Re: Okay time to do this?

[Guest guest]

During the time that my son's OCD was " flared up " (4 months of it) -- he did not

want any friends over and if they came over - he would ignore them.  So if you

are in the middle of OCD -- it might not be the best time to introduce her to

something new.  Change during OCD can be hard.

________________________________

To:

Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 8:35:14 PM

Subject: Okay time to do this?

I've mentioned before that my little 7 year old with OCD has had a hard time

making friends. She's had a little girl over to play once last year and has been

over to another little girls house a couple of times this year. Nothing has come

out of either. To be honest neither are children I'd want her to be friends

with.

Anyhow there's a girl at school she really really likes and has wanted to get

together to play with her for sometime now. Tonight my sister in law told me

that she ran in to this girl and her parents at church and spoke to them about

getting together with my daughter sometime and they sounded like they would be

all for it. I am very protective with my children and I have a hard time because

the children in our school just come and go to oneanother's homes without

knowing eachother and I'm not comfortable with that. Well this little girl was

an adopted foster child and from what I'm told her adopted parents are the same

way I am with my children which is kind of nice. But it's this reason that I've

waited to try to get together with the little girl because I wasn't sure what

they'd go for. I mean of course I know my home is safe but they don't and I

totally respect that.

So basically these people realized through my sister in law that they know my

husband who's a deputy and apparently they must feel okay with their child

coming over. So now here are my questions...

I've been reading this book which the name escapes me. Anyhow it is about

helping your child make friends. It says it's best to schedule one on one

playdates for kids who have trouble making friends and it's best to keep these

short to leave the other child wanting more. It also says to do some sort of

activity like have a picnic or go to a movie or have ice cream or something.

This is supposed to sort of entice the child to want to come for the playdate in

the first place. I know it sounds sort of bad but I've read this now in more

than one book on the subject so there must be something to it.

So I'm wondering what the heck should I have the kids do? I don't want to take

them anywhere because I don't know that the Mom would be okay with that.

And my other question which is a biggee is with my daughter's OCD flaring is now

a good time to try to have a friend over? This is so important for my little

girl. I know she's lonely and so needs a friend. I'd just really hate to mess it

up for her if she's not up for it. Then again I suppose she'd let me know if

she's not up for it right? I guess if she seems excited and wants to do it then

it's a good thing for her then?

Sorry for rambling so much. I just worry about my daughter having no friends.

Growing up I was an only child but always had lots of friends so I just don't

know how to handle this. Not to mention when we were kids there was no such

thing as " playdates " . We just ran around the neighborhood and played. Now I

wouldn't even imagine letting my daughter run around the neighborhood.

Any advice?

[Guest guest]

I have always included the moms in the get togethers for my kids-very different

from what the world seems to do, as you described.I do better at " spontaneous "

outings with other people-with the mood swings of OCD,  it just seems easier not

to plan aheadand then figure out how to get out of a situation. Also, I do

better meeting peoplesomewhere else than in my home environment.  What about

getting togetherin a neutral setting like a park or playground? That way if you

have to cancel,the other family can still go. 

Subject: Re: Okay time to do this?

To:

Date: Monday, April 20, 2009, 8:48 PM

During the time that my son's OCD was " flared up " (4 months of it) -- he

did not want any friends over and if they came over - he would ignore them.  So

if you are in the middle of OCD -- it might not be the best time to introduce

her to something new.  Change during OCD can be hard.

____________ _________ _________ __

From: popo9807 <jamijessemchsi (DOT) com>

To: @ yahoogroups. com

Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 8:35:14 PM

Subject: Okay time to do this?

I've mentioned before that my little 7 year old with OCD has had a hard time

making friends. She's had a little girl over to play once last year and has been

over to another little girls house a couple of times this year. Nothing has come

out of either. To be honest neither are children I'd want her to be friends

with.

