Feeling down today

[Guest guest]

Hi Roseanne,

Oh hon, I really do feel for you! This must be so hard for you. It's

not easy for him either because we build up these ideas in our minds

about what married life is supposed to be like and when illness comes

into the picture it sends us into a tailspin! Being chronically ill is

so difficult and living with a chronically ill person is hard too. It's

hard to relate to someone sick all the time if you haven't experienced

it yourself. I know it was hard for my hubby to relate to this too with

my RA for so many long years. He sure wasn't all that sympathetic.

However, now he has had problems with his knees and surgery on one of

them, so now he can relate a lot more to what I am going through.

Could you get him into counseling? I know it would be too difficult for

you to pay for counseling right now but there are a lot of pastor's in

churches trained to do marital counseling. It sounds like you both need

a mediator to help you work through this. It cannot be healthy for your

son and your family to see you both going through this.

Being stuck in a job that you hate is really miserable. I've been

through that. Starting a business of your own isn't easy either and

that's probably a lot on his shoulders and making him crabby too. It's

going to take understanding on both of your parts to work through this.

If he's already quit his job and starting in his own business, then

there's not much you can do about it other than to be supportive of him

even if you don't agree with his decision. Sometimes we have to put

aside what we feel is best and just give our spouse the love and

encouragement that they need. I know it's hard to swollow the pride and

be the first to bend...but if one of you doesn't do it then the friction

will go beyond repair. I know it's hard but sometimes you've got to

make sacrifices for the one you chose to marry. Who knows, maybe he

will get this business up and running and it will be even better than

his old job that he quit. You never know. But it won't succeed if you

don't put your all into it and he won't feel confident in doing it if

you don't support him at all.

I strongly suggest counseling because you've got hurt that you need to

get rid of and he has selfish feelings and anger that he needs to work

through too. Please do consider this for your sakes and your child's sake.

We'll be praying for you and your family. Please keep in touch because

we care. Just keep remembering that you are on the right road to better

health even though it's not and easy road.

Love,

Jeanette

My Guardian Angel wrote:

>Hello everybody,

> I'm feeling really down today. I was doing really well on the antibiotic

>combo of Flagyl, Nizoral, and Minocin but I have gone into the biggest flare

>of my life. Usually my flares involve my whole body but this seems to have

>really hit my hands, wrists, and shoulders. I just did a pred. pack 4 weeks

>ago and really don't want to again. My Ra (or whatever diagnosis I will

>some day have) never affected my thumbs before and this time, I can't even

>use them. Can't bend my wrists without terrible pain and my fingers are so

>swollen that they hardly bend.

>

> On top of everything, my husband quit his job to start his own business

>and we now are looking for health insurance to cover me, so right now, I

>don't have any insurance. He and I disagreed on this " new business "

>decision and I am really angry that I don't have insurance any more! Funds

>are very limited so paying out of pocket is not a possibility. We are

>having serious marital problems now and I am feeling very depressed. His

>decision was based on the fact that I can't contribute anymore because I

>can't work and therefore, it was his decision to make. His old job had

>excellent insurance and good pay but he hated it. " He has to do what's best

>for him and take care of himself for a change " He said. I'm hurt and I

>can't believe how much this illness is affecting our relationship. It is

>obvious to me that he feels angry/bitter about the financial load being on

>him. He actually becomes angry when I tell him I am not feeling good and

>can't do much that day. His response is, " Do you think you could at least

>clean the house? " During a bad argument, he actually accused me of " milking

>it " to get out of helping with things. I was so hurt that I said maybe I

>should just leave and he said, " How would I live without all the extra

>baggage (sarcastically)! " He apologized profusely over saying it but I am

>still of course very hurt. My 5 year old son is also hearing these things

>since he goes into his yelling fits in front of him.

>

> This all started because we were spring cleaning and of course he helped me

>this time because I was really tired and stiff. He yelled continuously about

>how he couldn't believe I let the house get so dusty. Most people would

>think my house is clean but he and his family are " compulsive " about

>cleaning. If my house doesn't look like a page on Better Homes and Gardens,

>watch out! He asks me how I'm feeling every day and I just lie now and say

>I'm doing O.K. but I am very angry that I feel the need to lie to him. He's

>supposed to be a supportive person in my life. Now he's angry all the time

>and has even asked me if I think I will be able to work again, ever. I can't

>believe as bad as I am feeling and as swollen as I am (visible proof) that

>he gets nasty with me when I say I am hurting.

