Re: creating healthy friendships

[Guest guest]

Re: my 30+ year friendship, Anon wrote:

> If you feel you are not getting something out of the relationship,

> don't maintain it simply out of fear, obligation, or guilt (FOG) --

> that's what we do with our families too.

There is definitely FOG involved in my feelings about this friendship,

Anon. I'm not sure what the fear is... maybe I'm afraid I would be

making a huge mistake by ending such a longterm friendship, and also

afraid of hurting my friend deeply. It doesn't seem fair of me, given

that I'm the one who has changed, to suddenly end the friendship after

so many years. We were a good " fit " because she is incredibly needy and

self centered, and I am incredibly self sacrificing. Now that I'm

changing, where does that leave her?

The obligation part... hmmm...don't we have an obligation to love and

accept our friends for who they are? It seems selfish for me to end it

just because I'm not getting something out of it. Yet I don't really

understand why I'm *not* getting something out of it and she is. Except

that I'm tired of my old role of always being available to people in

emotional crises. Then again, maybe I have a better memory for those

" crisis " phone calls from my friend, and I'm forgetting that we might

have had better times? She once told me that she missed all the laughing

we used to do. It seems like ages to me that we really had just a fun

conversation with lots of laughs, if ever. Even if there are a few

laughs sprinkled in among the 1-2 hour " therapy " conversations, is it

worth it? (asking myself this, I guess...)

The guilt part... I guess is the same as the obligation part. Sort of

follows that if I have an obligation to accept my friend just the way

she is, then I will feel guilty if I reject her. She had a terribly

cold, self centered, rejecting mother... I don't want to be one more

hurt for her.

I know I sound terribly confused here. I think it's the FOG. I am hoping

that someone on the list can see through whatever it is that I'm hung up

on here. Maybe I need to talk to my friend very honestly about what I am

feeling? How I am changing? Do I tell her that she feels too needy for

me right now? That I am trying to establish healthier relationships

(which will mean I think our friendship is unhealthy)? Should I come up

with a clear idea of what I want to say to her, and then see how she

responds? Maybe if I give her a chance, we can create a healthier

friendship. Why am I afraid to be honest with her?

> If I was feeling short on friends, though, I would look for people

> that go places and do things that I like. For instance, I like yoga,

> so perhaps I would sign up for a yoga class and try to meet people

> there.

I am meeting lots of people in my counseling program at the university.

Interesting though that I am attracting needy people even at the grad

level (and people who are training to become counselors!). People who

want my notes, who ask me how to do this particular paper, citation, how

to do research electronically. I swear there is a neon sign above my

head that says, " SCHMUCK AVAILABLE - USE ME. " I know I play a big part

in developing these particular kinds of relationships, but I'm not sure

how I'm doing it.

I did join a yoga class about two years ago, but I don't have time now.

We are quite rural, and everything takes travel, including my classes at

the university, and all of my daughter's doctors' appointments. I met a

couple of interesting women at the yoga class, and one of them

approached me and another woman and suggested that we exchance phone

numbers and maybe get together for lunch. I thought, " Great! Just what I

want, some women friends with common interests. " But none of us ever

called each other. Maybe they took the next yoga class and again

connected, but I didn't. I was afraid to start a new friendship. Maybe

because they always turn out bad somehow.

> If you are not happy with something in your life, you have to take

> responsibility for it, and try to do right by yourself (even if it

> won't be very easy).

I agree, but I think I missed " How to make healthy friendships 101. " Or

I'm just scared because I've been burned. Isolation is safer, and I am

so busy that I don't really feel lonely. But I would like a couple of

good women friends.

> Try not to get discouraged, too. Close friends are very special, and

> it may take some time to find someone that fits the bill.

Thanks for the encouragement, Anon. I agree, real friends *are* special.

And sometimes, the right person turns up at the right time. I had one

good friend from my former job who never betrayed me. We talked about

almost anything and everything. However, I moved further away, and we

now have such different things going on in our lives. My kids are grown

and I'm working on master's degree, she is home running a daycare and

has two young children. We still exchange Christmas & birthday cards,

but it has been 4 years since we've seen one another. Sometimes I think

about contacting her and seeing if we can reconnect, but there is

something that holds me back even here! We used to have our jobs in

common, now I'm wondering if we would have anything in common at all.

Maybe that doesn't matter.

Sorry this is so long. Sometimes I figure things out as I write, but I

don't think I really have figured this whole friendship thing out yet. I

feel like there is a big mental/emotional block regarding this whole

issue for me, and maybe it's because of all the past betrayals. I just

don't feel safe in personal relationships. I do think, however, that a

30+ year friendship deserves some honesty on my part (however scary) and

a chance to establish healthier dynamics.

Thanks,

Kathy