Re: Mothering against a Nada/Grandma

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie.

As far as I'm concerned, you did the right thing. I wish I'd taken that path a

long time ago!! I stopped seeing my nada two years ago and haven't regretted

it once. My daughters were better off not seeing the crap nada could and

usually would pull, the stress level dropped to almost nil. Also... you did

something wonderful for your daughter, you validated her feelings. You showed

her that her input was valid, that she is a person who counts. You also stood

up for yourself. You gave yourself the same wonderful gifts of validation and

worth. I happy for you!!! Warm thoughts,

Mothering against a Nada/Grandma

Kathleen,

I just got off the phone with my dad and Megatron was in the background

hurling insults and ultimatums! Long story short...before Thanksgiving

Megatron threw my dad out and I went and picked him up, brought him to my

house (a 400 mile drive) and nursed him back to health. He slept in the

bedroom across the hall from two of my three girls who heard him sobbing

himself to sleep at night. Naturally, the eight year old asked me what was

wrong. I told her that Grandpa was sad because Nana was sick and had asked

him to leave for a little while. I also told her that we should pray very

hard that Nana would get the care she needed. My dad returned home to tie up

loose ends, got hoovered back into Megatron's life and now wants to bring her

here for a visit this weekend. I (newly brave) said no. I based my decision

on a discussion with my husband and with my daughter (the 8 year old). She

said she wanted Grandpa to come home, but thought she might have nightmares

if Nana came since Nana isn't nice when she is sick. I respect the

boundaries she is setting and I do not want her to be traumatized any more

than she already has been (I divorced her biological father when she was 2

1/2 and she witnessed a lot of abuse). Megatron flipped out. FOG rolled

through the phone and she screamed that my father needed to choose between

her or me. I told my father to do what was best for him, just as I had done

what was best for me. I also said that I loved him and didn't want to hurt

him, but my answer was still no. We did offer (pre-shreiking by Megatron) to

allow them to come Christmas day for a visit, because we thought the

distraction of the presents and excitement might eliminate some of the

tension. This was not good enough, though, since it was not Megatron's idea.

I guess I am searching for some validation. I feel fiercely protective of my

children and if one of them tells me she thinks she will be frightened I

can't let that happen. Any words of wisdom???

Debbie

[Guest guest]

HI Debbie-

I think you are absolutely on the right path. You are teaching nada

that she cannot disrupt your family, and that is the perfect example

to set for your child and your dad. Your child needs to feel

confident that you can, and will, protect them.

My sister had to make the same decision with her children. When he

oldest child was about 3, my sister and her husband lived with nada.

Nada started bad-splitting her son and my sister recognized all of

the abuse patterns that we had been through as children. My nephew,

now 11, has always been very independent and headstrong. He is a

brilliant, exceptional child, and even at three he would not allow

her to enmesh him into her personality. For this reason, Nada kept

telling my sister that her son was going to grow up and be a serial

killer.

She was always telling the three year old how grandma was so sick and

could die at any time. That's what she did to us when we were little.

The last straw came when my sister came home and found nada shaking

him violently. They moved out and broke off contact completely.

Today, my sister and I live in the same town, and we are very close.

I divorced nada two years ago, and it was the best decision I ever

made. The oldest son still has some bad memories of his grandmother,

and we talk about them with him. The younger two are blissfully

ignorant.

Stay strong, and hold to your boundaries. They are the only things

that can help you and your family!

Take care,

Rosemary

> Kathleen,

>

> I just got off the phone with my dad and Megatron was in the

background

> hurling insults and ultimatums! Long story short...before

Thanksgiving

> Megatron threw my dad out and I went and picked him up, brought him

to my

> house (a 400 mile drive) and nursed him back to health. He slept

in the

> bedroom across the hall from two of my three girls who heard him

sobbing

> himself to sleep at night. Naturally, the eight year old asked me

what was

> wrong. I told her that Grandpa was sad because Nana was sick and

had asked

> him to leave for a little while. I also told her that we should

pray very

> hard that Nana would get the care she needed. My dad returned home

to tie up

> loose ends, got hoovered back into Megatron's life and now wants to

bring her

> here for a visit this weekend. I (newly brave) said no. I based

my decision

> on a discussion with my husband and with my daughter (the 8 year

old). She

> said she wanted Grandpa to come home, but thought she might have

nightmares

> if Nana came since Nana isn't nice when she is sick. I respect the

> boundaries she is setting and I do not want her to be traumatized

any more

> than she already has been (I divorced her biological father when

she was 2

> 1/2 and she witnessed a lot of abuse). Megatron flipped out. FOG

rolled

> through the phone and she screamed that my father needed to choose

between

> her or me. I told my father to do what was best for him, just as I

had done

> what was best for me. I also said that I loved him and didn't want

to hurt

> him, but my answer was still no. We did offer (pre-shreiking by

Megatron) to

> allow them to come Christmas day for a visit, because we thought

the

> distraction of the presents and excitement might eliminate some of

the

> tension. This was not good enough, though, since it was not

Megatron's idea.

>

> I guess I am searching for some validation. I feel fiercely

protective of my

> children and if one of them tells me she thinks she will be

frightened I

> can't let that happen. Any words of wisdom???

>

> Debbie

>

>

>