Guest guest Posted March 31, 2004 Report Share Posted March 31, 2004 Unfortunately, my wife feels that spending all of her time away from the home doing things for herself, hanging with friends, not participating in the rasing of the children, Hi-this also happened with my husband. And I'm sad to say, many spouses where my son used to go for therapy had the same story. Apparently it's not uncommon that one parent is in total denial. In my case, honestly, as it turned out i was finding out about my son's aspergers, I relaized that my husband had it too-but never had treatment, and was also in deep denial about it. I think it's great that you have done so much research. I think it is CRITICAL that these gifted children are with a parent who really understands their needs and also how crucial the therapy and other routines are in their lives. Best of luck to you-i know divorce is a horrible time. hugs, kate g aurora, il Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2004 Report Share Posted March 31, 2004 Angie Parsons wrote: > Dawn and everyone else... How do you all keep up with everything you > need to do?? Do you have any anxiety over all of it at all?? I know > we do what we have to do, but that does not leave much time to do > what we would like to do. HOW DO YOU ALL MANAGE?? ANGIE Speaking for myself (like I could speak for anyone else ), I went through college and got my B.A. in English (at 47) and my M.A. in English Lit. (at 53), saw my husband through several cancer bouts requiring surgery as well as helping him rehabilitate himself after a stroke, got diagnosed with HCV and went through chemo for that (which didn't work) and total exhaustion most of the time. All this while raising Louie, who is HFA/AS as was as he was growing up shall we say a challenge. I battled a high school that dealt with him on a basis of fear and distaste, the Social Security system that kept losing his and our records or getting his records mixed up with his Dad's, all while watching most of our friends stop coming over and our social life with others slip from little to less. How did I do it, and cope? Well, I started by realizing that while Louie was home and having problems and while my husband was having problems, my life belonged to them. I took joy in small things, like a walk down the hill to the park to just sit, or a " dinner out " at Taco Bell, or watching the spring come on strong. I read a lot, part of it having to do with my degrees, a good deal of it just good old fiction. Even though it took time, going to school myself gave me an outlet I wouldn't have had otherwise, and a group of acquaintances from class that were just that: friends at school and nowhere else. And I got it set in my mind that nothing, absolutely nothing, lasts forever so the time I was going through wouldn't last forever either. It would, someday, resolve itself. Louie would, someday, be moved to his own place or to a good place for him. And I put all my energies and time, all that not needed for my degrees (which I refused to give up), toward that time and preparing him for it. School opinion be damned, if you will excuse my language; they were not going to determine the course of my son's life. His Dad and I would do that, in our own way, whether they agreed with it or not. Our time, my husband's and my time, would come after Louie was settled firmly in his lifecourse, living away from home, paddling his own canoe with the oars he was given. Once I made that decision, and my husband concurred with it, things got a little easier. We kept the future days in the back of our minds and used them like a salve when things were tough, when a teacher was mean to our son, when the latest cancer surgery didn't work and we had a recurrance, when I was so tired that I was confined to a couch all day. My husband was an enormous help in this. We sorta took the path that whoever felt best that day would deal with Louie and his issues with school and whatever. And if no one felt good, then those problems would have to wait. We scaled back activities to what was essential. We never looked back, only forward. And, as I say, things got easier on our minds at least. Now that Louie is 24 and living in assisted living, working, and doing great, it's our time. Granted, that time is impinged upon by my continuing health problems (I'm on the liver transplant list), but compared to what we've been through, this is a piece of cake. We enjoy our time as a couple instead of as a couple of parents. We have begun to make new friends. We've joined a church and become involved in activities and committees there. We go out, when our pocketbook can stand it....which isn't often, but is more than when Louie was home. I think it was worth the wait. I appreciate life's little gifts and surprises a lot more now than I think I would have before. Anyway, that's what we had facing us, that's how we handled it, and we are now in a good good place...all three of us. Annie, who loves ya annie@... -- " When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. " -- H. Boren Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2004 Report Share Posted March 31, 2004 Annie, What an inspiration!! With the dairy farm work is seven days a week, and our evening out is usually a trip to the Mcs drive through or a ride around the countryside with the Kubota, kids all in tow. The laundry and cleaning is overwhelming here and I have eliminated extra activities out of the house because it is just too much to keep up with. We do bible schools, family get togethers time