Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 >>Astryngia said: Aspies don't laugh much and most especially not at themselves.Forgive me for making such sweeping statements but mine are much morelikely to take offence at gentle teasing - even tho I laugh at myselfall the time.<< This is funny because we were just at a social event yesterday in which my husband (nt) was talking with the other guy present about how his (my husband's) family are always dull and unhappy, grumpy, serious, etc. and how he has really loved being around my family because we are all a bunch of jokers and have loads of fun together. My father (likely AS) and I (diag. AS) have always joked a lot and his extended family for the most part is very funny. Making jokes about ourselves, family problems, etc. Maybe the environment one grows up in makes a big difference? My mom (who I think is AS also) doesn't do nearly as well with jokes although years of living with my dad and us kids has lightened her mood some. Her family is all very serious and cannot take a joke, hold grudges, etc. But you also mentioned trying to coax your AS son into a good humor... it reminded me of my mother doing this with me. It never worked for her because her method was to get into my space. My father could get me into good humor with a few well chosen words spoken from across the room. My mother, in sense, demanded that she be allowed in my space, my father respected my space. Thought that might be a help if it applies. My mother probably would have said I had no sense of humor when I was a teen for this same reason that you describe. But in reality it was being around her that put me on edge because I was always expecting to have to defend myself from her invading my space. Also she sometimes smelled badly (to me) because she used some synthetic smells that bothered me. Jennie AS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 >>Jennie said: I am AS woman married to NT man and so my perspective is different accordingly.<<>>e or Usarian asked: Can I ask you...It seems to me that this scenario would ease things considerably.. AS is kind of like taking all the standard complaints women have had about men for eons and multiplying them by.. oh some random number... and men always saying "jeez I wish she wasn't so emotional!"For you it seems like it would be like.. "wow cool this is like the perfect woman!".. detatched analytical thinking, less emotionally reactive and such..what has been your experience from that direction in real life?<< Well..... I would say this is somewhat true. I identified much more with men than with women, even while growing up. I tried to be like my father & brothers. So in many ways my husband has it really good. However that didn't necessarily ease things as it should of. Probably had I married someone who was healthy and well balanced it would of. As it is I married someone with his own set of problems stemming from abuse, so my easy going nature he took as permission to get his way for everything. I am analytical but not detached. I am much less emotionally reactive but not distanced. My husband took this as it's ok to do whatever because obviously 'its not bothering her'. I learned that I had to fabricate a WAY over the top reaction to things in order for him to realize his behavior was not ok. Eventually fabricating reactions loosened something in me and I lost some of my self control. In the end I ended up in real meltdown which I guess in a warped way was good because it really made an impression on him. Perhaps because it was so unlike my normal way of being it stuck in his head and heart more. I always assumed that he would just make a logical assumption that it's not ok to do things that are hurtful to other people. Instead he assumed that because I wasn't crying my eyes out (or crying at all for that matter) and wailing at the top of my lungs (like his mother would) it was ok for him to do these things. So basically me being more 'male like' meant that I suffered in silence for many years until I learned enough about AS and NT to realize that it wasn't necessary for me to just put up with this. That I could stand up for myself, that his behavior was way out of line, etc. Once I figured this out and started standing up to him, as you might imagine, things got much worse. He was used to walking on me and suddenly that wasn't ok. He was unhealthily attached to his mother & family and took out his anger at them on me. (passive aggressive anger no physical violence) I could go on and on. I will say however that my lack of reactions and ability to be analytical in the face of intense pain REALLY made a huge difference in saving our marriage. Just as an example: At one point we got in an argument because I pointed out to him that he had always thought of me as 'ugly' and that he was doing me a 'favor' to be with me. (This was something I became aware of later in our marriage... one of those truths I knew he was thinking/feeling.) He responded with saying that I wasn't pretty like the other girls that were around when we were dating. Instead