Anyhow there's a girl at school she really really likes and has wanted to get

together to play with her for sometime now. Tonight my sister in law told me

that she ran in to this girl and her parents at church and spoke to them about

getting together with my daughter sometime and they sounded like they would be

all for it. I am very protective with my children and I have a hard time because

the children in our school just come and go to oneanother's homes without

knowing eachother and I'm not comfortable with that. Well this little girl was

an adopted foster child and from what I'm told her adopted parents are the same

way I am with my children which is kind of nice. But it's this reason that I've

waited to try to get together with the little girl because I wasn't sure what

they'd go for. I mean of course I know my home is safe but they don't and I

totally respect that.

So basically these people realized through my sister in law that they know my

husband who's a deputy and apparently they must feel okay with their child

coming over. So now here are my questions...

I've been reading this book which the name escapes me. Anyhow it is about

helping your child make friends. It says it's best to schedule one on one

playdates for kids who have trouble making friends and it's best to keep these

short to leave the other child wanting more. It also says to do some sort of

activity like have a picnic or go to a movie or have ice cream or something.

This is supposed to sort of entice the child to want to come for the playdate in

the first place. I know it sounds sort of bad but I've read this now in more

than one book on the subject so there must be something to it.

So I'm wondering what the heck should I have the kids do? I don't want to take

them anywhere because I don't know that the Mom would be okay with that.

And my other question which is a biggee is with my daughter's OCD flaring is now

a good time to try to have a friend over? This is so important for my little

girl. I know she's lonely and so needs a friend. I'd just really hate to mess it

up for her if she's not up for it. Then again I suppose she'd let me know if

she's not up for it right? I guess if she seems excited and wants to do it then

it's a good thing for her then?

Sorry for rambling so much. I just worry about my daughter having no friends.

Growing up I was an only child but always had lots of friends so I just don't

know how to handle this. Not to mention when we were kids there was no such

thing as " playdates " . We just ran around the neighborhood and played. Now I

wouldn't even imagine letting my daughter run around the neighborhood.

Any advice?

[Guest guest]

Is the weather nice these days where you live for outside stuff? Does your

daughter like the park or movies or anywhere else to go? You'd want something

your daughter will enjoy too if you do go off. And if that's an option, when

you call the mom to invite the girl, say you'd like her daughter to go with

your's to the park, movie, whatever is available where you live....get something

to eat.... Our city is pretty limited on choices, small.

If at your house, well -- have some recent movie maybe that they could watch as

a choice, if they seem at loose ends, have that ice cream or other treats/foods

(if around lunch or supper, pizza's usually a good choice, pizza and TV/movie to

pass some time; do you have a yard they can go out in? My boys generally either

were inside playing video games, watching TV/movie, on computers together,

sometimes a popular card or board game, just " hanging out " in their room, and

lots of times just outside too. And it seems they did the same at others'

homes, either inside or outside. I think kids generally find things to do,

play, but it's good to have some options in mind if it looks like they're

getting bored (new DVD/movie, some type food/snacks...). In my more active

years, LOL, I'd try to be making chocolate chip cookies or brownies while kids

were over to offer them all when done.

never had any friends either so I know how you feel. My other two

(mostly my oldest) were better with that. generally got invited along

with to others' homes but after a while it tended to be they really

wanted over. just didn't " click " with anyone in particular. Like you,

growing up I just went outside and played, there weren't any playdates. But

like you & me, I think the kids do just tend to know how/what to play like we

did.

I was also pretty protective. If they went to a friends home, I had to know the

parents name, their phone number, their address. And I always found it on a map

too, for " just in case. " It was " scary " to let them go home from school with

someone (when they were older than 7) I hadn't really said more than " hi " to or

maybe not even that!

And so far as the OCD, even held things back until the person was gone.

Well, *I* could still see the OCD and see he was holding it in. (yes, really

burst out when they left, all the compulsions he didn't get to do while they

were there)

Wish I had some solid advice for you, but let us know how things go after the

playdate!

>

> I've mentioned before that my little 7 year old with OCD has had a hard time

making friends. She's had a little girl over to play once last year and has been

over to another little girls house a couple of times this year. Nothing has come

out of either. To be honest neither are children I'd want her to be friends

with.

>

> Anyhow there's a girl at school she really really likes and has

[Guest guest]

************

So I'm wondering what the heck should I have the kids do? I don't want to take

them anywhere because I don't know that the Mom would be okay with that.

