Guest guest Posted September 13, 2008 Report Share Posted September 13, 2008 Hi Jim No one can tell you how you should feel as you are the one feeling those feelings, and being told not to feel sorry for her will not stop those feelings. When i had to explain to family members and friends about my son being diagnosed with AS the reaction was always the same, and i quote "ah you wouldn't think it would you, he looks normal, aw i feel so sorry for him" and my reply was/is always "he is BLOODY NORMAL, what makes him abnormal is people like you who have no sense to know that what you have just said is inappropriate and pure bloody ignorance, think before you speak". I will not allow anyone near my son if all they can offer him is pity, he needs acceptance, real friends, and common courtesy, i have never felt sorry for him and i gave birth to him! he is who he is and i wouldn't have him be anything else. He is happy, healthy, loved, good looking(very good looking), has an athletic body cause he looks after himself(with guidance) where as most teenagers his age (13) gorge on junk food, he has many, many friends his age who actually look up to him and his knowledge of the world (he loves geography) and who are always floored by his knowledge of trains (his obsession). He still has the odd rage, gets frustrated very quickly, just can not make a decision to save his life, often punches his head trying to get the Autism out, but really what is there to feel sorry for him for? i often have melt downs too, i get frustrated quicker than anyone, i'm always ooh-ing and ahh-ing over what decision to make, often feel like i'm banging my head up a brick wall, so really we are more alike than you think. The real difference to me is we both can take in the same information but process it differently, i can recall that information very soon after, Adam will only recall that same information when he is required too even if it's 10 years down the line, we have had many disputes over me saying 'xyz' happened and he would argue NO then weeks later tell me "ah i remember now yes you were right"!!! i don't want to be right, i want him to be him, period. Jim if it's all perfectly normal to your wife, you will soon pick up and learn what is too, don't beat yourself up, try not to feel sorry for her if you can help it, and listen and learn instead, she's not feeling sorry for herself is she? I have learnt more about my husband Gilroy these past few days than i have in the 21 years before this, i know our future now, it's gonna be great, he is reacting to my moods for definite, i'm happy and he is going about his business singing his head off just like he always used to. Thank God for this group and the people here, i can't begin to tell you how you have basically saved my marriage. Elaine feelings I feel sad, even devestated. What about my AS wife. Should I feel sorry for her? It's all perfectly "normal" to her. Jim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 Reading your comments Usarian, it struck me how different we all are. How very opposite in our approaches to life, parenting etc. I teach my children the exact opposite of not paying attention to their feelings! I understand feelings to be a vehicle for - not an obstacle to - understanding the truth of the world and those around us. I teach my children to listen to their feelings, respect them and learn how to interpret them in a way that respects other people's feelings and helps them achieve what they want to achieve in life (or the playground!). I hope that by doing this, when they are adults they won't hurt people's feelings and when their feelings are hurt, they will be able to deal with this in a mature and responsible way. I try to be a good role model for this too. I teach my children that until they understand and can verbalise, or represent (maybe draw) what they are feeling, until the feeling is acknowledged and 'dealt with' appropriately, the feeling will keep coming back because it is a need that has not been addressed. I teach my children never to ignore their feelings or those of others as our feelings are our primal instinct for keeping us safe. I try never to ignore my feelings or theirs. I guess we all have the best of reasons for doing what we do... Best wishes Delyth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2009 Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 Usarian here (AS, 33), my wife uses the same email, and if she has time she may also respond from this same email address. My opinion, I think the best peice of information he could get about AS to lead him to thinking that he is AS is his daughter getting diagnosed with it and the statement made by the diagnostician that she got it from somewhere. An AS person will think of many of the things that make them AS as good.. like my aversion to silly emotions in my children and the ability to analyze around things in a way that others descibe as " thinking outside of the box " . I, personally, think the second best thing you could put in front of him is some of the conversations in this forum. Usarian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2009 Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 Usarian here.. There is so much in ther that I want to respond to, but I just can't, but I wanted to say that I loved what you wrote (even if I *am* compelled to argue with it) and the way you wrote it. In a nutshell.. we AS have, feel, and express emotions, but nobody ever gets it.. no one gets it when we're being funny or being sarcastic or being snuggly or anything else. Every expression of emotion is slapped down with someone being offended. We try, some succeed in learning to translate ourselves, but it gets old, and frustrating to always be the one in the wrong, to always be the one who something's wrong with and has to change. It's easier sometimes just to turn it all off, or lash back at the universe and insist that we're NOT wrong THIS time. I know with my wife, I don't want to apologize all the time when I offend her.. I don't mean to offend her, she knows I don't mean to offend her, when she offends me because I interpret something in a way she didn't intend it to be interpreted, I step back, delay the feeling and try to clarify (unless I'm mad and looking