Guest guest Posted June 3, 2004 Report Share Posted June 3, 2004 For years I have talked aboout my daughter, the ped. OT who became an OT because of her beloved little brother (adopted when she was 16). Now I need some help. Friends: I need suggestions. Five years ago while visiting relatives, Elie was holding a new cousin about 2 months old. HE held the baby safely but closely. The mother paniced and thus scared Elie who did not release the baby. This has been a cause celeb in the family for 5 years. The baby was not hurt in any way. Elie did nothing inappropriate except to give a paniced adult the baby. Fast forward 5 years. Beloved big sister is expecting her first baby in August. She has informed her father (no mention to me) that Elie is NOT welcome to come to her house when the baby is born as her husband is afraid he would hurt the new baby. I have not opened the issue with my daughter because I tend to be very verbal (I bet you guys didn't know that) and do not want a rift with my daughter. My thinking at this point is it won't be an issue, cause I am not going there if my son is not welcome. On the other hand, it is their first child after 9 years of marriage (their choice), her husband has the mind of an engineer and evaluates all sides of an issue always and figures risks on everything. And the worst of this is my husband agrees that there is a slight risk and they have every right and obligation to protect their newborn. Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. _________________________________________________________________ Looking to buy a house? Get informed with the Home Buying Guide from MSN House & Home. http://coldwellbanker.msn.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2004 Report Share Posted June 4, 2004 In a message dated 6/3/2004 10:16:45 PM Eastern Daylight Time, pastmidvale@... writes: > She has informed her father (no mention to me) that Elie is NOT > welcome to come to her house when the baby is born as her husband is afraid > he would hurt the new baby. > Hi Sara, Did your daughter and husband forget about all the babies that you have taken care of in your home? I would have reminded him that those babies were around Elie and very safe. I remember how much Elie loves to sit in the rocking chair with a baby. I fight the blame game with Zeb and my daughter constantly over her baby. I am sick and tired of it and chose to stay away. Charlyne Mom to Zeb 11 DS/OCD/ASD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2004 Report Share Posted June 4, 2004 Hi Sara, Just hugs to you on your family issues and congratulations on your future grandbaby. How heartbreaking this is when it involves your own. Yes, it is their right to protect their baby but terrible that Uncle Elie will not be able to share these precious moments on welcoming his future nephew or neice. Not to sound mean and heaven forbid but they better pray that their baby is born healthy and may they find some Faith and accept Elie in the picture as he has feelings, too. Who says Elie has to hold baby when the time has arrived y'all already experienced a relatives reaction when he carries a baby, this I'm pretty sure you'll supervise him knowing how they feel. By now they should understand how to have learned to cope interacting with Elie. Since your daughter only spoke to her father about this and for this not to become an issue and you not going to welcome your future grandbaby because Elie is not welcome I would still pretend to avoid what was said among them and pretend to act like nothing which I know will be hard emotionally and take Elie for a brief visit only not let him hold baby and slowly have them adapt having him around because obviously the baby and Elie are part of the family and this would cause some awkward moments on future family reunions which you will not want. It is better now to deal with this because if your son-in-law is already overprotected when the baby is not even born yet, you can imagine as baby is growing up. I was worried about this when my future grandbaby was born but has actually done great, going on 6 mos. Your daughter is going to need you when baby is born. She obviously respects you and did not want to hurt your feelings or she would of confronted you with her concerns. Blood is thicker than water and yes must respect their decisions but this is a sibling issue when it involves a person with special needs and something you have control over to make a statement that they better get use having you around when Elie is with you and Elie not excluded out of the picture when baby is born. If you must confront her about it which I know you might want to, be caution about her homones, let her know its part of the socialization skills but that you would only be their briefly. I'm pretty sure she will listen to you and respect your decision on how to deal with this as she too, not only as a daughter and a future mother but also as a professional Ped. OT. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure she would not like hearing one of her clients with the same issue and would like to comfort the person. Sounds like she has a good heart only some concerns at this time but once " mom " speaks to her, this y'all can iron out now and not wait until it builds up. " MOM " has the power, which is you and prayers that you do find some solutions even if she respects her dh's decision which is still nice to know that he is only protecting his family but must learn the other side of family values. Not that he has none, just other issues that need to be confront with realization that when he married Elie's sis, he also knew that she had a brother with special needs. What happen five years ago may not even be repeated. I may be wrong just thought I share my feelings over this as I've done the same in similar situations with my extended family. Many have adapted and have missed me as I too did the same and not even visit, so they have learn to accept having around when babies are born as I too would of fallen into their level and not meaning in a mean way, but no, had to learn the hard way and them vice versa. Never fails never-ending challenges. Everything you have been through I'm pretty sure you'll find an answer. Remember there is only one mom (you) that I'm assuming they'll respect your opinion. Good luck and hugs! Take care, Irma,15,DS/ASD Family issues- Help! For years I have talked aboout my daughter, the ped. OT who became an OT because of her beloved little brother (adopted when she was 16). Now I need some help. Friends: I need suggestions. Five years ago while visiting relatives, Elie was holding a new cousin about 2 months old. HE held the baby safely but closely. The mother paniced and thus scared Elie who did not release the baby. This has been a cause celeb in the family for 5 years. The baby was not hurt in any way. Elie did nothing inappropriate except to give a paniced adult the baby. Fast forward 5 years. Beloved big sister is expecting her first baby in August. She has informed her father (no mention to me) that Elie is NOT welcome to come to her house when the baby is born as her husband is afraid he would hurt the new baby. I have not opened the issue with my daughter because I tend to be very verbal (I bet you guys didn't know that) and do not want a rift with my daughter. My thinking at this point is it won't be an issue, cause I am not going there if my son is not welcome. On the other hand, it is their first child after 9 years of marriage (their choice), her husband has the mind of an engineer and evaluates all sides of an issue always and figures risks on everything. And the worst of this is my husband agrees that there is a slight risk and they have every right and obligation to protect their newborn. Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2004 Report Share Posted June 4, 2004 Thanks Irma - I left out one thing. They live in ATL and I live in PHL. This means that if we are to go see our new granddaughter, we will have to leave Elie behind. It isn't like he lives next door and we can gradually introduce them to the idea of his being there. Also, we always supervise Elie around other people. He was my baby holder for 2 years when I ran a day care for babies with severe medical issues. He held babies with Os, g-tubes, cardiac monitors, etc. the issue is my child and her husband. I am so sad! Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. > >Reply-To: >To: < > >Subject: Re: Family issues- Help! >Date: Fri, 4 Jun 2004 10:54:56 -0500 > >Hi Sara, >Just hugs to you on your family issues and congratulations on your future >grandbaby. How heartbreaking this is when it involves your own. Yes, it is >their right to protect their baby but terrible that Uncle Elie will not be >able to share these precious moments on welcoming his future nephew or >neice. Not to sound mean and heaven forbid but they better pray that their >baby is born healthy and may they find some Faith and accept Elie in the >picture as he has feelings, too. Who says Elie has to hold baby when the >time has arrived y'all already experienced a relatives reaction when he >carries a baby, this I'm pretty sure you'll supervise him knowing how they >feel. By now they should understand how to have learned to cope interacting >with Elie. Since your daughter only spoke to her father about this and for >this not to become an issue and you not going to welcome your future >grandbaby because Elie is not welcome I would still pretend to avoid what >was said among them and pretend to act like nothing which I know will be >hard emotionally and take Elie for a brief visit only not let him hold baby >and slowly have them adapt having him around because obviously the baby and >Elie are part of the family and this would cause some awkward moments on >future family reunions which you will not want. It is better now to deal >with this because if your son-in-law is already overprotected when the baby >is not even born yet, you can imagine as baby is growing up. >I was worried about this when my future grandbaby was born but has >actually done great, going on 6 mos. >Your daughter is going to need you when baby is born. She obviously >respects you and did not want to hurt your feelings or she would of >confronted you with her concerns. Blood is thicker than water and yes must >respect their decisions but this is a sibling issue when it involves a >person with special needs and something you have control over to make a >statement that they better get use having you around when Elie is with you >and Elie not excluded out of the picture when baby is born. If you must >confront her about it which I know you might want to, be caution about her >homones, let her know its part of the socialization skills but that you >would only be their briefly. I'm pretty sure she will listen to you and >respect your decision on how to deal with this as she too, not only as a >daughter and a future mother but also as a professional Ped. OT. As a >matter of fact I'm pretty sure she would not like hearing one of her >clients with the same issue and would like to comfort the person. Sounds >like she has a good heart only some concerns at this time but once " mom " >speaks to her, this y'all can iron out now and not wait until it builds up. > " MOM " has the power, which is you and prayers that you do find some >solutions even if she respects her dh's decision which is still nice to >know that he is only protecting his family but must learn the other side