Video of

[Guest guest]

I found this old video we had made of when she was 2. dh and I sat and

watched it, mesmerized by how totally adorable she was (and how young we were).

God, she was such a cute little plump sweetie pie but my word, was she

autistic!!! If I saw a video of a child like that today I'd know in a minute. We

didn't start to put it together till she was 3 and I always thought we were

doing good to have done that. Lately I have been so depressed thinking about how

totally unaffectionate she is. I couldn't even remember ever having been hugged

by her (willingly). But on the video I had just finished feeding her and I

pulled her up and said " hug Mama " and she wrapped her arms around me so tight

and clung! I couldn't take it; I was so teary eyed. There is actual proof that

she did indeed hug me at least once and I'm sure I took it totally for granted.

I'm sad cause I gave her her first birth control pill tonight and I don't know

what to expect. She has been behaving so horribly and so aggressive it just

breaks my heart. People are always so quick to say " oh you know she loves

you " ...but I really don't. I suppose all moms of 17 yr. olds feel that way but

I've felt this way almost all her life. In one part of the video I'm saying to

her " you're going to be talking real soon now once we get those tubes in your

ears this week " .

She made the same weird sounds she makes now only on a higher pitch but dang!

she was adorable. I wish I could have reached right into the screen and got a

few more hugs to tide me over.

Oh well, thanks for letting me whine a little

Sherry

[Guest guest]

I know I do not post much but I do read each and every one. I am new to all

of this as my daughter is only 3 ½ and just was dx in late November.

Something you said jumped out at me and I wanted to respond to it. “People

are always so quick to say " oh you know she loves you " ...but I really don't”

I am fortunate that my daughter hugs me, mind you when she wants to. But I

can relate to what you said in a way. The selfish part of me wants to hear

my daughter call me mama, or even sign it. People always tell me that she

knows you are here mother, you can see her eyes light up when you walk into

the room. But sometimes I wonder if she really does know who I am or am I

just a person that takes care of her and I can relate to that feeling that

comes over you. I know that this is not the same but I am sending you an

email hug :-)

_____

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf

Of gldcst

Sent: Sunday, December 17, 2006 8:36 PM

To:

Subject: [sPAM] Video of

I found this old video we had made of when she was 2. dh and I sat and

watched it, mesmerized by how totally adorable she was (and how young we

were). God, she was such a cute little plump sweetie pie but my word, was

she autistic!!! If I saw a video of a child like that today I'd know in a

minute. We didn't start to put it together till she was 3 and I always

thought we were doing good to have done that. Lately I have been so

depressed thinking about how totally unaffectionate she is. I couldn't even

remember ever having been hugged by her (willingly). But on the video I had

just finished feeding her and I pulled her up and said " hug Mama " and she

wrapped her arms around me so tight and clung! I couldn't take it; I was so

teary eyed. There is actual proof that she did indeed hug me at least once

and I'm sure I took it totally for granted.

I'm sad cause I gave her her first birth control pill tonight and I don't

know what to expect. She has been behaving so horribly and so aggressive it

just breaks my heart. People are always so quick to say " oh you know she

loves you " ...but I really don't. I suppose all moms of 17 yr. olds feel that

way but I've felt this way almost all her life. In one part of the video I'm

saying to her " you're going to be talking real soon now once we get those

tubes in your ears this week " .

She made the same weird sounds she makes now only on a higher pitch but

dang! she was adorable. I wish I could have reached right into the screen

and got a few more hugs to tide me over.

Oh well, thanks for letting me whine a little

Sherry

[Guest guest]

Janie didn't start calling me Mama until she turned 7. She realizes

we have special things that only she and I do together, like the way

we say her goodnight prayers, but she goes to sleep fine when I am

not there at bedtime. Since I can't get inside her head, I like to

believe that in her way she does love me and would certainly know

someone important to her was missing if I suddenly dissapeared from

her life. My husband is a truck driver who sometimes has to be gone

over night and she now always asks for him several times when he does

not come home by dinner time. She is very selective about who she

trusts to interact with. Caring for her is more than just an

important job to me. She may not " get " love as we understand it, but

we have those occasional moments together that are just as magical as

the first time I saw her in her incubator before I knew we would

adopt her. It may sound weird, but I swear we looked right into each

other's eyes and knew we were meant to be mother and child. At that

time someone else was planning to adopt her! It was always hard to

get her to make eye contact after that moment, but I have always

positioned her where she could not avoid looking at me. When she

actually " sees " me it means a lot. Taking her off stimulants and

starting abilify has made a tremendous difference in her ablility to

interact personally with me or other significant people in her life.

We still have a long way to go, but I feel really good about progress

we have made the past few months since her PDD-NOS dx and med

changes. I feel blessed to have a connection with her. Also, I am

hoping for dramatic growth in her other abilities once I finish

getting her IEP revised to better meet her needs. A lot was left out

before we got the dx because noone knew what we were dealing with.

Anyway, I hope each of you can find some level of connection with

your child. It must be so heartwrenching not to feel it. <<<HUG>>>

P.

>

> I know I do not post much but I do read each and every one. I am

new to all

> of this as my daughter is only 3 ½ and just was dx in late November.

> Something you said jumped out at me and I wanted to respond to

it. " People

> are always so quick to say " oh you know she loves you " ...but I

really don't "

> I am fortunate that my daughter hugs me, mind you when she wants

to. But I

> can relate to what you said in a way. The selfish part of me wants

to hear

> my daughter call me mama, or even sign it. People always tell me

that she

> knows you are here mother, you can see her eyes light up when you

walk into

> the room. But sometimes I wonder if she really does know who I am

or am I

> just a person that takes care of her and I can relate to that

feeling that

> comes over you. I know that this is not the same but I am sending

you an

> email hug :-)

>

>

>

>

>

> _____

>

> From: [mailto: ]

On Behalf

> Of gldcst

> Sent: Sunday, December 17, 2006 8:36 PM

> To:

> Subject: [sPAM] Video of

>

>

>

> I found this old video we had made of when she was 2. dh and

I sat and

> watched it, mesmerized by how totally adorable she was (and how

young we

> were). God, she was such a cute little plump sweetie pie but my

word, was

> she autistic!!! If I saw a video of a child like that today I'd

know in a

> minute. We didn't start to put it together till she was 3 and I

always

> thought we were doing good to have done that. Lately I have been so

> depressed thinking about how totally unaffectionate she is. I

couldn't even

> remember ever having been hugged by her (willingly). But on the

video I had

> just finished feeding her and I pulled her up and said " hug Mama "

and she

> wrapped her arms around me so tight and clung! I couldn't take it;

I was so

> teary eyed. There is actual proof that she did indeed hug me at

least once

> and I'm sure I took it totally for granted.

> I'm sad cause I gave her her first birth control pill tonight and I

don't

> know what to expect. She has been behaving so horribly and so

aggressive it

> just breaks my heart. People are always so quick to say " oh you

know she

> loves you " ...but I really don't. I suppose all moms of 17 yr. olds

feel that

> way but I've felt this way almost all her life. In one part of the

video I'm

> saying to her " you're going to be talking real soon now once we get

those

> tubes in your ears this week " .

> She made the same weird sounds she makes now only on a higher pitch

but

> dang! she was adorable. I wish I could have reached right into the

screen

> and got a few more hugs to tide me over.

> Oh well, thanks for letting me whine a little

> Sherry

>

>