Re: Angry phase .....Hi Tracie in Maine

October 23, 2005

Hi Tracie in Maine,

Healing and hugs to you.

I know oh too well what you are feeling. I wish I could say

something to make it better. However, I do hold on to the hope of a

very long-term remission and is the reason I try to keep the body as

healthy as possible to set up an environment for spontaneous

remission. It happens. So hold out hope for one day going in a very

long-term remission.

In the meantime, you have me to vent to and to the board here. It

has been 10 years and I am sad to say the anger comes and goes with

the RA, but the doc is right in that it is a grieving process. I do

still dream of one day being healthy and miss my old self terribly.

I was so very proud of my strength and healthy body and that I was

taking good care of myself to maintain my health. Very shocked when

I got sick and stayed that way. And stayed in denial for a long time.

I would love to have a clean house, so I can relate to a lot of the

responses you got. I do try to do a little at a time but I look at

my baseboards in horror and marks on the walls from when the stepson

lived here and felt the need to play basketball against every wall in

the house even though he had a place in the driveway for that. I can

go on and on about things in the house I wish I had the strength to

clean. Otherwise, they would never get cleaned. I can no longer get

on my knees to do anything including garden. I just do the best I

can, a little everyday. On top of that I have a very messy husband

who will help with cleaning but only after it looks so bad and there

are no clean dishes in the house to eat off of. I prefer more to

maintain things before they get out of hand. Naturally we would have

2 different styles of cleaning. I too am really tired of saying well

I would do if I didn't have such a flare. They just don't get it.

Their brains can't understand how a person can have chronic severe

pain. It does not compute. It doesn't to me either but I have no

choice but to deal with it because it is in my body. My husband aslo

dislikes his work but doing things to switch departments. The

spouses get tired of the disease as we do. It would be nice if RAers

chose their challenge and could switch illnesses like you said in you

message. No we don't get to do that, unfortunatley. Lately I have

been getting upset with my cousin who hasn't a clue about RA and

struggles to lose 40 pounds. I told her I wish my only worry was to

lose 40 pounds because once you lose it, you just have to maintain

it. You can still go on to live a healthy productive life, run for

office, run a coffe shop, paint, sing, dance, etc. whatever your

little heart disires. She says well I guess we all have something.

Whatever. I know I am just being snotty because I am tired of the

pain, but losing weight just doesn't seem to compare to facing this

level of pain daily that we have to face. Ooops I have written a

novel, haven't I. I better go. You are going to have your anger

days. It's okay, just try not to stay there and turn bitter if you

can help it. I do remind myself things can always be worse. I know

it doesn't seem that way but thing really can always be much much

worse. You don't even want to take your mind there where things can

be worse. Also try to stay hopeful and I will stay hopeful for you.

One day you can go into remission. It can happen.

Blessings and healing.

Ebony in Atlanta

October 23, 2005