of blowing my top or bursting into tears which I think would be typical for most women I proceeded to pull out pictures from back then of myself and the other girls, particularly one that he had dated. I also sited the times when he got jealous because other guys liked me, and quoted some compliments I had gotten. With that evidence in front of him he had to confront his own rotten attitude toward me and deal with his own junk. In the end he found it had nothing to do with me it had to do with himself feeling inferior and needing me to be pushed down to feel better himself. This sort of thing happened numerous times, more times than I care to remember. I believe had I reacted in a typical way we would still be going around in circles or would have just given up. So in one sense having AS sort of caused the problems in that my husband took advantage of my naive nature and inability to read through his lies and on the other hand it helped once I knew there was a problem (and once I knew I was AS) I was able to deal with it in a logical progressive order. I was also able to establish rules for myself and not get sucked in to his manipulations as he tried to get me to go back to the way things had been before. One of the things he would do is to pretend to be all changed. He could be the nicest person in the world for a few days or even a week and then would turn around back to his old ways. It was the typical abuse cycle. I stepped out of that and deliberately stayed detached. Also I would deliberately say things to him that I knew would trigger him so that he would not be capable of holding the mask. In this way I was able to tell if he was feeding me a line of bull again or genuinely changing. At this point in time I have to say that what you asked at first is true. Now that my husband has determined in his heart to be a decent human being with good behavior he thinks he has the most awesome woman on the planet. Now that he is no longer focused on himself and thinking he needs to make himself acceptable by making me look bad he is able to see that I am indeed a good wife. He now goes to work and hears the things men say about their wives and girl friends and comes home and tells me how wonderful I am. He actually brags about me to the other men. I would like to get enthusiastic about this but at this point I am assuming this is temporary and he will at some point revert to his former ways at least several more times. Jennie AS hope this answers your question Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 haufortk wrote: > I know that you're not personally attacking me, but I feel as though I > need to defend myself. I do not, nor have I ever, love to bang my head > against a brick wall. I am attempting to educate myself to make > decision (stay in or get out) that either way will not be pleasant. [ snip ] > Please don't apologize for being " brutal " . I appreciate your candor, I > need to hear it all. I'm not looking for a magic wand, I guess I'm > just wondering if it really is as dark as some portray it to be, or if > there are success stories out there as well. Then again, what is success? There *are* success stories. But like " good news " , they don't sell. Because Good News about AS/NT doesn't titillate, isn't *interesting*, you won't find many unabashedly positive stories. This certainly is the wrong forum in which to find them. *Not* knocking ASPIRES. ...It's The Very Best AS/NT forum. But it shines brightest when dealing with *troubled* relationships. That's why *you're* here? - Bill, 76, AS; ...satisfactorily married 41 years. -- WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 haufortk wrote: > Hi Usarian, (and e) > I wanted to ask about anger. My partner has described himself as > having basically two emotions. Overly excited and overly angry. The > overly excited part, well of course that's easy to take- but the > overly angry... If I do something " wrong " (and I say it in quotes > because I believe that it is at times very true and at times very > untrue) I can visibly see a curtain going down over his face. He > closes on me and that's it. It takes at least a couple of hours before > he is back again and approaching him in the in between time is like > poking a sleeping bear. Not a good idea. > I'm totally ok with being wrong. I screw up. I'm human. But he takes > my 'errors' to a totally different level where I get squished into the > ground for them. I want to say to him, it's no picnic trying to date > you! Cut me some slack! But when I'm wrong, I'm wrong, I don't want to > deny it! However, I need to communicate to him (and have tried to do > so) that he needs to be kinder to me. Is this a losing battle? Will my > request continue to fall on deaf ears? It's beginning to sound, a little, like your boyfriend is *using* his AS to establish his " primacy " in your relationship. " His way or the highway. " And in the meantime he gets whatever he wants. IF that's going on, THEN it's " just " Bad Behavior (not AS). Either way he can do better for you. And *should*. AS are *not* automatons, incapable of