of >family values. Not that he has none, just other issues that need to be >confront with realization that when he married Elie's sis, he also knew >that she had a brother with special needs. What happen five years ago may >not even be repeated. >I may be wrong just thought I share my feelings over this as I've done the >same in similar situations with my extended family. Many have adapted and >have missed me as I too did the same and not even visit, so they have learn >to accept having around when babies are born as I too would of >fallen into their level and not meaning in a mean way, but no, had to learn >the hard way and them vice versa. Never fails never-ending challenges. >Everything you have been through I'm pretty sure you'll find an answer. >Remember there is only one mom (you) that I'm assuming they'll respect your >opinion. Good luck and hugs! > >Take care, > >Irma,15,DS/ASD > Family issues- Help! > > > For years I have talked aboout my daughter, the ped. OT who became an OT > because of her beloved little brother (adopted when she was 16). > > Now I need some help. > Friends: I need suggestions. > Five years ago while visiting relatives, Elie was holding a new cousin >about > 2 months old. HE held the baby safely but closely. The mother paniced >and > thus scared Elie who did not release the baby. This has been a cause >celeb > in the family for 5 years. The baby was not hurt in any way. Elie did > nothing inappropriate except to give a paniced adult the baby. > > Fast forward 5 years. Beloved big sister is expecting her first baby in > August. She has informed her father (no mention to me) that Elie is NOT > welcome to come to her house when the baby is born as her husband is >afraid > he would hurt the new baby. > > I have not opened the issue with my daughter because I tend to be very > verbal (I bet you guys didn't know that) and do not want a rift with my > daughter. My thinking at this point is it won't be an issue, cause I am >not > going there if my son is not welcome. On the other hand, it is their >first > child after 9 years of marriage (their choice), her husband has the mind >of > an engineer and evaluates all sides of an issue always and figures risks >on > everything. > > And the worst of this is my husband agrees that there is a slight risk >and > they have every right and obligation to protect their newborn. > > > > Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2004 Report Share Posted June 4, 2004 Oh Sara, Across the miles I can understand is a bummer in trying to work around this. I thought you had mentioned in the past about how well Elie is around babies and he even beats me when handling babies with all sorts of disabilities. You have a heart of gold for so much you've done in the past and now, then this. I hear ya. I hope it does get solved for everyones sake. Until August, huh? Lets see from here until then. A granddaughter. I watched the ABC News on Sisterly Love on the 22nd of May and the sister had said and not to compare her to your daughter as I do not know her but she had said something like " I know that if I ever get married, I am going to make sure that my husband is ok with that, " I looked over at my 17 y/o son who was also watching it with me with his arms around and my eyes had gotten watery. I know within time time will tell and pray that 's siblings would always be there for him. The sadness you've shared this is something new to me. Dealt with other relatives with similar issues but not this, yet. Last week I had sent off information to one of my friends as she holds a sibling support group of course for the pre-teens students. I hope it's making a difference but then once they get older I can imagine things do change. Sibling Needs Helpful Information for Parents http://www.autsim.org/sibling/sibneeds.html I hope to hear an update on this as within time something has to work out. I pray that someone who has experience this would also share how they worked around this or just to know that you are not alone with similar issues like this. Well, lets see who makes the first move your daughter or you. This is tough. Lots of hugs. Irma,15,DS/ASD Re: Family issues- Help! > Thanks Irma - I left out one thing. They live in ATL and I live in PHL. > This means that if we are to go see our new granddaughter, we will have to > leave Elie behind. It isn't like he lives next door and we can gradually > introduce them to the idea of his being there. Also, we always supervise > Elie around other people. He was my baby holder for 2 years when I ran a > day care for babies with severe medical issues. He held babies with Os, > g-tubes, cardiac monitors, etc. the issue is my child and her husband. I > am so sad! > > > > Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2004 Report Share Posted June 5, 2004 Sara, This would break my heart. I read your post to my 20 yo daughter who is named as ¹s guardian in our will. We¹ve talked about this issue many times because it¹s one of my fears that when she starts her own family, her husband will not understand her ties and obligations to her disabled sister. This hit home even harder because my daughter got engaged a few months ago. We think that it is seriously messed up that your daughter¹s husband would issue this ultimatum, especially months before the baby even arrives. If it were me, I couldn¹t keep silent. This is just so wrong. Your daughter needs to really think about what this means when her husband says that a member of her family is not welcome. No husband has the right to exclude and control in this manner. She needs to find her voice and be heard. She knows in her heart that her brother won¹t hurt the baby. She needs to stand up for herself, and for Elie. Regardless of how