permitting, and xmas programs with the church. I am lucky enough to have family that comes to see me even if we don't get out to see them. This time of year is major farm work time and my husband is gone all hours of the day, sometimes not done til 10 at night and we start at 4 in the morning. I don't want to give up barn because that is really the only time my husband and I get to talk. The girls come to the barn now and are helping me with calves and playing while we milk. And I love that time, though it does cut out a big chunk of time that I would be able to do housework. Summers are better when we don't ahve to fight with schoolwork every week evening. And it is alot less stressful for Hannah. I don't need much to make me happy, little things, but somedays just getting a moment alone even in the bathroom is non existant. I use to do art... but I don't do that anymore. Not enough time and if I turn my back for a short amount of time someone does art for me. I like to color with the kids though, and we read together. Hannah enjoys alot of the look and find books and we are MAJOR fans of all the I spy stuff. We go fishing when it is warmer, we have our own pond. But somedays I feel like I ended further behind than when I started. I think family pressure has been alot of my problems, but how do I correct them. I have thought about moving away at times just so I don't get my Mom coming out and scolding my kids for not having everything picked up and my grand mother for doing her "tisk tisk" when she sees how the place looks and the in laws feeling like they can't visit til they tidy up the place for me. I don't mind the help but usually what I am needing from them is for them to sit down and talk or play with the kids. For them to enjoy being with us instead of feeling sorry for my surroundings. I am a pretty good housekeeper but with kids the house doesn't stay clean for more than half an hour if you are lucky... and I don't want to punish them for being kids. All the while I feel like I am run ragged keeping up appearances?? Am I crazy? Help! Re: Dawn- Keeping Up Angie Parsons wrote:> Dawn and everyone else... How do you all keep up with everything you> need to do?? Do you have any anxiety over all of it at all?? I know> we do what we have to do, but that does not leave much time to do> what we would like to do. HOW DO YOU ALL MANAGE?? ANGIESpeaking for myself (like I could speak for anyone else ), I wentthrough college and got my B.A. in English (at 47) and my M.A. inEnglish Lit. (at 53), saw my husband through several cancer boutsrequiring surgery as well as helping him rehabilitate himself after astroke, got diagnosed with HCV and went through chemo for that (whichdidn't work) and total exhaustion most of the time. All this whileraising Louie, who is HFA/AS as was as he was growing up shall we say achallenge. I battled a high school that dealt with him on a basis offear and distaste, the Social Security system that kept losing his andour records or getting his records mixed up with his Dad's, all whilewatching most of our friends stop coming over and our social life withothers slip from little to less.How did I do it, and cope? Well, I started by realizing that whileLouie was home and having problems and while my husband was havingproblems, my life belonged to them. I took joy in small things, like awalk down the hill to the park to just sit, or a "dinner out" at TacoBell, or watching the spring come on strong. I read a lot, part of ithaving to do with my degrees, a good deal of it just good old fiction.Even though it took time, going to school myself gave me an outlet Iwouldn't have had otherwise, and a group of acquaintances from classthat were just that: friends at school and nowhere else. And I got itset in my mind that nothing, absolutely nothing, lasts forever so thetime I was going through wouldn't last forever either. It would,someday, resolve itself. Louie would, someday, be moved to his ownplace or to a good place for him. And I put all my energies and time,all that not needed for my degrees (which I refused to give up), towardthat time and preparing him for it. School opinion be damned, if youwill excuse my language; they were not going to determine the course ofmy son's life. His Dad and I would do that, in our own way, whetherthey agreed with it or not. Our time, my husband's and my time, wouldcome after Louie was settled firmly in his lifecourse, living away fromhome, paddling his own canoe with the oars he was given.Once I made that decision, and my husband concurred with it, things gota little easier. We kept the future days in the back of our minds andused them like a salve when things were tough, when a teacher was meanto our son, when the latest cancer surgery didn't work and we had arecurrance, when I was so tired that I was confined to a couch all day. My husband was an enormous help in this. We sorta took the path thatwhoever felt best that day would deal with Louie and his issues withschool and whatever. And if no one felt good, then those problems wouldhave to wait. We scaled back activities to what was essential. Wenever looked back, only forward. And, as I say, things got easier onour minds at least.Now that Louie is 24 and living in assisted living, working, and doinggreat, it's our time. Granted, that time is impinged upon by mycontinuing health problems (I'm on the liver transplant list), butcompared to what we've been through, this is a piece of cake. We enjoyour time as a couple instead of as a couple of parents. We have begunto make new friends. We've joined a church and become involved inactivities and committees there. We go out, when our pocketbook canstand it....which isn't often, but is more than when Louie was home. :)I think it was worth the wait. I appreciate life's little gifts andsurprises a lot more now than I think I would have before.Anyway, that's what we had facing us, that's how we handled it, and weare now in a good good place...all three of us. :)Annie, who loves ya annie@...