What the ????

[Guest guest]

I'm just about ready to throw in the towel in frustration here. At first, it seemed as though my husband was more than willing to discuss the ED thing and he had no problem making doctor's appointments, etc. But now it seems as though he's avoiding me and though I think there are other things also coming into play, I'm wondering if ED is also part of the issue. Here's the abridged version. He's never had a libido issue. In fact, I've always had trouble keeping up with HIS libido. Our first few years of marriage were troublesome because we started off with me taking a new job and moving 1000 miles away while he cleaned up business at home, quit his job and came to join me. My new job was high pressure, high stress, located in a city where I didn't want to live and required a tremendous amount of travel and hours overall. I had an unscrupulous boss. I was ok when we were still living

apart, but when he moved to where I was permanently and couldn't find a job and became very clingy (probably depressed, now that I think about it) and pulled me in 4 different directions, I started suffering from panic attacks and general anxiety. I'm pretty sure *I* was depressed then too as I had ZERO libido. But he was anything but understanding. He accused me of "bait and switch" (from my pre-marriage libido), being frigid, being a cold-hearted bitch, etc. It was terrible. Now that he's spent the last 8 years or so suffering from depression and anxiety himself and a lot of those years in therapy, he says he now understands what was happening to me and takes most of the blame for what happened to us then. What happened was that in response to his demands, I just withdrew further and put up a wall between us. Anyway, the past five years or so, he's been on Prozac. At first, the only side effect we

noticed was more difficulty in climaxing. No effect on libido. But between a relationship crisis, a financial crisis and career and job crises for him, he began suffering from almost total ED. His initial response was to wean off the Prozac as that seemed the most likely culprit. Things didn't get better the way the docs said they would. But he started getting more regular sleep and working out again and quit the crazy job he had and things did start to improve. In fact, I can say now that he's about 90% back to normal. And we are finally finding a place for initimacy in our lives (not just sexual--when I pushed him away, I withdrew emotionally as well) and figuring out how to carve out some couple time every day in this crazy world of kids, work, etc. So what's the problem? Well, lately it seems as though he'd rather stay up until all hours of the night surfing the 'net, emailing his friends, etc., than

coming to bed with me. We've had several knock-down, drag out fights over this, lots of tears and long discussions. I've heard a lot of "I'm sorrys" to the point where they don't mean much anymore. I resent being woken up at 3 or 4AM for cuddling, kisssing and/or sex. So yesterday, I finally sat down and had it out with him. The discussion wandered its way back to him, his job situation, depression etc. I think I've finally come to the conclusion that the past 18 years have not been about us or about the kids, but really all about him. But that's a whole different issue. Anyway, despite the discussion yesterday AM, guess what happened last night? Yup, I went to bed about 11PM and I think he crawled into bed about 3AM. The difference was I told him last night that I was done pleading, cajoling, crying, threatening, etc. I was just going to start going to bed and if he couldn't

tear himself away from the computer soon after to follow that he'd better not even think of waking me up--even for a kiss, cuddle, etc. I said this in a nice tone of voice, believe it or not (!), but was very matter of fact. I really think what he's doing is using that computer the way some would use computer games or TV, etc., as a means of escaping because he really is going through an identity crisis. And it's not that I'm unwilling to talk to him for hours on end about this. Even yesterday AM, I gave up my daily run and was late getting my son to a swim meet so we could talk about this. But we'll talk and talk and talk and all that happens is that he gets emotional and teary and "woe is me, my life has been so terrible", but never takes any action to try to DO something about it. Sorry I wandered off the topic of ED a bit. But this avoidance is so unlike him that I wonder if he's

still got some performance anxiety going? He did admit last week that he felt very close to back to normal, so I'm not sure. But while he has no problem getting and maintaining an erection and climaxing, he has had intermittent problems staying hard during intercourse. Maybe I should be lurking in a different support group now... I'll tell you all honestly that I'm ready to throw in the towel. It's been an 18 year long emotional struggle to figure out what makes this guy happy and I'm tired of feeling like whatever I do or say is wrong, wrong, wrong. Thanks for the vent. __________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Aloha duckfan!

Don't throw in the towel!!! I, for one, need you two. You KNOW what

I'm talking about and am still waiting for your email acknowledging

that I had YOUR correct email!

You just won't believe how your marriage and mine mirror each other

so much!!! I think it would be a shame to at least NOT touch base.

OK? Plus I have some sites that do deal with this situation or ones

very much like them.

Did you EVER think that HE uses the Internet to play games, write

real co-friends? Or does he use it to look at porn and write to " Hot

Babes, Inc. " LOL! He then gets all hot and goes to bed and bothers

YOU! that wouldn't be good. Not at all.

OK, one more time. I think we should keep in touch. Our relationship

almost ended at the beginning of last year (2005). Although you

wouldn't know it now!!! The ups and downs are sure something...

