Guest guest Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my son - giving a direction, anything - FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your face. Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can live with either choice. THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - Forth and do not give in . EVER> The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to apply. The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. IMHO> -- Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 This is OTish because I'm speaking about my non-DS kids here...but Sara, I use very similar rules. And yet, my kids are hooligans! I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I took all 4 to Target today. sat in the cart seat, Annika sat in the back of the cart (she listens well and I know I can count on her to sit nicely!). The two boys were poking, punching, kicking each other. I kept having to tell them to seperate! listens but doesn't. He lost use of his DS for two hours. Near the end, the cart was getting full so Annika had to walk. I had them make a triangle with taking the point in front of the cart and and Annika to either side of me. I pretended we were conveying the king () thru enemy territory and they were the guards. The kids liked that, but still got rammy. He just doesn't have ANY regard for directives, from anyone. Even in karate. I know this is what the psychologist meant when she said that he's very self-directed. And I know the Asperger's and anxiety and ADHD all play a part. But I feel like all I do is tell him to stop stuff that he should know better than to do in the first place. The school cst person has expressed how difficult it is to motivate . It is equally difficult to punish him. There's not really anything that he hates to lose, and spanking is not a good idea when we are working so hard to teach him (black/white thinker that he is) that hitting is not acceptable. Any ideas????? Sent from my iPhone One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my son - giving a direction, anything - FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your face. Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can live with either choice. THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - Forth and do not give in . EVER> The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to apply. The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. IMHO> -- Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 SEPARATE< SEPARATE - When I had 4 kids under 5 (none with labels at that time), I had the same problems. I tried NEVER to take all of them to the store. Remember one particularly stressful day when I took 2 at a time to get shoes - leaving 2 at home with a neighbor, returning, depositing 2 and getting 2 more. Took almost 4 hours and the shoe store was only 2 miles away!!! Four is overpowering to the adult. Have you know way to break the cabal into smaller groups where you have a chance to maintain control?? And my strict structure - was very difficult when my kids were small because I never really rrealized in those days how very rigid I needed to become to succeed with Elie. My other kids were able to weasel me, blind side me, manipulate me into giving in - no matter what it was!! I would look for something of high value to SEAN that you can reward him with - punishment doesn't work at all with Elie. Only rewards - and he can sit for 2 hours refusing to do (or in an ASD fog) and then suddenly come out of it, do what was requested of him, and want his reward. Since we keep our word, he gets his jr frosty - right now the high reward item of choice. > > > This is OTish because I'm speaking about my non-DS kids here...but Sara, I > use very similar rules. And yet, my kids are hooligans! I feel like I'm > doing everything wrong. I took all 4 to Target today. sat in the cart > seat, Annika sat in the back of the cart (she listens well and I know I can > count on her to sit nicely!). The two boys were poking, punching, kicking > each other. I kept having to tell them to seperate! listens but > doesn't. He lost use of his DS for two hours. Near the end, the cart was > getting full so Annika had to walk. I had them make a triangle with > taking the point in front of the cart and and Annika to either side of > me. I pretended we were conveying the king () thru enemy territory and > they were the guards. The kids liked that, but still got rammy. He just > doesn't have ANY regard for directives, from anyone. Even in karate. I know > this is what the psychologist meant when she said > that he's very self-directed. And I know the Asperger's and anxiety and > ADHD all play a part. But I feel like all I do is tell him to stop stuff > that he should know better than to do in the first place. The school cst > person has expressed how difficult it is to motivate . It is equally > difficult to punish him. There's not really anything that he hates to lose, > and spanking is not a good idea when we are working so hard to teach him > (black/white thinker that he is) that hitting is not acceptable. > > Any ideas????? > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 5:10 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > wrote: > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my > son - giving a direction, anything - > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your > face. > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can live > with either choice. > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > apply. > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > IMHO> > > -- > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 We are able to fund rewards that he SAYS will motivate him, but when push comes to shove he's frequently just not able to earn them. I think sometimes he's so anxious that he won't earn it that he ends up sabotaging himself. And sometimes the little guy just can't get it together. In the moment, his rational mind (the part that wants the reward) just isn't driving his actions. He's in sensory