>

> This morning, when I said I was feeling very bad, the reaction I got on the

>other end of the phone was a loud, " Son of a * & %*! " The stress of living

>with him is not helping and may very well be the reason for this flare so I

>am really wondering what to do right now and I'm really feeling guilty for

>being sick. Anyway, Thanks for listening. I'm sure some of you have gone

>through this kind of thing too. My family is furious with him for this so

>that is causing strain too. We live beside them and they actually heard him

>yelling at me and us fighting because our windows were open. They feel that

>he has always been selfish and about " him " so you can guess what their

>advice is. Just wondering if anybody else has gone through this =0) He

>reads my emails so please post to me only on the board and not by personal

>email. Thanks guys. I don't know where I'd be without your support!

>Roseanne*

>

>

>

>To unsubscribe, email: rheumatic-unsubscribeegroups

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Roseanne. Sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I understand your RA is

personal & complex and I make the following comments:

a.. We need a supportive & relatively stress-free environment to speed our

recovery

b.. Wellbeing is about hoping for the best and preparing for the worst

c.. We need to look after ourselves by seeking appropriate care and creating

meaningful choices.

Having been both a carer for my wife who has disabling osteoarthritis and now

having disabling PA myself has given me insights into the impacts of chronic

illness on relationships.

You are obviously going through a difficult time. You sound like you need more

support and understanding to get through your current difficulties. Perhaps you

can talk to your parents and/or a counselor and/or friends about your situation

and your options for improving your relationship. Enlist the support of your

rheummie - perhaps they could write a brief report on your symptoms stating what

your current limitations are and perhaps your husband could go with you to your

next appointment and hear for himself about what you are facing.

Would your husband be willing to read " The Arthritis Breakthrough " and other

research you have done in your efforts to recover from RA?

Pain and fatigue interfere with intimacy in relationships and " sharing the pain "

can hurt our partners. Perhaps you could look at how you are coping with these

issues.

Feeling down is part of RA. I hope things pick up for you and that you feel more

in control of your life.

Regards, .

[Guest guest]

Hi Roseanne! Geoff here.

You wrote:

> I'm feeling really down today. I was doing really well on the

antibiotic

> combo of Flagyl, Nizoral, and Minocin but I have gone into the biggest

flare

> of my life. Usually my flares involve my whole body but this seems to

have

> really hit my hands, wrists, and shoulders. I just did a pred. pack 4

weeks

> ago and really don't want to again. My Ra (or whatever diagnosis I will

> some day have) never affected my thumbs before and this time, I can't even

> use them. Can't bend my wrists without terrible pain and my fingers are

so

> swollen that they hardly bend.

Sorry to see you're having such a time of it. My doc decided a little

experimentation was in order and put me on Tinidazole and Alopurinol for

awhile. He warned me, as did Ethel, that I should reasonably expect an

incredible Herx. I had my bride read through the materials on the drugs and

explained the possible impact to her and our children before embarking on

this regimen with no small degree of trepidation. He sent me some

depomedrol and told me he wanted me to inject that with the first dose of

Alopurinol and Tinidazole. I, not being exactly what you might call a

pliable patient, told him I'd set it aside and use it if needed. He also

told me to continue the RheuMax while on these drugs. Long story short, I

took the Alopurinol and Tinidazole while continuing the RheuMax. The

result: no Herx! (He has several other patients on these and their Herx's

are quite bad, I'm told.) You may want to consider trying the RheuMax and

see if it helps you.

Geoff

soli Deo gloria

www.HealingYou.org - Your nonprofit source for remedies and aids in fighting

these diseases, information on weaning from drugs, and nutritional kits for

repairing adrenal damage; 100% volunteer staffed.

(Courtesy of Captain Cook's www.800-800-cruise.com)

" He deprives of intelligence the chiefs of the earth's people... "

" ...loosen the bonds of wickedness, undo the bands of the yoke, let the

oppressed go free, satisfy the desire of the afflicted, and your light will

rise in darkness and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and you will be

called the restorer of the streets in which to dwell. "

J1224

I58612

[Guest guest]

What is rheumax??

