Liz

[Guest guest]

you are not alone here either. if it werent for haylee i dont think we would

still be together. i dont want to go into details but thats basically it.

youre not alone.

Liz

Liz I want you to know we are going thru the same exact thing practically. My

dh has not worked in 4 months are savings are almost depleted he will go back

when the snow melts but he could have found something.He does not want me to

work or have friends and I am feeling like a caged animal.He works for himself

and has no clue hes 51 and retirement is not far away. I on the other hand worry

constantly. We would not be together if we did not have Mic we have discussed

this many times.If I could afford to we would split up.We have nothing in common

at all.We dont eat together we dont watch tv together we do nothing unless it

involves Mic.Only its not him its me. I dont want to listen to his killing deer

stories his construction stories his fishing stories.There is no tenderness left

in our relationship.I do not know how we are going to get thru the next month he

has toys though he wont sell his boat his motorcycle his camero nothing but he

sold my car.Now I have nothing to

drive so he has complete control. I hate it and if we are still together next

year it will be a miracle.There is plenty of work right here where we live but

he wont budge. I wanted to go get a night job so we could get by but no thats

not permited. Hes in my face 24/7 and its almost to the breaking point. Mic

holds us together thats it, we are devoted to him and he needs both of us.We

sometimes spend entire days never saying a word to each other.He blows money

like we are rich.I never do I buy my clothes at the thrift store or take any

hand me downs I can get my hands on.Once he gets back to work it will get easier

but we go thru this every year and Im sick of it.I had a union job for him all

set up thru my relatives and he would not go.He is a wonderful father to Mic I

cant deny that and I love him for that but thats it.You are not alone, my

inhertence money bought this house and has been keeping us surviving its nearly

gone and then what. I had planned on saving that for

retirement.There it is our life in a nutshell. And I hate it.Im ready to throw

in the towel.I have so much respect for all the single Moms we have in the group

and I am proud of them.Mic will suffer if we split and thats what is keeping us

together.No way to live really.It will ease up when he goes back to work and we

arent together 24/7 but it doesnt change the fact our relationship is in the

toilet.We dont fight we just dont speak most of the time. Its a shame really we

are completely different people.Think completely differently about everything.

So I just wanted you to know you are definately not alone here.My heart goes out

to you I know where your coming from. Laurie

[Guest guest]

Margaret: Don't be upset. We are straight forward with one another and I need

to let her know when things don't go over well. We refer people to one another

and I always say how WONDERFUL she is and I need to let her know other people's

thoughts on her sessions. I got her started on this A-Typical Behaviors things

last year for our local conference. She needs to think about having families

with DDx in the audience. We have issues at our local conference too with

regard to the DDx. Our docs don't really want to touch on it because they are

not familiar with it, but I have strongly advised them they need to push the

issue more. There are way too many kids out there not yet diagnosed. I know at

least 5 more families just in our group.

Liz

Liz

<<I actually emailed her your comments to see what kind of feedback I get

from her.>>

Liz....you did what?!?!? I didn't say I didn't enjoy her, just that she had

all the A behaviors up there and didn't seem to acknowledge that there was

dual dx's out there. I didn't know she was Tori's doc.

Margaret

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/18/2007 10:51:14 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

pastmidvale@... writes:

Do you feel the Circle of Support coming to you and Mike? We are carrying

you until you can walk tall again!!

Sara, that's a beautiful image, and Liz I'm apart of that circle and will be

praying for you that things improve with your marriage and your finances.

It's such a unfair and difficult hand we've all been dealt, and I think we

all understand the pain you are experiencing now. I'm glad you are able to

vent to all of us, and I will continue to send prayers for you that things get

better.

I hope you have people close by that can give you a little break.

Hugs from Syracuse.