analytical or how intelligent her husband is, the man is really seeing Elie through the eyes of prejudice. Plus, he thinks that if he can calculate all the risks and control all the variables around his little family, then they will be safe. We all know that life doesn¹t work that way. We all learned that the day our disabled children were born. Life is a risk. Their baby may be safe from all possible harm, but it also may never know the sheer unconditional love that only a person like Elie can give. A love that is free from things like prejudice and greed and vanity. Uncle Elie could be the child¹s greatest teacher, whether it¹s parents know it or not. Therese > For years I have talked aboout my daughter, the ped. OT who became an OT > because of her beloved little brother (adopted when she was 16). > > Now I need some help. > Friends: I need suggestions. > Five years ago while visiting relatives, Elie was holding a new cousin about > 2 months old. HE held the baby safely but closely. The mother paniced and > thus scared Elie who did not release the baby. This has been a cause celeb > in the family for 5 years. The baby was not hurt in any way. Elie did > nothing inappropriate except to give a paniced adult the baby. > > Fast forward 5 years. Beloved big sister is expecting her first baby in > August. She has informed her father (no mention to me) that Elie is NOT > welcome to come to her house when the baby is born as her husband is afraid > he would hurt the new baby. > > I have not opened the issue with my daughter because I tend to be very > verbal (I bet you guys didn't know that) and do not want a rift with my > daughter. My thinking at this point is it won't be an issue, cause I am not > going there if my son is not welcome. On the other hand, it is their first > child after 9 years of marriage (their choice), her husband has the mind of > an engineer and evaluates all sides of an issue always and figures risks on > everything. > > And the worst of this is my husband agrees that there is a slight risk and > they have every right and obligation to protect their newborn. > > > > Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. > > _________________________________________________________________ > Looking to buy a house? Get informed with the Home Buying Guide from MSN > House & Home. http://coldwellbanker.msn.com/ > > > > -------------------------------------------------- > Checkout our homepage for information, bookmarks, and photos of > our kids. Share favorite bookmarks, ideas, and other information by including > them. Don't forget, messages are a permanent record of the archives for our > list. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ > -------------------------------------------- > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2004 Report Share Posted June 5, 2004 The big surprise to me over the years is how the teens who loved their brother and made sure that their friends were OK with him have turned into busy 30 yo who love their brother, are his guardians but want us to make care plans for him that they will oversee but that do not include him in their families. I don't know if early immersion has turned them off or it is a stage. But I must say that saaad does not begin to say how I feel. Even the suggestion that I look for housing near my daughter has not met with enthusiasm. My son is still single and does not know where he will finally live. So that makes ssense. But my daughter is well settled in ATL =. We have almost given up the thought of moving to GA because of this whole issue. We are now thinking of FL because we do have our generation living there (all my sibs, my husband's cousins) But that will not be a good place for Elie I do not think. So he will probably live in PA with us visiting. It is too much to think of in one chunk. And now I am in FL dealing with my mother issues and sibling issues of my own. Sandwiches are good on a plate, but not great when you are the filling. Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. > >Reply-To: >To: < > >Subject: Re: Family issues- Help! >Date: Fri, 4 Jun 2004 21:41:42 -0500 > >Oh Sara, >Across the miles I can understand is a bummer in trying to work around >this. >I thought you had mentioned in the past about how well Elie is around >babies >and he even beats me when handling babies with all sorts of disabilities. >You have a heart of gold for so much you've done in the past and now, then >this. I hear ya. I hope it does get solved for everyones sake. Until >August, >huh? Lets see from here until then. A granddaughter. >I watched the ABC News on Sisterly Love on the 22nd of May and the sister >had said and not to compare her to your daughter as I do not know her but >she had said something like " I know that if I ever get married, I am going >to make sure that my husband is ok with that, " I looked over at my 17 y/o >son who was also watching it with me with his arms around and my >eyes >had gotten watery. I know within time time will tell and pray that 's >siblings would always be there for him. >The sadness you've shared this is something new to me. Dealt with other >relatives with similar issues but not this, yet. Last week I had sent off >information to one of my friends as she holds a sibling support group of >course for the pre-teens students. I hope it's making a difference but then >once they get older I can imagine things do change. >Sibling Needs Helpful Information for Parents >http://www.autsim.org/sibling/sibneeds.html >I hope to hear an update on this as within time something has to work out. >I >pray that someone who has experience this would also share how they worked >around this or just to know that you are not alone with similar issues like >this. Well, lets