Guest guest Posted January 2, 2000 Report Share Posted January 2, 2000 Good to see you joining us, J! I can't add too much to this work. For what it's worth, I've been through this myself with my husband at one time or another. What I came to realize is that I wanted to give myself permission to do the very thing I didn't want him to do (have sex with another). Talk about strange turn arounds. After looking at that, I realized that I only wanted it in my mind. My integrity never allowed me to take advantage of opportunities. Laurie o. -- a tough one Hi to the list. I have not been a part of the group for very long and really haven't had the opportunity to share any work with you. I have not had anything painful come up for me for a long time until last night - I complained of this to my mother who introduced me to The Work and she said " Just hang out, something is sure to come up " and it certainly did... I have been in a loving relationship for seven years and my boyfriend and I have been seperated for work reasons for the summer. At first I thought this would be very hard but I have really been enjoying the time to myself and have had the good fortune to visit him twice already. <<clipped>> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2000 Report Share Posted January 2, 2000 My integrity: I examined what " I " wanted and didn't want when faced with reality. I asked myself if it would make me feel peaceful inside to engage in sexual affections with another. The fantasy is not the same as the reality. If this isn't clear enough, let me know. Laurie -- a tough one > > > >Hi to the list. I have not been a part of the group for very long and > >really haven't had the opportunity to share any work with you. I have > >not had anything painful come up for me for a long time until last > >night - I complained of this to my mother who introduced me to The > >Work and she said " Just hang out, something is sure to come up " and > >it certainly did... > > > >I have been in a loving relationship for seven years and my boyfriend > >and I have been seperated for work reasons for the summer. At first I > >thought this would be very hard but I have really been enjoying the > >time to myself and have had the good fortune to visit him twice > >already. > > > ><<clipped>> _________________________________________________________________ MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos: http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2002 Report Share Posted July 31, 2002 Dear J, Welcome. Your worksheet made me feel a knot in my stomach, and obviously i could related to it viscerally and totally. Though my present circumstances aren't the same I have felt similarly in the past. I look forward to hearing other's feedback. Thank you for bringing this up. -heidi > Hi to the list. I have not been a part of the group for very long and > really haven't had the opportunity to share any work with you. I have > not had anything painful come up for me for a long time until last > night - I complained of this to my mother who introduced me to The > Work and she said " Just hang out, something is sure to come up " and > it certainly did... > > I have been in a loving relationship for seven years and my boyfriend > and I have been seperated for work reasons for the summer. At first I > thought this would be very hard but I have really been enjoying the > time to myself and have had the good fortune to visit him twice > already. > > Last night we had a long phone conversation about sex and our > relationship and what would we do if the other had an affair. We have > actually discussed having an " open " relationship in the past and in > principle agree to it but I don't know how each one of us would feel > if the other actually acted on these discussions. > > This morning many thoughts of sadness arose for me about our > situation and I decided to try doing the " Work " for the first time. > > Here is my worksheet, I think I get most of this but this one is very > painful, I haven 't been able to stop crying all morning. It feels > like I am grieving the innocence of our past relationship when we > would not even consider others desirable and only had eyes for one > another... > > 1. I am sad that Y wants to sleep with other women > > 2. I want Y only to desire me, I want Y to put me first, I want Y to > love me more than anyone else > > 3. Y shouldn't sleep with anyone else, Y should only desire me > sexually > > 4. I need Y to desire me sexually (exclusively), I need Y's love > > 5. Y is selfish, Y is lonely, Y is horny > > 6. I don't ever want Y to tell me he wants to sleep with other people > again, I don't ever want Y to leave me. > > I would appreciate any feedback. > > He and I have a very open and loving relationship and we have only > been exploring these ideas in our minds. The source of sadness I know > has to do ultimately with love and being loved and loving myself - > and what is... > > Thanks to you all for this well of insight and inspiration, in this > case I have the gift of getting this out on a message. > > J. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2002 Report Share Posted July 31, 2002 Thanks Laurie, Just a quick question. What do you mean by " integrity " ? Thanks again. J. > >Reply-To: Loving-what-is >To: Loving-what-is >Subject: Re: a tough one >Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2000 11:45:41 -0600 (Central Standard Time) > >Good to see you joining us, J! > > > >I can't add too much to this work. For what it's worth, I've been through >this myself with my husband at one time or another. What I came to realize >is that I wanted to give myself permission to do the very thing I didn't >want him to do (have sex with another). Talk about strange turn arounds. >After looking at that, I realized that I only wanted it in my mind. My >integrity never allowed me to take advantage of opportunities. > >Laurie o. > > > > > >-- a tough one > > > >Hi to the list. I have not been a part of the group for very long and > >really haven't had the opportunity to share any work with you. I have > >not had anything painful come up for me for a long time until last > >night - I complained of this to my mother who introduced me to The > >Work and she said " Just hang out, something is sure to come up " and > >it certainly did... > > > >I have been in a loving relationship for seven years and my boyfriend > >and I have been seperated for work reasons for the summer. At first I > >thought this would be very hard but I have really been enjoying the > >time to myself and have had the good fortune to visit him twice > >already. > > > ><<clipped>> _________________________________________________________________ MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos: http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2002 Report Share Posted July 31, 2002 Thanks. > >Reply-To: Loving-what-is >To: Loving-what-is >Subject: Re: a tough one >Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2000 12:34:27 -0600 (Central Standard Time) > >My integrity: I examined what " I " wanted and didn't want when faced with >reality. I asked myself if it would make me feel peaceful inside to engage >in sexual affections with another. The fantasy is not the same as the >reality. > > > >If this isn't clear enough, let me know. > >Laurie > > > >-- a tough one > > > > > > > > > > > >Hi to the list. I have not been a part of the group for very long and > > > > > >really haven't had the opportunity to share any work with you. I have > > > > > >not had anything painful come up for me for a long time until last > > > > > >night - I complained of this to my mother who introduced me to The > > > > > >Work and she said " Just hang out, something is sure to come up " and > > > > > >it certainly did... > > > > > > > > > > > >I have been in a loving relationship for seven years and my boyfriend > > > > > >and I have been seperated for work reasons for the summer. At first I > > > > > >thought this would be very hard but I have really been enjoying the > > > > > >time to myself and have had the good fortune to visit him twice > > > > > >already. > > > > > > > > > > > ><<clipped>> > > > > > > > > > >_________________________________________________________________ > >MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos: > >http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2002 Report Share Posted July 31, 2002 Dear , I wrote dozens of worksheets on this issue some years back and it is a tough one - a very tough one. That you could even discuss the possibilities of an open relationship tells me you have a lot more opening than I did then . And I do hear your pain of today. And lots of wisdom too. " The source of sadness I know > has to do ultimately with love and being loved and loving myself - > and what is... " Believing that sex is love is our downfall. What an erroneous and painful belief this one is. People are sexing all the time and does it mean they love. I don't think so. Watch two dogs in a park and you'll see that sex is sex. The need for the continuation and procreation of the species creates the sexual urge. People get horny - it's a biological urge. To think that I am the only female my husband would desire --Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. What is it about the special, romantic relationship that makes us equate love with sex? Somewhere there we've equated sex with being special, wanted , loved and that's what we crave and at the slightest sign he's turning elsewhere for sex, it means we are not special, wanted , loved and we die. We die because now we are no longer special. Specialness is the ego's crazed version of love. All we want is love, it is our true nature, it is home and we are always trying to go back home to that state. We're just confused when we think specialness is love. So , if your partner goes elsewhere what does that mean? It means he wants to have sex. And what will that give him? A muscle spasm. Over in a flash. Throw in some puffed up feelings, a little high, a little image stroking etc. Over in a flash. This is not love. What you and he share right now is not necessarily love either, some real love mixed with the codependent version of love/need. But you do share a connection - a connection at the soul level and probably a shared willingness to work through some heavy learning stuff together. What could be more loving than that? It's your freedom. It's his freedom. I think I got a bit carried away here, I hope it's not preachy but I'm too lazy to go back and try and smooth it out. And I don't mean to gloss over your pain, it was the most painful thing in my life and I cried and stormed and hated and raged for a long time. I did the work with and she asked me to imagine my boyfriend in bed with another woman. Painful. : How is he? What do you see? Me: He's entertained, engrossed, happy. : He's happy. Isn't that what you want? Me: But I want to be the cause of his happiness. ( Hopeless) : Who would you be without this? Me: Oh God (because I couldn't even imagine it) : Yes, angel, that's who you'd be! You have some beautiful turnarounds in that piece you wrote, especially no. 2. Much love . Margaret In Loving-what-is@y..., " jessofhali " <jessicaandrews_macleod@h...