Patty

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[Guest guest]

Liz,

I don't even know what to say, but I want you to know that my thoughts are with

you. As others have said, you always have words of encouragement for the rest of

us..we want to " be there " for you. Have you really " exhaused " your options for

respite in your area? Give them all a call again and plead if necessary for

immediate assistance..sometimes the squeeky wheel gets the turn as they say. You

are important,and your needs are not being met one bit...let everyone know who

should be on your team..if you asked before...ask again..say, " I'm drowning out

here " Have you thought about contacting a local political person(your

councilman,senator, congressman?) Board of Directors of the agency that is

supposed to be helping you? It is worth a try as it seems you have nothing to

lose.

Anyway, sincerely hope some good comes your way soon.

Brigid

LIZ

Do you feel the Circle of Support coming to you and Mike? We are carrying

you until you can walk tall again!!

Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons.

__________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Margaret! Oh, no-I know you have your hands full! Did I miss something?

What's going on with Terry?

Liz

Liz

Liz ~~~

Can't really help you much.......want to trade worlds?!?!? I am going day

by day, too, these past 6 months with Gareth and Ter's issues. You are in my

thoughts and prayers.

Margaret

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[Guest guest]

Hi Liz, just wanted to throw in my 2 cents worth of prayers and sympathy for

you. Sometimes it just feels like everything is falling apart. I've been so

lucky that my dh went to his first " handicapped " event with and despite

feeling depressed and overwhelmed about it which he was; he kept going back and

is now the volunteer at her special olympics gymnastics and tells everyone it's

his favorite day of the week. The kids adore him and all the other mothers think

he is superdad. I wish you dh could try again and begin to appreciate the wonder

of these kiddos. He could end up being such a hero...unfortunately that is

nearly impossible if you are also depressed. I hope things work out for you.

Sherry

[Guest guest]

Your DH sounds a lot like my DH. Oil and water is how I see us. But there are

times when the difference is beneficial to the big picture- like when I bring

more excitement to his otherwise solitary and boring ways, and he puts me in

perspective when he tells me that my over-doing is causing more harm than good

(like obsessing over my IEP). He calls for most things to be " separation of

tasks " whereas I would prefer and always try to get him to " walk the same path " .

He rarely brings the stress from work home to me, so I have too learned to be

happy and stressed alone over the things I hold near and dear. When I stopped

expecting him to see things my way, and even saw things his way, our

relationship got much better. We are able to find the things (those very few

things) we can care about together. Ironically, he has now find a bit more

interest in what I try so hard to do in the world of advocacy.

I do know that in a marriage, respect and intimacy is very very important. It

is really hard on respect when issues go unresolved, grudges remain and too much

resentment build up over time. Of course resentment is the biggest killer to

intimacy.

I had spent a long time without success trying to get us to see a counselor.

He always said " She is not going to tell me anything I don't already know " .

When things got really bad several years ago, even my DH realized that it was

getting help or the end of our marriage. I think we were both surprised at how

much resentment he had towards me. I'm the verbal one, so my complaints are

clear. I learned that even though he doesn't share his feelings often, it

doesn't mean he doesn't have them or think nothing is wrong. I thought our

counsel ling sessions was going to be about how HE needed to change, but it

ended up being as much about how much I needed to change ( or see him or things

from a different perspective) as how he needed to be supportive of me. That

understanding of each other really MELTS the resentment that has been building

up inside of both of us. Then intimacy can resume and bonding can begin.

Counsel ling has made such a difference in our marriage.

Nothing really is different in what we do, but our understanding and tolerance

of each other has made all the difference.

Financial stress on top of the world of special needs is as difficult as they

come. We are each debilitated by the special needs our own ways. Just like how

much MORE we have to do for our child with special needs, we have to do that

much MORE to keep our marriage. But I think as much as we revel in our child's

every accomplishments knowing how difficult it is for him/her, we appreciate our

spouses just that much more, because of how much more it takes for each of us to

MAKE it work.

I wish all of us luck and perseverance.

sara cohen wrote:

You have always been quick with ideas and suggestions. Know that I can

hear

your pain and understand the " last kid " at home for HOW LONG? syndrome. I

too feel it often - with my other kids being loooonnngg out of the house!!

Counseling - if your husband is agreeable- I would start with family

counseling. The counselor is more important than the name of the type of

couseling!!!! IMHO.

