Re: Furious at the moment!! (venting here)

April 8, 2006

Tina alls I can say is your not alone here, my dh was yelling at Mic when he was

sick and I felt like slapping him instead I cried.I was so mad at him and when

Mic had a stomach virus my dh was yelling me to give him ear drops, And I caught

him giving him ear drops..I was so mad at him for not thinking.Steve yells at

Mic alot. I cant stand it.I hate yelling but guess what Steve is the only person

out of school that can make him behave.And Mic idolizes his Dad.Mic is nonverbal

and will probably always be that way and I as a woman agree with you.Steve as a

man may not.As far as leaving kids alone, well we do yard work and leave Mic in

the house I open a window so I can hear him.And I keep checking on him.I dont

think we will ever be able to leave Mic alone sleeping or not.And your right CPS

will be after you.I dont know if my dh is in denial but I do know he wants Mic

to " get better " .In his heart he wants that so bad.I know Mic is not going to

" get better " things are gonna

get harder the older he gets.I think Mic will grow and learn and but not " get

better " .Maybe its a man thing. Laurie

April 8, 2006

Tina, You are right and not because I am a mother my husband fells

the same way. Do not ever leave that child a lone.What if he catches

the house on fire, falls out a window, or figures out how to get out

of the house? Females do have more common sense then men for sure.

No offense to the smart men in our group.And as for teaching the

child to not forget his coat by letting him freeze.That's like

kicking a dog because he tinkled on the floor the dog would not

understand why you kicked him and neither will the child.My son will

only get his coat when he wants to go bye bye, but if the aids at

school do not make sure he has his coat he will come home without

it.AS for the ballon try to get your child focused on something else

when he gets upset. Does he have a communication book? Cyndi

>

> DH and I had a conversation last night about , and I'm

still angry. The other day took a helium filled balloon

outside and let it go. He ran into the house crying, " What

happened? " I saw the balloon and told him that I couldn't get it

back. He cried, screamed, sobbed, etc. I just let him cry and then

said that I had another balloon in the house, did he want that? He

said, yeah.

>

> Yesterday DH said that he wasn't sure how he felt about me doing

that. He wants to learn to handle his disappointments on his

own.

>

> Okay, I understand that. Does that mean I shouldn't have given him

the replacement balloon? That I should have let him cry? DH thinks I

probably shouldn't have done it as fast as I did.

>

> We discussed the subject of taking responsibility, and as

a hypothetical situation, I said, suppose comes home without

his jacket because someone took it from him?

>

> DH said, we could talk about it and ask him, what do you think you

should do about it?

>

> That would be fine--IF Matthe had the verbal skills to do

something like that.

>

> DH asked, what was the goal, to get the jacket back? I said, yes;

and he said, no; it was to teach to be responsible.

>

> One thing led to another and he said that if kept losing

jackets (again, speaking hypothetically) we shouldn't replace them.

>

> Then I said--and this may have been a mistake on my part-- " Okay,

it's 20 below, we send him to school without a jacket, and two

things will probably happen: I get a phone call from the teacher

asking where's his jacket, and two--depending on the teacher--we

could get reported for child abuse because they are OBLIGATED to

report any suspicion of abuse. "

>

> That sent DH over the edge, he said that I was good at bringing

out extremes which left him in a position that no matter what he

said, he couldn't win; so what were we supposed to do--keep buying

jackets? Have his wife keep buying him jackets??

>

> I told DH that I didn't know how to teach him responsibility.

There is a long list of things I don't know how to teach :

how to give himself a bath, how to make up his own bed when it's

been stripped; how to brush his teeth and rinse out his mouth, how

to manipulate buttons, how to teach him that dancing and doing his

Wiggles routines in the middle of Dollar General or Wal-Mart is not

necessarily appropriate, and yes, how to be responsible for his own

things.

>

> What I don't think DH gets is that MATTHEW DOES NOT HAVE THE

VERBAL SKILLS RIGHT NOW TO TELL US WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS LIFE!!!!!

And he may NEVER have the verbal skills to tell us. When he comes

home without a jacket, he can't tell us where it is or what he might

have done with it. Several months ago, he came home without his

bookbag. He even climbed over the fence that day and I think it was

to go back to school and get the bookbag! I couldn't ask him where

it was or what happened to it because he couldn't tell me.