overload and just reacting to the stress of " too much, too fast, too chaotic). I feel so bad for him. The only time he has consistently earned a reward is when we eat before going someplace he wants to go, and he's sitting there still eating, and I begin to go about the process of leaving. He'll rush to finish eating if he knows I have the option of leaving him home! He also has a remarkable ability to get himself dressed and ready to go quickly in the same circumstances (I'm going someplace fun and DH or my MIL is home so I can leave him). It pisses me off to no end to know that he CAN get his little butt dressed so fast when he wants to! I want him to do that every day. . Four on one is very hard. I don't often do it!!! But sometimes I have to. I am always amazed to see children just walking along quietly with their mom (in a group). With us, / works pretty well because S ott tries to help. But with or Annika, instigates half the time and annoys the other half! I have to seperate them. just seems to have a NEED to poke at people (could be ODD) and Annika do very very well together, unless he's in a mood, in which case he's annoyed by the fact that she breathes and takes up space. It happens sometimes and is never a good thing at all. / works OK, /Annika is hard because they both need help with carseats and stuff. I did ok with all four at karate today. The boys played DS during Annika's class, and she watched YouTube vids on my iPhone during and 's class. Sent from my iPhone SEPARATE< SEPARATE - When I had 4 kids under 5 (none with labels at that time), I had the same problems. I tried NEVER to take all of them to the store. Remember one particularly stressful day when I took 2 at a time to get shoes - leaving 2 at home with a neighbor, returning, depositing 2 and getting 2 more. Took almost 4 hours and the shoe store was only 2 miles away!!! Four is overpowering to the adult. Have you know way to break the cabal into smaller groups where you have a chance to maintain control?? And my strict structure - was very difficult when my kids were small because I never really rrealized in those days how very rigid I needed to become to succeed with Elie. My other kids were able to weasel me, blind side me, manipulate me into giving in - no matter what it was!! I would look for something of high value to SEAN that you can reward him with - punishment doesn't work at all with Elie. Only rewards - and he can sit for 2 hours refusing to do (or in an ASD fog) and then suddenly come out of it, do what was requested of him, and want his reward. Since we keep our word, he gets his jr frosty - right now the high reward item of choice. > > > This is OTish because I'm speaking about my non-DS kids here...but Sara, I > use very similar rules. And yet, my kids are hooligans! I feel like I'm > doing everything wrong. I took all 4 to Target today. sat in the cart > seat, Annika sat in the back of the cart (she listens well and I know I can > count on her to sit nicely!). The two boys were poking, punching, kicking > each other. I kept having to tell them to seperate! listens but > doesn't. He lost use of his DS for two hours. Near the end, the cart was > getting full so Annika had to walk. I had them make a triangle with > taking the point in front of the cart and and Annika to either side of > me. I pretended we were conveying the king () thru enemy territory and > they were the guards. The kids liked that, but still got rammy. He just > doesn't have ANY regard for directives, from anyone. Even in karate. I know > this is what the psychologist meant when she said > that he's very self-directed. And I know the Asperger's and anxiety and > ADHD all play a part. But I feel like all I do is tell him to stop stuff > that he should know better than to do in the first place. The school cst > person has expressed how difficult it is to motivate . It is equally > difficult to punish him. There's not really anything that he hates to lose, > and spanking is not a good idea when we are working so hard to teach him > (black/white thinker that he is) that hitting is not acceptable. > > Any ideas????? > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 5:10 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > wrote: > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my > son - giving a direction, anything - > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your > face. > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can live > with either choice. > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > apply. > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > IMHO> > > -- > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 , maybe giving small rewards for things that he can earn like dressing may work,start small. Charlyne  > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my > son - giving a direction, anything - > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your > face. > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can live > with either choice. > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > apply. > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > IMHO> > > -- > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 In the school year, he gets stickers on a chart for following his morning routine. Each sticker is $.10 of " Wii money " and he has the opportunity to earn $1 a day towards buying Pokemon Heartgold for the Wii. He has about $20 in the bank now (the reward changes). I really get tired of hearing my chatter with my kids...I either have to talk nonstop to keep them engaged on something other than poking at each other, or I have to constantly correct their behavior. We're getting ready to go hiking in Maine for a week and I know we're going to have trouble with the older two running up ahead. Oy! Sent from my iPhone , maybe giving small rewards for things that he can earn like dressing may work,start small. Charlyne > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my > son - giving a direction, anything - > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your > face. > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can live > with either choice. > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > apply. > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > IMHO> > > -- > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 My biggest condolences to you - the only consolation I can offer is that eventually, some or all will 'grow up " . The issues will be different, but I found easier to deal with. I found that when my four got a little older, I could depend on Alan (my oldest) to take charge in an emergency - and only in an emergency. The rest of the time he was the biggest problem. And his twin, Rhonda could be counted on to solve all problems - but then she got in the way of all the others because she could analyze what would go wrong. Now the littler two would go along with which ever twin looked like they were having the most fun - which mainly meant Alan - which was great if there was an emergency (I recall a tornado coming and once a field fire!), rest of the time he led mischief. But Rhonda would be in charge because she could see all possible dangers and manage to feed and clean up if I left for a SHORT while. Of course all in the time before Elie. Yes - I can remember those days. > > > We are able to fund rewards that he SAYS will motivate him, but when push > comes to shove he's frequently just not able to earn them. I think sometimes > he's so anxious that he won't earn it that he ends up sabotaging himself. > And sometimes the little guy just can't get it together. In the moment, his > rational mind (the part that wants the reward) just isn't driving his > actions. He's in sensory overload and just reacting to the stress of " too > much, too fast, too chaotic). I feel so bad for him. The only time he has > consistently earned a reward is when we eat before going someplace he wants > to go, and he's sitting there still eating, and I begin to go about the > process of leaving. He'll rush to finish eating if he knows I have the > option of leaving him home! He also has a remarkable ability to get himself > dressed and ready to go quickly in the same circumstances (I'm going > someplace fun and DH or my MIL is home so I can leave him). It pisses me off > to no end to know that he CAN get his little butt dressed so fast when he > wants to! I want him to do that every day. . > > Four on one is very hard. I don't often do it!!! But sometimes I have to. > > I am always amazed to see children just walking along quietly with their > mom (in a group). With us, / works pretty well because S ott > tries to help. But with or Annika, instigates half the time and > annoys the other half! I have to seperate them. just seems to have a > NEED to poke at people (could be ODD) and Annika do very very well > together, unless he's in a mood, in which case he's annoyed by the fact that > she breathes and takes up space. It happens sometimes and is never a good > thing at all. / works OK, /Annika is hard because they both > need help with carseats and stuff. > > I did ok with all four at karate today. The boys played DS during Annika's > class, and she watched YouTube vids on my iPhone during and 's > class. > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 9:57 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > wrote: > > SEPARATE< SEPARATE - When I had 4 kids under 5 (none with labels at that > time), I had the same problems. I tried NEVER to take all of them to the > store. Remember one particularly stressful day when I took 2 at a time to > get shoes - leaving 2 at home with a neighbor, returning, depositing 2 and > getting 2 more. Took almost 4 hours and the shoe store was only 2 miles > away!!! > > Four is overpowering to the adult. Have you know way to break the cabal > into smaller groups where you have a chance to maintain control?? > > And my strict structure - was very difficult when my kids were small > because > I never really rrealized in those days how very rigid I needed to become to > succeed with Elie. > > My other kids were able to weasel me, blind side me, manipulate me into > giving in - no matter what it was!! > > I would look for something of high value to SEAN that you can reward him > with - punishment doesn't work at all with Elie. > > Only rewards - and he can sit for 2 hours refusing to do (or in an ASD fog) > and then suddenly come out of it, do what was requested of him, and want > his > reward. Since we keep our word, he gets his jr frosty - right now the high > reward item of choice. > > On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 9:38 PM, Cookson <macookson@...<macookson%40yahoo.com>> > wrote: > > > > > > > This is OTish because I'm speaking about my non-DS kids here...but Sara, > I > > use very similar rules. And yet, my kids are hooligans! I feel like I'm > > doing everything wrong. I took all 4 to Target today. sat in the > cart > > seat, Annika sat in the back of the cart (she listens well and I know I > can > > count on her to sit nicely!). The two boys were poking, punching, kicking > > each other. I kept having to tell them to seperate! listens but > > > doesn't. He lost use of his DS for two hours. Near the end, the cart was > > getting full so Annika had to walk. I had them make a triangle with > > taking the point in front of the cart and and Annika to either side > of > > me. I pretended we were conveying the king () thru enemy territory > and > > they were the guards. The kids liked that, but still got rammy. He > just > > doesn't have ANY regard for directives, from anyone. Even in karate. I > know > > this is what the psychologist meant when she said > > that he's very self-directed. And I know the Asperger's and anxiety and > > ADHD all play a part. But I feel like all I do is tell him to stop stuff > > that he should know better than to do in the first place. The school cst > > person has expressed how difficult it is to motivate . It is equally > > difficult to punish him. There's not really anything that he hates to > lose, > > and spanking is not a good idea when we are working so hard to teach him > > (black/white thinker that he is) that hitting is not acceptable. > > > > Any ideas????? > > > > > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > > > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 5:10 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com> > <pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > > > wrote: > > > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my > > son - giving a direction, anything - > > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your > > face. > > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can > live > > with either choice. > > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will > > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen > > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > > apply. > > > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him > > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various > > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, > > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > > > IMHO> > > > > -- > > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 , My daughter has 3 boys and 1 girl. They are better behaved now but at one time they were at each other constantly. She married a guy with two boys. I'll save my comments on that one but they both have issues. The Dad worked 2 fulltime jobs and a part-time job on the weekend when those boys were very young. He came home one evening and the Mom was gone. The boys were alone, 3 and 8 mos. The older boy has attachment disorder, adhd and was sight impaired., not diagnosed at that time.The younger boy is different. I can tell you that their behavior was challenging. She worked with a very good psychologist that helped her get daily life in order. She put up a white board in the kitchen with each child's daily schedule and chores. They all have a reward chart. She runs the place like a militant. It took sometime to get their life manageble. The boys have their days but overall their change in behavior is amazing. She never cuts them any slack. I'm not certain I could live that rigid but she says it's the only way with these boys. The kids are all doing great and are happy. She never takes them shopping together. She is doing school shopping and takes each child out after dinner alone. Dad stays with the other kids. The 3 that remain home are all given a strict schedule in her absence. I suppose the key is to be extremely organized. Charlyne > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my > son - giving a direction, anything - > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your > face. > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can live > with either choice. > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > apply. > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > IMHO> > > -- > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 Sara, we have moments of maturity, which are fabulous! Last week at the lake, went ballistic on this very big kid who was changing 's sand structure. doesn't care, but does. Anyway, the kid got really really mad at (who apparently came in swinging!). All this happened in the 2 minutes that Annika and I were buying popcorn, and DH was with on the playground. So, saw in trouble and came over, got between and the other kid, and started trying to talk the kid (who was bigger than ) down. When I came back on the beach, I saw standing his ground, calm, while this very obviously angry big kid was being very aggressive. I was glad that wasn't backing down, but concerned. I called him over for popcorn, but he stayed to talk the kid down some more. The kid did calm down and came over and told me the story...a friend of mine saw the whole thing and said that was incredible; took just the right attitude, was calm and focused and neither aggressive nor wimpy. I was so proud!!! So, they have their moments. A few anyway. Sent from my iPhone My biggest condolences to you - the only consolation I can offer is that eventually, some or all will 'grow up " . The issues will be different, but I found easier to deal with. I found that when my four got a little older, I could depend on Alan (my oldest) to take charge in an emergency - and only in an emergency. The rest of the time he was the biggest problem. And his twin, Rhonda could be counted on to solve all problems - but then she got in the way of all the others because she could analyze what would go wrong. Now the littler two would go along with which ever twin looked like they were having the most fun - which mainly meant Alan - which was great if there was an emergency (I recall a tornado coming and once a field fire!), rest of the time he led mischief. But Rhonda would be in charge because she could see all possible dangers and manage to feed and clean up if I left for a SHORT while. Of course all in the time before Elie. Yes - I can remember those days. > > > We are able to fund rewards that he SAYS will motivate him, but when push > comes to shove he's frequently just not able to earn them. I think sometimes > he's so anxious that he won't earn it that he ends up sabotaging himself. > And sometimes the little guy just can't get it together. In the moment, his > rational mind (the part that wants the reward) just isn't driving his > actions. He's in sensory overload and just reacting to the stress of " too > much, too fast, too chaotic). I feel so bad for him. The only time he has > consistently earned a reward is when we eat before going someplace he wants > to go, and he's sitting there still eating, and I begin to go about the > process of leaving. He'll rush to finish eating if he knows I have the > option of leaving him home! He also has a remarkable ability to get himself > dressed and ready to go quickly in the same circumstances (I'm going > someplace fun and DH or my MIL is home so I can leave him). It pisses me off > to no end to know that he CAN get his little butt dressed so fast when he > wants to! I want him to do that every day. . > > Four on one is very hard. I don't often do it!!! But sometimes I have to. > > I am always amazed to see children just walking along quietly with their > mom (in a group). With us, / works pretty well because S ott > tries to help. But with or Annika, instigates half the time and > annoys the other half! I have to seperate them. just seems to have a > NEED to poke at people (could be ODD) and Annika do very very well > together, unless he's in a mood, in which case he's annoyed by the fact that > she breathes and takes up space. It happens sometimes and is never a good > thing at all. / works OK, /Annika is hard because they both > need help with carseats and stuff. > > I did ok with all four at karate today. The boys played DS during Annika's > class, and she watched YouTube vids on my iPhone during and 's > class. > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 9:57 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > wrote: > > SEPARATE< SEPARATE - When I had 4 kids under 5 (none with labels at that > time), I had the same problems. I tried NEVER to take all of them to the > store. Remember one particularly stressful day when I took 2 at a time to > get shoes - leaving 2 at home with a neighbor, returning, depositing 2 and > getting 2 more. Took almost 4 hours and the shoe store was only 2 miles > away!!! > > Four is overpowering to the adult. Have you know way to break the cabal > into smaller groups where you have a chance to maintain control?? > > And my strict structure - was very difficult when my kids were small > because > I never really rrealized in those days how very rigid I needed to become to > succeed with Elie. > > My other kids were able to weasel me, blind side me, manipulate me into > giving in - no matter what it was!! > > I would look for something of high value to SEAN that you can reward him > with - punishment doesn't work at all with Elie. > > Only rewards - and he can sit for 2 hours refusing to do (or in an ASD fog) > and then suddenly come out of it, do what was requested of him, and want > his > reward. Since we keep our word, he gets his jr frosty - right now the high > reward item of choice. > > On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 9:38 PM, Cookson <macookson@...<macookson%40yahoo.com>> > wrote: > > > > > > > This is OTish because I'm speaking about my non-DS kids here...but Sara, > I > > use very similar rules. And yet, my kids are hooligans! I feel like I'm > > doing everything wrong. I took all 4 to Target today. sat in the > cart > > seat, Annika sat in the back of the cart (she listens well and I know I > can > > count on her to sit nicely!). The two boys were poking, punching, kicking > > each other. I kept having to tell them to seperate! listens but > > > doesn't. He lost use of his DS for two hours. Near the end, the cart was > > getting full so Annika had to walk. I had them make a triangle with > > taking the point in front of the cart and and Annika to either side > of > > me. I pretended we were conveying the king () thru enemy territory > and > > they were the guards. The kids liked that, but still got rammy. He > just > > doesn't have ANY regard for directives, from anyone. Even in karate. I > know > > this is what the psychologist meant when she said > > that he's very self-directed. And I know the Asperger's and anxiety and > > ADHD all play a part. But I feel like all I do is tell him to stop stuff > > that he should know better than to do in the first place. The school cst > > person has expressed how difficult it is to motivate . It is equally > > difficult to punish him. There's not really anything that he hates to > lose, > > and spanking is not a good idea when we are working so hard to teach him > > (black/white thinker that he is) that hitting is not acceptable. > > > > Any ideas????? > > > > > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > > > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 5:10 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com> > <pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > > > wrote: > > > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to my > > son - giving a direction, anything - > > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on your > > face. > > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can > live > > with either choice. > > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we will > > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to listen > > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > > apply. > > > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for him > > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other various > > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being FIRM, > > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > > > IMHO> > > > > -- > > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 I wish you more and more of those moments. Short story. My Alan went to travel camp at ages 10-12. Some time in that time frame while on a hiking trip, his partner feel, gashing his leg open. Alan turned the kid so his leg was UP HILL and put a pressure dressing on the wound. Saved the kid's life as we were told about it. All kinds of Kudos and praise. 2 days later, Alan threw some object out the window of the bus - got suspended from camp for a week for breaking rules. This was a repeated problem and to this day is one - if he gets a reward or praise, inevitably he will screw up shortly. Too bad he is now 43 and not 10!!! > > > Sara, we have moments of maturity, which are fabulous! Last week at the > lake, went ballistic on this very big kid who was changing 's sand > structure. doesn't care, but does. Anyway, the kid got really > really mad at (who apparently came in swinging!). All this happened in > the 2 minutes that Annika and I were buying popcorn, and DH was with > on the playground. So, saw in trouble and came over, got between > and the other kid, and started trying to talk the kid (who was bigger > than ) down. When I came back on the beach, I saw standing his > ground, calm, while this very obviously angry big kid was being very > aggressive. I was glad that wasn't backing down, but concerned. I > called him over for popcorn, but he stayed to talk the kid down some more. > The kid did calm down and came over and told me the story...a friend > of mine saw the whole thing and said that was incredible; took > just the right attitude, was calm and focused and neither aggressive nor > wimpy. I was so proud!!! > > So, they have their moments. > > A few anyway. > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > On Aug 14, 2010, at 9:47 AM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > wrote: > > My biggest condolences to you - the only consolation I can offer is > that eventually, some or all will 'grow up " . The issues will be different, > but I found easier to deal with. > > I found that when my four got a little older, I could depend on Alan (my > oldest) to take charge in an emergency - and only in an emergency. The rest > of the time he was the biggest problem. And his twin, Rhonda could be > counted on to solve all problems - but then she got in the way of all the > others because she could analyze what would go wrong. > > Now the littler two would go along with which ever twin looked like they > were having the most fun - which mainly meant Alan - which was great if > there was an emergency (I recall a tornado coming and once a field fire!), > rest of the time he led mischief. But Rhonda would be in charge because > she could see all possible dangers and manage to feed and clean up if I > left > for a SHORT while. > > Of course all in the time before Elie. Yes - I can remember those days. > > On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 11:12 PM, Cookson <macookson@...<macookson%40yahoo.com>> > wrote: > > > > > > > We are able to fund rewards that he SAYS will motivate him, but when push > > comes to shove he's frequently just not able to earn them. I think > sometimes > > he's so anxious that he won't earn it that he ends up sabotaging himself. > > And sometimes the little guy just can't get it together. In the moment, > his > > rational mind (the part that wants the reward) just isn't driving his > > actions. He's in sensory overload and just reacting to the stress of " too > > much, too fast, too chaotic). I feel so bad for him. The only time he has > > consistently earned a reward is when we eat before going someplace he > wants > > to go, and he's sitting there still eating, and I begin to go about the > > process of leaving. He'll rush to finish eating if he knows I have the > > option of leaving him home! He also has a remarkable ability to get > himself > > dressed and ready to go quickly in the same circumstances (I'm going > > someplace fun and DH or my MIL is home so I can leave him). It pisses me > off > > to no end to know that he CAN get his little butt dressed so fast when he > > wants to! I want him to do that every day. . > > > > Four on one is very hard. I don't often do it!!! But sometimes I have to. > > > > I am always amazed to see children just walking along quietly with their > > mom (in a group). With us, / works pretty well because S ott > > tries to help. But with or Annika, instigates half the time > and > > annoys the other half! I have to seperate them. just seems to have > a > > NEED to poke at people (could be ODD) and Annika do very very well > > together, unless he's in a mood, in which case he's annoyed by the fact > that > > she breathes and takes up space. It happens sometimes and is never a good > > thing at all. / works OK, /Annika is hard because they > both > > need help with carseats and stuff. > > > > I did ok with all four at karate today. The boys played DS during > Annika's > > class, and she watched YouTube vids on my iPhone during and 's > > class. > > > > > > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 9:57 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com> > <pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > > wrote: > > > > SEPARATE< SEPARATE - When I had 4 kids under 5 (none with labels at that > > time), I had the same problems. I tried NEVER to take all of them to the > > store. Remember one particularly stressful day when I took 2 at a time to > > get shoes - leaving 2 at home with a neighbor, returning, depositing 2 > and > > getting 2 more. Took almost 4 hours and the shoe store was only 2 miles > > away!!! > > > > Four is overpowering to the adult. Have you know way to break the cabal > > into smaller groups where you have a chance to maintain control?? > > > > And my strict structure - was very difficult when my kids were small > > because > > I never really rrealized in those days how very rigid I needed to become > to > > succeed with Elie. > > > > My other kids were able to weasel me, blind side me, manipulate me into > > giving in - no matter what it was!! > > > > I would look for something of high value to SEAN that you can reward him > > with - punishment doesn't work at all with Elie. > > > > Only rewards - and he can sit for 2 hours refusing to do (or in an ASD > fog) > > and then suddenly come out of it, do what was requested of him, and want > > his > > reward. Since we keep our word, he gets his jr frosty - right now the > high > > reward item of choice. > > > > On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 9:38 PM, Cookson <macookson@...<macookson%40yahoo.com> > <macookson%40yahoo.com>> > > wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > This is OTish because I'm speaking about my non-DS kids here...but > Sara, > > I > > > use very similar rules. And yet, my kids are hooligans! I feel like I'm > > > doing everything wrong. I took all 4 to Target today. sat in the > > cart > > > seat, Annika sat in the back of the cart (she listens well and I know I > > can > > > count on her to sit nicely!). The two boys were poking, punching, > kicking > > > each other. I kept having to tell them to seperate! listens but > > > > > doesn't. He lost use of his DS for two hours. Near the end, the cart > was > > > getting full so Annika had to walk. I had them make a triangle with > > > > taking the point in front of the cart and and Annika to either > side > > of > > > me. I pretended we were conveying the king () thru enemy > territory > > and > > > they were the guards. The kids liked that, but still got rammy. He > > just > > > doesn't have ANY regard for directives, from anyone. Even in karate. I > > know > > > this is what the psychologist meant when she said > > > that he's very self-directed. And I know the Asperger's and anxiety and > > > ADHD all play a part. But I feel like all I do is tell him to stop > stuff > > > that he should know better than to do in the first place. The school > cst > > > person has expressed how difficult it is to motivate . It is > equally > > > difficult to punish him. There's not really anything that he hates to > > lose, > > > and spanking is not a good idea when we are working so hard to teach > him > > > (black/white thinker that he is) that hitting is not acceptable. > > > > > > Any ideas????? > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > > > > > > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 5:10 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com> > <pastmidvale%40gmail.com> > > <pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > > > > > wrote: > > > > > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to > my > > > son - giving a direction, anything - > > > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on > your > > > face. > > > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can > > live > > > with either choice. > > > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we > will > > > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to > listen > > > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > > > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > > > > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > > > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > > > apply. > > > > > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for > him > > > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other > various > > > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being > FIRM, > > > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > > > > > IMHO> > > > > > > -- > > > > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 Alan sounds so much like , both the good and the bad! Sent from my iPhone I wish you more and more of those moments. Short story. My Alan went to travel camp at ages 10-12. Some time in that time frame while on a hiking trip, his partner feel, gashing his leg open. Alan turned the kid so his leg was UP HILL and put a pressure dressing on the wound. Saved the kid's life as we were told about it. All kinds of Kudos and praise. 2 days later, Alan threw some object out the window of the bus - got suspended from camp for a week for breaking rules. This was a repeated problem and to this day is one - if he gets a reward or praise, inevitably he will screw up shortly. Too bad he is now 43 and not 10!!! > > > Sara, we have moments of maturity, which are fabulous! Last week at the > lake, went ballistic on this very big kid who was changing 's sand > structure. doesn't care, but does. Anyway, the kid got really > really mad at (who apparently came in swinging!). All this happened in > the 2 minutes that Annika and I were buying popcorn, and DH was with > on the playground. So, saw in trouble and came over, got between > and the other kid, and started trying to talk the kid (who was bigger > than ) down. When I came back on the beach, I saw standing his > ground, calm, while this very obviously angry big kid was being very > aggressive. I was glad that wasn't backing down, but concerned. I > called him over for popcorn, but he stayed to talk the kid down some more. > The kid did calm down and came over and told me the story...a friend > of mine saw the whole thing and said that was incredible; took > just the right attitude, was calm and focused and neither aggressive nor > wimpy. I was so proud!!! > > So, they have their moments. > > A few anyway. > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > On Aug 14, 2010, at 9:47 AM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > wrote: > > My biggest condolences to you - the only consolation I can offer is > that eventually, some or all will 'grow up " . The issues will be different, > but I found easier to deal with. > > I found that when my four got a little older, I could depend on Alan (my > oldest) to take charge in an emergency - and only in an emergency. The rest > of the time he was the biggest problem. And his twin, Rhonda could be > counted on to solve all problems - but then she got in the way of all the > others because she could analyze what would go wrong. > > Now the littler two would go along with which ever twin looked like they > were having the most fun - which mainly meant Alan - which was great if > there was an emergency (I recall a tornado coming and once a field fire!), > rest of the time he led mischief. But Rhonda would be in charge because > she could see all possible dangers and manage to feed and clean up if I > left > for a SHORT while. > > Of course all in the time before Elie. Yes - I can remember those days. > > On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 11:12 PM, Cookson <macookson@...<macookson%40yahoo.com>> > wrote: > > > > > > > We are able to fund rewards that he SAYS will motivate him, but when push > > comes to shove he's frequently just not able to earn them. I think > sometimes > > he's so anxious that he won't earn it that he ends up sabotaging himself. > > And sometimes the little guy just can't get it together. In the moment, > his > > rational mind (the part that wants the reward) just isn't driving his > > actions. He's in sensory overload and just reacting to the stress of " too > > much, too fast, too chaotic). I feel so bad for him. The only time he has > > consistently earned a reward is when we eat before going someplace he > wants > > to go, and he's sitting there still eating, and I begin to go about the > > process of leaving. He'll rush to finish eating if he knows I have the > > option of leaving him home! He also has a remarkable ability to get > himself > > dressed and ready to go quickly in the same circumstances (I'm going > > someplace fun and DH or my MIL is home so I can leave him). It pisses me > off > > to no end to know that he CAN get his little butt dressed so fast when he > > wants to! I want him to do that every day. . > > > > Four on one is very hard. I don't often do it!!! But sometimes I have to. > > > > I am always amazed to see children just walking along quietly with their > > mom (in a group). With us, / works pretty well because S ott > > tries to help. But with or Annika, instigates half the time > and > > annoys the other half! I have to seperate them. just seems to have > a > > NEED to poke at people (could be ODD) and Annika do very very well > > together, unless he's in a mood, in which case he's annoyed by the fact > that > > she breathes and takes up space. It happens sometimes and is never a good > > thing at all. / works OK, /Annika is hard because they > both > > need help with carseats and stuff. > > > > I did ok with all four at karate today. The boys played DS during > Annika's > > class, and she watched YouTube vids on my iPhone during and 's > > class. > > > > > > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 9:57 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com> > <pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > > wrote: > > > > SEPARATE< SEPARATE - When I had 4 kids under 5 (none with labels at that > > time), I had the same problems. I tried NEVER to take all of them to the > > store. Remember one particularly stressful day when I took 2 at a time to > > get shoes - leaving 2 at home with a neighbor, returning, depositing 2 > and > > getting 2 more. Took almost 4 hours and the shoe store was only 2 miles > > away!!! > > > > Four is overpowering to the adult. Have you know way to break the cabal > > into smaller groups where you have a chance to maintain control?? > > > > And my strict structure - was very difficult when my kids were small > > because > > I never really rrealized in those days how very rigid I needed to become > to > > succeed with Elie. > > > > My other kids were able to weasel me, blind side me, manipulate me into > > giving in - no matter what it was!! > > > > I would look for something of high value to SEAN that you can reward him > > with - punishment doesn't work at all with Elie. > > > > Only rewards - and he can sit for 2 hours refusing to do (or in an ASD > fog) > > and then suddenly come out of it, do what was requested of him, and want > > his > > reward. Since we keep our word, he gets his jr frosty - right now the > high > > reward item of choice. > > > > On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 9:38 PM, Cookson <macookson@...<macookson%40yahoo.com> > <macookson%40yahoo.com>> > > wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > This is OTish because I'm speaking about my non-DS kids here...but > Sara, > > I > > > use very similar rules. And yet, my kids are hooligans! I feel like I'm > > > doing everything wrong. I took all 4 to Target today. sat in the > > cart > > > seat, Annika sat in the back of the cart (she listens well and I know I > > can > > > count on her to sit nicely!). The two boys were poking, punching, > kicking > > > each other. I kept having to tell them to seperate! listens but > > > > > doesn't. He lost use of his DS for two hours. Near the end, the cart > was > > > getting full so Annika had to walk. I had them make a triangle with > > > > taking the point in front of the cart and and Annika to either > side > > of > > > me. I pretended we were conveying the king () thru enemy > territory > > and > > > they were the guards. The kids liked that, but still got rammy. He > > just > > > doesn't have ANY regard for directives, from anyone. Even in karate. I > > know > > > this is what the psychologist meant when she said > > > that he's very self-directed. And I know the Asperger's and anxiety and > > > ADHD all play a part. But I feel like all I do is tell him to stop > stuff > > > that he should know better than to do in the first place. The school > cst > > > person has expressed how difficult it is to motivate . It is > equally > > > difficult to punish him. There's not really anything that he hates to > > lose, > > > and spanking is not a good idea when we are working so hard to teach > him > > > (black/white thinker that he is) that hitting is not acceptable. > > > > > > Any ideas????? > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > > > > > > > On Aug 13, 2010, at 5:10 PM, Sara Cohen <pastmidvale@...<pastmidvale%40gmail.com> > <pastmidvale%40gmail.com> > > <pastmidvale%40gmail.com>> > > > > > wrote: > > > > > > One thing that I have reiterated until I am blue: IF one is talking to > my > > > son - giving a direction, anything - > > > FIRST: Get his attention. Make sure he is facing you and focused on > your > > > face. > > > Second: Never ever say anything which has an either or unless you can > > live > > > with either choice. > > > THIRD: Never give an ultimatum -(- First clean your room and THEN we > will > > > get a frosty. No clean room, no frosty). UNLESS you are willing to > listen > > > to request for the frosty even if he hasn't done what you asked - > > > Forth and do not give in . EVER> > > > > > > The best part of the stage of parenting I am in, is that I get to give > > > suggestions, advice, reflections - but only once a month do I have to > > > apply. > > > > > > The above firmness and structure with which I lived for 20 years for > him > > > (and not to say how many years before with his siblings and other > various > > > kids in my house) is EXHAUSTING> But the consequences of not being > FIRM, > > > CONSISTANT, UNWAIVERING, is chaos. > > > > > > IMHO> > > > > > > -- > > > > Sara- different pathways lead to Nirvana. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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