> wrote: > Hi to the list. I have not been a part of the group for very long and > really haven't had the opportunity to share any work with you. I have > not had anything painful come up for me for a long time until last > night - I complained of this to my mother who introduced me to The > Work and she said " Just hang out, something is sure to come up " and > it certainly did... > > I have been in a loving relationship for seven years and my boyfriend > and I have been seperated for work reasons for the summer. At first I > thought this would be very hard but I have really been enjoying the > time to myself and have had the good fortune to visit him twice > already. > > Last night we had a long phone conversation about sex and our > relationship and what would we do if the other had an affair. We have > actually discussed having an " open " relationship in the past and in > principle agree to it but I don't know how each one of us would feel > if the other actually acted on these discussions. > > This morning many thoughts of sadness arose for me about our > situation and I decided to try doing the " Work " for the first time. > > Here is my worksheet, I think I get most of this but this one is very > painful, I haven 't been able to stop crying all morning. It feels > like I am grieving the innocence of our past relationship when we > would not even consider others desirable and only had eyes for one > another... > > 1. I am sad that Y wants to sleep with other women > > 2. I want Y only to desire me, I want Y to put me first, I want Y to > love me more than anyone else > > 3. Y shouldn't sleep with anyone else, Y should only desire me > sexually > > 4. I need Y to desire me sexually (exclusively), I need Y's love > > 5. Y is selfish, Y is lonely, Y is horny > > 6. I don't ever want Y to tell me he wants to sleep with other people > again, I don't ever want Y to leave me. > > I would appreciate any feedback. > > He and I have a very open and loving relationship and we have only > been exploring these ideas in our minds. The source of sadness I know > has to do ultimately with love and being loved and loving myself - > and what is... > > Thanks to you all for this well of insight and inspiration, in this > case I have the gift of getting this out on a message. > > J. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2002 Report Share Posted July 31, 2002 wrote: > Here is my worksheet... Good worksheet. Now do the Work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2002 Report Share Posted July 31, 2002 you got it pontiac! A) I am sad that Y wants to sleep with other women 1. Yes 2. Yes - but I feel the pull towards a no b/c I understand that desire at times in me --- this work definiteley drives itself... 3. I am sad 4. Someone who didn't care what Y wanted. T/A - I am happy that Y wants to sleep with other women (yes he is normal!) Y is sad that I want to sleep with other men/women (as per Laurie's comments I totally see this in me) I want Y to only desire me 1. Yes 2. Yes, that would be ideal wouldn't it - if he became an obsessed maniac I might not want this...3. Afraid that he doesn't 4. I wouldn't care who Y desired. T/A Y wants me to only desire him I don't want Y to only desire me and margaret - I think I see the one you meant - I want me to only desire me. C) Y should only think about me sexually 1. No 2. No 3. I feel undesirable (that is if he is thinking about someone else) 4. Again it would not matter and I would not feel threatened by his thoughts of others.. I added one that uses on the tapes that I find really helpful: How do you treat Y when you think these thoughts - With suspiscion, frustration, anger, and like a slimeball. Not lovingly at all! T/A (similar to above) The undoing happens soooo fast! Y is selfish Y is lonely Y is horny T/A I am selfish, lonely and horny - Yes to all, depending on the moment... #6 I don't ever want Y to tell me he wants to sleep with others again This just wasn't it for me So I realized that what I really meant by all of this was: I don't want Y to leave me and then I don't want anyone to leave me. Which becomes... T/A I look forward to everyone leaving me (so I can find peace in myself). that's what it is definitely all about - even though I think I knew this from the beginning. Thanks Warren for making me actually share the work part of it. I had done this in the morning and am attempting to re-create it for you here now. Funny thing is, the moment I was in all of this is gone and the undoing is done and now it just feels silly with a tinge of loneliness... Also thanks Laurie for your sharing - what you said was bang on - I still think we need to continue to explore the nature of our relationship (me and Y) but I am happy to know we talk about all of this stuff. Thanks Heidi - I hope I didn't make you feel too sick from my sharing as you can see it is all in the mind. Finally thanks Margaret - I love your preaching I found your post very helpful. Especially the part you shared about imagining that which seems unimaginable - I had actually pictured y with someone else and my imagining his happiness was a real turnaround! (because it makes me happy to see him happy) I know that there is a lot of work being done here in this forum and a lot of need for feedback. I hope I can be supportive in the same ways that you all have for me when the time is right. Thanks all for taking the time... J. > >Reply-To: Loving-what-is >To: Loving-what-is >Subject: Re: a tough one >Date: Thu, 01 Aug 2002 01:19:47 -0000 > > wrote: > > Here is my worksheet... > >Good worksheet. Now do the Work. > _________________________________________________________________ Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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