************

I am the same way -- I don't allow Kate to go play at a friend's house unless

I've met the parents and the other child. Meeting her school friends is easy

because I've always spent time in the classroom and there is very little

turn-over in her school. Out of 30 kids in her 3rd grade class 27 of them have

been in the same school since Kindergarten (and it's only a two-track school so

I know ALL of the 60 3rd graders).

Anyway, we have a lot of parents in the early grades that are just like you and

I. The way we worked it was to start with playdates where the mothers were also

present. We met at a park for an hour if the weather was nice . . . the kids

(siblings, too) played while we moms chatted and got to know eachother.

In my opinion, movies are a waste of time for " getting to know you " type of

playdates. There is no chance to see how the kids interact . . . truthfully, at

age 7 the girls will mostly want to play. Don't try to arrange anything

serious. Just pick a place and time (only an hour or so) to meet and invite the

mom to stay.

For us it always worked best to have playdates NOT at home due to OCD. Kate is

very uncomfortable with people she doesn't know well in our home. She now is

able to happily invite her best friends over but it took several playdates

elsewhere before that happened.

Places to do this? As I said, a park or playground was ideal. When the weather

didn't cooperate we've made alternate plans at a Mc's playland. Our mall

had a toddler play area that worked for the really little ones (K and below).

We've also done bike rides with families from school . . . walk to the park from

someone's house . . . etc.

Mostly don't get too stressed about this. I've found that if I place Kate

together with one other child (didn't work when we tried two kids) and give them

a couple of shovels & pails or even Beanie Babies then they're off and running.

Have fun meeting the other mom, too! Find out what she likes about church, what

their families hobbies are, etc. We, as a family, now spend time with Kate's

best friend's family . . . they have 4 kids and we've babysat for them, gone

fishing with them, celebrated 4th of July together and hopefully we'll go

camping with them this summer! I even co-coached an Odyssey of the Mind team

with the mother this spring . . . the 7 girls drove us bats but we thorougly

enjoy the time we get to spend together as moms (and dads!).

Those first few akward playdates have really paid off for us! Hope it works out

for you and your daughter as well!

Beth

[Guest guest]

I would love to just meet up at the park but this weekend the weather is going

to be just crap...of course so that's not an option. In our area there really

isn't anythin indoors to do for kids our age so the only thing we really could

do is at our house.

I'm not really worried too much at this point about my daughter's OCD. I think

she's my best indicator and she seems very ready to do this. The thing that

worries me the most is that my little girl gets so overly excited when it comes

to other kids. She so wants to be liked that she gets excited and acts sort of

well, dorky for lack of a better word. She knows this because we've talked about

it before. I know this plays a part in her trouble with making friends. For

instance at school she tries to be funny but she just comes off as weird, stuff

like that. She just tends to come on too strong. So I'm wondering how I can get

her to dial it down a few hundred notches when it comes time to have this little

girl over?? I mean that in a nice way too by the way just in case it didn't

sound like it!

I was thinking that it might be fun for the girls to make May Baskets together

for their class. Chloe and I always make May Baskets and suprise everyone on May

1st and we had planned to do it for her class this year. It would probably be

fun to include this little girl in making them too. We'll be making the

" baskets " out of paper or something and decorating them and filling them with

candy and stuff so I think they'd probably enjoy that. Then when they get handed

out to the class that could be something the girls did together which would be

nice.

As far as mentioning Chloe's anxiety does anyone else think that's a good idea?

I'm afraid that might freak someone out. I know it wouldn't bother me a bit if a

parent informed me of this but I know some people might be put off by it. I'm

thinking I may just keep this to myself for now.

I'm also thinking about maybe having the little girl over for about an hour and

a half. I think they should be able to keep plenty busy for that amount of time.

Time really does go by quickly. Well I don't know maybe just an hour. The thing

is I don't want the girls Mom to think I'm weird by just asking her over for an

hour though. Gosh this sure is difficult! Worse than dating I swear. Then you

add in the OCD and it's really tough.

[Guest guest]

Oh, May baskets sound like fun! Do that in the invitation to come over, tell

the girl's mom that you and Chloe are going to make them and does mom think the

girl would like to come over and help? Sounds like that might take 1.5 to 2

hours?