>

> That day, DH was convinced that was in the house

someplace. *I* was the one who finally got in the car and went

looking for him.

>

> DH is also the same person who, quite some time ago, wanted to

know why I couldn't leave alone in the house while

was asleep. I said, what happens if he wakes up and needs me and I'm

not there? Also, what if something happens to me while I'm out of

the house? In addition, it is ILLEGAL to leave a child under a

certain age home alone.

>

> Some time later, DH DID leave alone in the house while

was asleep in order to go get himself some dinner. (He drove

up to Burger King and went through the drive-through.) I would

never have found out about it if I hadn't asked, what did you get

for ? I was furious. And rightfully so, I think!!!

>

> I don't think DH gets it sometimes. I think he thinks that

something is going to happen and will be a " normal " kid who

goes out, goes to college, gets married, has a family, etc. DH

suggested asking other parents who have been reasonably successful

in raising kids what we could do. My one problem with that is that

NONE OF THOSE PARENTS HAVE A CHILD WITH AUTISM!!!! What worked for

those kids may not work with !!!

>

> Our county's support group meets once a month, and it's where you

sit and listen to a guest speaker. The only time you can talk to a

parent is either before or after a meeting. I would rather be part

of a group of about 4-5 people where you can sit down and talk about

the frustrations you deal with and maybe get some suggestions on how

to deal with them. I even suggested to two people at my church that

we should start a support group like that and NO ONE EVER GOT BACK

TO ME!!! They're willing to do stuff like that for cancer survivors,

or start a tutoring program for kids in need in the community, but

what about parents like me who don't get a break from the day in,

day out routine?

>

> I honestly think sometimes that DH really does think he knows

everything. And that is the attitude that really gets on my nerves

at times. He has a habit of declaring, this is it, this is how it

is; and I get afraid to challenge him on that attitude. My own

mother made a sarcastic remark a while back about how DH knew

everything. I actually think she has a point. I think it's that

attitude that makes it difficult for her and DH to get along. My

mother does have her problems, but I also think DH contributes to

it.

>

> I don't know how to let go of this anger. I really don't.

>

> And while I've been typing this, 's been up here playing

Wheel of Fortune and keeping up a running dialogue. Complete with

sound effects. Which drive me crazy!!!

>

> Tina

>

> Tina

>

> I love someone with autism . . . April is Autism Awareness Month.

>

April 9, 2006

<<Tina, You are right and not because I am a mother my husband fells the same

way. Do not ever leave that child a lone.What if he catches the house on fire,

falls out a window, or figures out how to get out of the house? Females do have

more common sense then men for sure. >>

My concern in that particular case was, what happens if wakes up and no

one's there? And that's not even taking into account that something could

happen while I was out. DH hasn't left ever since I told him that that

was NOT wise; I'm just not sure if he understands WHY it's not wise, not to

mention illegal!

<<And as for teaching the child to not forget his coat by letting him

freeze.That's like kicking a dog because he tinkled on the floor the dog would

not understand why you kicked him and neither will the child.My son will only

get his coat when he wants to go bye bye, but if the aids at school do not make

sure he has his coat he will come home without it.>>

Precisely. I don't think has the capability to understand, " you lose

your jacket, you freeze. " We had a time back in November/December where

was coming home without his jacket and the driver was saying, he left it at

school; the teachers were saying, he left it on the bus.

The worst thing that happened was when left his BOOKBAG at school. He

kept saying, " Bookbag? Bookbag? Where is the bookbag? " and even climbed over

our backyard fence--I am convinced--in order to go back to school and get it! I

found him about a block away from the house. The next day, I called the people

in charge of school transportation. They referred me to someone who wasn't in

the office. Not only was the person not in the office, their voice mail was

FULL so I was unable to leave a message! It turned out that had left

his bookbag at school and he came home with it the next day.

Tina

I love someone with autism . . . April is Autism Awareness Month.

April 9, 2006

In a message dated 4/9/2006 5:43:17 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

marianchen@... writes:

I wish we were both in the trenches fighting together. It gets lonely

fighting the world by yourself. But sometimes, it is useful to have someone

there

to give you perspective on the world outside of special needs.