-- "When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge,ponder." -- H. Boren Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2004 Report Share Posted March 31, 2004 Dear Annie ~ First of all, you are a great writer. I wanted to go on reading when your email was over ! Second of all, you have been through so much and have a lot to tell me about looking forward and never backwards and it has a powerful message. Thank you. I will pray for you with your liver transplant possibilities and that life will continue to be good, good for all of you. God bless ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2004 Report Share Posted March 31, 2004 Well, I manage by learning as much as possible about Aspergers, ADHD, anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders, dyslexia, demylination, and sensory integration so that I can deal with things as they come along without feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, my wife feels that spending all of her time away from the home doing things for herself, hanging with friends, not participating in the rasing of the children, and devoting her life to some 17 year old prodigy she found at her church is an appropriate response to our son’s condition. Needless to say I have filed for divorce, yet she feels she is the better parent. Some handle stress differently than others, some gain strength, others run in fear. If all of this had come on at once, I would likely be a basket case now, but because it progressed slow enough, I was able to get the necessary medical and educational help put into place. I wish all of you the best and thank you for being such strong voices for me right now and for all of the great information I get in my mailbox daily. Soon, when things are more stable, I will use my free time to lobby the government to stop the use of thimerisol and other mercury/toxic materials in the name of "good health". I will also tell my friends and family of the abomination portrayed in the "United States of Leland" so that kids and adults like mine will not be the victims of prejudice. Dawn- Keeping Up Dawn and everyone else... How do you all keep up with everything you need to do?? Do you have any anxiety over all of it at all?? I know we do what we have to do, but that does not leave much time to do what we would like to do. HOW DO YOU ALL MANAGE?? ANGIE Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2004 Report Share Posted March 31, 2004 Plumley wrote: > Dear Annie ~ > > First of all, you are a great writer. I wanted to go on reading when your > email was over ! Thanks. It pulled me through writing all those articles in grad school. > Second of all, you have been through so much and have a lot to tell me about > looking forward and never backwards and it has a powerful message. Thank > you. I will pray for you with your liver transplant possibilities and that > life will continue to be good, good for all of you. Believe me, I appreciate every prayer and kind thought sent my way regarding my health. I really do. And the reason I stayed subbed to all the autism lists I sub to after Louie grew up and moved out (he's been out 3 years now) was because I remember what it was like when he was first diagnosed....before the internet. I wish I'd had a source for info and support like this when we were first learning the ropes. So I think it's really the thing I have to do, to be here for parents first starting out, with information and the occasional waterproof shoulder. Annie, who loves ya annie@... -- " When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. " -- H. Boren Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2004 Report Share Posted March 31, 2004 My mom was a farm girl, and I was raised on a farm for the first years of my life (till 3rd grade, anyway) as well as spending time on a commune in the mountains during my hippie years, so I know what working " can see to can't " is about. It awes me that people do that and have a special kid into the bargain. Although I must admit there were times when Louie was younger that I wished we lived out in the country so he'd have a safe place to do his running in....instead of the city with busy streets that he would sometimes stop traffic on due to getting confused and afraid in the middle. I don't know that I could have handled living on a working dairy farm and raising Louie. I'm amazed that you do that! Annie, who loves ya annie@... -- " When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. " -- H. Boren Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2004 Report Share Posted April 1, 2004 Maralee wrote: > What a really cool email, Annie. You rock! Maralee P.S. I'm marketing > manager for an accelerated adult degree program...so I'm doubly > impressed with you... > Thanks, Maralee. Although, in my mind, all I've done is the best I could with what I had....to quote Bert Gummer (if you watch " Tremors " ). Annie, who loves ya annie@... -- " When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. " -- H. Boren Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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