I know what you mean about " dorky " , trying to be funny, etc. It's good you two

talk about it. Thinking back, probably with each of my sons we had

conversations about things like that, other kids, awkward moments, how to act,

what to say/do....

-- In , " popo9807 " wrote:

>

> I would love to just meet up at the park but this weekend the weather is going

to be just crap...of course so that's not an option. In our area there really

isn't anythin indoors to do for kids our age so the only thing we really could

do is at our house.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I've mentioned before that my little 7 year old with OCD has had a hard time

making friends. She's had a little girl over to play once last year and has been

over to another little girls house a couple of times this year. Nothing has come

out of either. To be honest neither are children I'd want her to be friends

with.

>

> Anyhow there's a girl at school she really really likes and has wanted to get

together to play with her for sometime now. Tonight my sister in law told me

that she ran in to this girl and her parents at church and spoke to them about

getting together with my daughter sometime and they sounded like they would be

all for it. I am very protective with my children and I have a hard time because

the children in our school just come and go to oneanother's homes without

knowing eachother and I'm not comfortable with that. Well this little girl was

an adopted foster child and from what I'm told her adopted parents are the same

way I am with my children which is kind of nice. But it's this reason that I've

waited to try to get together with the little girl because I wasn't sure what

they'd go for. I mean of course I know my home is safe but they don't and I

totally respect that.

>

> So basically these people realized through my sister in law that they know my

husband who's a deputy and apparently they must feel okay with their child

coming over. So now here are my questions...

>

> I've been reading this book which the name escapes me. Anyhow it is about

helping your child make friends. It says it's best to schedule one on one

playdates for kids who have trouble making friends and it's best to keep these

short to leave the other child wanting more. It also says to do some sort of

activity like have a picnic or go to a movie or have ice cream or something.

This is supposed to sort of entice the child to want to come for the playdate in

the first place. I know it sounds sort of bad but I've read this now in more

than one book on the subject so there must be something to it.

>

> So I'm wondering what the heck should I have the kids do? I don't want to take

them anywhere because I don't know that the Mom would be okay with that.

>

> And my other question which is a biggee is with my daughter's OCD flaring is

now a good time to try to have a friend over? This is so important for my little

girl. I know she's lonely and so needs a friend. I'd just really hate to mess it

up for her if she's not up for it. Then again I suppose she'd let me know if

she's not up for it right? I guess if she seems excited and wants to do it then

it's a good thing for her then?

>

> Sorry for rambling so much. I just worry about my daughter having no friends.

Growing up I was an only child but always had lots of friends so I just don't

know how to handle this. Not to mention when we were kids there was no such

thing as " playdates " . We just ran around the neighborhood and played. Now I

wouldn't even imagine letting my daughter run around the neighborhood.

>

> Any advice?

>

Hi! I would definately let her have a friend over.I say this because my son does

have one close friend but has chosen to isolate himself from his peers at

school.(OCD issues)It's important (I think) that other children know what is

going on, not that you have to be extremely open with your situation but kids

need to learn compassion and understanding for one another and not be putting

each other down all the time.When I explained to a mother once what my son was

going through she in turn told her 2 boys and one of the two no longer bullies

my son. It's not that I want them to feel sorry for him but to rather understand

why he reacts to them and says what he says. I'm sure if your child wasn't up

for a playdate she would tell you.

Take Care

Pam

[Guest guest]

I would not mention her anxiety to the mother because you just never know how

she will take it...I speak from experience, unfortunately. My son was friends

with a little boy and I was friends with the Mom for years. My DS was going

through a rough patch with his OCD and ADD a couple years ago, and I thought my

friend would be supportive, so I finally trusted her enough to tell her about

DS's problems. I didn't even go into much detail, and left a lot out...but still

NEVER heard from her again. So, so hurtful.

> As far as mentioning Chloe's anxiety does anyone else think that's a good

idea? I'm afraid that might freak someone out. I know it wouldn't bother me a

bit if a parent informed me of this but I know some people might be put off by

it. I'm thinking I may just keep this to myself for now.