Have you tried to find any source of respite? Does LEhigh-Northhampton

County MH/MR offer you aANY family support so that you can get away from

Tori and the issues for a time? Even 4 hours a week is a great release.

Finances _ don't know the situation and can't help on a general list, but

if you want some financial counseling help, it is one of the things that I

do - but only volunteer and off list.

Tori and selfo contained. We found self contained small classes and more

concentrated help was much better for Elie. I can't rememeer how old Tori

is (do I remember under 10??) but we held off until after 3rd grade. It was

a mistake - in my opinion, Elie would have benefitted earlier from a proper,

therapeutic envir9nment by age 8.

Are you able to envision work of any kind in your life??

Gigantic hug and think CHOCOLATE!!!!

Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons.

>

>Reply-To:

>To: < >

>Subject: My world is crashing in on me...

>Date: Sun, 18 Mar 2007 21:54:44 -0400

>

>Please accept my apology...I know I have been absent from here for a bit.

>So much has been going on. And I don't want to burden you all with our

>problems, but I need a shoulder.

>

>Our finances are the suckiest in the world still. The bank repossessed my

>truck on the 6th...we are looking to switch Tori over to a life skills

>class to see if the smaller, self-contained classroom does her better. I

>just hate life the way it is. Anyway,

>

>Tori started bowling today with Sport for Special Kids and DH took a major

>nose dive on me today. He just about shut down totally on me. When he

>finally was able to talk earlier this evening, he asked " where are we going

>to be in 5 or 10 years? " , and are " you ever happy? " " This isn't what we

>asked for. " OMG, I couldn't believe my ears. It devastated me to no end.

>I told him I had to take one day at a time, and that's all I can do. We

>don't seem to have a marriage anymore, just a housemate type of

>relationship. We never get alone time-and if & when we do, even for a few

>short moments, there always seems to be a crisis brewing. I am someone who

>takes things head on and does the best I can in the situation. I am

>outgoing and I am thankful for what I have. Mike is more of a loner, very

>analytical and I think that seeing the batch of kids at bowling just set

>him in a major depression. We talked and he says we are 2 different types

>of people; I try to make the best of everything and he just sees the worst

>of everything. I mentioned counseling, but don't know quite sure as to

>what type? Family???? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Our

>2 older girls are moving on so well with their lives, and we are " stuck " as

>he put it. I just don't know where to turn?

>

>

>Liz (aka MOM)

>

> " Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below

>the conscious level. "

> - Dr. Joyce Brothers

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The fact that Mike will go with you - because you asked- is such a great

step. Doing what YOU feel is important means he cares about what YOU want.

I see sunshine ahead.

Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons.

>From: stamtorch@...

>Reply-To:

>To:

>Subject: Re: Counseling

>Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2007 09:22:45 EDT

>

>

>In a message dated 3/22/2007 7:35:16 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

>liz.desantis@... writes:

>

>Mike did say, he doesn't see any benefit coming out of it because we know

>all of this already (just need to follow thru with it ) but he will go

>because

>I asked

>

>

>It is so different knowing what you have to do and being accountable for

>it.

> Now that you are seeing someone the commitment to get it done will be

>greater simply because you know the therapist is going to ask you if you

>did it at

>the next session.

>

>That was all dh and I needed to get started.

>

>Blessings, W

> in CT

>homeschooling Mom to AJ (12), (8), ^l^,

>(5,

>Trisomy 18 mosaic AKA 's syndrome) and Birgitta (age 3, adoption

>finalized 2/1/05 !!, Trisomy 21 AKA Down's Syndrome, Fetal Alcohol

>Syndrome,

>Autism, SID)

>

>

>

>

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>everyone.

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>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/22/2007 12:37:07 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

pastmidvale@... writes:

Mike will go with you - because you asked- is such a great

step. Doing what YOU feel is important means he cares about what YOU want.

I see sunshine ahead.

I love you Sara....You always say the right thing....;-)

Hugs,

Donna

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