Re: Re:husbands

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/24/01 11:46:30 AM Eastern Standard Time,

doug.smith@... writes:

<< I have 5 great kids all under the age of 8. all boys. My son bailey ds

and nowtesting for asd which i am sure of and have been since the age of

3, anyway, my dellima is that my husband means well with bailey but

thinks all he needs is to be treated like the other boys when it comes

to behavior problems, this really frustrates me!!!! then hes like whats

wrong with him he just isn't getting it. and i have to tell my husband

that he is the one that isn't getting it. i need some support. >>

That's hard. I think you have to sit down with your husband and talk about

this. Ask him to read up on DS/ASD. He needs to understand your son's

condition. Reassure him that it's not that you don't want to discipline your

son; just that it needs to be done differently. Try to come up with a

valid plan for appropriate discipline that will have some positive effects

that your hubby can see. Talk to him about how our kids need positive

reinforcement. Explain to him that one of the biggest challenges for kids

with autism is their inability to interpret the human emotion, which includes

anger. Maddie (7, DS and ASD) simply can't understand when we are angry or

upset. We've only JUST gotten her to the point where she is smiling back at

us, therefore understanding happy expressions.

I'm a firm believer that not all kids should be treated the same...DS, ASD,

autism, or NDA. I have 5 and what works for one can have absolutely no

effect on another. My middle son (n, 15) is in the process of being

tested for ADHD. We treat him totally different than the other 4. You

have to do what works for the child. Of course, I'm also a firm believer in

positive reinforcement for ALL kids as well!!!

Good Luck!!!

Donna

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/24/01 11:46:09 AM Eastern Standard Time,

doug.smith@... writes:

<< I have 5 great kids all under the age of 8. all boys. My son bailey ds

and nowtesting for asd which i am sure of and have been since the age of

3, anyway, my dellima is that my husband means well with bailey but

thinks all he needs is to be treated like the other boys when it comes

to behavior problems, this really frustrates me!!!! then hes like whats

wrong with him he just isn't getting it. and i have to tell my husband

that he is the one that isn't getting it. i need some support.

>>

It is tough when you're doing this on your own, but even tougher when you

EXPECT support from a mate, and don't get it. My husband hasn't got a clue

about how to handle Seth, because he never has to. He is good with Seth, but

doesn't know anything about raising him. Partly his fault for not wanting to

learn, partly my fault for always doing everything myself, and partly because

he is working second shift and not here much when Seth is home. I must say,

the older Seth gets, the harder it is to take him every place I go with the

girls. Sounds like you really are desperate. Wish I had answers that would

help you. Are you the same person that asked about getting a diagnosis last

week?

Gail

[Guest guest]

It's tough when it takes one person longer to understand what a child needs

than the other. I don't have any great words of wisdom that will change

that inequality. It honestly feels like my husband has just begun to grasp

how much our son needs and how it impacts all of us. Part of this is

because his work schedule separated him from us for a number of years--he

worked graveyard and slept during the day while I handled the sleepless

nights and days. It was easy for ME to see that something was wrong because

I lived it 20 hours aday.

Sometimes it helps to share the IEP stuff or to share some of the reading

that you're doing. But in the end, he'll understand it when he's ready to

hear it--just like anyone. The best thing you can do is rather than

scolding your husband because *he's* not getting it, gently encourage him

by making suggestions of what might work better. He won't always do it, but

when the do something you've suggested and it works, a connection is made

between father and child that helps reinforce the father changing his

approach.

It took over a year for Rex to begin to see the value in using symbols for

transition swith our son. We still have a hard time getting him to let Andy

choose about the bathroom. Rex's obsession with MAKING Andy use the

bathroom made it harder on all of us to teach Andy. But I couldn't change

him. I am, however, very pleased to see him using the visual transition

schedules we've made and understanding how they work. I still use them

more...but he isn't me. I have to allow him to come to it at his own pace.

I just kept showing him HOW. Sometimes I would step in between the two of

them and " save " Andy. Once Andy was composed and a little time had passed,

I'd get out the visuals and communicate in the way I wished Rex had....and

we'd be successful. Modeling the expected behavior....without judgement.

