AW: Help wanted Down Under

[Guest guest]

Hi Chaise,

I love your sharing. This story is similar to mine. I was " sexually abused "

by my father and carried the secret for many years. I did have an open

confrontation many years ago with my father-anger, etc.- and quite by

" accident " -a misunderstanding- told my mother after 23 years of secrecy. She

took valium after that for a while and is still in denial about our family

being disfunctional.

These are great stories. After doing much work on this I met and went

deeper into it at the School 2000. I realized that I made a decision to

cooperate- we decide to do the thing we think will be better for us in all

situations. I have had so much freedom from doing the Work on this. My

parents and I know the story, I know his guilt causes my father to suffer-

to deny, to cut off much of himself. And I also know that my father is much

more than this part of him that caused him to act as he did. He is very open

to my spiritual path and I am able to share it with him and my mother. The

more healing I receive the more our family heals.

And I haven't told my children - they haven't asked. I have told them when

it seemed appropriate, that I had been sexually abused as a child, because

some of my stories and behavior would show that anyway. As my children are

growing up I have done my best to protect them from sexual abuse.

My children love their 82 year old grandparents. What would be my concept,

my (hidden) motive that says I should tell them, when this is between me and

my father ? Not telling them would not let them know about their

grandfathers confusion, they will continue to see only what todays reality

is.

And I still don't know if I will someday tell them-my daughter is 15 and my

son 22. I realize also that family secrets are still passed on

subconsciously. Another story. I have decided that I will know in the moment

what I should say or not. It will just come up. And, yes, something in me

wants to be absolutely honest.

I remember that KT said something like, Who would I be without my story? I

would be someone who asked how may I help you ?

Thank you all for your comments, insights, and sharing

Love

-----Ursprüngliche Nachricht-----

Von: Vreman

Gesendet am: Sonntag, 30. Dezember 2001 13:27

An: Loving-what-is

Betreff: Re: Help wanted Down Under

Dear Laurie, Heidi, Steve & Lynne,

I humbly thankyou

each and all for your support, clarity, insights and

practical advice. Words cannot fully express my

feeling of gratitude. The giving I have received from

you and others in this group has astonished me, I feel

humbly grateful. What a fantastic thing to have such

a group of people via email, there for the purpose of

good, to support each other. I love how each of you

offered a totally different response, and how those

responses to my problem can help all those who are

reading. And i have drawn upon each response and

gained something from each to make a collective whole.

Tonight I rang my mother and told her my truth that

keeping her 'secret' was no longer something I am

willing to do. (Thankyou Steve) I already feel such

relief in knowing that I am free of that. And how

easy it was! Her response was fearful and angry, but

I came from a place of love without attachment so all

is well. I explained myself without over

justification. I talked also about the effect her

'telling' me has had on me, and the part she played in

it for me. She felt I was blaming her, but this is ok

also, I think she blames herself. Lynne your insights

about anger towards my mother are so right, when I

read it I felt a relief, like I was admitting it out

loud. Recognise my feelings of guilt there, great.

It's also helpful for me to remember that yes there's

several different issues going on at once, it has

tended to all blur into one. Steve I love your 'not

very kateyish' response. A very 'Steve' response is

just as valid! I was also thinking my response to my

problem was not very kateyish...crazy really as I am

me. Your support of honesty and truth is how I also

feel, and it was great to read that from you in my

moment of selfdoubt.

Laurie I am intrigued at how you have changed your

story. Where I am right now that sounds highly

appealing and unattainable...could I actually change

my story? Would this mean leaving certain

people/family behind? Interesting. I find it hard to

think of keeping my story about my grandfather when it

was built around bullshit. I guess what that is is

that I want the true story, not a fantasy. Because

hiding the truth has damaged so much over

generations...And Heidi your advice was also relevant.

The thought of not forcing a decision and just going

with the flow is a relief, and feels right.

I feel now much clearer in a way, and more

peaceful about the next couple of weeks. I have no

decision as to what 'to do' about my grandfather, but

it is always true that when I let go the answer will

come. I can see my issues with my mother more

seperately. I feel that is something I can actively

work on, without controlling. There are things to be

said there, truths to be told, and sometimes stands to

be taken. Thankyou thankyou all. xxxChaise

--- Heidi Sewall wrote: > I

like what has to say. I want to add a few

> words. Try not deciding in advance what you will do

> or say. See what happens in the moment, if you can.