changing or/and behaving well. - Bill, 76, dx AS -- WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2008 Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 someone said: My partner has described himself ashaving basically two emotions. Overly excited and overly angry. me here: yes it is in my experience a feature of AS to be unable to express the appropriate level of emotion. we are not emotionless. we do, however find it difficult to find the right, level of, and modulate the emotional response to a given stimulus. so too angry or not angry enough, delayed anger, too happy etc. you said: Theoverly excited part, well of course that's easy to take- but theoverly angry... If I do something "wrong" (and I say it in quotesbecause I believe that it is at times very true and at times veryuntrue) I can visibly see a curtain going down over his face. Hecloses on me and that's it. It takes at least a couple of hours beforehe is back again and approaching him in the in between time is likepoking a sleeping bear. Not a good idea. me here: yes you say wrong in quotes. sometimes true, sometimes untrue. there is an NT code of conduct, you prefer politeness over honesty. it is how you talk, when you arent talking a load of irrelevant shite. when you are questioned or caught out doing something wrong, it is a very NT response to act irrationally and try and cover it up, save face, blame someone else, lie and sometimes panic to cover up something that you have done wrong. it is very rare for someone who has been caught out to admit...ok you got me. i was wrong, i accept i am wrong i was wrong you caught me out i apologise...i was wrong. instead you say..well im also right sometimes, arent i? sometimes true, sometimes untrue? i am exquisitely sensitive to this NT double talk, lie, deceive cover my tracks attitude. and when i see it, i persue it, to absolutely crucify the wrong doer. you only have to say , sorry i was wrong, and i will accept this as i would say the same. but try and wriggle out of it, i will not tolerate and i will make a point of nailing you. i have spent too long watching people lie, and cheat and decive their way and have been naievly aghast at it to tolerate it. yes it is naieve, everyone does it, but i cannot stand it. it has been written the persuit of righteousness is a feature of some with AS. im not righteous but it does irk me when i see people doing something wrong and not admiting or accepting it. it has been described as Aspie right(tiousness). you said: I'm totally ok with being wrong. I screw up. I'm human. But he takesmy 'errors' to a totally different level where I get squished into theground for them. I want to say to him, it's no picnic trying to dateyou! Cut me some slack! But when I'm wrong, I'm wrong, I don't want todeny it! However, I need to communicate to him (and have tried to doso) that he needs to be kinder to me. Is this a losing battle? Will myrequest continue to fall on deaf ears? me here: interesting you said that you dont want to deny it. you didnt say i dont deny im wrong, you said you dont want to deny your wrong. this is what i mean. perhaps your trying to defend yourself because for you this is normal behaviour...so be it. try thios next time, as an experiment. try saying yes i was wrong, yes your right i made a mistake, i apologise. instead of trying not to deny anything, if your wrong admit it. say this without any emotional bitchiness, you might find the honesty and lack of denying anything will help your situation. 37 m diagnosed AS spends time in small claims court.--- Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2008 Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 Karina, I have to say just a few things on the subject...I've been reading your posts and the replies to your posts. My ten year marriage is ending andnot because of the AS but for many reasons. I will tell you that if I had known more about AS in the beginning and I'm not sure I even mean from the get go, I think things would have been different. I don't want anyone to think that I mean AS is the reason, it is a factor but the only factor. I've made mistakes as well that have affected the outcome. I wouldn't trade a minute of it, I'm just done. I'm not sure this will make sense to you or not. My advice would be if you want to give this a try you at least have way more information and now support than the majority ofthe people here. So you have an advantage and it could work for you.....Good Luck Subject: Re: Reaching outTo: aspires-relationships Date: Monday, October 20, 2008, 4:14 PM I think I'll have to take a mini-hiatus from the forum just to processall this information. With that being said, I appreciate all of yoursharing and will take as much of it away with me as possible. I willnow give you an overview of where my relationship currently stands,and promise (if anyone is curious) to let you know what happens. When we started dating, my partner asked me for the gift of fourmonths. At the time, I had no idea why he would ask such a thing. Now,it's becoming clearer and clearer. He asked for those four