see who makes the first move your daughter or you. This is >tough. >Lots of hugs. > >Irma,15,DS/ASD > > > > > Re: Family issues- Help! > > > > Thanks Irma - I left out one thing. They live in ATL and I live in PHL. > > This means that if we are to go see our new granddaughter, we will have >to > > leave Elie behind. It isn't like he lives next door and we can >gradually > > introduce them to the idea of his being there. Also, we always >supervise > > Elie around other people. He was my baby holder for 2 years when I ran >a > > day care for babies with severe medical issues. He held babies with Os, > > g-tubes, cardiac monitors, etc. the issue is my child and her husband. >I > > am so sad! > > > > > > > > Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. > > > > >-------------------------------------------------- >Checkout our homepage for information, bookmarks, and photos of >our kids. Share favorite bookmarks, ideas, and other information by >including them. Don't forget, messages are a permanent record of the >archives for our list. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ >-------------------------------------------- > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2004 Report Share Posted June 5, 2004 I agree that Tzachi is wrong. What I will finally do about it is the issue. At this point, I am saying nothing. When I am asked when we are coming will be time enough to deal with how I am NOT coming without Elie. And you are right. No one will unreservedly love that child like Elie will - at least until the child is a toddler- he does not like 2-5 yo whiny kids!!!! He tells them to all go home to their Mom's. Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. > >Reply-To: >To: < > >Subject: Re: Family issues- Help! >Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 23:51:28 -0700 > >Sara, > >This would break my heart. I read your post to my 20 yo daughter who is >named as ¹s guardian in our will. We¹ve talked about this issue many >times because it¹s one of my fears that when she starts her own family, her >husband will not understand her ties and obligations to her disabled >sister. >This hit home even harder because my daughter got engaged a few months ago. > >We think that it is seriously messed up that your daughter¹s husband would >issue this ultimatum, especially months before the baby even arrives. If >it >were me, I couldn¹t keep silent. This is just so wrong. Your daughter >needs to really think about what this means when her husband says that a >member of her family is not welcome. No husband has the right to exclude >and control in this manner. She needs to find her voice and be heard. She >knows in her heart that her brother won¹t hurt the baby. She needs to >stand up for herself, and for Elie. > >Regardless of how analytical or how intelligent her husband is, the man is >really seeing Elie through the eyes of prejudice. Plus, he thinks that if >he can calculate all the risks and control all the variables around his >little family, then they will be safe. We all know that life doesn¹t work >that way. We all learned that the day our disabled children were born. >Life is a risk. > >Their baby may be safe from all possible harm, but it also may never know >the sheer unconditional love that only a person like Elie can give. A love >that is free from things like prejudice and greed and vanity. Uncle Elie >could be the child¹s greatest teacher, whether it¹s parents know it or not. > >Therese > > > > > For years I have talked aboout my daughter, the ped. OT who became an OT > > because of her beloved little brother (adopted when she was 16). > > > > Now I need some help. > > Friends: I need suggestions. > > Five years ago while visiting relatives, Elie was holding a new cousin >about > > 2 months old. HE held the baby safely but closely. The mother paniced >and > > thus scared Elie who did not release the baby. This has been a cause >celeb > > in the family for 5 years. The baby was not hurt in any way. Elie did > > nothing inappropriate except to give a paniced adult the baby. > > > > Fast forward 5 years. Beloved big sister is expecting her first baby in > > August. She has informed her father (no mention to me) that Elie is NOT > > welcome to come to her house when the baby is born as her husband is >afraid > > he would hurt the new baby. > > > > I have not opened the issue with my daughter because I tend to be very > > verbal (I bet you guys didn't know that) and do not want a rift with my > > daughter. My thinking at this point is it won't be an issue, cause I am >not > > going there if my son is not welcome. On the other hand, it is their >first > > child after 9 years of marriage (their choice), her husband has the mind >of > > an engineer and evaluates all sides of an issue always and figures risks >on > > everything. > > > > And the worst of this is my husband agrees that there is a slight risk >and > > they have every right and obligation to protect their newborn. > > > > > > > > Sara - Choose to make lemonade, not complain about the lemons. > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > > Looking to buy a house? Get informed with the Home Buying Guide from MSN > > House & Home. http://coldwellbanker.msn.com/ > > > > > > > > -------------------------------------------------- > > Checkout our homepage for information, bookmarks, and photos >of > > our kids. Share favorite bookmarks, ideas, and other information by >including > > them. Don't forget, messages are a permanent record of the archives for >our > > list. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ > > -------------------------------------------- > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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