>

> I love doing The Work, especially on family. I see

> that these early stories have shaped all of my

> interactions. I think that perhaps I lived for 16

> years and then just replayed the same tapes,

> changing the names and faces. Now that I can do The

> Work, the unraveling is making it possible for me to

> live in the moment (have some new experiences) and

> be free of the past.

>

> Anyway, I would simply suggest that you don't decide

> in advance and then ask yourself . . . from the

> heart . . . if you want to see your Grandfather or

> not. Also, ask your heart if you want to say

> something to him, or your mother, or not.

>

> Can I add more . . . I have found myself very

> uncomfortable bringing up certain subjects with my

> husband (ridiculous things like discussing buying a

> toy for our daughter). If I am uncomfortable talking

> to him about anything, I simply do The Work and

> forget planning when I will talk to him and what I

> will say. Then I watch to see what unfolds. I've

> experienced, time and time again, that there comes a

> moment when I can say something in total peace and

> without attachment. My sense of peace seems to make

> him very open to listening to me and the interaction

> is pleasant and productive. This type of

> communication is something I could never achieve by

> planning. The spontaneity . . . the surprise . . .

> of the discussion is really fun.

>

> And make it a point to talk with yourself about this

> . . . as you are . . . You're the one that matters

> here. The others are fine and don't need rescuing or

> protecting (in my opinion).

>

> I love that you have The Work to help you. Amazing

> that you learn about this other story after you have

> a way of inquiring. You are fortunate (and the turn

> around: I am fortunate).

>

> Heidi

>

> Re: Help wanted Down

> Under

>

>

> Dear all,

> Recently my mother was visiting, and

> revealed to me a dark family secret that her

> father

> had sexually abused her and her sister for years

> when

> they were children. She had never spoken about

> it to

> anyone before, even her sister, so it was a

> great

> release for her and she has since spoken to her

> sister

> and my father and recieves much support from

> them.

> She asked me to keep her secret, not share it

> with

> even my sisters or partner. Since then I have

> chosen

> to talk to a few 'safe' people for my own

> sanity, but

> it remains that she and her sister do not want

> to

> confront my grandfather(they never have). My

> grandfather was always my hero, war hero, man of

> true

> honour, my role model for what was good and true

> in

> life, someone to aspire to. I felt my world

> crumble

> when Mum told me what he had done, a large sense

> of my

> self, the basis for my bellief system pulled out

> from

> under me. (Extremely cleansing! I am now

> rebuilding

> my own set of beliefs!) I experienced a huge

> shock/grief response that lasted several weeks.

> Then

> I numbed up and went through a denial phase.

> Now I

> realise I have work to do to get through this,

> brought

> about by the fact that I will be visiting the

> area my

> grandfather lives in a few weeks, and the family

> expectation is that I will see him as per

> normal.

> I have a certain amount of intellectual

> clarity,

> ie it's essentially her story not mine, it

> explains so

> much about my own upbringing, can see the

> positives of

> her having told me etc. But getting to the

> crunch, I

> have a decision to make regarding

> seeing/speaking to

> him. To live in honesty for myself, or to do

> the

> usual dysfunctional pattern of my family - keep

> my

> mouth shut, smile sweetly and don't let on that

> I know

> anything or that I'm emotional about it. So, I

> did

> the work, some great insights and peace of mind

> came

> out of it, but I still feel totally undecided as

> to

> whether to see him and be honest, see him and

> say

> nothing, never spaek to him again without

> expaination.

> So I could do with some help! Have a look at

> these

> turn arounds.

>

> I'm angry that Mum won't bring out the truth.

> -I'm angry that I won't bring out the

> truth...OR

> -I'm glad I won't bring out the truth.

>

> I want her to stand up to my gandfather.

> -I want to stand up to my grandfather ...OR

> -I don't want to stand up to my grandfather.

>

> She shouldn't make excuses for what he did.

> -I shouldn't make excuses for what he did...OR

> -I should make excuses for what he did.

>

> She should scream and yell at him.

> -I should scream and yell at him.,,OR

> -I shouldn't scream and yell at him (in my

> head

> (yeah, I know, I shouldn't scream and yell at

> me in

> my head!)

>

> She should face him

> -I should face him...OR

> -I shouldn't face him

>

> I need her to be honest to him so I am free from

> this

> stress.

> -I need me to be honest to him so I am free

> from

> this stress...OR

> -I do not need to be honest with him. I am

> free.

>

> She is not honouring herself in her silence.

> -I am not honouring myself in my silence...OR

> -I am honouring myself in my silence...OR

>

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