months sothat we could have a real go at it. We had been together for a couplemonths already so- we still have approx two and a half months to go inour commitment to one another. At the end, we sit down and review. Itseemed cold to me at the time, but he needed something linear and hedidn't want to panic that I would run at the first sign of difficulty.We will be having our meeting right around Christmas, and until then,I'm learning as much as I can, talking with him as much as I can andlooking inwards to see what I can and can't live with/without. Ironically, had I never found this forum, my outlook would have beenmuch more optimistic- yet I came on this sight looking for ways tosucceed, not a "my goodness girlfriend, run"... Everything happens fora reason (or so they say) so I have to believe that I was meant tohave you all share with me, regardless if the content was heavy vslight. I am going to recommend to my partner to check out everythingthat we have shared (I hope that that is kosher???) so that we candiscuss it as well. Hopefully this will not be done in vain but giveus a launching pad to perhaps realize that we're up against Mt.Everest in flip-flops or that we can't "got it alone or, wow, here'ssome of that sought after but rarely seen optimism, establishboundaries.. .To be honest, walking away seems like the common piece of advice I'mreceiving. Sometimes though, I ask for advice on say... a handbag.Should I use this one or this one? And as soon as people tell me whichone to use, I instantly know where my gut actually wanted to go and Imake the decision regardless of their input, even though it was theirinput that allowed me to know what I actually wanted all along. Before I digress too far, I would again like to thank you for takingthe time to share with me. It has been very enlightening yet heavy. Tosay the least. Kindest regards, Karina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2008 Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 There is a smalltypo here I said that the AS is a factor.. but it ISN'T the only factor... From: haufortk <karinahaufort@ gmail.com>Subject: [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: Reaching outTo: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Monday, October 20, 2008, 4:14 PM I think I'll have to take a mini-hiatus from the forum just to processall this information. With that being said, I appreciate all of yoursharing and will take as much of it away with me as possible. I willnow give you an overview of where my relationship currently stands,and promise (if anyone is curious) to let you know what happens. When we started dating, my partner asked me for the gift of fourmonths. At the time, I had no idea why he would ask such a thing. Now,it's becoming clearer and clearer. He asked for those four months sothat we could have a real go at it. We had been together for a couplemonths already so- we still have approx two and a half months to go inour commitment to one another. At the end, we sit down and review. Itseemed cold to me at the time, but he needed something linear and hedidn't want to panic that I would run at the first sign of difficulty.We will be having our meeting right around Christmas, and until then,I'm learning as much as I can, talking with him as much as I can andlooking inwards to see what I can and can't live with/without. Ironically, had I never found this forum, my outlook would have beenmuch more optimistic- yet I came on this sight looking for ways tosucceed, not a "my goodness girlfriend, run"... Everything happens fora reason (or so they say) so I have to believe that I was meant tohave you all share with me, regardless if the content was heavy vslight. I am going to recommend to my partner to check out everythingthat we have shared (I hope that that is kosher???) so that we candiscuss it as well. Hopefully this will not be done in vain but giveus a launching pad to perhaps realize that we're up against Mt.Everest in flip-flops or that we can't "got it alone or, wow, here'ssome of that sought after but rarely seen optimism, establishboundaries.. .To be honest, walking away seems like the common piece of advice I'mreceiving. Sometimes though, I ask for advice on say... a handbag.Should I use this one or this one? And as soon as people tell me whichone to use, I instantly know where my gut actually wanted to go and Imake the decision regardless of their input, even though it was theirinput that allowed me to know what I actually wanted all along. Before I digress too far, I would again like to thank you for takingthe time to share with me. It has been very enlightening yet heavy. Tosay the least. Kindest regards, Karina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2008 Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 I simply had to reply to what you have said here. I loved it! you made me laugh out loud,(irrelevant shite!) you are so right in what you said. I too hate people who can not or wont take responsibility for there own actions. If and when i am wrong i will always do my very best to put things right, i will