(Rex beats himself up nicely all by himself....)

And sadly, sometimes one partner or another never makes the transition to

understanding....and is either out on their own emotionally, or the

marriage fails.

An intricate dance, this disability stuff and marriage.

sorry...I " m not much help.

[Guest guest]

I think one thing that helped my husband to " get " it

was that would listen to me a lot better than

him. When he got tired of fighting every single

thing he wanted him to do he started changing and

being more consistant. Another thing was that I had

gotten a job and had to spend a lot more time

alone with and through trail and error he

started to realize what works and what doesn't (which

seemed to change daily there for a while!).

Sometimes men just really don't have a clue. No

offense to any men out there! But their biggest

problem is that they are not mothers. They just don't

think like we do. Anyway, I hope it all works out.

Mom to 11

--- " Joan E. Guthrie Medlen "

wrote:

> It's tough when it takes one person longer to

> understand what a child needs

> than the other. I don't have any great words of

> wisdom that will change

> that inequality. It honestly feels like my husband

> has just begun to grasp

> how much our son needs and how it impacts all of us.

> Part of this is

> because his work schedule separated him from us for

> a number of years--he

> worked graveyard and slept during the day while I

> handled the sleepless

> nights and days. It was easy for ME to see that

> something was wrong because

> I lived it 20 hours aday.

>

> Sometimes it helps to share the IEP stuff or to

> share some of the reading

> that you're doing. But in the end, he'll understand

> it when he's ready to

> hear it--just like anyone. The best thing you can do

> is rather than

> scolding your husband because *he's* not getting it,

> gently encourage him

> by making suggestions of what might work better. He

> won't always do it, but

> when the do something you've suggested and it works,

> a connection is made

> between father and child that helps reinforce the

> father changing his

> approach.

>

> It took over a year for Rex to begin to see the

> value in using symbols for

> transition swith our son. We still have a hard time

> getting him to let Andy

> choose about the bathroom. Rex's obsession with

> MAKING Andy use the

> bathroom made it harder on all of us to teach Andy.

> But I couldn't change

> him. I am, however, very pleased to see him using

> the visual transition

> schedules we've made and understanding how they

> work. I still use them

> more...but he isn't me. I have to allow him to come

> to it at his own pace.

> I just kept showing him HOW. Sometimes I would step

> in between the two of

> them and " save " Andy. Once Andy was composed and a

> little time had passed,

> I'd get out the visuals and communicate in the way I

> wished Rex had....and

> we'd be successful. Modeling the expected

> behavior....without judgement.

> (Rex beats himself up nicely all by himself....)

>

> And sadly, sometimes one partner or another never

> makes the transition to

> understanding....and is either out on their own

> emotionally, or the

> marriage fails.

>

> An intricate dance, this disability stuff and

> marriage.

>

> sorry...I " m not much help.

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

thank you michelle, and joan for your words of support. I think alot of

it is that he doesn't spend as much time with as i do. any of the

kids for that matter. someone has to pay the bills right? mother

to 5

[Guest guest]

Add us to this list. I feel like I cannot leave Matt with my hubby. He

never is with him, totally responsible for him for any extended period of

time! Same story, different main characters.

S

On Wed, 24 Jan 2001 15:52:15 EST smilinggail@... writes:

> In a message dated 1/24/01 11:46:09 AM Eastern Standard Time,

> doug.smith@... writes:

>

> << I have 5 great kids all under the age of 8. all boys. My son

> bailey ds

> and nowtesting for asd which i am sure of and have been since the

> age of

> 3, anyway, my dellima is that my husband means well with bailey but

> thinks all he needs is to be treated like the other boys when it

> comes

> to behavior problems, this really frustrates me!!!! then hes like

> whats

> wrong with him he just isn't getting it. and i have to tell my

> husband

> that he is the one that isn't getting it. i need some support.