Aloha for now,

Wayne

>

> I'm just about ready to throw in the towel in frustration here.

At first, it seemed as though my husband was more than willing to

discuss the ED thing and he had no problem making doctor's

appointments, etc. But now it seems as though he's avoiding me and

though I think there are other things also coming into play, I'm

wondering if ED is also part of the issue. Here's the abridged

version.

>

> He's never had a libido issue. In fact, I've always had trouble

keeping up with HIS libido. Our first few years of marriage were

troublesome because we started off with me taking a new job and

moving 1000 miles away while he cleaned up business at home, quit

his job and came to join me. My new job was high pressure, high

stress, located in a city where I didn't want to live and required a

tremendous amount of travel and hours overall. I had an

unscrupulous boss. I was ok when we were still living apart, but

when he moved to where I was permanently and couldn't find a job and

became very clingy (probably depressed, now that I think about it)

and pulled me in 4 different directions, I started suffering from

panic attacks and general anxiety. I'm pretty sure *I* was

depressed then too as I had ZERO libido. But he was anything but

understanding. He accused me of " bait and switch " (from my pre-

marriage libido), being frigid, being a cold-hearted bitch, etc. It

was

> terrible. Now that he's spent the last 8 years or so suffering

from depression and anxiety himself and a lot of those years in

therapy, he says he now understands what was happening to me and

takes most of the blame for what happened to us then. What happened

was that in response to his demands, I just withdrew further and put

up a wall between us.

>

> Anyway, the past five years or so, he's been on Prozac. At

first, the only side effect we noticed was more difficulty in

climaxing. No effect on libido. But between a relationship crisis,

a financial crisis and career and job crises for him, he began

suffering from almost total ED. His initial response was to wean

off the Prozac as that seemed the most likely culprit. Things

didn't get better the way the docs said they would. But he started

getting more regular sleep and working out again and quit the crazy

job he had and things did start to improve. In fact, I can say now

that he's about 90% back to normal. And we are finally finding a

place for initimacy in our lives (not just sexual--when I pushed him

away, I withdrew emotionally as well) and figuring out how to carve

out some couple time every day in this crazy world of kids, work,

etc.

>

> So what's the problem? Well, lately it seems as though he'd

rather stay up until all hours of the night surfing the 'net,

emailing his friends, etc., than coming to bed with me. We've had

several knock-down, drag out fights over this, lots of tears and

long discussions. I've heard a lot of " I'm sorrys " to the point

where they don't mean much anymore. I resent being woken up at 3 or

4AM for cuddling, kisssing and/or sex. So yesterday, I finally sat

down and had it out with him. The discussion wandered its way back

to him, his job situation, depression etc. I think I've finally

come to the conclusion that the past 18 years have not been about us

or about the kids, but really all about him. But that's a whole

different issue.

>

> Anyway, despite the discussion yesterday AM, guess what happened

last night? Yup, I went to bed about 11PM and I think he crawled

into bed about 3AM. The difference was I told him last night that I

was done pleading, cajoling, crying, threatening, etc. I was just

going to start going to bed and if he couldn't tear himself away

from the computer soon after to follow that he'd better not even

think of waking me up--even for a kiss, cuddle, etc. I said this in

a nice tone of voice, believe it or not (!), but was very matter of

fact.

>

> I really think what he's doing is using that computer the way

some would use computer games or TV, etc., as a means of escaping

because he really is going through an identity crisis. And it's not

that I'm unwilling to talk to him for hours on end about this. Even

yesterday AM, I gave up my daily run and was late getting my son to

a swim meet so we could talk about this. But we'll talk and talk

and talk and all that happens is that he gets emotional and teary

and " woe is me, my life has been so terrible " , but never takes any

action to try to DO something about it.

>

> Sorry I wandered off the topic of ED a bit. But this avoidance

is so unlike him that I wonder if he's still got some performance

anxiety going? He did admit last week that he felt very close to

back to normal, so I'm not sure. But while he has no problem

getting and maintaining an erection and climaxing, he has had

intermittent problems staying hard during intercourse. Maybe I

should be lurking in a different support group now...

>

> I'll tell you all honestly that I'm ready to throw in the

towel. It's been an 18 year long emotional struggle to figure out

what makes this guy happy and I'm tired of feeling like whatever I

do or say is wrong, wrong, wrong.

>

> Thanks for the vent.