accept that i have messed up, and i hope i don't add "but" as a way of excusing what i have done wrong, i don't think i do! I will contradict myself, i do accept that my 'i'm right' is not always right. Like you i have come across many people who just will not accept the possibility that they could possibly be wrong, in anything, it really ticks me right off. Call a spade a spade for heaven's sake, and grow up is a good motto for people like that. Elaine Re: Re: Reaching out someone said: My partner has described himself ashaving basically two emotions. Overly excited and overly angry. me here: yes it is in my experience a feature of AS to be unable to express the appropriate level of emotion. we are not emotionless. we do, however find it difficult to find the right, level of, and modulate the emotional response to a given stimulus. so too angry or not angry enough, delayed anger, too happy etc. you said: Theoverly excited part, well of course that's easy to take- but theoverly angry... If I do something "wrong" (and I say it in quotesbecause I believe that it is at times very true and at times veryuntrue) I can visibly see a curtain going down over his face. Hecloses on me and that's it. It takes at least a couple of hours beforehe is back again and approaching him in the in between time is likepoking a sleeping bear. Not a good idea. me here: yes you say wrong in quotes. sometimes true, sometimes untrue. there is an NT code of conduct, you prefer politeness over honesty. it is how you talk, when you arent talking a load of irrelevant shite. when you are questioned or caught out doing something wrong, it is a very NT response to act irrationally and try and cover it up, save face, blame someone else, lie and sometimes panic to cover up something that you have done wrong. it is very rare for someone who has been caught out to admit...ok you got me. i was wrong, i accept i am wrong i was wrong you caught me out i apologise... i was wrong. instead you say..well im also right sometimes, arent i? sometimes true, sometimes untrue? i am exquisitely sensitive to this NT double talk, lie, deceive cover my tracks attitude. and when i see it, i persue it, to absolutely crucify the wrong doer. you only have to say , sorry i was wrong, and i will accept this as i would say the same. but try and wriggle out of it, i will not tolerate and i will make a point of nailing you. i have spent too long watching people lie, and cheat and decive their way and have been naievly aghast at it to tolerate it. yes it is naieve, everyone does it, but i cannot stand it. it has been written the persuit of righteousness is a feature of some with AS. im not righteous but it does irk me when i see people doing something wrong and not admiting or accepting it. it has been described as Aspie right(tiousness) . you said: I'm totally ok with being wrong. I screw up. I'm human. But he takesmy 'errors' to a totally different level where I get squished into theground for them. I want to say to him, it's no picnic trying to dateyou! Cut me some slack! But when I'm wrong, I'm wrong, I don't want todeny it! However, I need to communicate to him (and have tried to doso) that he needs to be kinder to me. Is this a losing battle? Will myrequest continue to fall on deaf ears? me here: interesting you said that you dont want to deny it. you didnt say i dont deny im wrong, you said you dont want to deny your wrong. this is what i mean. perhaps your trying to defend yourself because for you this is normal behaviour... so be it. try thios next time, as an experiment. try saying yes i was wrong, yes your right i made a mistake, i apologise. instead of trying not to deny anything, if your wrong admit it. say this without any emotional bitchiness, you might find the honesty and lack of denying anything will help your situation. 37 m diagnosed AS spends time in small claims court.--- Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger .yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 My husband laughs a lot...at his own jokes. I adapted to his sense of humour and tell the kind of jokes he tells - the puns etc etc - and he never laughs. The many years I spent feeling bad and useless and stupid as a result...but he probably doesn't process what I say. But it's not the same as having a sense of humour about life in general, about seeing the humour in everyday stuff, about seeing the ridiculous and the sublime. What I say about my husband is not an insult to him or AS in general - it's just a statement of the truth (as I see it from an NT perspective). I have mixed feelings about my husband but I'd defend him to the death if anyone else criticised him ;-) And I love my son, too - I respect him and think he's the most amazing person on this earth. I love his AS, too. I wish they felt just a little of the same for me. 2008/10/20 Usarian & e Skiff : >> Aspies don't laugh much and most especially not at themselves. > > Wow! Where does that come from?! That's just exactly the opposite of the > truth of it! Myself and the other AS I have known, including my own AS son, > all laugh