> >>

> It is tough when you're doing this on your own, but even tougher

> when you

> EXPECT support from a mate, and don't get it. My husband hasn't got

> a clue

> about how to handle Seth, because he never has to. He is good with

> Seth, but

> doesn't know anything about raising him. Partly his fault for not

> wanting to

> learn, partly my fault for always doing everything myself, and

> partly because

> he is working second shift and not here much when Seth is home. I

> must say,

> the older Seth gets, the harder it is to take him every place I go

> with the

> girls. Sounds like you really are desperate. Wish I had answers

> that would

> help you. Are you the same person that asked about getting a

> diagnosis last

> week?

> Gail

>

> http://www.onelist.com/community/

>

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/24/01 5:24:12 PM Eastern Standard Time,

jmedlen@... writes:

<< I have to chime in here...things went a LOT better after I stopped

expecting. I just " did what I had to do " and tried to be kind to Rex. In

the process, we made progress....and when he saw progress, it was easier to

learn.

I've been operating on the " I can't expect anything...I have to be able to

do this myself or it won't work " premise for about 7 years.

j

>>

LOL Joan!!!! I don't " expect " anymore either. Not after doing all 5 kids

myself. LOL I do still " wish " though. My dh retires in 18 months and then

he will HAVE to learn to take care of Seth. LOL If he's going to be under

foot 24 hours a day, he's going to put in his 50% here, and do it MY way, or

I will go get a job! Yeah, right! I talk a good story!!!! LOL

Gail-who is in the boat I'm in because I really don't TRUST anyone else with

Seth, the girls, putting away laundry, mowing the lawn, doing dishes, yada

yada yada!!!!!! LOL

[Guest guest]

At 03:52 PM 1/24/01 EST, you wrote:

>It is tough when you're doing this on your own, but even tougher when you

>EXPECT support from a mate, and don't get it.

I have to chime in here...things went a LOT better after I stopped

expecting. I just " did what I had to do " and tried to be kind to Rex. In

the process, we made progress....and when he saw progress, it was easier to

learn.

I've been operating on the " I can't expect anything...I have to be able to

do this myself or it won't work " premise for about 7 years.

j

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/24/01 6:44:54 PM Eastern Standard Time,

carmabo@... writes:

<< Male coming in,

*I* think you are all sexists !! :-) It's the CAREGIVER, who

always notices things and knows how to treat the child and what works

with them. I know that in our case with Ignacio I was the first one

to notice his ASD, as I was/am the one with him the most, as his mother

in our case *(someone) has to pay the bills right?* as said quite

correctly !!! The main advantage that women have over men in this

aspect is their highly developed sense of intuition *honed* over many

years of practice since their childhood !!! :-):-)

>>

OOPS!!!!! You're right . It just happens to be the Mom that is usually

the main care giver. LOL I must say, I have met a few men lately that are

the main care givers and are doing a better job than some women I know.

Gosh, some of them cook and clean better too! LOL Now, why wasn't I looking

for a man like that when I got married? LOL

Gail-who is teaching her daughters what is really important in finding a

mate! LOL

[Guest guest]

I have to say that I've been very lucky with my husband. He may not have

seen the autism as quickly as I did (nor did he believe it at first, though

he came to be convinced), but he has a special connection with Ian and is

able to do things with and for him that I cannot. I saw it first because I

spent more time with him; I know his routine because I'm here during it.

But Jim is very capable of stepping in when I'm not here, and while he may

not do things exactly the way I would like him to do them, his way is safe

and fine and valid.

Poor Jim -- I have to say that, because Ian is very Mommy-directed. He will

refuse to do certain things unless I am here -- which means that when I'm

out in the evening, no matter how late I come home, Ian (and my other kids

too, for that matter) is awake and waiting. Sometimes his dependence on me

can be overwhelming and exhausting. Tonight, for example, I could barely

stand the sound of his voice, he'd said " mommy " so many times.

CK,

Mom to Ian (2/89),

(9/90),

and Rose (6/94)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/25/01 11:42:39 AM Eastern Standard Time,

duffey48@... writes:

<< ROTFLOL Gail!!!! My SIL is real good at that too. Another family joke

is

" where's Eileen " . The answer... " Horizontal " . LOL

Donna >>

LOL Donna! Horizontal! I like that! LOL

Gail