I don't have a husband so I can be way off base here, but I wonder if

sometimes we mothers actually make it hard for anyone else to help us? I read

how

'we' mothers know our kids better than 'anyone' I see how 'we' mothers band

together when one of us has a complaint about their husbands, I see a few

talk about how their husbands do a good job at this but not at that and then I

see a few postings where it seems to be 50/50. Being a single parent, I have

come to learn that while I may know my daughter the best in most ways, I'm

not always the best when it comes to dealing with certain things and I have

also found out that it doesn't matter if I do know her the best, sometimes it

takes someone outside of the situation to see what is really needed. Just

because we may know them the best doesn't not always translate that we always

have the best answers. Like I said, I don't have a DH to compare to, but I

know that if I felt that no matter what I did, I just didn't understand, or I

couldn't do it as good as someone else then I'd probably not do any more than I

had to. Why is it that people think Dad's just can't understand? Is it

because they are men? I wonder? or is it because we feel as mothers we are

supposed to be better and strong and carry the weight of the world on our

shoulders and that no one but another mom would understand? All I know is that

I

sure wish there was someone there helping me to make decisions and to turn to

when I'm scared out of my mind or when things get so rough you feel like you

could just burst. I'd take a not so perfect DH in a heart beat just because

it sure beats being the only one there for my child. At then end of the day

at least you have someone to talk to or even fuss at or blame or just cuddle

up to and that isn't a small thing, believe me. :-)

Carol

Trishasmom

She isn't Typical, She's Trisha!

April 9, 2006

In a message dated 4/9/2006 7:50:00 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

marianchen@... writes:

would like to have a partner that understands all the issues with special

needs so that I am not doing it on my own. In the same light, I suppose, he

would like to have a partner that understands his stresses at work.

The sad part is sometimes we don't always realize just how much help our

partners do give us until we lose them. Even as a single mom I couldn't make

it

without the help of my son and yes even the help I get from her waiver

program and this list has helped me more than I can count. Sometime we don't

always get what we think we need from any of our helpers but when you sit right

down and think about it, none of us are totally alone, it just feels like we

are sometimes. While it's true no one on this list can make decisions for me

it's good to know that when I need someone to talk to, I can send out an

email to the group and someone will respond. :-)

Carol

Trishasmom

She isn't Typical, She's Trisha!

April 9, 2006

In a message dated 4/9/2006 8:05:25 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

gldcst@... writes:

really believe I would have lost jamie without a husband around and without

her (and him) life just wouldn't be living.

No you wouldn't have lost , you'd find a way to survive that is what we

all do. You'd do it because there is no other choice, like you said you

can't imagine life without your loved ones. There are times like yesterday and

today when she has reverted back to her old ways of smearing poop all over

that I think I just can't take it any more but I clean up the poop, fussing and

crying and by the time I'm finished, while I " m still upset, I learned that

I made it through yet again when I thought I couldn't. It's not about

devotion or strength, it's just something you have to do and you do it over and

over and sometimes you cry but in the end you know you will continue to do it

as

long as God gives you the strength to do so. Unfortunately I have a good

smeller so poop is one area that really causes me the most discomfort when

having to deal with it and 14 years is a long time and I do tend to get whiney

when I have to deal with it again especially since she was doing so great with

that part of the toileting and then these last two days she for some reason

decided to see just how much of the bathroom and herself she could smear with

it. I heave and gag so much just trying to clean it up. In this day and age

you would think someone could invent a way so that poop didn't smell so bad!

lol

Carol

Trishasmom

She isn't Typical, She's Trisha!

April 9, 2006

Tina,

I think as mothers, we are right there with our child and their disability day

in, day out, every minute and every second. Husbands who work, or even if they

don't, they are not right in the trenches like we are. We take it all on and it

infuses us, overwhelms us, it becomes our being. It is much easier to be

removed, remote and not immersed. They don't have to " deal " . How much of the

day are they able to or allowed to " escape " from the world of disability.