at ourselves and our own sillinesses several times a day! Our > humor is different (though e is scarily beginning to indulge in it > despite herself).. much more based on puns and literal vs nonliteral, or > things being incorrect. Intentional and unintentional incorrectness is > hilarious! > > Oh yeah, and the developmental delay... technically, it's explicitly NOT a > delay in " every way " .. one of the defining characteristics of my autistic > boy's diagnosis was " splintered " development, which we also see in myself > and my AS guy. We develop mentally/emotionally in very specific and defined > areas and ways, many times from WAAAAAY behind to significantly ahead of > where we " should " be... > > And as far as narcissism, all you NT folks just havent learned yet we're > better than everybody else.. we just accept it! > > Usarian (what's that smell? did I just put my foot in something?) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 A, Something that might help you on this. What you said about your husband laughing at his own jokes not at yours struck a chord with me. I often laugh internally at a new joke that I have not heard before. More in the past than now but that's only because I began to make the choice to make myself push my humor response to the surface. For some reason with new jokes/humor even when I get the joke and think it's funny I don't naturally laugh. If your husband and son are unaware they might be doing this as well. Laughing internally and honestly thinking that you know they thought it was funny. I see this in my daughters too. They almost never laugh the first time they see a funny movie. They will talk about it later in terms of thinking it was the funniest thing ever but while actually watching it they rarely laugh. Sometimes they will smile a bit if I laugh and turn and look at them, mostly even then they don't. On the second or third time of watching the movie they will then laugh out while watching. This can also be the case in seeing humor in the things of life. I myself tend to have too much humor about the things of life and have to keep my humor to myself. I see funny incongruous things often. Example, when looking at caskets when my grandmother died I found it extremely funny that there was a casket there that had a 50 yr warrenty.... like someone is going to dig them up and check to see and then file a collection??? My mother was somewhat shocked an appalled that I found it funny. My uncle thought it was pretty funny too. I don't know.... I still think it's funny, just the circumstances were apparently one in which one is not supposed laugh. Don't get that either as my grandma would have thought it was funny. So anyway to get back on point... I learned when young it is better to laugh internally about life funnies because often other folk don't think the humor was appropriate for the circumstance and back then I couldn't figure out which circumstance were ok so it was better to just keep all humor under wraps. Also playing into that was the fact that often my face does not show what I am feeling/thinking so it was very easy to keep my humor inside as I have to do what feels like exaggeration to let people see what I feel.... Hope this makes sense, Jennie AS >> Astringia said: My husband laughs a lot...at his own jokes.I adapted to his sense of humour and tell the kind of jokes he tells -the puns etc etc - and he never laughs.The many years I spent feeling bad and useless and stupid as aresult...but he probably doesn't process what I say.But it's not the same as having a sense of humour about life ingeneral, about seeing the humour in everyday stuff, about seeing theridiculous and the sublime.What I say about my husband is not an insult to him or AS in general -it's just a statement of the truth (as I see it from an NTperspective). I have mixed feelings about my husband but I'd defendhim to the death if anyone else criticised him ;-) And I love my son,too - I respect him and think he's the most amazing person on thisearth. I love his AS, too.I wish they felt just a little of the same for me.<< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 I was always exactly this way.. something would strike me as funny in a movie, but I wouldn't display that.. it took too mucvh effort to push it all the way to the top. Somehow, I think from watching a movie with my older VERY AS sister one time and we talked through the whole thing! We found it hilarious! I realized that If I talk through things out loud, I experience my emotions closer to the surface. Now I literally narrate my own life.. no voice, just mouth closed kind of tongueing the words (wow.. I hope my wifey doesn't get jealous...).. it makes the events feel closer somehow. I love watching movies with someone who enjoys talking through it, and I ESPECIALLY enjoy movies with subtitles, even if they're speaking English (BBC America does this.. it's HILARIOUS!!!) I find I repeat the parts I find funny out loud, including narrating people's actions, and it sinks in even more. Ah well.. I find I don't get absorbed into storylines as much