proxy conversations, rituals

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I am glad to hear that I am not alone in this strange need to have

conversations with something inert that makes it safe to communicate

with my nada! I also keep a dream journal as I often dream about

my nada, horrible, stressful dreams that are so dripping in symbolism

that sometimes it takes me an hour to figure it all out on paper.

> I have imaginary conversations all the time with folks. I

> even have a name for it. I call it " running scenarios " .

> I'm so glad you wrote about this because I feel a little

> strange too when I do this sometimes. I keep a notebook of

> " Scenarios and Dreams " and quick-jot down the overall

> themes of any nighttime dreams or daytime scenarios that I

> run. This is really interesting to do because it's sort of

> validating (I'm important enough to write about, you know)

> and I can watch myself develope and grow over time.

I like your perspetive on proxy conversations. I think that it

makes a lot of sense. As kids we were overloaded by all this

overwhelming emotional and irrational and painful stuff that we

could not possibly sort out. Now, we have to dig it all back up

and unravel all the knots and figure out what goes where and what

it actually really meant. Now that we are adults we can actually

understand what was impossible to understand as children. Our

brains have a lot of catching up to do and I guess we should help

them in any way we can, even if it might seem a little strange.

> One way that I think about proxy conversations and

> scenarios is the following: I read somewhere that

> neurobiologists believe that people integrate and process

> their everyday experiences while they dream at night. And

> they believe that this is part of how the brain heals and

> cares for itself. I figure, us KO's must have A LOT of

> stressful experiences to integrate and process. Way more

> than could possibly be processed by only dreaming at night.

> So maybe having proxy conversations, and running scenarios

> is a form of waking dreams. It helps us catch up on all of

> our backloged integration work.

I love your idea of presenting yourself with a medal for heroics on

the battlefield! That's a great idea! I have considered the idea

of wearing black in mourning in the past too, but never got around to

it. I think that it is good to bring out into the light these needs,

they have been repressed and bottled up for so long that seeing them

out in the open as symbols is sometimes the only way I have to acknowledge

the underlying feelings.

I hope that you will wear your pin proudly!

--Milena

> I also do rituals and find them very very helpful. Right

> now I am wearing all black because I am in mourning for my

> family of origin (or lack thereof). These rituals really

> help me take inside things and express them as outside

> things. I also shopped around at my local thrift stores

> for a very distinguished looking pin. And I'm going to

> have a ceremony to present myself with this " medal of

> honor " to honor my heroics in " battle " that saved the life

> of a very precious person (ME!!!!).

> Weird, but true

>