for a reason to be offended), why shouldn't I expect the same treatment? But I can't. That's just what ! it is to be AS. Ugh.. I did it anyway.. Welp, I don't have time to reread and change any wording, so I can either send it and clear things up later, or delete it.. I'll send it.. I don't think there's anything offendable in there.. > I have to agree w/e and Delyth. I am a retired nurse, > mother > and wife. I also am a pet owner. I am NT and so is my mother. She > belongs to MENSA. I was on honor roll in school and I am NT. My > husband was on honor roll in school and he is AS. I may be wrong, > but > I often get the message that some AS try to promote is that it is > superior and more intellectual to be AS. That just isn't so. My > understanding of this website is to promote appreciation, > tolerance > and acceptance and offer support. It is widely understood and > accepted > that those on the autistic range are perceived as having an > emotional > disconnection from others. I think any NT who lives w/AS or other > individual on the autistic spectrum would agree. That does not > make > one better than the other, but when an emotional interaction is > required it can be a challenge to both parties. If someone wants to > be > better understood then I think the first step is to try and better > understand the other. Wouldn't that be more unconditional? My > husband > has all the emotions and feelings I do even though he is AS. If > any > one has ever watched the TV show Monk then my experience is like > that > of his assistant . She is always catering to Monk's > feelings > and emotional responses, but he never considers hers and if she > voices > any he has a tendency to down play them or fell threatened by them. > > We have all heard of the story of the orphaned babies being fed, > bathed and changed but not held or loved. They died. I have dogs > and > they communicate through feelings. They whine, smile, dance, bark > and > wag tails and droop ears to let the other one and us humans know > how > they feel. I'm about to turn 50 and through my experience I have > come > to think of dogs as just about the most superior creatures on > earth > next to children. They are completely unconditional. Although they > will always choose to hang w/an eater as opposed to a non eater. > We > have all been created for a purpose. The world needs all of us and > we > need each other. I have been married for over twenty years and for > me > as an NT being married to an AS has been a very lonely journey. On > the > other hand I have never spent a dime on car, computer or home > repair. > I am a very warm, touchy-feely, passionate person and though my > husband is AS feelings and emotions must appeal to him to have > chosen > me to marry. Some might ask why I was attracted to a less > emotional > partner. When we were dating he was very cuddly and attentive. He > was > the most romantic man I ever dated. He is nothing like that now. > Too > bad. I think everyone has emotions and feelings. The joy of the > birth > of a child, happiness over a promotion, pain and sorrow over the > loss > of a parent etc. The key is sharing the emotion and feeling w/a > spouse, a sibling or a co-worker. Piglet once told Pooh it is so > much > friendlier w/two. How dull life would be w/out emotion. > > Karmyn, TX > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 e,I would love it if you were married to me, and helped me to articulate mine. Often, I can define them in words, but do not have gthe name for them- or I feel several things at once, and it takes me an effort to separate them- or I have a bit of confusion in why you do not feel the same things that I do, given the same situation- and I would learn about you better if you say more. We are both women- so do not take this literally- but one day, I may marry an NT man (at least that appears to be the probability, given the rarity of AS folk!), and if I do, I hope he says a lot about feelings to me.To make this easier for us AS, sprinkle your discussion with more facts, to anchor it in place. (At least, this is a real help to me.), definitely ASSubject: Re: FeelingsTo: aspires-relationships Date: Thursday, January 8, 2009, 8:20 AM I agree with you on this. It has been a source of contention in our marriage because I always listen to how my kids feel and encourage them to be able to express what those feelings are. That does not mean that I allow them to use emotions for bad behavior but I think it is important that kids be able to identify what they are feeling so that we can work through the real problem. This drives Usarian nuts but as it is one of my core values I'm not changing. He understands that. e, right there with you From: Delyth Bolt Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 2:34 AM To: aspires-relationshi ps@ya hoogroups.com Subject: [aspires-relationsh ips] Feelings Reading your comments Usarian, it struck me how different we all are. How very opposite in our approaches to life, parenting etc.I teach my children the exact opposite of not paying attention to their feelings!I understand feelings to be a vehicle for - not an obstacle to - understanding the truth of the world and those around us.I teach my children to listen to their feelings, respect them and learn how to interpret them in a way that respects other people's feelings and helps them achieve what they want to achieve in life (or the playground!) . I hope that by doing this, when they are adults they won't hurt people's feelings and when their feelings are hurt, they will be able to deal with this in a mature and responsible way. I try to be a good role model for this too.I teach my children that until they understand and can verbalise, or represent (maybe draw) what they are feeling, until the feeling is acknowledged and 'dealt with' appropriately, the feeling will keep coming back because it is a need that has not been addressed.I teach my children never to ignore their feelings or those of others as our feelings are our primal instinct for keeping us safe.I try never to ignore my feelings or theirs.I guess we all have the best of reasons for doing what we do...Best wishesDelyth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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