Being immersed has its good and bad. It is good that we know our child so

much more than anyone else. It is bad that sometimes, because we wear so many

hats, that we loose perspective- what the global picture is- what the world is

like outside the trenches. When my husband tells me things that I KNOW is

ridiculous because he does not have the understanding or experience that comes

with being in the trenches, I have learned to ignore him. In the past, I have

tried to impart what I know, but the level of understanding is just not the

same. Sometimes, he will say a thing or two- especially if I'm feeling really

lost, that will make me think twice. As someone who is somewhat " outside "

looking in- he can see the big picture more clearly than I.

I wish we were both in the trenches fighting together. It gets lonely

fighting the world by yourself. But sometimes, it is useful to have someone

there to give you perspective on the world outside of special needs.

anit631@... wrote:

DH and I had a conversation last night about , and I'm still angry. The

other day took a helium filled balloon outside and let it go. He ran

into the house crying, " What happened? " I saw the balloon and told him that I

couldn't get it back. He cried, screamed, sobbed, etc. I just let him cry and

then said that I had another balloon in the house, did he want that? He said,

yeah.

Yesterday DH said that he wasn't sure how he felt about me doing that. He wants

to learn to handle his disappointments on his own.

Okay, I understand that. Does that mean I shouldn't have given him the

replacement balloon? That I should have let him cry? DH thinks I probably

shouldn't have done it as fast as I did.

We discussed the subject of taking responsibility, and as a hypothetical

situation, I said, suppose comes home without his jacket because someone

took it from him?

DH said, we could talk about it and ask him, what do you think you should do

about it?

That would be fine--IF Matthe had the verbal skills to do something like that.

DH asked, what was the goal, to get the jacket back? I said, yes; and he said,

no; it was to teach to be responsible.

One thing led to another and he said that if kept losing jackets (again,

speaking hypothetically) we shouldn't replace them.

Then I said--and this may have been a mistake on my part-- " Okay, it's 20 below,

we send him to school without a jacket, and two things will probably happen: I

get a phone call from the teacher asking where's his jacket, and two--depending

on the teacher--we could get reported for child abuse because they are OBLIGATED

to report any suspicion of abuse. "

That sent DH over the edge, he said that I was good at bringing out extremes

which left him in a position that no matter what he said, he couldn't win; so

what were we supposed to do--keep buying jackets? Have his wife keep buying him

jackets??

I told DH that I didn't know how to teach him responsibility. There is a long

list of things I don't know how to teach : how to give himself a bath,

how to make up his own bed when it's been stripped; how to brush his teeth and

rinse out his mouth, how to manipulate buttons, how to teach him that dancing

and doing his Wiggles routines in the middle of Dollar General or Wal-Mart is

not necessarily appropriate, and yes, how to be responsible for his own things.

What I don't think DH gets is that MATTHEW DOES NOT HAVE THE VERBAL SKILLS RIGHT

NOW TO TELL US WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS LIFE!!!!! And he may NEVER have the

verbal skills to tell us. When he comes home without a jacket, he can't tell us

where it is or what he might have done with it. Several months ago, he came home

without his bookbag. He even climbed over the fence that day and I think it was

to go back to school and get the bookbag! I couldn't ask him where it was or

what happened to it because he couldn't tell me.

That day, DH was convinced that was in the house someplace. *I* was the

one who finally got in the car and went looking for him.

DH is also the same person who, quite some time ago, wanted to know why I

couldn't leave alone in the house while was asleep. I said, what

happens if he wakes up and needs me and I'm not there? Also, what if something

happens to me while I'm out of the house? In addition, it is ILLEGAL to leave a

child under a certain age home alone.

Some time later, DH DID leave alone in the house while was

asleep in order to go get himself some dinner. (He drove up to Burger King and

went through the drive-through.) I would never have found out about it if I

hadn't asked, what did you get for ? I was furious. And rightfully so, I

think!!!

I don't think DH gets it sometimes. I think he thinks that something is going to

happen and will be a " normal " kid who goes out, goes to college, gets

married, has a family, etc. DH suggested asking other parents who have been

reasonably successful in raising kids what we could do. My one problem with that

is that NONE OF THOSE PARENTS HAVE A CHILD WITH AUTISM!!!! What worked for those

kids may not work with !!!