[Guest guest]

Hi Roseanne,

I was so upset by your post, and some replies, so I wrote out

something lengthy but lost it before I could post it. Here is a

shortened version.

Jeanette gave wonderful advice about counseling. If he won't go, go

alone. You need to destress and find someone that you can talk to.

I have no doubts about all this making you sicker. Counseling can't

hurt and may make all the difference in your marriage. If nothing

else, it will make you feel better.

It would have been wise for your hubby to investigate insurance

options BEFORE quitting his job, not after. To me this would be

common sense. I asked my husband for a male viewpoint and he told me

under NO circumstances would he have quit without first investigating

insurance options, not only for you but the entire family. If your

husband gets hit by a truck tomorrow, what then?

When having a family, one has to weigh all options. This isn't all

about him, it's about all of you.

There is NO way I can keep my house spotless at this time.

Housecleaning IS exercise but it can also be quite a strain and

painful to boot! I can't believe some people don't get that! Using

that sweeper is painful for me and would take me all day to get from

one end of the house to another.

So, some of us have dust bunnies, so what? They will all get killed

off eventually. There are bigger things in life than some dust on

the picture frames. Nobody thinks of how clean their house is when on

their deathbed. Your husband won't either!

He lives in that house and makes some of the dirt so I see nothing

wrong with his helping you to clean it up.

I can read between the lines in your post. There is a lot more to

this than a dusty house.

(You said)

His

> decision was based on the fact that I can't contribute anymore

because I

> can't work and therefore, it was his decision to make.

Say what? You never contribute? Baloney!

I remember when my hubby made the big mistake of telling me once that

he bought a new car because HE worked and brought home that bacon. He

bought new ones every couple of years and it was definitely not in

our budget. We had a discussion about getting yet another one and he

agreed it wasn't a wise move at that time. Without my knowledge he

went back on his word and did it anyway. OOOH, OK!

I decided to let him know what I did do each day. I did have a job!

I made up a list of everything, and I mean everything, that I did

around the house. Then I checked how much it would cost for someone

else to perform all those tasks. Let's see......mow acres of lawn

for 12 hours each time, cook homemade meals from scratch, complete

with homemede bread yet, laundry and ironing, cleaning the house

inside and out including window washing , taking care of 21 pets,

driving pets to vets, grooming pets, painting inside and out,

gardening, canning produce, grocery shopping, car washing, cutting

his hair, visiting his folks during the day and helping them from

time to time when needed, etc. The list was endless.

I put it ALL on a chart and put a dollar figure next to each item.

When he came home that day he asked where his dinner was. I told him

I already ate and his was still in the freezer and fridge. All he

needed to do was cook it. Then I handed him my list of prices and

told him I would be more than happy to perform anything on the list

for a fee. He laughed his pants off! He wanted to know how long

that was going to last and told me he wasn't paying one dime. Oh

yeah? He lasted just 2 weeks. He never realized how much work I did

and how long it took for me to get it all done. I was being UNDERPAID

and so are you.

Never again did he underestimate what would happen if he talked to me

like that again. There is NO such thing as a master in our house. We

are equal partners in our marriage. Any man that wants his wife to

be subservient to him should get a goldfish instead. Either that or

move to Iraq.

In case you're wondering....I asked him if he minded my telling you

all this and he doesn't care one bit. He's evolved.

Quit telling your hubby you feel fine when you don't. He's supposed

to be an adult so he should act like one. Spouses do get sick and he

needs to deal with that fact. If the shoe was on the other foot what

would he expect? I wouldn't constantly tell him how bad you are

feeling but if he asks, you should be allowed to be honest and not

made to feel guilty for it.

My hubby used to ask me every day if I was sick when he got home. He

wasn't being snotty or anything, just wanting to know. I hated that

as I felt guilty for being sick and wanted desperately for him to

stop asking. One day I told him how it made me feel and he agreed to

not ask again when he got home. Perhaps you could ask your hubby to

not ask you all the time. When doing so you both end up thinking

about it and it seems to make you both unhappy even thinking about

it.

