she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy...  i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will.  so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry....    ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2011 Report Share Posted November 28, 2011 Dear Leah, Your courage and painful honesty humble me- my heart breaks for you and Ashton too- it is too hard to understand all of this. You inspire others to " carpe diem " , sieze the day, because one never knows about tomorrow. You are a beautiful lady and an example of what parental love and sacrifice are all about. My prayers and thoughts for you, Ashton and your family are non-stop. Hugs, Mom to , 8 yrs. old DS/PDD-NOS Colon Cancer Survivor To: From: dehoff5@... Date: Sun, 27 Nov 2011 21:33:20 -0500 Subject: Re: from Leah Leah, my heart breaks for you and I am lifting you and your darling girl up in prayer. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. Hugs and prayers, Beth, mom to , 11, ds/autism/leukemia survivor Sent from my iPhone > to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack... > > she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy... > > i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will. > > so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry.... > > > ha > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2011 Report Share Posted November 28, 2011 Leah, I'm so sorry... I don't even know what to say... continuing to pray of course! One thing I can say though after reading your post about the Queen leaving her legos all over the floor is that it's a reminder to me to remember to cherish the times when dumps out her stuff and leaves it rather than getting upset so quickly! We often don't think of those times as times to cherish until it's too late! Even though it's not easy to understand God's will, I hope that you find comfort in knowing that she will be going to a wonderful place! What a party that will be! Hugs! Heidi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2011 Report Share Posted November 28, 2011 Dear Leah, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My heart aches for you and your family. I lit a candle at church yesterday for your beloved Ashton. I know that God is hearing all our prayers.   Irene 's sister ________________________________ To: " " < > Sent: Sunday, November 27, 2011 8:16 PM Subject: from Leah  to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack...  she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy...  i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will.  so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry....    ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Dear Leah, I don't know what to say that has not been said by all of these wonderful people but my family and I are praying for Ashton and your family as well. You and Ashton have inspired so many and continue to do so even in your darkest hours. Heart Hugs Amy in CT Asher and 's mommy > > Dear Leah, > I am so sorry for what you are going through. My heart aches for you and your family. I lit a candle at church yesterday for your beloved Ashton. I know that God is hearing all our prayers.  >  > Irene > 's sister > > > ________________________________ > > To: " " < > > Sent: Sunday, November 27, 2011 8:16 PM > Subject: from Leah > > >  > to my loving family. i just wanted to thank you for sending thoughts, prayer and th power of love from all corners of the globe. this is hitting me very hard, I think they shall just add another coffin and put me in beside her because she is our whole life. i think when you have a child at any age it shapes you, but i had her at barely 18 so she is my best friend and whole heart. its unfair and unjust, but its not my decision. i am having an internal battle right now with god. i know truly she is his child but dammit to hell she is mine too.... i am sorry for venting but i can't vent on facebook... this is my home so this is where i came to grieve... i left my journal packed and cant unpack... >  > she lays here beside me.. clammy sweating and shallow. she did wake up once today when i gave her a breathing treatment and yelled no maw. she was up for a maybe of an hour but became very pale so she went back to sleep. i wished she would yelll at me again and agin and again.... i love her so much and the tears just fall, but i go outside and sit in the rocker and watch the water, heal some and come back to her... she saw my tears in the hospital and said sorry mommy... >  > i want to believe that this is all a bad nightmare and i will wake up to the old queem making a mess, crawling in bed next to me, making me flowers, leaving her legos all over the floor and coloring me pictures.... i want my active baby back, not the one who lays here with o2 in her nose a diaper on her bummy, and sweats rolling off her cheeks... but its not up to me... she is god's child and it's his will. >  > so many have asked what they can do... just keep on praying sending love and letting me vent if i need too.... and pick me up when i fall down...i have no idea what plans we will make. our family plot is in oklahoma but who has the money for a funeral. sighhhh they are askingme questions and i just am not ready to name a fneral home or any of that shit... sighhhhhhhhhhh she was the queen she likes to party not cry....i am sorry.... >  >  >  ha > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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