Our county's support group meets once a month, and it's where you sit and listen

to a guest speaker. The only time you can talk to a parent is either before or

after a meeting. I would rather be part of a group of about 4-5 people where you

can sit down and talk about the frustrations you deal with and maybe get some

suggestions on how to deal with them. I even suggested to two people at my

church that we should start a support group like that and NO ONE EVER GOT BACK

TO ME!!! They're willing to do stuff like that for cancer survivors, or start a

tutoring program for kids in need in the community, but what about parents like

me who don't get a break from the day in, day out routine?

I honestly think sometimes that DH really does think he knows everything. And

that is the attitude that really gets on my nerves at times. He has a habit of

declaring, this is it, this is how it is; and I get afraid to challenge him on

that attitude. My own mother made a sarcastic remark a while back about how DH

knew everything. I actually think she has a point. I think it's that attitude

that makes it difficult for her and DH to get along. My mother does have her

problems, but I also think DH contributes to it.

I don't know how to let go of this anger. I really don't.

And while I've been typing this, 's been up here playing Wheel of Fortune

and keeping up a running dialogue. Complete with sound effects. Which drive me

crazy!!!

Tina

I love someone with autism . . . April is Autism Awareness Month.

--------------------------------------------------

Checkout our homepage for information, bookmarks, and photos of our

kids. Share favorite bookmarks, ideas, and other information by including them.

Don't forget, messages are a permanent record of the archives for our list.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/

--------------------------------------------

April 9, 2006

Wow carol, what a powerful post!

<<Like I said, I don't have a DH to compare to, but I

know that if I felt that no matter what I did, I just didn't understand, or I

couldn't do it as good as someone else then I'd probably not do any more than I

had to.>>

yeah, that's just basic behavioral science.

<<Why is it that people think Dad's just can't understand? Is it

because they are men? I wonder? >>

Well after having to read " men are from mars and women are from venus " when jim

and i were having a rough patch and going thru counseling, I was really

surprised to learn that they are just different. Not better or worse, just

different. Usually more capable of linear thinking and not so good at

multitasking like women. taking care of kids is a definite multitasking job. I

remember how upset dh got the first few times he couldn't complete an activity

he had set out to do because the baby had to be fed or bathed or whatever. he

felt compelled to finish the first task before taking on another. It was very

hard for him.

Then again alot of books said it's great for kids to have both cause men are

usually more willing to do risky fun things than mom is. Like the giant wooden

rollercoaster dh takes her on and makes me sick just to watch.

<<or is it because we feel as mothers we are

supposed to be better and strong and carry the weight of the world on our

shoulders and that no one but another mom would understand?>>

I did for a long time. he was always busy working but still I felt I could do

everything better and I did do everything. Things have changed so much since i

got sick. I could never handle it without him and I was wrong to try for ao many

years.

<< All I know is that I

sure wish there was someone there helping me to make decisions and to turn to

when I'm scared out of my mind or when things get so rough you feel like you

could just burst. I'd take a not so perfect DH in a heart beat just because

it sure beats being the only one there for my child. At then end of the day

at least you have someone to talk to or even fuss at or blame or just cuddle

up to and that isn't a small thing, believe me. :-) >>

Oooooh You're making me cry here. Stop it. I wish there was someone there with

you too.

I only know how desperate and crazy I get when I'm left alone as the sole

caretaker when dh is off on these trips like he's leaving for tomorrow. Every

time he goes (which is alot) I get so anxious thinking something may happen to

him and he won't be back and believe me I thank God every single night for a

husband who loves me and adores our daughter no matter how much of a jerk he can

be at times, and someone who loves me in spite of my continued jerkiness. It

sure isn't a small thing, Carol- it's a blessing beyond belief. I have no idea

how you and other single moms do it. I really believe I would have lost jamie

without a husband around and without her (and him) life just wouldn't be living.

I so admire your strength and devotion

(not to mention your computer skills :-) I'll keep my eye out for a younger fat

millionaire for you too, I promise.

Sherry

Carol

Trishasmom

She isn't Typical, She's Trisha!

April 9, 2006

Carol,

I have always said to my husband- that I am only able to concentrate on being

a mom and do all that I do for my children because he takes care of all else.

By no means does his role as a father in that capacity less important than my

role as a mother. I would like to have a partner that understands all the

issues with special needs so that I am not doing it on my own. In the same

light, I suppose, he would like to have a partner that understands his stresses

at work.

Csvillars@... wrote: