Not man bashing, but>>>>>

[Guest guest]

Jenn I hear your sorrow. Where are you in this world? Maybe one of us is

near by to be more than a listening ear? All of us have the need to get

support from some source!

As to emotionally unavailable: Sound like your dh has checked out. Not to

criticize another person's spouse, but wasn't he there when the babies were

conceived? Right or wrong, comfortable or nt, he is part of their being and

needs to step up to the plate. IF he can't do it emotionally, he can do it

physically and assume some of the load. He wants a schedulee - then make

one that INCLUDES him in it!

When my kids were small, my dh was deployed, so I had four children under 5

myself. Of course we didn't have Elie then, but I still had 2 in diapers at

the same time, school schedules, baths, doc appoint, etc. I remember taking

my 2 week old baby with me to a doctor's appt for me and shoving him in his

infant seat under a chair in the examining room to get him out of the way!!

The base nursery would take the other kids for drop off, but not a new

born!! And then being told that one could not bring kids to doc. appt!

Not to try to one up you. Maybe a a conversation with dh and third party -

liek your preacher, a doc, someone who could help you both see a way to

parent together?? It is possible that he doesn't realize what is really

going on.

Men sometimes are so clueless. My dh is just realizing with the grandkids

how much work there is with young children and how much enjoyment he could

have had - he was never home when our kids were small - flying visits

between deployments where I kept the kids clean, quiet, entertained, etc.

On Sun, Aug 1, 2010 at 11:20 PM, Jenn Ortiz

wrote:

>

>

> Amy,

> I had to take a few hours after reading your response before I finally

> decided to answer. I actually wasnt, but felt the need to....

> I appreciate your comment about not sounding rude, and maybe I am an overly

> sensitive person, but I just wanted to make sure you understood that the

> only reason I mentioned your comment was because, I was lying to myself and

> never " dared " to complain vocally and perhaps was actually jelous at the

> fact that you had the courage to do so. As I read your post I was upset

> because through these years I have " trained " myself never to complain.

> Perhaps because I thought that it would jinx me, perhaps because of the lack

> of support from family members, making me feel that maybe this is happening

> to my son because of something I did or failed to do. The guilt is unerving.

> This is why I started last nights post by stating that I apologized to the

> person who complained about traveling for judging her in my own mind.

> I actually felt sad/betrayed by your comment simply because I have never

> found it useful to go into the who has it worse wars. In this journey with

> our special son, I daily pray and give thanks for having just as he

> is when I clearly know and see others who have it so much worse. (this is

> possibly another reason why I bottle things up and feel guilty to complain).

> I have found such great joy to find this group. Like many of you have staed

> there are not too many of us out there, dealing with multiple diagnosis. As

> humans, women and mothers we seek out others for advice, help and

> reassurance. Some of us are lucky enough to have a partner or close family

> support while other face this alone day in and day out. I have a husband.

> The father of my 4 children. Physically he is there, but emotionally...not

> so much. I lost my best friend and husband when things got rough with

> . I get guilt trips mostly from him for having our daughter in 2008,

> and

> you can only imagine what he had to say when we found out we were expecting

> our 4rth when our daughter was only 3 months old. I daily get the " well you

> wanted to have more kids....I knew this was going to happen " when things get

> rough and I ask for just a little help. I find myself depending, at times

> DEMANDING my poor 13 year old to assist me when I just cant divide myself

> anymore. This of course only adds to the guilt, knowing how unfair it is to

> put such burden and responsibility on him.

> You mention your other child with special needs. I sympathize with you. My

> last born, Tyler is in and out of hospitals like Jonthan for Phenumonias,

> asthma, allergies, etc. I have a personal relationship, sadly enough with

> the nursing staff at our local hospital and our pediatricians office because

> it is a revolving door ith me. We joke at times, the dr saying " you know,

> with these frequent visits, people are going to start to talk " , or I get the

> " is our frequent flyer around here " when I get to the hospital. Its

> funny, but really its not....

> I do not have family here. Not a soul. My husband has a few cousins in the

> area but as some of you stated, a lot of family give you sympathy stares but

> rarely step up to help.

> I find myself taking showers past midnight daily. Going to bed after 2am

> because if I have any down time for me it has to be after the kids are

> asleep. This is when I can catch up on reseraching, taking webinars for IEP

> education, etc. only to wake up to s morning tantrums somewhere

> around 6 am.

> I am deeply saddened that you misinyerpreted what I had to say when I

> stated about the complaining. I was actually trying to say that we all have

> thought about what could have been, me included, but I just felt guilty to

> voice it out.

> I am thankful and understand the purpose of this group, which is why I did

> not send any kind of response to you ina judging way after your comment. I

> appreciate all the kind words I have received from so many of you. I can

> only say that I truly feel you are my only " ears " Like I mentioned before,

> my husband is emotionally unavailable. i am constantly criticized for not

> having a " routine " or " schedule " in our household. He has even told me to

> take parenting clasees. Though I KNOW this is untrue and that I do the very

> best I can juggling therapy appointments, doctor appoiuntments, school

> issues for and my 13 yr old, run a household that include ALL

> housework, feeding, toiletring (3 kids in diapers, is not potty

> trained either), baths, feeding, sleeping, etc. my heart also fees troubled

> thinking maybe he is right. there is something I am not doing right.

> I am sorry to go on and on but again, I hav no other source of

> communication, I just feel taht I may just continue to keep feelings to

> myself and strictly share expereinces and ideas as I obviously offended you

> and that was not my purpose or motive.

> Thaks agin to all for shring with me and giving me much needed

> encouragement.

>

> Jenn

>

>