though now that I think about it.. It used to take me several hours to extract my emotions from the imaginary world of the movie, no matter how badly made it was. Usarian, who now watches movies by himself most of the time From: Jennie Unknown Sent: Thursday, October 30, 2008 5:03 PM To: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Re: Reaching out A, Something that might help you on this. What you said about your husband laughing at his own jokes not at yours struck a chord with me. I often laugh internally at a new joke that I have not heard before. More in the past than now but that's only because I began to make the choice to make myself push my humor response to the surface. For some reason with new jokes/humor even when I get the joke and think it's funny I don't naturally laugh. If your husband and son are unaware they might be doing this as well. Laughing internally and honestly thinking that you know they thought it was funny. I see this in my daughters too. They almost never laugh the first time they see a funny movie. They will talk about it later in terms of thinking it was the funniest thing ever but while actually watching it they rarely laugh. Sometimes they will smile a bit if I laugh and turn and look at them, mostly even then they don't. On the second or third time of watching the movie they will then laugh out while watching. This can also be the case in seeing humor in the things of life. I myself tend to have too much humor about the things of life and have to keep my humor to myself. I see funny incongruous things often. Example, when looking at caskets when my grandmother died I found it extremely funny that there was a casket there that had a 50 yr warrenty.... like someone is going to dig them up and check to see and then file a collection??? My mother was somewhat shocked an appalled that I found it funny. My uncle thought it was pretty funny too. I don't know.... I still think it's funny, just the circumstances were apparently one in which one is not supposed laugh. Don't get that either as my grandma would have thought it was funny. So anyway to get back on point... I learned when young it is better to laugh internally about life funnies because often other folk don't think the humor was appropriate for the circumstance and back then I couldn't figure out which circumstance were ok so it was better to just keep all humor under wraps. Also playing into that was the fact that often my face does not show what I am feeling/thinking so it was very easy to keep my humor inside as I have to do what feels like exaggeration to let people see what I feel.... Hope this makes sense, Jennie AS >> Astringia said: My husband laughs a lot...at his own jokes.I adapted to his sense of humour and tell the kind of jokes he tells -the puns etc etc - and he never laughs.The many years I spent feeling bad and useless and stupid as aresult...but he probably doesn't process what I say.But it's not the same as having a sense of humour about life ingeneral, about seeing the humour in everyday stuff, about seeing theridiculous and the sublime.What I say about my husband is not an insult to him or AS in general -it's just a statement of the truth (as I see it from an NTperspective). I have mixed feelings about my husband but I'd defendhim to the death if anyone else criticised him ;-) And I love my son,too - I respect him and think he's the most amazing person on thisearth. I love his AS, too.I wish they felt just a little of the same for me.<< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2008 Report Share Posted November 4, 2008 Hi, I read your post and am feeling like I am going through the same feelings right now that you are. I really don't have any good advise like all these other wonderful people here,because I feel that I am at the same place you are with my relationship (I am nt he is as). We have been dating for a little over a year now and before I learned of his AS about 5 months ago,I was ready to throw in the towel. One of the things that I have chosen to do though is not make a hasty descision. I am frustrated sometimes on a daily basis,but not till I know positively that I want to end our relationship,will I do so. I just want you to know though that I feel your frustration,I too feel like we speak two different languages.I too feel the lack of intimacy and passion in our relationship. michele Subject: Re: Reaching outTo: aspires-relationships Date: Sunday, October 19, 2008, 5:44 PM Thank you so much for the confirmation on the "reaction". My partner says there is a reaction, but that it's below the surface. One thing he has discussed with me is his utter detest of surprises. From the time he was young, (he is 32, I am 33) his parents, his siblings up to more recently friends and girlfriends, were always baffled - and hurt- by his inability to react to a surprise. He said to me " you want me to say, no way! that's so great! wow! thank you etc etc" but he's just stone faced and quiet. I had defiantly decided a few months ago that, I like giving surprises or gifts. I'm going to keep going. But he just told me that he believes I'm always disappointed when i give him something and I don't get the big reaction. I don't do it for the reaction. I do it so he knows I'm thinking of him, wanting to do something nice for him. Is it wrong for me to continue? This is where I'm lost. Does it get through to him that I still want to be doing nice things for him? He says he sees this, but feels guilty that he can't respond the way he thinks I want him to. My apologies for this being so scattered- I think you touched some nerves when you spoke of being overwhelmed and both pushing and pulling me- >> Re: thank you for listening.