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Wayne: I sent you a few emails to your other address. Did you get them? I know you have my correct yahoo addy as I've received all yours. I'm happy to elaborate more on my story and hear more about yours. Just let me know if you got those other emails. Sorry, group for posting this public. I wasn't sure Wayne would see it otherwise. Thanks!Hawaiian Wayne wrote: Aloha duckfan!Don't throw in the towel!!! I, for

one, need you two. You KNOW what I'm talking about and am still waiting for your email acknowledging that I had YOUR correct email! You just won't believe how your marriage and mine mirror each other so much!!! I think it would be a shame to at least NOT touch base. OK? Plus I have some sites that do deal with this situation or ones very much like them.Did you EVER think that HE uses the Internet to play games, write real co-friends? Or does he use it to look at porn and write to "Hot Babes, Inc." LOL! He then gets all hot and goes to bed and bothers YOU! that wouldn't be good. Not at all.OK, one more time. I think we should keep in touch. Our relationship almost ended at the beginning of last year (2005). Although you wouldn't know it now!!! The ups and downs are sure something...Aloha for now,Wayne>> I'm just about ready to throw in the towel in frustration here. At first, it seemed as though my husband was more than willing to discuss the ED thing and he had no problem making doctor's appointments, etc. But now it seems as though he's avoiding me and though I think there are other things also coming into play, I'm wondering if ED is also part of the issue. Here's the abridged version.> > He's never had a libido issue. In fact, I've always had trouble keeping up with HIS libido. Our first few years of marriage were troublesome because we started off with me taking a new job and moving 1000 miles away while he cleaned up business at home, quit his job and came to join me. My new job was high pressure, high stress, located in a city where I didn't want to live and required a tremendous amount of travel and hours overall. I had an unscrupulous boss. I was

ok when we were still living apart, but when he moved to where I was permanently and couldn't find a job and became very clingy (probably depressed, now that I think about it) and pulled me in 4 different directions, I started suffering from panic attacks and general anxiety. I'm pretty sure *I* was depressed then too as I had ZERO libido. But he was anything but understanding. He accused me of "bait and switch" (from my pre-marriage libido), being frigid, being a cold-hearted bitch, etc. It was> terrible. Now that he's spent the last 8 years or so suffering from depression and anxiety himself and a lot of those years in therapy, he says he now understands what was happening to me and takes most of the blame for what happened to us then. What happened was that in response to his demands, I just withdrew further and put up a wall between us.> > Anyway, the past five years or so, he's been on Prozac. At

first, the only side effect we noticed was more difficulty in climaxing. No effect on libido. But between a relationship crisis, a financial crisis and career and job crises for him, he began suffering from almost total ED. His initial response was to wean off the Prozac as that seemed the most likely culprit. Things didn't get better the way the docs said they would. But he started getting more regular sleep and working out again and quit the crazy job he had and things did start to improve. In fact, I can say now that he's about 90% back to normal. And we are finally finding a place for initimacy in our lives (not just sexual--when I pushed him away, I withdrew emotionally as well) and figuring out how to carve out some couple time every day in this crazy world of kids, work, etc.> > So what's the problem? Well, lately it seems as though he'd rather stay up until all hours of the night surfing the

'net, emailing his friends, etc., than coming to bed with me. We've had several knock-down, drag out fights over this, lots of tears and long discussions. I've heard a lot of "I'm sorrys" to the point where they don't mean much anymore. I resent being woken up at 3 or 4AM for cuddling, kisssing and/or sex. So yesterday, I finally sat down and had it out with him. The discussion wandered its way back to him, his job situation, depression etc. I think I've finally come to the conclusion that the past 18 years have not been about us or about the kids, but really all about him. But that's a whole different issue.> > Anyway, despite the discussion yesterday AM, guess what happened last night? Yup, I went to bed about 11PM and I think he crawled into bed about 3AM. The difference was I told him last night that I was done pleading, cajoling, crying, threatening, etc. I was just going to start going to bed and

if he couldn't tear himself away from the computer soon after to follow that he'd better not even think of waking me up--even for a kiss, cuddle, etc. I said this in a nice tone of voice, believe it or not (!), but was very matter of fact.> > I really think what he's doing is using that computer the way some would use computer games or TV, etc., as a means of escaping because he really is going through an identity crisis. And it's not that I'm unwilling to talk to him for hours on end about this. Even yesterday AM, I gave up my daily run and was late getting my son to a swim meet so we could talk about this. But we'll talk and talk and talk and all that happens is that he gets emotional and teary and "woe is me, my life has been so terrible", but never takes any action to try to DO something about it.> > Sorry I wandered off the topic of ED a bit. But this avoidance is so unlike him that I

wonder if he's still got some performance anxiety going? He did admit last week that he felt very close to back to normal, so I'm not sure. But while he has no problem getting and maintaining an erection and climaxing, he has had intermittent problems staying hard during intercourse. Maybe I should be lurking in a different support group now...> > I'll tell you all honestly that I'm ready to throw in the towel. It's been an 18 year long emotional struggle to figure out what makes this guy happy and I'm tired of feeling like whatever I do or say is wrong, wrong, wrong.> > Thanks for the vent.> > __________________________________________________>