Take the Knife Out of My Heart

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone!

" take the knife out of my heart " . Those were my mother's words

Christmas Day! Let me explain.

I've been estranged from mother for over 2.5 years now. She's 79 and,

by her choice, just recently moved into an upscale retirement home which

required her to turn over all her assets in exchange for lifetime

care.

My adult children have been very supportive through my nightmare years

with mother. They haven't seen her for over 2.5 years either, because

she cut herself off from just about everyone in her life, family and

friends alike. It was her wish that I not know where she was, according

to a distant cousin who, on the sly, has been keeping me abreast of

developments.

Now my Christmas story................

Over the past few months, my daughter has received periodic " hang up "

calls from a Caller ID " name " that strongly suggested mother. All of us

were discussing the matter Christmas Day, when my son suddenly said he

would call the home to see if the Caller ID phone number was associated

with the home. As it turned out, it wasn't; however, they gave him

mother's phone number, and he called her. They spoke briefly, and she

invited him and is sister over for a visit that day, but she didn't want

to see me, which came as no surprise.

Can you believe I tagged along and patiently waited in the car for 2.5

hours? Why did I do that? Why?

Anyhow, while I waited in the car, I decided not to give them the " third

degree " afterwards, despite my extreme curiosity. A couple of days

later, when my daughter and I were alone, she suddenly started to tell

me about their visit, without my having to ask.

Mother was really glad to see them and the visit went well, she said.

Mother even said she was happy there. Wow! I don't ever recall mother

being happy about anything, and if she didn't have something to be

unhappy about, she'd create problems where none existed, just to be

unhappy. I'm so grateful that maybe she's finally found a little

happiness.

I won't belabor the visit, except for two major things.

First, mother never once asked either of the kids how they'd been, what

they were doing, or how their lives were going. Nothing. She was

focused solely on herself and her problems, past and present.

Second, my daughter said she sort of got the feeling that mother might

sorta maybe make contact with me. Huh? Mother subtly suggested it by

saying she'd first have to " take the knife out of my [her] heart. God!

Could I have prevented........... did I cause.......... maybe I

shouldn't have......... no! I'm not going there. What about the

distortion campaigns and false accusations of fraud and forgery, all

done behind my back while pretending everything was fine between us?

How many times did I turn the other cheek to rudeness and insults? What

about all the mental grief and aggravation I went through over the

years, trying to figure her out, trying to understand where she was

coming from, trying to be more patient and tolerant, while I flogged

myself unmercifully for failing? How many times did I put her feelings

first, even when the well-being of my young daughter was at stake many

years ago? AND, what about the knives she's stabbed into MY heart, the

wounds from which I'm still recovering and which are leaving massive

scar tissue?

Mother, I'm sorry you're hurting. I truly am. However, it's time that

I acknowledge the knives you've stabbed into MY heart. It's time that I

stand up for myself and not allow you to stomp me to the ground

anymore. I will never have another thing to do with you, unless you can

recognize MY feelings and how much you've hurt ME in your desperate and

selfish effort to survive the demons that have haunted you for most of

your life, if not all of it. I am not responsible for your problems. I

never have been, and you can no longer convince me that I am. I've been

the unwitting object of your wrath, and I no longer will stand there and

take it. If you can't accept responsibility for your own problems, then

I will never meet you eye-to-eye. It's all up to you. If you take your

wrath to the grave with you, that's your choice, not mine. Phew!

I fully expect mother will never come to terms with her problems. I

recognize (I think) that I may still have expectations of complete

reconciliation, and when they are dashed with her death, I hope and pray

that I'll have the strength to accept it for what it is, and not for

what I'd hoped for. Could that be why I tagged along with the kids

during their visit? Was I subconsciously hoping that (just maybe)

mother might want to see me? Was I actually willing to risk bending to

mother again, had she wanted to see me, without requiring her to accept

responsibility for her problems? Scary!!!!

Thanks for listening, and thanks to all of you for sharing your

experiences, which have given me so much to be grateful for, and the

comfort of knowing that I'm not alone with this nightmare anymore.

Best wishes,

Carol