> > Thank you for typing. I am writing on my wife's handle, I am in the same boat > your date is in. Asperger's and struggling to find a balance between what is > "safe" and what is not going to be "too much."> > He has tried to explain to me, time and time again, > that he can see what I want, what I need, but he just can't do or be those > things. I try, everyday, to give him reason to love me, to be excited about us, > but there's no reaction.> > There is A reaction. Often times with spectrum folks we stifle our reactions. > Otherwise we have the opposite reaction, overwhelm. Overwhelm. is more > uncomfortable for us than silence. Overwhelm is scarier that silence for us because > it creates shutting down. Silence is not necessarily not acknowledging your > love, it is the way of coping that love exists. Sometimes coping with the > feelings of love that another human being shows towards us is harder than not having > it at all.> > I feel as though he simultaneously pushes me away and pulls me in and I'm > breaking down. I just don't know if I can. Does that make sense? He says we > can find a way but I'm scared I'll lose myself in the meantime...> > Yes, this is normal. Again, another example of your date's alternating > feeling between needing to be safe, and feeling Very comfortable with your presence. > He will struggle with these feelings. Some days will be amazing, and others > ... negatively amazing.> > AS husband with wife that knows my issues so very well.> ( & )> > ************ **New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. > Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out > (http://local. mapquest. com/?ncid= emlcntnew0000000 2)> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2008 Report Share Posted November 4, 2008 Hi Usarian, Thank you so much for this post,Its making some sense now to me why my AS boyfriend is always telling me that I am not happy and That I maybe should be with someone else that I am siuted for.No matter how much I seem to tell him that if that is what I wanted, then thats what I would do. I wa really feeling unloved or unwanted by him,but now I think it is just his logic thinking.Thanks again. michele Subject: Re: Re: Reaching outTo: aspires-relationships Date: Sunday, October 19, 2008, 5:55 PM > My boyfriend has told me I could do better than him, that I will eventually >leave him and that I'd be better off. Where does this come from? Is it what he wants??? Hi again! Glad you're still here! (*WHEW!*) I say this ALL the time and always have. We think differently. . I know that's been said before, but more specifically, we LEARN differently, and this statement is related to that. We learn and think in terms of logical relationships. Most people learn basically by repetition. Repitition for us is insulting. It could be said 100 times and we wouldn't remember it without something to relate it to.. logical connections. We extrapolate information we haven't learned by looking at the connections around where the gap is and filling in the gap. If x, y, and z is true, then that means w is likely true as well. He knows himself, and cares about you and how you feel. He's recognizing that he's confusing you and things are difficult, therefore it makes sense to assume you need something he can't provide and will go elsewhere to get it. It's deduction, not what he wants. The big problem is probably going to be telling him he's wrong. -Usarian (trying to keep it simple this time) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2008 Report Share Posted November 8, 2008 He knows himself, and cares about you and how you feel. He's recognizing that he's confusing you and things are difficult, therefore it makes sense to assume you need something he can't provide and will go elsewhere to get it. It's deduction, not what he wants. I agree with you Usarian. This is something that happens to me, and I tend to feel bad about it. At times is as if I prefer to go away than to make someone hurt as well. The big problem is probably going to be telling him he's wrong. Yes, the big problem will be convincing him and making him "feel" that he is wrong. He has to have something to relate to, in order for him to feel that he is wrong....... And I have not clue how that can be achieved yet. . AOL Search: Your one stop for directions, recipes and all other Holiday needs. Search Now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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