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To my email friends

I am impressed that you have tried, and that you are seeking

what to do. I know others would give up. This is going to be

especially true if she really is AS. Very frustrating at times.

Women were told even a decade ago that we are not supposed

to be angry. If you are hurt, you should be going to her before the son

goes down, and not let a " root of bitterness " rise up. It is

fine to have strong feelings toward what she has done- you are a fine woman

anyway. I never bought into this, but my friend, after hollaring at me

angrily (and she was yelling!, though you are not), insisted that she was not

angry, but only frustrated. If you can tell her what happened, then

you can be freer of it faster- and in my eyes at least, you will be a fine

woman anyway. I think it is great that you are seeking the answer to this

in the first place, and not quitting. She

has apologized and wants it to be back the same as it was. She had a “bond”

with me and I am in a situation that I do not have an answer to.

I think you should tell her, as I said, by asking her to

take a look at that quiz (see my other post). Does she feel that you do

not want her to contact you outside of church? So, I should mention this to her and what I have found out

(my observance but I believe I am correct) regarding AS and how some of her

behaviors are in sync with AS? She wants me to be the same like it was

before. She used to contact me every three days and let me know what was

happening in her life. She would email me little sayings and ecards.

In fact, I received one on Friday and said that she thinks of me often.

This sounds all too familiar as it is almost verbatim when I have said things

to her in the past. It is a “mimic” thing again and what do I

do with that?

Also, not making excuses for her, but it can be overwhelming

to keep a schedule and make social connections within a timeframe- learning

about AS has helped me with this, because the knowledge itself gave me

power. Plus, i have been praying about it, asking for help. She may

have meant to contact you, but ran out of time, in not being able to get

everything done. She may hot have realized timeframes to do certain

things, and gotten into trouble that way- not meaning to dis you at all, but

completely missing the boat. Knowing about AS could help with that.

Also, if you gently tell her the rule, it could help, too. I KNOW she gets frustrated and overwhelmed and I’m

sure this doesn’t help. I have to set healthy boundaries for

myself. (Just learned this and am VERY MUCH trying to apply it. It

seems odd K) She has a hard time

concentrating.

She will not get it if you say, " I really like ___ but

I would not do it " , that it is a warning not to do it- you will have

to be a bit more blunt, and say, " There could be a hidden pitfall, and

though I am enthusiastic in general, and like that you trtied it, I think you

may need to check on _____ to make sure ______ does not happen " , for

example.

AS is never an excuse to be mean, but one thing I will tell

you, AS folk rarely want to be mean, in my experience. Of all the AS I

know, only a handful have any passive-aggressive streak to them, and it is easy

to spot. (We are terrible at hiding our feelings!) I am not

that way, and hatge the idea. My one friend who is that way always

explains it afterwards anyway, and there is never any confusion- and she does

not stay mad more than 15 minutes. I am

the only one who hugs her. She now wants this but I haven’t been

receptive as I am not sure if she understands why. I learned in my Psy

class that women are huggers and nurturers. Has she learned this and now

needs/wants it??

I feel badly for you that your friend does not even realize

how hurt you are, and thinks it is no big deal. She understands and has since said she was sorry but it is me

that cannot or will not experience this again. It crushed me and I am

just getting over the emotional side of it. Unfortunately, I see her at church, at ball

games since we live in a very small town. She feels the distance as I do

not sit with her at the games and do not interact with her at all in church.

Much different now than before.

I feel like I am acting like a child by

not talking to her but I have to keep a distance, at least for now.

Irionically, this is how her kids handle her?? If she understood, carefully, that you are

hurt, she would not think that. We are weak at perceiving how others

feel, but we do care, a lot. At least, I do.

Even though AS explains her actions or might, she still

could grow, and with verbal communication, she will. In an emotional

context, about 73% of communication is nonverbal, about 20% is verbal but

related to tone of voice, and only about 7% is content. She is getting

perhaps only that 7%. Translating the nonverbal part into content can

really help her do better. It works well for me, and I have started

looking for other things, too- like the nonvberbal part. It means more to

me every day.

MJ

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