When he comes home tomorrow ask him how HIS day went. Ask him

everyday. If he asks you how you are feeling you can tell him " still

kicking! "

Yes it does take 2 to fight but I know it's really hard to run out of

the house every time someone else is yelling. We don't have air

conditioning so our windows are now open for some relief on the hot

days. If one of us opens up our big mouth, the other one isn't to

blame for what neighbors hear.

A man shouldn't carry a whip and a woman shouldn't have to be stuck

under a berka. I probably didn't spell that right but am sure those

that adore their dictionary will have no problem looking it up.

My house used to be spotless till I kept getting sicker and sicker.

One day after being in bed for 3 days, my brother in law came to the

house to borrow something. He commented that it looked different

than usual and wanted to know what happened. He said it looked like a

bomb went off. Without missing a beat I got out the sweeper and

dustrag and handed it to him. Told him to clean it up if it botherd

him so much. You could have heard a pindrop. Never made another

comment again, ever.

Since your hubby has so much time on his hands to read all YOUR e

mail, you can e mail me anytime at www.rheumaticsolutions.org. You

need someone to talk to in order to get rid of some of this anger

you're feeling.

Please try your best to be supportive of his new job. What's done is

done and there is no sense in looking back. This may turn out to be

a blessing in time to come. Could be he will get the insurance

problem taken care of and other things will fall back in place.

Perhaps if he finds contentment in this job he will be a happier

person and you'll end up with a better husband.

I'll be sending lots of good thoughts your way!

Hugs,

Betty

> Hello everybody,

> I'm feeling really down today. I was doing really well on the

antibiotic

> combo of Flagyl, Nizoral, and Minocin but I have gone into the

biggest flare

> of my life. Usually my flares involve my whole body but this seems

to have

> really hit my hands, wrists, and shoulders. I just did a pred.

pack 4 weeks

> ago and really don't want to again. My Ra (or whatever diagnosis I

will

> some day have) never affected my thumbs before and this time, I

can't even

> use them. Can't bend my wrists without terrible pain and my

fingers are so

> swollen that they hardly bend.

>

> On top of everything, my husband quit his job to start his own

business

> and we now are looking for health insurance to cover me, so right

now, I

> don't have any insurance. He and I disagreed on this " new business "

> decision and I am really angry that I don't have insurance any

more! Funds

> are very limited so paying out of pocket is not a possibility. We

are

> having serious marital problems now and I am feeling very

depressed. His

> decision was based on the fact that I can't contribute anymore

because I

> can't work and therefore, it was his decision to make. His old job

had

> excellent insurance and good pay but he hated it. " He has to do

what's best

> for him and take care of himself for a change " He said. I'm hurt

and I

> can't believe how much this illness is affecting our relationship.

It is

> obvious to me that he feels angry/bitter about the financial load

being on

> him. He actually becomes angry when I tell him I am not feeling

good and

> can't do much that day. His response is, " Do you think you could at

least

> clean the house? " During a bad argument, he actually accused me

of " milking

> it " to get out of helping with things. I was so hurt that I said

maybe I

> should just leave and he said, " How would I live without all the

extra

> baggage (sarcastically)! " He apologized profusely over saying it

but I am

> still of course very hurt. My 5 year old son is also hearing these

things

> since he goes into his yelling fits in front of him.

>

> This all started because we were spring cleaning and of course he

helped me

> this time because I was really tired and stiff. He yelled

continuously about

> how he couldn't believe I let the house get so dusty. Most people

would

> think my house is clean but he and his family are " compulsive " about

> cleaning. If my house doesn't look like a page on Better Homes and

Gardens,

> watch out! He asks me how I'm feeling every day and I just lie now

and say

> I'm doing O.K. but I am very angry that I feel the need to lie to

him. He's

> supposed to be a supportive person in my life. Now he's angry all

the time

> and has even asked me if I think I will be able to work again,

ever. I can't

> believe as bad as I am feeling and as swollen as I am (visible

proof) that

> he gets nasty with me when I say I am hurting.

>

> This morning, when I said I was feeling very bad, the reaction I

got on the

> other end of the phone was a loud, " Son of a * & %*! " The stress of

living

> with him is not helping and may very well be the reason for this

flare so I

> am really wondering what to do right now and I'm really feeling

guilty for

> being sick. Anyway, Thanks for listening. I'm sure some of you

have gone

> through this kind of thing too. My family is furious with him for

this so

> that is causing strain too. We live beside them and they actually

heard him

> yelling at me and us fighting because our windows were open. They

feel that

> he has always been selfish and about " him " so you can guess what

their

> advice is. Just wondering if anybody else has gone through this

=0) He

> reads my emails so please post to me only on the board and not by

personal

> email. Thanks guys. I don't know where I'd be without your support!

> Roseanne*

[Guest guest]

> What is rheumax??

An OTC herbal compound. You can get more information about it here:

www.healingyou.org/rheumax.html

Geoff

soli Deo gloria

www.HealingYou.org - Your nonprofit source for remedies and aids in fighting

these diseases, information on weaning from drugs, and nutritional kits for

repairing adrenal damage; 100% volunteer staffed.

(Courtesy of Captain Cook's www.800-800-cruise.com)

" He deprives of intelligence the chiefs of the earth's people... "

" ...loosen the bonds of wickedness, undo the bands of the yoke, let the

oppressed go free, satisfy the desire of the afflicted, and your light will

rise in darkness and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and you will be

called the restorer of the streets in which to dwell. "

J1224

I58612

[Guest guest]

Hey yall. Sorry not to have posted in a while, I haven't exactly been

good company. So far the enbrel is not really kicking in, matter of

fact I'm working through yet another flare. Chas is coming home this

weekend for homecoming, and we'd planned for her to bring a couple of

friends from college. She knows I'm not doing so hot, and told me she

would make other arrangments for her friends. I told her it would be

fine, just bring them on. I get so tired of having to tell her that

I'm not up to doing things, I will make it one way or another. All my

Bible study girls will be home from college and I just want to be

able to enjoy being with them instead of hurting too bad to think of

anything else. It seems like if the arthritis isn't flared up then

the FMS is; I get so tired of this constant battle.

Hoping and praying better days ahead for all of us.

Jane

[Guest guest]

Jane,

I will be praying for you. Hope you feel better soon, hugs Tawny

> Hey yall. Sorry not to have posted in a while, I haven't exactly

been

> good company. So far the enbrel is not really kicking in, matter of

> fact I'm working through yet another flare. Chas is coming home this

> weekend for homecoming, and we'd planned for her to bring a couple

of

> friends from college. She knows I'm not doing so hot, and told me

she

> would make other arrangments for her friends. I told her it would be

> fine, just bring them on. I get so tired of having to tell her that

> I'm not up to doing things, I will make it one way or another. All

my

> Bible study girls will be home from college and I just want to be

> able to enjoy being with them instead of hurting too bad to think of

> anything else. It seems like if the arthritis isn't flared up then

> the FMS is; I get so tired of this constant battle.

> Hoping and praying better days ahead for all of us.

> Jane

[Guest guest]

Jane,

I will be praying for you. Hope you feel better soon, hugs Tawny

> Hey yall. Sorry not to have posted in a while, I haven't exactly

been

> good company. So far the enbrel is not really kicking in, matter of

> fact I'm working through yet another flare. Chas is coming home this

> weekend for homecoming, and we'd planned for her to bring a couple

of

> friends from college. She knows I'm not doing so hot, and told me

she

> would make other arrangments for her friends. I told her it would be

> fine, just bring them on. I get so tired of having to tell her that

> I'm not up to doing things, I will make it one way or another. All

my

> Bible study girls will be home from college and I just want to be

> able to enjoy being with them instead of hurting too bad to think of

> anything else. It seems like if the arthritis isn't flared up then

> the FMS is; I get so tired of this constant battle.

> Hoping and praying better days ahead for all of us.

> Jane

[Guest guest]

Dear Jane,

I hope your enbrel kicks in an dyou are able to have a wonderful

weekend with Chas and her friends. It's tough when you're waiting for

a med to work, and it either doesn't work, or quits working--been there

in that boat the past few weeks. Don't give up, but don't party too

hearty! (just kidding)

Gentle hugs,

Judi

[Guest guest]

Dear Jane,

I hope your enbrel kicks in an dyou are able to have a wonderful

weekend with Chas and her friends. It's tough when you're waiting for

a med to work, and it either doesn't work, or quits working--been there

in that boat the past few weeks. Don't give up, but don't party too

hearty! (just kidding)

Gentle hugs,

Judi